I never thought I’d be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.
I never thought I’d need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.
This is just therapy ‘cause you won’t take my calls and that makes God the only one who’s left here listening to me.
Given that I have a final on Saturday I hardly have the time to do this, but owing to how completely shitty this week has been I went for a drive around the eastern part of Kansas, which features a surprising amount of rural territory given how near I am to Kansas City.
Basically my shitty mood revolves around two things. One is my parents, who, even though I am 23, feel like they need to run my life and even though I am in both law and grad school every time I talk to them on the phone they tell me what I am doing wrong and what I should do to fix it.
But that, and all the stress that comes with school, is all still manageable because of my best friend. Sadly, I am not sure what is going on there. I haven’t told many people this (and the people I have told haven’t done great things with that information) but I am in love with my best friend and have been since the day we met 10 years ago. And we have dated in the past, but the last time I tried to make a move was when I asked her on a date our Sophomore year in college, she accepted, and then about a week later told me she couldn’t go out with me after all because she saw me as too good of a friend.
Now that we live in different states, all of our communication is by phone, which sucks. When I came home for spring break it magically coincided with the weekend she took off from work so she could go home to visit her parents. She had a boyfriend, but due to some advice from a friend I decided to tell her I had feelings for her and that I thought we should date. She told me she wanted to have a week or so to think about it, and so I waited the week, and called her when I got back to school. She then proceeded to tell me she just wanted to be friends. Naturally I was crushed. Anyways, we didn’t talk for two weeks, but after a new episode of HIMYM I decided to give her a call because that is what we always do after new HIMYM episodes. She then texted me after we talked and said she was glad I called and she had broken up with her boyfriend, but didn’t know what it meant for us, but that no matter what she wanted to stay friends.
So after calling her and texting her and things going back to normal, she said she had “stuff going on” last Tuesday when I tried calling her about HIMYM and that she would call me Wednesday. I said no problem. And it wasn’t a problem, until she didn’t call or text Wednesday. Well, whatever, people get busy and I am not a crazy clingy person so I was cool with it. Thursday? nothing. Friday? same. and etc. It has now been a week since I have talked to her on the phone, via text, facebook, whatever.
And that is what I have a big problem with. My entire life (well, adolescent and adult life) I have been there for her. I have been there for her whether she has asked me or not. I almost flew up there to drive her to a test that was 400 miles away last December, even though it was in the midst of my finals week. And yet she has not once ever stepped up or been there for me. She could be in the hospital or something and I would have no way of knowing because she doesn’t give a shit. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they don’t give a shit either.
I just feel quite overwhelmed about everything, and I don’t even care about my grades. I care that the one person in the world I care about more than anything, whom everything I do is an attempt to impress, doesn’t seem to care about me. I still hope things will work out between us, and I think they can, but I think I have gotten to the point where if I lose her as a potential girlfriend, she loses me as a friend.
(sorry for the no jump, I have no idea how to do it on a video post)
h/t Lovelorn loser