Sorry for the lazy day, but you aint doin’ shit and neither are we.

As far as tonight’s tv listings, of course what most people will be watching is the NCAA tournament. Some people who are really into isolations and need to be told when to cheer will be watching NBA action. Still others will be spending time outside and doing outsidery things. Whatever you do, make sure you tell a loved how much you care. It’ll make their day.

After the jump, my fishing partner. Read the rest of this entry »

Good evening, friends of excellence. It’s been a glorious fucking day here at the fifth greatest internet website the world has ever known.  Spence and I dropped truth bombs all over your retarded asses and you’re better people because of it.  You’re welcome.

I mentioned it on the bat phone but I think you all should be included in the conversation: today and tomorrow are two of my favorite sports days of the year. I don’t even care if I miss the rest of the tourney but today and tomorrow are so much fun that it’s hard to even compare it to the rest. It just feels so egalitarian: anyone can win and oftentimes anyone does win. Upsets and Cindarella stories and last second shots and buzzer beaters and playing with everything on the line…this is what sports is all about. Having said that, I decided to do no research in filling out my brackets this year and I went all chalk across the board. It’s a social experiment. Trust me, it’ll make more sense when I win that dick towel.

It’s Mursday, and it fell on a Thursday this week so let’s find out what’s on TV! METAL! Read the rest of this entry »

What’s on tonight?

Texas @ Seattle 10pm MLBN

Chicago @ Anaheim 10pm NHLN

San Antonio @ Orlando 8pm ESPN

Milwaukee @ LA Clippers 1030pm ESPN

NIT – Weber State @ Cincy 7pm ESPN2

NIT – St Johns @ Memphis 9pm ESPN2 Read the rest of this entry »

Tomorrow is March 17th. You know what that means, right? It means it’s time to get drunk and fill out college basketball brackets.

Every year I seem to take the lead in my office by running the pool. It’s a tricky job because you never know who might not approve of office gambling. To avoid any hassles, we don’t play for money [as far as anyone knows who doesn't play]. So earlier this morning while preparing brackets for everyone, I managed to jam our office’s main printer. I was attempting to print off 30 brackets, but the printer jammed right in the beginning. So I opened up the main door on the printer and there were 2 printed brackets stuck inside different parts of the machine. You should have seen me frantically taking apart the whole thing. People kept walking by saying “Brian you alright?” as I was covered in black ink and there were printer parts lying all over the floor. I responded, “Brian, who the fuck is Brian?”

So like 5 minutes goes by and this guy walks up behind me wearing a Xerox shirt and he says “you didn’t try to print something on this machine, did you?” and I said “yeah” and he said “well the [xerox printer part that I can't recall right now] isn’t working so it keeps jamming so I’m replacing it now” and I said “oh I’m sorry, do your thing”.

Now I was nervous because I didn’t get a chance to cancel my job, so I knew there were like 27 or 28 brackets just waiting to be printed as soon as this guy fixed whatever it was that needed fixing. So he replaced the part, and sure enough, here they came. He looked at them and said “are these yours?” and I said “uh, is it an expense report?” and he said “no they’re college basketball brackets” and I said “hmmm, no those aren’t mine”.

Then he left and I grabbed them.

March Madness indeed.

Some television for you: Read the rest of this entry »

Usually in this space on Mondays, I like to list things.

However, there will be a departure this week in order to further wax eloquent regarding The Man. The man who named a mixture of iced tea and lemonade after himself…and nobody complained.  The man who could (and should) wear a nametag around that says “Your Dad,” because he is.  There’s a reason they call him the King and a reason why, despite a small handful of other golfers with better resumes, Arnold Palmer is still revered in the sporting world to this day as one of the true icons.

A lot of that came with his success, his charm and his looks, but the reason people love Arnold Palmer is because, simply, he’s the blue collar, greenskeeper’s son who was the bridge across the moat the fiscally elite built to protect their precious, exclusionary sport.  He’s the everyman who treated everyone like they were a dear personal friend.  People admire Jack Nicklaus, Bobby Jones and Ben Hogan.  People love Arnold Palmer.  And Arnie loves them back.

And while we’ve chronicled his strong pimp hand a few other times around these parts, today, we’re going to highlight one of the more entertaining, and most recent, stories…the one where Arnold Palmer tears into Fat Ben Roethlisberger, that ungrateful fat fuck, in public at a country club.

You know you wanna read more.  Bump it for the rest. Read the rest of this entry »

HOOOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Tis time for all of us to watch CBS and rejoice as a bunch of colleges are put into different Bracket slots to play in a tournament for an NCAA Championship and more importantly our office pools. I can’t wait to fill out 15 different brackets with 15 different scenarios and then pick out of a hat and get St. Mary’s or Cornell to win it all.  It is as American as defaulting on your mortgage. After that is all said and done and Dick Vitale is done bitching how School A should be in but won’t tell you who should be out instead, turn on HBO for the premier of the 10 part miniseries The Pacific. It is made by the same people who made Band of Brothers (Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg and company) and if it is even half as good as that then we should be very happy.

What’s up, Fags? And by “Fags”, I mean “Cigarettes”. And by “Cigarettes”, I mean ”People Who Like Penis In Their Butt”. I hope you all had a wonderful Friday. Actually I don’t really give a shit. Let’s be honest, I don’t know you and you don’t know me.

I’m sorry I don’t mean that. I’m just really tired. To be quite honest, I’m actually quite fond of you. And by “fond”, I mean “hate”. And by “hate”, I mean “like”. Yep, I’m actually quite like of you. This isn’t really making any sense, is it? That’s okay though; I’m trying to multi-task. That bullshit issue I was working on all day yesterday ended up coming back again today, which proves once and for all that I really suck at my job and should probably be fired. I haven’t eaten a real meal since Wednesday night and I haven’t had any good sleep since Wednesday morning. I’m seriously ready to punch a baby right now. And I don’t mean it like when someone says it as a joke. I mean literally, if a baby were sitting next to me, I would punch it in the throat. I swear to God if this issue continues into tomorrow when I’m scheduled to piss myself at a local watering hole in celebration of my patron Saint, I’m gonna go apeshit. And by “go apeshit”, I mean “suck it up like the wuss that I am and miss out on all the fun”. FML.

Some TV rec’s after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

If you’ll allow me, I’d like to take a minute to praise my favorite sports blog. I’m talking about a sports blog that has devoted itself time and again to providing nothing but quality over and over and over again. A sports blog that would rather alienate even its most loyal readers by writing absolutely nothing of relevance on a day like today while the writers instead bickered in public about how gay a certain athlete is. A sports blog that consistently takes shots at its readership, mocks its sponsors, and invents lie after lie to support whatever ridiculous theory its pushing on a certain day. Ladies and gentleman, that sports blog…is us. That’s right. Major League Jerk is my favorite sports blog. Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hef, way to pick the obvious one. MLJ is your favorite because it’s the best!” Gentle reader, no. I mean yes. You’re right. It was an obvious choice. I mean who else was I going to pick? A site that plans their posts in advance instead of waiting to the last minute which means that they’ll have nothing if they have to get work done at their paying job? Give me a break.

Hey what’s on TV tonight? Read the rest of this entry »

I was walking home from the bar the other night. About an 8 out of 10 on the drunk scale. Wearing my earbuds for my imitation i-Pod and rockin out to some Pearl Jam, NIN and Days of the New. A couple people of another race walk by and bump my shoulder, rather non-chalantly. I refuse to even acknowledge, for fear I lose my teef and have to explain to friends that I write for a site called Mayor Weague Yerk. Anyhow, a few minutes go by, and out of the corner of my eye, I see some movement through the bushes. I remove an earbud, and hear some rustling. “Shit”, I think to myself. I gotta get moving. Cut through a couple houses, hop a fence or two (OK, I opened the gates rather quickly). Then I end up on a street I’m not familiar with. Walk through a hole in a fence and end up on the train tracks. Whew, I know where I am now. This is where the homeless defecate and have their Amazon orders sent (Free Wifi). I start to walk briskly when something jumps out and tackles me. We wrestle for a while [*perks*-Hef]. Finally, he gets the best of me. With my last breath, I squeak out, “What do you want from me?” He says… Read the rest of this entry »

Today turned out to be a pretty good day at MLJ, I must say. Spencer taught us whether an NFL free agent signing was bad or really bad, Happy taught us that fans of their AL Central foes are giddy about the Twins’ Joe Nathan possibly missing the year, Hef hipped us up to some gossipy stuff that he swore he was too good for, as well as teaching us that the Arizona Cardinals will probably be okay due to playing in the worst division in professional sports. Also, there was a fantasy baseball update and stuff, of which I don’t give a shit because I’m taking the year off.

Lotsa shit on the tube tonight:

• American Idol (FOX)
• Lost (ABC)
• Parenthood (NBC) [I watched the original and it was a little syrupy for my taste, but I'll give anything with Craig T. Nelson a second chance]
• A couple of mid-major finals on the ESPNs

On the NBA sked:

• Heat at Bobcats
• Sixers at Pacers
• Rockets at Bullets
• Clip Show at Magic
• Jazz at Bulls
• Celtics at Bucks
• Kings at Blazers
• Raptors at Lakers

Have yourself a glorious evening. It’s currently 80 and sunny right now, so I’m gonna go play outside. Holla at your boy and don’t forget to give a loved one a hug and a kiss.