I’m sitting in the drive-thru line at Dunkin Donuts. I notice that the lady in the car directly in front of me is not moving up with the rest of the line. We have reached the point where there’s a noticeable gap between her car and the car in front of hers.

Now there’s a guy in line behind me, so we’re approaching the time when I’m going to have to make a decision here. Do I honk the horn to get her to pay attention? Do I get aggressive and simply go around her? Or do I continue to sit there and hope she wakes up?

The guy behind me honks his horn. Hey, even better. Let him be the pushy asshole.

Uh oh, she still didn’t move.

I peek in my rearview; the guy behind me is about to have a heart attack. I don’t want him to go around both of us, so I DEFINITELY have to make a decision here.

I start to pull around her. The guy behind me starts to do the same thing at the same time. He slams on his brakes, as do I. I look in my rearview again; now he’s mad at me. What did I do? Ha, his arms are really flailing. He must need coffee.

Thank goodness, she’s finally moving up. And not a moment too soon either because the heart attack guy is ready to kill someone.

Wait, what is she doing now? She’s never going to be able to reach the window from over there.

Holy fucking shit, that is brilliant. Her car door just opened. She’s getting out. She’s walking over to the window to get her donut. Oh my.

Finally, my turn. I get my coffee. I leave.

Now I’m behind this lady at the stop light. I wonder if this is the end of the story.

Nope.

The light is green now, she doesn’t move. She’s fucking with me, right? There’s no way she could possibly be this dumb.

I go around her. I give her a look as I pass, one that says “what the fuck, you crazy bitch?” She’s not even on the phone. She doesn’t acknowledge me. She is completely oblivious. I notice that her car has many dents and scratches. Shocker. Luckily, my office is only a couple blocks away.

Finally, I’m at work. Unbelievably, this lady has caught up to me. Wait!!!! What is she doing? Is she tormenting me? Is she following me?

Oh no, she works in my building.

We actually got on the elevator at the same time. She was holding her donut bag. She works on the 5th floor. Go figure.

A South Carolina Man loses a part of his arm to an Alligator.

The man, who is in his 70s, was retrieving his ball from a pond when the 10-foot alligator bit him at Ocean Creek Golf Course in Beaufort County. The gator pulled the golfer into the pond and ripped off his arm in the struggle. His golf partners were able to free him.

Wildlife workers killed the alligator and retrieved the arm in the hopes it might be reattached.

Way to kill an Alligator for doing what an Alligator does. I hope the golfer gets his half digested arm back.

Spencer be careful out there.

I was watching The State last night and they had a great skit that I forgot about where mock Dan Cortese was fucking with a Spencer-type fuddy-duddy on a golf course. Thanks to the MTV video Nazis, I couldn’t find that particular skit, but I’m glad it brought me back to a simpler time before the X-Games and the Tony Hawk Slamma Jamma or whatever it’s called.

Back when there wasn’t all of that manufactured x-tremeness, we had MTV Sports hosted by the indefatigable Dan Cortese. Winner of multiple Emmys, Grammys, Oscars and Cable Ace awards, it was a show that helped all of Middle America realize just how uncool we were, what with our not wearing do-rags or lack of inline skating skillz. If you weren’t up on your hacky sack or your motocross polo, then Dan would give you a primer on how to be cool. Another of the niche sports he hipped us up to was Freestyle Frisbee.

I can’t even explain the craziness that goes on in Freestyle Frisbee – you’ll have to check it out yourself. Behold the greatness of Rick “Casio” Castaglia and Amy “Dude” Bekken: Read the rest of this entry »

Stand tall, Old Girl. You're witnessing greatness

Did you know that a certain Major League Baseball team is currently riding an 11 game winning streak? I’ll answer that question for you. No, you did not know that. The fact is, you’ve been too busy selfishly keeping track of the daily goings-on of more popular teams. More popular teams that, incidentally, have not won 11 games in a row.

So, can you guess which team I’m talking about that’s on an 11-game winning streak? Is it the Giants? No it’s not. But I’ll give you a hint. This mystery team is in the National League.

The Marlins?

No again.

The Mariners?

No silly, they’re not even in the NL. What are you, fucking retarded? Do you even like baseball? Keep guessing.

Is it the Astros?

No but you’re getting closer.

Wait, how am I getting closer?

Well the Astros have recently lost a World Series.

Oh, so you’re saying this team also recently lost a World Series?

Precisely.

Ok, is it the Tigers?

I really hate you. No, the answer is the Colorado Rockies.

The Colorado Rockies? They’re still in the league?

Read the rest of this entry »

Scene: A Big Boy Restaurant off I-94 in Kalamazoo. Chicago enters the restaurant and notices that Detroit is there sitting at a corner booth. Chicago goes over and sits down. Read the rest of this entry »

Ladies and gentlemen, your Global Leaders!

“No more cricket. I’m not signing to play cricket. Well, I can be a free agent after this year, so we’ll see. But don’t ask me about cricket.” -Manny Ramirez Read the rest of this entry »

The cat's name is Skittles

By the time you read this (I put it together early this morning, but when you’re the new guy, you tend to get relegated to the 4 o’clock hour. Plus this is pretty mindless and stupid), there is a chance that you will have already been told by someone else earlier today to go to Skittles.com. That’s usually what happens when something hits the information superinterstate; someone sends you a link, you click on it, then you forward it on until everyone and their grandmother has seen it and forwarded it. But in the off-chance that you have not yet clicked on that link, do me a favor and click on it. I’ll hang up and listen to your comments after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

A real picture of Happy

The pizza place by my work has a [buy1 get 1 free] pizza-by-the-slice deal for High School students. During my lunch break earlier today, I walked in with a group of students and I got the deal. I felt pretty good about it. The extra piece was wasted on me though. My face may pass for 18 under the right circumstances, but my body knows better.

“Fuck you, Mr. 29-Year-Old. Don’t even act like you’re gonna eat that other piece. You wanna fall asleep at your desk later? I can make you. I can also ruin your dinner. Don’t even cross me you cocksucker.”

Yeah my body talks to me like a bastard sometimes. Read the rest of this entry »

My new favorite commercial.  Sorry for wasting your time.