I Hear You Need Car

Posted on November 28, 2011 by spencer096

New friend, come!  Come!

You are in the luck today, friend, for I have solution to all of your problem.  You need new car, I have new car with all the whistles and the bells.  When you pull up to club, all of the girls will go “this guy, who is he?”  You get in club, they buy you vodka, champagne…you have good time, I promise.  My cousin Sergei is famous DJ at club…he know many ladies and has pill that make you feel like Cosmonaut.

I think you like this.  This car called “The Impression” because it will leave quite the impression on freezing girl standing outside club.  It car built like Stalin build Russia…design and parts stolen from Germany!  That is joke, my friend…relax.

Anyway…you like, da? Continue reading →

Posted in Whatnot | 4 Comments

What It Must Feel Like To Be From Cleveland: Rooting for the Mets in the Austerity Age

Posted on November 28, 2011 by RomanWarHelmet

Being a Mets fan has always been sort of a hardship. We have always prided ourselves as smarter and more passionate. That this never-ending cacophony of shit made us better people. But truthfully, we were blindly following a group of people that spent a lot of money very poorly. There is no hidden genius in giving Pedro Martinez 4 years when he is two years away from breaking down or Jason Bay 4 years when he is 3 months from breaking down. There certainly isn’t any genius in giving Oliver Perez 3 years $36 million. I guess we as fans were smart to be ahead of the curve on Ollie P but that is like saying we are smart for not wanting to bash your hand with a hammer. There are some things that are just known to be dumb.

While the Mets have spent money poorly, it is that same seemingly endless pile of money that always gave us the hope that they could bail themselves out of whatever shitty situation we (the Mets and their fans) had just encountered. The Wilpons may not be Mensa members but it doesn’t matter how smart you are, if you have money you can cover up a world of hurt. It meant going out and getting another closer after the old closer sucked and another hitter after the other hitter(s) sucked and another starter after the other four starters sucked. It was kind of nice knowing that every December, there would be a reason to pay attention and a reason to hope that whatever sucked last year would be washed away with some money and a new shiny player to call our own. Continue reading →

Posted in MLB | Tagged | 2 Comments

Point/Counterpoint: Astros Moving to the American League

Posted on November 28, 2011 by Hef

Point: The Astros moving to the AL is a travesty and disrespects Baseball History
by Jared Collins, Houston Native

This past week, the sale of the Houston Astros resulted in more than just a change of ownership; it created a change in divisional and league allignment that is cutting traditional baseball fans to the very core! Moving the Astros to the American League will cause unknown rifts in the way the game of baseball is played and the changes will reverberate for decades, if not centuries to come!

One cannot think about the Houston Astros without being constantly reminded of their great affect on the game of Baseball. Let us consider their field of play. The Astrodome was the first domed stadium in the game and revolutionized baseball architecture.  The “8th Wonder of the World” allowed baseball to be played in regions where games were previously considered impossible either due to excessive rain (Seattle) or excessive heat (Arizona).  The Astrodome was a marvel in engineering and should be given its own wing in Cooperstown. If not for the National League Houston Astros, would Major League Baseball have been able to have experienced the 2001 World Series between the Diamondbacks and the Yankees, one of the best played series of the past 20 years? I think not. And you have the Astros to thank for the stellar play of Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling.

And if the stadium itself wasn’t remarkable enough, consider the other great contribution the Houston Astros gave not only to the National League and to Baseball but to all sports: Astroturf.  Without the ingenuity and brilliance of the city of Houston, we would be left playing sports on bare concrete.  Certainly this warrants more respect than the Astros have received in the past few weeks.  Certainly this deserves the consideration and input of their great fans.  Certainly the Houston Astros ought to be respected as one of Major League Baseball’s premier teams for the contributions they have provided to America’s great pastime!

And these accolades do not even begin to account for the great teams and individual talent that have played National League baseball in this great baseball city.  Clearly we can not forget the original Killer B’s: Bagwell, Biggio, Bell and Berry and the later additions of Beltran, Burke and Berkman.  Who can forget the juggernaut of a team in 2005 who, after starting the season off slow, charged through July with a 22-7 record and never took their foot off the throttle the rest of the way.  Who can forget the brilliance of future Hall of Famers Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and Roy Oswalt?  Who can forget the drama of a team, picking themselves off the floor after Albert Pujols’ home run off of Brad Lidge in Game 6, only to see them regroup and win Game 7 to send them to the World Series?  These are memories etched into the collective mind of baseball fans everywhere!  Shall we sully these memories by tossing this beloved team into the American League without so much of a tip of the cap?

It is only through our diligence and vigilence that we will get this matter overturned.  It is only through our standing together as one and shouting at the powers that be that the most important matter of the Winter will be changed.  Baseball fans of the World, unite!  Join together and scream in unison, “This insult to the name of baseball shall not go unnoticed!  We stand as one!  We are baseball!”

Thank you.

CounterPoint: Continue reading →

Posted in MLB | 3 Comments

Quality Start

Posted on November 28, 2011 by spencer096

So I was trying to write this yesterday, you know start the week off with a bang and all that?  Well, it failed miserably in part because, at the time, I had the intellectual function of Syd Barrett and in part due to the fact that over the past 18 months each and every one of my sports teams has ripped out my heart leaving golf as the only thing that keeps me from putting a gun into my mouth and beating the traffic to hell.

Anywho, instead of recapping a bunch of games and doing something you can find at, literally, a thousand other sites, I figured what better way to kick off the MLJ reunion by just blatantly guessing at what happened?  It’s brilliant if you think about it, but don’t think too hard because that’s how coups start.

So without further adieu…SPENCER’S SUNDAY SPECULATION SPECTACULARRRR!  Here’s how it’s going to work…I’m going to pick a few games that I didn’t watch and guess what happened.  I may have mentioned that already, but redundancy is one of my favorite pasttimes.

Buffalo 24, NY Jets 28:  I’m guessing that the Jets won this handily with a stout running game while Buffalo had a special teams TD and a TD off a Sanchez interception to keep it interesting.  Sanchez probably went like 20-36 for 210 a TD and two INT’s or something and will be hailed for “making progress” and will be on the cover of the next Vanity Fair with a hotdog hanging out of his trousers saying “EAT THIS.”

Settle down, Hef. Continue reading →

Posted in Whatnot | 7 Comments

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

Posted on November 24, 2011 by Hef

After a year and a half of intense lobbying, Facebook campaigns and internet petitions, the Jerks at Major League, uh, Jerk have responded to your demands and will be celebrating the holiday season by providing one week (1 W33K!) of posts for your consumption. We are not immune to your disgusting groveling and tear-stained fan letters so we will condescend to your requests and throw you a sympathy fuck.

That’s right, starting on Monday we will provide one whole week of high brow sports analysis, insightful commentary, jaw dropping interviews with celebrities, and special guest visits from around the blogosphere. Also, you’ll all be required to make a diorama.

Now, we’re not doing this for free.  We figured this would be a good opportunity to raise money for our favorite charities.  So please paypal donations of $10 per pageview to majorleaguejerk@gmail.com.  You can trust us to disperse the money to the following worthy charities:

  • Clown’s Poor White Kids
  • Penn State’s “Reinstate Paterno” Movement
  • The “Put 3 Jewish Kids Through College so Their Father Doesn’t Have to Give Up His Addictive Gambling Habit” Fund
  • The “Jerry Sandusky was set up by Ray Gricar” Legal Fund
  • The Jimmy Fund (NSFW version)

Continue reading →

Posted in Whatnot | 7 Comments

Tony Romo

Posted on October 4, 2011 by RomanWarHelmet

Posted in NFL | 3 Comments

Lover’s Lament or Grow a Sack You Fucking Baby

Posted on April 27, 2011 by admin

watch?v=O4SbZj1tCec

I never thought I’d be driving through the country just to drive with only music and the clothes that I woke up in.

I never thought I’d need all this time alone. It goes to show I had so much yet I had need for nothing but you, but you.

————

This is just therapy ‘cause you won’t take my calls and that makes God the only one who’s left here listening to me.

————

Given that I have a final on Saturday I hardly have the time to do this, but owing to how completely shitty this week has been I went for a drive around the eastern part of Kansas, which features a surprising amount of rural territory given how near I am to Kansas City.

Basically my shitty mood revolves around two things. One is my parents, who, even though I am 23, feel like they need to run my life and even though I am in both law and grad school every time I talk to them on the phone they tell me what I am doing wrong and what I should do to fix it.

But that, and all the stress that comes with school, is all still manageable because of my best friend. Sadly, I am not sure what is going on there. I haven’t told many people this (and the people I have told haven’t done great things with that information) but I am in love with my best friend and have been since the day we met 10 years ago. And we have dated in the past, but the last time I tried to make a move was when I asked her on a date our Sophomore year in college, she accepted, and then about a week later told me she couldn’t go out with me after all because she saw me as too good of a friend.

Now that we live in different states, all of our communication is by phone, which sucks. When I came home for spring break it magically coincided with the weekend she took off from work so she could go home to visit her parents. She had a boyfriend, but due to some advice from a friend I decided to tell her I had feelings for her and that I thought we should date. She told me she wanted to have a week or so to think about it, and so I waited the week, and called her when I got back to school. She then proceeded to tell me she just wanted to be friends. Naturally I was crushed. Anyways, we didn’t talk for two weeks, but after a new episode of HIMYM I decided to give her a call because that is what we always do after new HIMYM episodes. She then texted me after we talked and said she was glad I called and she had broken up with her boyfriend, but didn’t know what it meant for us, but that no matter what she wanted to stay friends.

So after calling her and texting her and things going back to normal, she said she had “stuff going on” last Tuesday when I tried calling her about HIMYM and that she would call me Wednesday. I said no problem. And it wasn’t a problem, until she didn’t call or text Wednesday. Well, whatever, people get busy and I am not a crazy clingy person so I was cool with it. Thursday? nothing. Friday? same. and etc. It has now been a week since I have talked to her on the phone, via text, facebook, whatever.

And that is what I have a big problem with. My entire life (well, adolescent and adult life) I have been there for her. I have been there for her whether she has asked me or not. I almost flew up there to drive her to a test that was 400 miles away last December, even though it was in the midst of my finals week. And yet she has not once ever stepped up or been there for me. She could be in the hospital or something and I would have no way of knowing because she doesn’t give a shit. And I can’t talk to any of my friends about it because they don’t give a shit either.

I just feel quite overwhelmed about everything, and I don’t even care about my grades. I care that the one person in the world I care about more than anything, whom everything I do is an attempt to impress, doesn’t seem to care about me. I still hope things will work out between us, and I think they can, but I think I have gotten to the point where if I lose her as a potential girlfriend, she loses me as a friend.

(sorry for the no jump, I have no idea how to do it on a video post)

h/t Lovelorn loser

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

Self Indulgent Tripe: My Week in Orlando

Posted on March 22, 2011 by RomanWarHelmet

Continue reading →

Posted in Whatnot | Tagged | 16 Comments

Cleveland Trades Stuff for Jimmer Fredette

Posted on February 24, 2011 by admin
Jimmer Fredette will revive the short shorts.

Jimmer Fredette will resurrect a city and Mark Price's shorts.

/hernia’d

Posted in NBA | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Break’d News: ‘Melo to the Greatest City in the World

Posted on February 22, 2011 by RomanWarHelmet

A mighty and glorious HOOOOOOZAAAAAAHHHHH New York! What a day! It was a stroke of genius from Isiah Thomas the Knick organization to trade a bunch of white guys* and Ray Felton to Denver for the Great Carmelo Anthony, playoff warrior Chauncey Billups, prodigal son Renaldo Balkman and some other guys.

A sincere hat tip goes to Donnie Walsh and Mike D’Antoni. Donnie wheeled and dealed to get the Knicks cap space and white people while Mike D’Antoni made 4 nickles shine like 4 quarters. All of this made it possible for the fearless and intrepid owner, James Dolan, to navigate through shark infested waters to bring the Knicks it’s next great shining star.

It truly is a fair deal. The Knicks got a second superstar to go with Amare. Denver got more white people plus Ray Felton, who may be traded for even more white people! So sit back and enjoy New York as we watch the Knicks make a legit run at the 6th seed and a .500 record. The excitement is back! Continue reading →

Posted in NBA | 8 Comments