According to rule 10.17 of the MLB rulebook, a Win will go to a starting pitcher whose team assumes a lead while such pitcher is in the game or during the inning on offense in which such pitcher is removed from the game and his team does not relinquish that lead. Such pitcher must complete either five innings of a game that lasts six or more innings on defense or four innings of a game that lasts five innings on defense.

So there you go. That’s a win. All those words up there. Who talks like that?

You know I can’t help but think that if they weren’t called Wins and Losses, the people who still use them would have moved on from them a long time ago right along with the rest of us. Instead, we hear people say things like, “the object of the game is to win, so give me a pitcher with the most wins over a pitcher with the highest C.L.A.P. any day,” or some shit like that. Which of course is silly because based on the definition I pasted up top, they’re a completely arbitrary set of rules that really have nothing to do with whether or not a pitcher’s team won or lost. If a Win was called by any other name, nobody would mention them. But since they were given a name that people associate with a team’s overall success, they’re still treated with high regard even though the rules given to a pitcher’s wins and losses do not equate evenly to a team’s wins and losses.

I don’t think we’ll ever convince the higher-ups to get rid of them completely because they’ve been counted for over a hundred years now. Plus the 300 benchmark for Wins is still pretty cool. So here’s what I propose: we change their names. And since I’m the person mentioning it, we’re naming it after me. From now on, a Win will be called a Happy and a Loss will be called a Sad.

Hey did you see that Jake Peavy is on his way to 20 Happys?

This could work*. Read the rest of this entry »

Well shit.

Cocaine generally clears the system in 3-5 days after limited use. (Heavy users could take 10-14 days.) After one-time use, a person usually tests positive for cocaine (or technically a metabolite of cocaine called benzoylecgonine) for only 2-3 days.

Washington took the unusual step of calling the commissioner’s office shortly after he was tested following the 2009 All-Star break to warn it that he might fail the test. Washington told the commissioner’s office and his Rangers bosses about his cocaine use before the test results were known, and the team decided not to fire him after the test did come back positive.

This was shocking.

My question is this…the dude’s not a player, he’s a coach.  So wouldn’t blow actually be considered a performance enhancer in this instance?  Increased concentration and a heightened sense of awareness?  Sounds like it could help a manager…just sayin’.

Hello everyone. Since I am fairly certain I may be the only Irish dude who writes for this site (We have a lot of Germans, Wops and a Jew) I would like to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick’s day. Why? Because it is the best fucking holiday of the year. In my family, we very rarely acknowledged birthdays or other such happy occasions. This has caused me to have some psychotic aversion to my birthday that I have issues explaining today and I have no desire to fix. One holiday my family does give a shit about is St. Patrick’s Day. My grandmother, who has passed on, used to call my house every March 17th before we went to school. Not because she cared how we were doing but because she wanted to make sure my mother had us dressed in green. That has stuck with me. In fact, I had to dig through my closet to find a green polo shirt to wear to work just so I wouldn’t let Grandma Bee down. Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

Huh, CC Sabathia murders US Soldiers in video game promo. Fucking Yankees. (7th Inning Stache)

The Awful, Awful Awful Awful Pirates. Awful. (PSaMP)

The best college backcourts in the tourney. (Not Qualified to Comment)

MLB: Top 5 young guns. (Josh Q. Public)

And on the third day of the week…Tebow threw. And god smiled. (Legend of Cecilio Guante)

The MLJ Video of the Day brought to you by LittleBuddha features an interview between Zack Galifinakis and some unemployed red head and his fat friend.

After the jump, I don’t care if she’s 50% plastic, I’m a big fan of the new Heidi Montag fuck doll. Read the rest of this entry »

Last night the Phoenix Suns scored 152 points in regulation against the hapless Timberwolves. While many might frown against running up the score against such an awful team with victory already in hand consider the following:

• Not one starter played more than 29 minutes last night.  All of them sat out the fourth quarter and much of the third.
• The Suns pulled Channing Frye, their backup center because he kept scoring too many threes.  They replaced him with Blake Griffin’s brother, old whatshisname.
• Louis Amundson scored a season high 20 points and the TWolves defense either couldn’t stop him or they stopped trying.  Louis Amundson is that player on every team that the crowd loves even though he’s not that good because he’s scrappy and works hard.  Except this year he seems to have gotten better.
• Former NBA player Haywoode Workman is a ref.  I didn’t know that.  Anyway, he was making jokes with Alvin Gentry in the 4th quarter after the Suns kept playing defense and sending guys to the line.  I imagine the joke was something along the lines of “Don’t you have someplace else you’d rather be?  Tell your team to stop fouling and hurry up.”
• This is the second time the TWolves have given up at least 146 points this season.

Can anyone tell me how Jimmy Fallon won the contest to host the new Late Night Show? He is awful. It’s a good thing The Roots are the house band and

Steve Higgins is the announcer. Because Jimmy is turrible. He has no improv skills whatsoever. The opening monologue is horrible and he has no interview skills. The skits are pretty good, but this ain’t Saturday Night Live. Yes, it’s 3AM and I’m writing a not so quality start.

I went to the bar to see a band play, and I came home way drunk. Even though I am currently dating a Jew, I met up with an ex-girlfriend tonight. She looked good, too (She’s a 4 foot 10 ex-stripper. and we used to do some illegal things* together). Of course, I almost hooked up with a different chick. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I am a loyal fellow. The band was decent, and the Swaggasaurus was in the hizzouse (Remember him?)

Did I mention the bar was in the new hipster neighborhood of Philly? Here’s the best part: a PBR Pounder and a shot of Heaven Hill for 4 bucks. Needless to say, we got fizzucked up.

What happened last night? After the jump, a nice rack and a bad ass video. (Middle Schoolers doing Pantera).  Read the rest of this entry »

Tomorrow is March 17th. You know what that means, right? It means it’s time to get drunk and fill out college basketball brackets.

Every year I seem to take the lead in my office by running the pool. It’s a tricky job because you never know who might not approve of office gambling. To avoid any hassles, we don’t play for money [as far as anyone knows who doesn't play]. So earlier this morning while preparing brackets for everyone, I managed to jam our office’s main printer. I was attempting to print off 30 brackets, but the printer jammed right in the beginning. So I opened up the main door on the printer and there were 2 printed brackets stuck inside different parts of the machine. You should have seen me frantically taking apart the whole thing. People kept walking by saying “Brian you alright?” as I was covered in black ink and there were printer parts lying all over the floor. I responded, “Brian, who the fuck is Brian?”

So like 5 minutes goes by and this guy walks up behind me wearing a Xerox shirt and he says “you didn’t try to print something on this machine, did you?” and I said “yeah” and he said “well the [xerox printer part that I can't recall right now] isn’t working so it keeps jamming so I’m replacing it now” and I said “oh I’m sorry, do your thing”.

Now I was nervous because I didn’t get a chance to cancel my job, so I knew there were like 27 or 28 brackets just waiting to be printed as soon as this guy fixed whatever it was that needed fixing. So he replaced the part, and sure enough, here they came. He looked at them and said “are these yours?” and I said “uh, is it an expense report?” and he said “no they’re college basketball brackets” and I said “hmmm, no those aren’t mine”.

Then he left and I grabbed them.

March Madness indeed.

Some television for you: Read the rest of this entry »

Jesus, what’s in the water in Pawtuckett?  After the organization suffered when then top-rated prospect, now hero Jon Lester overcame Lymphoma, the Red Sox now have another highly rated minor leaguer facing unusal health problems.

Ryan Westmoreland, a 19-year-old outfielder and Rhode Island native widely considered to be the best position prospect in the Boston Red Sox system, is scheduled to undergo brain surgery Tuesday for an unusual congenital condition that carries significant risk of neurological damage and is potentially life-threatening.

If this doesn’t put sports fandom into perspective I don’t know what does.  I mean, how could anyone root for the Yankees after hearing not one but two heart breaking stories about overcoming impossible odds.  Truly the Red Sox are symbolic of American greatness.

[weeps as "God Bless America" plays in the background]

Why do they allow such cantankerous assholes announce sports? Every sport seems to have one and college basketball’s resident piece of shit is none other than the overly biased Billy Packer. Here’s how bad he is: I watch college basketball 3 weeks per year and I know who Billy Packer is and I can hear the disdain he has for every single team in the world besides the big time teams (not counting Kansas). Say what you will about Dick Vitale’s over the top schtick at least he loves the game for which he provides commentary.

Packer is unbearable. He roots against the underdog and he hates comebacks. Remember when UNC lead Kansas 38-12 in the Final Four two years ago and Kansas came back to win? Instead of marvelling at the comeback you got the impression that Billy was more angry that he was wrong when he said the game was over with 7 minutes remaining in the first half. I don’t enjoy listening to him but I’m sure he has some fans. Personally he reminds me of my least favorite baseball commentator for many of the same reasons. Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

Drunken St. Patrick’s day girls. Possibly NSFW. (Coed Magazine)

Packers unveil horrendous new jerseys. (Chicago Now)

Jets need to learn their rightful place. No one puts Baby in the corner! (Sartpy and Firedns)

Jennifer Love Hewitt broke up with her douchey boyfriend. Fellas, if your lady suddenly goes from fat to hot it means you’re getting the boot. (Ask Men)

Cease and Desist letter riles baseball blogger. (7th Inning Stache)

Will Leitch makes funny jokes about being a true Yankee. That guy is the best. (Deadspin)

John Wall is NOT living the life of a typical 19-year-old. Jon Wallenstein is. (Global Sports Fraternity)

Woman aims to become the fattest woman of all time. Of all time! (Australian News)

The MLJ Video of the Day is some behind the scenes stuff from Inglorious Basterds which I enjoyed quite a bit despite the fact that it was mostly in French. Maybe I’m more cultured than the rest of you cock goblins.

After the jump, how to make a Michael Cera movie. Read the rest of this entry »