…..

Joe…

…..

Joe!

Yeah, Hef?

Quit fucking smiling, man.

Oh, am I smiling right now?

We both know you are.

Hmmm…what on earth would I have to smile about?

Fuck you, Joe.

No seriously, what on earth would I have to smile about?

You’re gonna make me say it?

Say what, Hef?

Say that you won a Super Bowl and were named MVP?

Oh…did that happen?  Did that really happen?

I am this close to blowing my fucking brains out.  Up is down.  Black is white.  Nothing makes sense anymore.

Is Spence around?

Spence!

What?

Joe would like to talk to you.

I am this close to blowing my fucking brains out.

I already said that.

Well it deserves to be said again.

This is going to be a long fucking year.

fin

Dr. Stella Handworker:  So Joe…tell me about your relapse.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  I understand it can be difficult, especially so soon afterwards, but Joe…I think it’s important we confront this problem early and make sure it doesn’t take root.  I understand you’ve been having some confidence issues lately…would you like to talk about it?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, you have to understand that there’s nothing you can do about other people’s opinions of you.  You can’t dwell on negative thoughts and let them take over your life otherwise you’ll never be fulfilled, either professionally or spiritually.  All you can do is go out there and accept what’s happened in the past and do your best on every play.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, you can’t just ignore your problems…[phone rings]…one second Joe, I need to take this.  Hello?

John Harbaugh:  Doc, he did it again.  The motherfucker did again.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell he’s even doing at practice…I mean, he’s physically there, but it’s like he’s dead behind the eyes.  Almost like he’s haunted.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Go on…[makes "one second" hand gesture at Joe Flacco]

John Harbaugh:  I just have no idea what it is, but something’s obviously been bothering him.  Every time you try and talk to the guy…you know, try to help him out, he just snaps and accuses you of not giving him enough credit.  His emotional detachment has hurt the team and it’s bringing the whole lockerroom down…HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ACT OF VALOR COMMERCIAL?!?!

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Of course I have, John…it looks amazing.  And sorry to interrupt, but I’m going to have to call you back, I’m with a patient at the moment.  [hangs up]  Sorry Joe, where were we?

Dr. Stella Handworker:   Right, your relapse.  Joe…[phone rings]…sorry again, my secretary is out for the week.  This will only take a minute…hello?

 Cam Cameron:  Why does everyone hate me?  I’m stuck trying to make chicken salad out of chickenshit [sobs]…and I can’t just give it to Rice every play or we’ll get too predictable [sobs]…and even when I do a good job I still feel like I have to run an offense that’ll hold Flacco’s hand [sobs]…and I’m in a no-win situation [sobs]…and sometimes I just feel like going home and taking a bunch of…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [under her breath] Oh, I do NOT have time for this…Cam?  CAM?!?  YOU MUST BE DRIVING THROUGH A TUNNEL, YOU’RE BREAKING UP.

 Cam Cameron:  But I’m at home…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [hangs up]…right where were we?

 [phone rings]

Dr. Stella Handworker:  My goodness…apologies again.  Hold that thought, Joe…Yes?

Derrick Mason:  BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT MOTHERFUCKER DID IT AGAIN!!!  HE AINT EVER GONNA BE SHIT!!!  I WAS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [hangs up with scared look on face]…Joe, I think we’ve reached a plateau in your therapy.  You keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I think we need to try a new approach.  I’m going to put a series of photos designed to disturb you on the projector and tell me whom you’re going to throw too or if you’re going to hold the ball within a second, ok?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Lets start with an easy one, your old friend Derrick.

Dr. Stella Handworker: Joe?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Dumpoff to Rice!  Good job Joe!  Lets do another one…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  What are you going to do, Joe?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, we talked about this…you can’t just automatically give it to Ray Rice.  Sure, it’s not the worst thing to do in the world, but eventually you’re going to have to take some shots downfield.  I want to get you out of your comfort zone a little bit Joe…what about this one?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe…don’t be scared.  This exercise is designed to force you to make difficult decisions quickly and rely on the instincts you’ve been questioning recently.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Something’s making you nervous, I can tell.  Joe, this is a safe place…nobody’s going to hurt you in this room.  Open up and tell me what’s the matter.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you.  Lets try one more, but before I show you, Joe, understand that we’re about to salve an open wound…I want to see how you react and make sure that you’re not still beating yourself up over this.  We’ve made so much progress with putting the immediate past behind you and moving on, we want to make sure you’re still on the right path.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Oh Joe…[sigh]…I want to help you.  There are people who care about you that are concerned.  We love you, Joe.  You can do it this time!  We believe in you!

Dr. Stella Handworker:  There you go!  Cmon Joe!

John Harbaugh:  Yea buddy!  You can do it!

Anquan Boldin:  Holy shit he’s gonna do it!

Ray’s Minor and Major:  HE’S FINALLY GONNA DO IT!!!

Jim Zorn:  Trust your training Joe.  I’ve left an indelible mark on you during our training, young Jedi…you have truly usurped the master.  Use the force, Joe…and may the force be with you.  Never forget our time together.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Oh no…

John Harbaugh:  NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Cam Cameron:  YOU PROBABLY COST ME MY JOB, YOU ASSHOLE.

Anquan Boldin:  Wonder what Kurt’s up to…

Derrick Mason:  BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim Harbaugh:  Need a hand, John?

John Harbaugh:  Wha?  How the hell did you get in here?  Not now, Jim…I’m dealing with…

Jim Harbaugh:  jk lol

John Harbaugh:  That guy has to be the world’s biggest asshole.

Terrelle Pryor:  You’ll be throwing to me one day!

Mike Vick:  You wanna know how I still played after getting the shit kicked out of me all year?  Right hyah, lawya.  Hey hey hey, smoke weed every day.

Ray Rice:  [waves while open in the flat]

Watching the entire time, Troy Polamalu flies in at the last minute and intercepts the pass.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [clears schedule]

fín

…..

Spence: Joe?

…..

Hef: Joe?

…..

Spence and Hef: Joe!

Joe: What?

Spence: You’re doing it wrong, man.

Hef: You’re fucking doing it wrong.

Spence: The fuck, Joe?

Hef: Jesus Christ.

Joe: Well shit, guys, that’s why I’m here isn’t it?

Spence: [big puff off officially licensed MLJ bong] Isn’t it what?

Joe: We’ve been over this, Spence.  Put that shit away.

Spence: Maybe I’ll just stare at my Polamalu bobble head long enough that he’ll return it for me.

Joe: Actually that gets at why I’m here.  I need you two guys to start making fun of me on the internet again.

Hef: Sorry Joe [takes long drag off cigarette] but we’re retired.  [blows smoke in Flacco's face.]

Joe: I can make it worth your while, guys, I’m desparate.  Have you seen how shitty I’ve been this season?  Ever since you guys stopped writing those posts where I’m a bumbling idiot without any commonsense or timing, my Quarterbacking skills have gone down the shitter.  56% completion?!?  13 TDs versus 8 INTS?!?  A passer rating below 80?!?  These are hardly the numbers of a future Hall of Famer?

Hef: Who’s a future Hall of Famer?

Spence: Kurt Warner.

Joe:  I’m talking about me, guys.

Spence: Remember when Tyler Palko made you transfer?

Joe: That’s what I’m saying.  Your posts used to inspire me to be better.  Remember when you guys wrote that WonderPets post about how I needed a bunch of cartoon characters to teach me how to be a better quarterback?  Well that pissed me off something fierce.  After that post I put up 300 yards and threw for 3 TDs.

Spence: And an interception…

Hef: Against Kansas City.  Big fucking deal.

Joe: See, this is what I need.  I need your hatred of me as a quarterback to become public again.

Hef: It’s not just us, Joe.

Spence: Totally.

Hef: A lot of people hate you, Joe.

Spence: Because you fucking suck.

Joe: I know but there’s something about you two that drives me to insane levels of rage.  It might have something to do with the fact that you are two of the least likable people on the planet.

Spence: Unlikable? Me?

Hef: Eat a dick, Joe.

Joe: Like, for example, do you know how many interceptions I have thrown to Troy Polamalu in my career?

Spence: Twelve?

Hef: Gotta be in the hundreds.  Maybe even thousands.

Joe: One.  I’ve thrown one interception to Troy Polamalu.

Spence: Pretty big interception though…

Hef: He returned it 40 yards for a TD.

Spence: In the playoffs…

Hef: In the fucking playoffs!

Spence:  That’s gotta count for, like, twelve.

Joe: Are you guys even Ravens fans?

Hef: Good god, no.  Fuck Baltimore

Spence: Fuck you for even insinuating that I’d be a Ravens fan, you cocksucker.

Joe: This is what I mean.  You two are such fucking pricks about stuff that shouldn’t matter to you and yet you build it up and build it up until it becomes life and death.  This is why I need you to help me out.  Can I pay you to write a post about me being a shitty quarterback? Money isn’t really a concern for me.

Spence: $75!

Hef: $80!

Spence: $81!

Hef: $1!

Spence: [grumbles] Whatever, lets just get this over with.  Whenever you’re ready, Princess.

…..

Hef: You’re still fucking doing it wrong.

Joe: I, uh, wasn’t trying to do the stare that time.

Spence: Well can you please pull your head out of your ass and use it to stare at something then?

…..

Spence:  [exasperated sigh]

Hef: This is getting old.  Lets make a deal…if you get your fucking stare right, we’ll come back for another week.  Deal?

Joe: Yeah, we have a deal.

Spence: Alright then we really need you to get into character and that means you need to fix your shit.

…..

Hef: Jesus can we get him a mirror?  Can you see yourself?  This is not the stare, Joe. That’s constipation.

Spence: Here, Joe, look at me.  I can do a pretty good impression of you.

…..

Joe: That’s what you want?

Hef: What the fuck are you doing?  That’s fucking awful.  Look at me.

…..

Spence: That’s pretty good actually.

Hef: I used to take acting classes.  I’m pretty comfortable with my body.

Joe: How’s this?

…..

Hef: That’s the same fucking thing you’ve been doing.

Spence: I feel like we should get a Derrick Mason fathead or something.

Joe: Okay, what about…this?

…..

Hef: Why are you smiling?

Spence: Where did the hat come from?

Joe: I don’t know if I can do it, guys.

Hef: You fucking quitter.

Spence: You make me sick to my stomach.

Hef: No wonder Ray Lewis is the face of the franchise.

Spence: I bet your mother drank when she was pregnant with you.

[Joe stares at them, his face shaking with rage, his eyes become red with anger]

Joe: I’m ready.

…..

Hef: I don’t know.  It’s better.

Spence: That’s pretty damn close.  Could we add more to the unibrow?

…..

Hef: Joe?

Spence: Joe, can we color in more unibrow?  On your face?  With a permanent marker?  Joe?

…..

Hef: Fuck, if he’s really in character we could be here all day.

Spence: Should’ve asked for $85.

Hef: We should probably focus on a plot for the post?

Spence: I feel like it shouldn’t be on a football field?

Hef: Too obvious.  Agreed.  Let’s mix it up a little.

Spence: Something topical, man.  Like the Penn St. scandal or St. Barts or something.

Hef: Joe is in the locker room staring as Jerry Sandusky diddles a 10 year old boy in the shower.  He doesn’t try to stop it, he just stares and stares.

…..

Spence: But how do we fit Troy Polamalu in?  Oh shit! At the last minute, Troy swoops in and steals all the evidence proving that Ray Gricar and Sandusky were secret lovers and that’s why Gricar was killed by Sandusky.

Hef: Troy swoops in and steals Joe Paterno’s memory.

Spence: Troy Alzheimers?

Hef:  You really are a dick.

Spence:  Howabout Polamalu swooping in and returning Ray Gricar’s laptop?

Hef: Jesus Christ, this stuff practically writes itself.

Spence: You start writing, I’ll call Rex and tell him we need a gif of Polamalu spiking a hard drive.

Hef: I’ll call our lawyer and let him know we might need him around next week.

Spence: The man has only one look, for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it!

Hef: You’re the only person who found that movie funny.

Spence: Shut up.

Joe: Hey guys…what do you want to, you know, write about?  Maybe put me on a football field with a bunch of shitty QBs and I’m teaching them how to be great?

Hef: Uh, yeah, Joe.  That’s what we’re going to write about.

Spence: That’s actually not a bad idea.  Let’s see if we can get him to pay us for a second post.

fin

What a week for conceited douchebags! Where do I begin? Well, we can start with Urban Meyer. Apparently the minor league football world is abuzz that a football coach left ESPN to coach football. Not that I care. Spencer, Rex and NickP seem to give a shit so good for them.

The big scuttlebutt is that he knew he was going to coach Ohio State but didn’t say he was then denied he was and then actually became the coach. That “broke the trust” between me the viewer and ESPN the news organization.  According to Twitter, I am supposed to be outraged. I will head down to Bristol and Occupy it to represent the unwashed masses.

Speaking of ESPN and breaking trust, Craig James seemed to bring out the funny in people on the Big Lead. Why am supposed to be outraged, or at least mildly upset about Urban Meyer, when Craig James collects a healthy paycheck from ESPN? This is a guy who used his influence to get his son a scholarship to a BCS school and then used the same influence to get the successful coach of that school fired because he wasn’t playing his lazy, charity case son.

My other question on the matter is, why does Craig James have power? Did I miss something? Besides riding Eric Dickerson’s coattails at SMU, did he amass some sort of power base that I missed? Why are stuffy people in suits beholdened to him? It isn’t like he is the John Madden of college football? Either he has the Force and uses it for evil or smart people are very very dumb. Or at the very least insecure and go back to some High School social structure where cool, good looking Craig James owns the halls and they want to hang be his side looking for leftover pussy. Whatever, minor league football is teh ghey.

More fun in conceited douchebaggery, Jim Boeheim’s press conference yesterday should be shown in communications classes worldwide as the “how not to” version of defending yourself and acting contrite. Holy shit. I mean, he has a very valid point. If someone you knew for years is accused of something that was already “proven” to be false, you tend to defend that person. I am not saying he should jump ship on the guy* now but shut the fuck up and stop waving statements at the press. Seriously, fake a little. I don’t need a tear filled apology but he should have said something like:

“I am trying stand beside my friend but I am dealing with all of this in the same real time manner as everyone. Sorry, if my initial defense was too harsh. I have to respect the investigation and will do everything I can to help and support it. I cannot make any more comments on the matter.”

That is it. No smiling and waving statements. And what the fuck Syracuse communications team? You work for one of the top Communication schools in the world. I am assuming you all graduated from it. Why are you letting him go on like that? Holy shit.

Not that I mean to pick on the PR aspect of it all (well I do) but I tend to side with Boeheim a little. Penn State had a total institutional coverup where there were multiple events that the powers that be were aware of. Syracuse had an investigation by the school, police and two news organizations and nothing could be corroborated. I understand Boeheim’s initial emotions, he felt it was old shit being dragged up for money. He still may be right. But at this point, shut the fuck up. Last night was embarrassing.

In one last great moment for conceited douchebags, Bobby Valentine is going to manage the Red Sox. A disclaimer, I fucking love Bobby V. Everything he did after 9/11 for the city of New York was top notch and classy.The man also took the Mets to the World Series with Timo Perez and Benny Agbayani playing prominent rolls. That is also what makes him a conceited douche. He doesn’t feel the need to go after real talent. He would rather look smart by riding a Timo Perez hot streak or feeling he will be the guy to get Mo Vaughn back in shape after watching him hit BP in a cage in Connecticut then pushing real talent to the forefront. No one is better at managing a roster and a bullpen then Bobby V. He is also the first one to tell that he is the best at managing a roster and an bullpen.

Frankly, I think Bobby is perfect for that Red Sox team. They have a bunch of statues that can’t be moved but they also have a few areas (SS, RF, C) that he can do his Bobby V thing and take bows. I also think his sarcastic press conferences will both entertain and infuriate Red Sox fans. He will polarize the fan base. But frankly, those yahoos are polarized about everything.

So in summation, Fuck Boston, Fuck Minor League Football and Fuck ESPN.

Enjoy your day.

*not that this is looking very promising for Bernie Fine but the people involved in this are not exactly trustworthy

1. Tom Brady – Since Brady cut his hair, he is back to being the greatest QB ever. The guy does it all, great hair, cool hats, nice wardrobe, Gisele. Plus his tight end dates Porn stars us can find pics of. Total package.

2. Tim Tebow – Us understands there is a lot of controversy surrounding him because he hasn’t had sex with a lady but look what that guy did to Rex Ryan’s vaunted defense. It was unbelievable. There is no way that that guy is not magical like Jesus or Criss Angel. After Sanchez, he is we’s favorite QB. If he started dating some hot chicks though…

3. Ben Roethlisberger – I think he hasn’t been the same since he had that sex scandal. I mean he went to a Super Bowl and all but he lost. This feels very Tiger Woods like to me. I wonder if he has an angry caddie with a funny accent.

4. Aaron Rodgers – He has a few things going for him. 1) The Discount Double Check. Hilarious. 2) He has won a Super Bowl. 3) He got to spend all those years learning from Brett Favre. Imagine if Mark Sanchez had that time? But what he doesn’t have going for him is a WAG that I have a Facebook photo or screen cap of. Until Us sees what type of talent level he is really at, he can’t be Top 3.

5. Drew Brees – Not only did he go to New Orleans when no one else would and lead them to prominence, his grandfather was the only person who fought in World War II. I saw that on ESPN. He is so inspirational. If only he would remove that thing from his face, then I could put him up there with Brady.

6. Peyton Manning – Us thinks he is purposely taking the season off so the Colts will trade him to a team that has a chance to win. Me thinks that makes him a fraud. Unless Eli has a spare bedroom that Peyton can use if he comes to the Jets…

7. Alex Smith – Us just loves winners and let me tell you, the 49ers have a lot of wins.

8. Mark Sanchez – A lot of people say he’s not a Top 8 QB, and us agree with them. But there’s no way we am putting anybody else ahead of him on this list. He may not be a top 8 QB, but he’s definitely at least 8th best in the NFL. Us don’t see how anyone can say differently.

9. Cam Newton – It is just wrong that the Panthers owner doesn’t want Cam to get earrings or tats. Think about how badass he would look with a tattoo of a Panther on his forearm. Not only would he look cool, he would represent. Come on Jerry Richardson!

10. Blaine Gabbert – I don’t know who this is but he was drafted 10th so he must be the 10th best at quarterbacking.

11. Tony Romo: See this post.

12. Eli Manning – Imagine if Eli never changed offensive coordinators? He would be just like Mark Sanchez. But he did, so he isn’t. Just sayin’

12: Matt Stafford: We told you the Lions would be good to start the season.  And then we also said they might not live up the hype which means we were right about the 2nd half of the season too.  We’re really good at predicting sports we don’t even watch.

14. Matt Ryan – Matty Ice is the coolest nickname. See what I did there? Lulz.

15. Jay Culter – Just how important is a thumb? In last week’s Finger Poll Power Rankings, it was #4. #1 was the ring finger for obvious reasons.

I think the Bears will be just fine.

16. John Skelton: This guy is winning despite the fact that he sucks in every major stat category used to rank QBs.  We can’t imagine how anyone would think this guy is any good…unless he played for the Jets or was a crazy-ass Evangelical.

17. Andy Dalton – His red hair makes us kind of uneasy. If he was more of a blonde we would like him a lot better.

18. Vince Young – Shoe.

19. Rex Grossman – Do you think people made fun of him in elementary school? Like look, it’s Rex! Gross man. That would have been killer.

20. Sam Bradford – Us am totally in to gambling now so when I found out Bradford is an Indian, I felt better knowing I could bet on him and it would not be illegal.

21. Colt McCoy – Imagine if he played behind a good offensive line and had a big receiver to throw too? He would be super awesome.

22. Mike Vick – I am so down on Vick this year. He isn’t living up to the expectations of people who put high expectations on him. But me will give him this, if he keeps losing or faking hurt then us could see Marty Morningweg wearing a Jets jumpsuit.

23. Tyler Palko: I really don’t know anything about this guy, so instead I wanted to tell you about this new curl routine I’ve started doing. Grab a 45 pound dumbbell and do as many curls as possible (like 2 for me lol!), then drop down 5 pounds and continue till you’ve done every weight. Guys, this really works. Since I’ve started doing it, the number of people who shoot me dirty looks in the gym has gone way down, like almost 10% fewer!

24. Matt Moore: The Dolphins started the season and 0-7 but then won 3 in a row which means that Matt Moore is just a late bloomer.  We can sympathize with that as we’ve been stuck at 5’2″ since we were 13.

25. Ryan Fitzpatrick – I totally LOLed when that Bills gave him that contract. It just doesn’t seem fair. Imagine the money he could make if he was part of a 16 team playoff!

26. Brett Favre – Imagine if he actually had sex with Jenn Sterger. That would have changed his legacy.

27. Matt Leinart – Remember when he used to have sex with a lot of girls and I knew about it. Well, I haven’t heard a lot about that lately. Total fraud.

28. Philip Rivers -Us heard he has like 6 kids. I bet none of his kids are cute enough to be in a cute baby competition. Like some peoples. *puffs chest*

29. Carson Palmer – Remember how funny he was on Hard Knocks? That thing where his hand stunk because his center had swamp butt. Hilarious.

30. Matt Hasslebeck -I would rank him much higher if he was the one married to the girl from the View, not his brother. I find her to be hot and smart. Total package. You think he has ever met her?

32. Eli Manning: Yes, he has a Super Bowl ring. But did you know that his stats for his first three seasons compare very favorably to a QB who’s considered by most knowledgeable people to be very shitty?

Ergo, Eli sucks.

Every time I click on a forbes.com link, I have the same mindset.  ”Maybe THIS is the time where forbes.com got their heads out of their asses and quit this whole slideshow bullshit.”  Every.  Single.  Time.

And, likewise, every single time I click on the link and see that absolutely nothing has changed, I feel like a jackass.  It’s like they’re laughing at me.  ”AHAHAHAH…look who came back.  The retard who thinks that we, FORBES, will change our ways to make our site more navigable and readable.  What a fool.”

If it weren’t forbes.com and say, icanhazcheezburger.com or whatever, it wouldn’t be an issue because they’re not pretentious rich assholes.  But forbes.com?  Oh, they’re pretentious rich assholes.  They’re going to make us click each and every one of those slides if we truly want that information, and God forbid that you want to go back and see a previous one…hope you remembered which slide it was.

And the whole time you get this sense that they’re not changing it for no other reason than to be known as those assholes that make internet navigating as difficult as possible.  Nevermind that the site itself loads slower than shit or that you often have to resize the page just so you can find the ‘next’ button, the simple fact that their core method for delivering information is a fucking SLIDESHOW is the biggest problem.

There’s an adage that goes something like “a politician is someone who, upon seeing light at the end of the tunnel orders more tunnel,” and you can’t help but apply that quote to this awful, bullshit site for a shitty money magazine that’s probably written, published, read and marketed solely to rich, white assholes who fear change like it’s the fucking apocalypse.

Then again, it could just be a brilliant strategy that keeps people from actually reading the content…if the only emotion you feel after visiting forbes.com is pure, unadulterated rage, you probably won’t notice that the only difference between forbes.com and Bleacher Report is a quick run of spell check.

So, to summarize…fuck you forbes.com and the horse you rode in on.

We here at Major League Jerk have spent countless seconds discussing which Hall of Fames are truly Hall of Fame worthy and which belong on the 5th tier of the celestial pyramid by the gift shop and outside the family restroom. Below is our next inductee.

Located in Cooperstown, New York, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum is like the Bill Russell of all Hall of Fames. First, the Baseball Hall of Fame may not have the stats of say the Football Hall of Fame or one of the Basketball Hall of Fames but it does have all the intangibles. The Football Hall of Fame is great but it is in Ohio. That right there knocks it down in pantheon status. Did you know the Baseball Hall of Fame is in Cooperstown which is in the state of New York? Did you know if you wanted to you could crash of CRM’s couch and it would be a half an hour or so drive* to get there? Both are the little things that make it a Hall of Fame HOF. It’s true.

But if you don’t believe me maybe you will believe my buddy Monkeykong, who is as passionate on the subject as I am.

You are putting Hall of Fames in the Hall of Fame? What the fuck are you talking about? Who gives a shit? I think it is full blown retarded when Grantland puts You Tube videos that have 14 views in a ‘Hall of Fame”. But sure, if you are serious then yes, I guess the Baseball Hall of Fame is a Hall of Famer. Die.

See. Told you. If my buddy thinks it is HOF then it is. It just is. Any place that has such all time greats like Andre Dawson, Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Pete Rose, and Goose Gossage is truly worthy of recognition. Now if it just allowed Jack Morris in, then the Baseball Hall of Fame would truly reach the top of the pyramid.

*45 minutes if you drive like a fucking pussy

Thank you, but shit, I didn’t miss staring out at you fat ugly fucks while I was gone.

It was a hard decision to come back, one I had to make with my family.  Just kidding…you think I give a shit what my wife and idiot daughters think?  ”Oh no, I’m going to turn down one of the highest profile jobs in the country because my wife doesn’t want to hire movers.”

/high fives Gene Smith

So I sat my family down and told it to them straight.  ”We’re a family that goes hard.  Fastest family in the country.  If you have a 4.6 family, you’re going to have the opportunity to win football games.  And I don’t care what you’ve done before, if you’re not the best mother or daughter for the job, you will be replaced.  This family isn’t in the business of giving a shit about feelings.”

There have been a lot of discussions about my health, and I just want to take this opportunity to tell you I’m healthier than I’ve ever been.  Ever.  In life.  In fact, I wasn’t even unhealthy to begin with…I just made that shit up because my recruits didn’t pan out and it was easier to let Addazio fall on the sword.  Truth be told, I thought the Notre Dame job was mine when Brian Kelly killed that kid, but Ohio State’s money is just as green, amirite?

/high fives Gene Smith

I grew up idolizing Woody Hayes, watching Ohio State football, rooting for Ohio State football every day except for those 60 minutes in Glendale where I went all Sandusky on ‘em.  But I’m not here because of football…I’m here to prove a point to my wife.  Didn’t know Dr. Domestic Dishwasher could diagnose my condition from the kitchen…who’s healthy now bitch?

I’d like to thank Luke Fickell for keeping the seat warm and he’ll be on our staff in a senior role.  He’ll play an important part in making sure that none of our kids open their fucking mouths about the envelopes of cash and free cars.

/high fives Gene Smith

Now, make no mistake, me getting hired isn’t about loyalty or state pride or dream jobs or any of that whimsical fairy tale bullshit…it’s about this God-damned arms race with the SEC.  I wasn’t hired because I was born in the state, I was hired because I’m the best available football coach money can buy, who recruits like a fucking madman by one of the few athletic departments that can afford my salary.

I wasn’t enjoying college football when I left Florida 10 months ago.  I didn’t like the environment.  But now, it’s much better.  How?  Well because Miami and Penn State did shit that was so vile that it made Ohio State look like choir boys in comparison.  Life’s all about striking while the iron’s hot.  Go hard.  4.6 second football team.

I’m excited to get started coaching this football team.  This is a perfect marriage and I know all about perfect marraiges, right honey?

/high fives Gene Smith

Located in Dyersville, Iowa, the National Farm Toy Museum is truly a marvel to behold. I stumbled upon the the museum while Google searching Hall of Fames for this series of posts. Now you may ask, “Roman, how is a farm toy museum a Hall of Fame, if there is not “Hall of Fame” in it’s name?” Well Stigs, our first ever inductee has it’s own Hall of Fame!

You can feel the history as you walk this strip mall store front and bask in the plaques of such great Farm Toy collectors like Wayne Cooper, Kate Bossen and Weldon Yoder. I, myself, have always been a Lyle Dingman fan and was touched to find his name in these hallowed halls.

I also am of the understanding that you can look at a bunch of toys that look like old farm equipment. If that is your thing, you will get goosebumps.

So, if you are in Dyersville and have $5 to spend*, head on down to the National Farm Toy Museum anytime between 8am – 6pm daily (unless it is New Year’s Day, Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas Day, then you are shit out of luck).

*10% AAA discount!

Conversely, how much more popular would Mark Sanchez be if he prayed and made a big deal about Jesus?

Thoughts? Oy.

Oh, and if Mark Sanchez were black…