What’s on tonight?

Texas @ Seattle 10pm MLBN

Chicago @ Anaheim 10pm NHLN

San Antonio @ Orlando 8pm ESPN

Milwaukee @ LA Clippers 1030pm ESPN

NIT – Weber State @ Cincy 7pm ESPN2

NIT – St Johns @ Memphis 9pm ESPN2

Did you read all the posts today? It was choc full of Jerkiness all around. Roman talked about what St Patty’s Day meant to him and his family. Then there was a post about Ron Washington, who moments ago was named manager of my fantasy baseball team. Don’t forget the Stat of the Night, which was posted at 10 in the morning. And conversely, the Stat of the Day posted at 4pm this evening (Especially read that one. Happy is a fucking genius). And tonight is your last chance to enter the MLJ NCAA DFYB Tourney. You can win a book!

Be safe tonight. And don’t drink and drive. Let’s hope Weber State and St John’s pull out Happys tonight.

So there you go. That’s a win. All those words up there. Who talks like that?

You know I can’t help but think that if they weren’t called Wins and Losses, the people who still use them would have moved on from them a long time ago right along with the rest of us. Instead, we hear people say things like, “the object of the game is to win, so give me a pitcher with the most wins over a pitcher with the highest C.L.A.P. any day,” or some shit like that. Which of course is silly because based on the definition I pasted up top, they’re a completely arbitrary set of rules that really have nothing to do with whether or not a pitcher’s team won or lost. If a Win was called by any other name, nobody would mention them. But since they were given a name that people associate with a team’s overall success, they’re still treated with high regard even though the rules given to a pitcher’s wins and losses do not equate evenly to a team’s wins and losses.

I don’t think we’ll ever convince the higher-ups to get rid of them completely because they’ve been counted for over a hundred years now. Plus the 300 benchmark for Wins is still pretty cool. So here’s what I propose: we change their names. And since I’m the person mentioning it, we’re naming it after me. From now on, a Win will be called a Happy and a Loss will be called a Sad.

Hey did you see that Jake Peavy is on his way to 20 Happys?

This could work*.

* No it can’t. I just wanted to use the Jake Peavy picture again. It’s good to be back.

Well shit.

Cocaine generally clears the system in 3-5 days after limited use. (Heavy users could take 10-14 days.) After one-time use, a person usually tests positive for cocaine (or technically a metabolite of cocaine called benzoylecgonine) for only 2-3 days.

Washington took the unusual step of calling the commissioner’s office shortly after he was tested following the 2009 All-Star break to warn it that he might fail the test. Washington told the commissioner’s office and his Rangers bosses about his cocaine use before the test results were known, and the team decided not to fire him after the test did come back positive.

This was shocking.

My question is this…the dude’s not a player, he’s a coach.  So wouldn’t blow actually be considered a performance enhancer in this instance?  Increased concentration and a heightened sense of awareness?  Sounds like it could help a manager…just sayin’.

Hello everyone. Since I am fairly certain I may be the only Irish dude who writes for this site (We have a lot of Germans, Wops and a Jew) I would like to wish you all a Happy St. Patrick’s day. Why? Because it is the best fucking holiday of the year. In my family, we very rarely acknowledged birthdays or other such happy occasions. This has caused me to have some psychotic aversion to my birthday that I have issues explaining today and I have no desire to fix. One holiday my family does give a shit about is St. Patrick’s Day. My grandmother, who has passed on, used to call my house every March 17th before we went to school. Not because she cared how we were doing but because she wanted to make sure my mother had us dressed in green. That has stuck with me. In fact, I had to dig through my closet to find a green polo shirt to wear to work just so I wouldn’t let Grandma Bee down.

The other aspect to this holiday is the food and beverage. Well, truthfully it is the beverage. I mean the Irish are known for their drinking not their culinary skills. I do love Corned Beef and Potatoes and not so much Cabbage but we are boiling food in a pot. Not exactly 4 star shit. My Grandpa and Nana would come over and my mom would make the dinner. We would all sit at the table, eat and drink, laugh and be together. Besides Christmas, this is the only holiday where I felt my family acted this way. My Grandpa, also no longer with us, was always good to me. I looked up to him and he would talk baseball and tell stories. He would crack silly jokes that I use on all my nieces and nephews today. He and my Dad would give us a sip of beer and make us feel like one of the guys. I loved those moments. I miss them. If I did that now, I would probably get arrested for giving booze to a minor.

So today, I am dressed in a wrinkled green shirt for my grandmother to show my pride. I have the beers ready for after work (that’s in memory of my Grandpa) and I made a huge Corned Beef and Cabbage dinner Sunday which we will reheat tonight. I keep the brine, which has all the flavor, and use that. No nuking the shit for me. So to you all I wish you a drunken, slovenly display of pride. A Happy St. Patty’s Day to you all.

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them

Huh, CC Sabathia murders US Soldiers in video game promo. Fucking Yankees. (7th Inning Stache)

The Awful, Awful Awful Awful Pirates. Awful. (PSaMP)

The best college backcourts in the tourney. (Not Qualified to Comment)

MLB: Top 5 young guns. (Josh Q. Public)

And on the third day of the week…Tebow threw. And god smiled. (Legend of Cecilio Guante)

The MLJ Video of the Day brought to you by LittleBuddha features an interview between Zack Galifinakis and some unemployed red head and his fat friend.

After the jump, I don’t care if she’s 50% plastic, I’m a big fan of the new Heidi Montag fuck doll.

• Not one starter played more than 29 minutes last night.  All of them sat out the fourth quarter and much of the third.
• The Suns pulled Channing Frye, their backup center because he kept scoring too many threes.  They replaced him with Blake Griffin’s brother, old whatshisname.
• Louis Amundson scored a season high 20 points and the TWolves defense either couldn’t stop him or they stopped trying.  Louis Amundson is that player on every team that the crowd loves even though he’s not that good because he’s scrappy and works hard.  Except this year he seems to have gotten better.
• Former NBA player Haywoode Workman is a ref.  I didn’t know that.  Anyway, he was making jokes with Alvin Gentry in the 4th quarter after the Suns kept playing defense and sending guys to the line.  I imagine the joke was something along the lines of “Don’t you have someplace else you’d rather be?  Tell your team to stop fouling and hurry up.”
• This is the second time the TWolves have given up at least 146 points this season.

Can anyone tell me how Jimmy Fallon won the contest to host the new Late Night Show? He is awful. It’s a good thing The Roots are the house band and

Steve Higgins is the announcer. Because Jimmy is turrible. He has no improv skills whatsoever. The opening monologue is horrible and he has no interview skills. The skits are pretty good, but this ain’t Saturday Night Live. Yes, it’s 3AM and I’m writing a not so quality start.

I went to the bar to see a band play, and I came home way drunk. Even though I am currently dating a Jew, I met up with an ex-girlfriend tonight. She looked good, too (She’s a 4 foot 10 ex-stripper. and we used to do some illegal things* together). Of course, I almost hooked up with a different chick. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I am a loyal fellow. The band was decent, and the Swaggasaurus was in the hizzouse (Remember him?)

Did I mention the bar was in the new hipster neighborhood of Philly? Here’s the best part: a PBR Pounder and a shot of Heaven Hill for 4 bucks. Needless to say, we got fizzucked up.

What happened last night? After the jump, a nice rack and a bad ass video. (Middle Schoolers doing Pantera). Phoenix 152, Minny 114

Lakers 106, Sacramento 99

Denver 97, Washington 87

memphis 104, chicago 97

Cleveland 113, Detroit 101

San Antonio 88, Miami 76

Atlanta 108, NJ 84

Indiana 99, Charlotte 94

And just for the fuck of it, Brooklyn Decker…

Every year I seem to take the lead in my office by running the pool. It’s a tricky job because you never know who might not approve of office gambling. To avoid any hassles, we don’t play for money [as far as anyone knows who doesn't play]. So earlier this morning while preparing brackets for everyone, I managed to jam our office’s main printer. I was attempting to print off 30 brackets, but the printer jammed right in the beginning. So I opened up the main door on the printer and there were 2 printed brackets stuck inside different parts of the machine. You should have seen me frantically taking apart the whole thing. People kept walking by saying “Brian you alright?” as I was covered in black ink and there were printer parts lying all over the floor. I responded, “Brian, who the fuck is Brian?”

So like 5 minutes goes by and this guy walks up behind me wearing a Xerox shirt and he says “you didn’t try to print something on this machine, did you?” and I said “yeah” and he said “well the [xerox printer part that I can't recall right now] isn’t working so it keeps jamming so I’m replacing it now” and I said “oh I’m sorry, do your thing”.

Now I was nervous because I didn’t get a chance to cancel my job, so I knew there were like 27 or 28 brackets just waiting to be printed as soon as this guy fixed whatever it was that needed fixing. So he replaced the part, and sure enough, here they came. He looked at them and said “are these yours?” and I said “uh, is it an expense report?” and he said “no they’re college basketball brackets” and I said “hmmm, no those aren’t mine”.

Then he left and I grabbed them.

March Madness indeed.

Some television for you:

Lost (ABC): Oh great, a [character from the show I hate] episode. I always hate those.

/In case you didn’t notice, that was me making fun of people who hate episodes that focus on a character they dislike, such as Kate, Jack, or Hurley. Push on already with that noise. You sound like a fucking moron. On a positive note, Taylor Vaughan from “She’s All That” will be making an appearance in tonight’s episode. Whatever, don’t even act like you don’t know who I’m talking about.

American Idol (Fox): Watch 3 singers perform pretty well while 9 others completely shit the bed as per usual. Also watch Kara. She’s hot.  And yes I would.

Natural History of Chicken (PBS): Hef told me to include this. I’m not sure why.

/inside joke’d
//chicken Hef’d

Arkansas (Pine Bluff) vs. Winthrop (ESPN): The play-in game to decide who will get their ass kicked by Duke. My money’s on Winthrop. Either that or Arkansas.

That’s about it, those are your options. They’re really not bad so you should enjoy your night. Until next time, remember that good things come to those who wait. Unless you’re at the doctor’s office and you’re waiting for positive cancer results.

See you next time, My Lovelies.

Ryan Westmoreland, a 19-year-old outfielder and Rhode Island native widely considered to be the best position prospect in the Boston Red Sox system, is scheduled to undergo brain surgery Tuesday for an unusual congenital condition that carries significant risk of neurological damage and is potentially life-threatening.

If this doesn’t put sports fandom into perspective I don’t know what does.  I mean, how could anyone root for the Yankees after hearing not one but two heart breaking stories about overcoming impossible odds.  Truly the Red Sox are symbolic of American greatness.

[weeps as "God Bless America" plays in the background]

Why do they allow such cantankerous assholes announce sports? Every sport seems to have one and college basketball’s resident piece of shit is none other than the overly biased Billy Packer. Here’s how bad he is: I watch college basketball 3 weeks per year and I know who Billy Packer is and I can hear the disdain he has for every single team in the world besides the big time teams (not counting Kansas). Say what you will about Dick Vitale’s over the top schtick at least he loves the game for which he provides commentary.

Packer is unbearable. He roots against the underdog and he hates comebacks. Remember when UNC lead Kansas 38-12 in the Final Four two years ago and Kansas came back to win? Instead of marvelling at the comeback you got the impression that Billy was more angry that he was wrong when he said the game was over with 7 minutes remaining in the first half. I don’t enjoy listening to him but I’m sure he has some fans. Personally he reminds me of my least favorite baseball commentator for many of the same reasons.

Buck_0001
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