I present to you now an unfunny and satirical look at a recent conversation between Chicago Bears’ President Ted Phillips and GM Jerry Angelo.

Ted Phillips: So what’s our offseason plan gonna be?

Jerry Angelo: Well we don’t have a draft pick until the 3rd round, so we’ll have to make our improvements in free agency.

Ted Phillips: That could get expensive.

Jerry Angelo: So?

Ted Phillips: Well I’m just sayin’, that’s not the most cost-effective way to improve. Also, making the biggest splash in free agency doesn’t always bring the best results. Just look at the Redskins.

Jerry Angelo: Fuck the Redskins. The problem with them is that they usually grab the top guy, but then they stop there.

Ted Phillips: So what’s OUR plan?

Jerry Angelo: To get ‘em all.

Ted Phillips: All what?

Jerry Angelo: All the free agents.

Ted Phillips: I’m not following.

Jerry Angelo: We need a pass rusher, so we’ll get Julius Peppers. We need a running back, so we’ll get Chester Taylor. We need a TE, so we’ll get that guy from San Diego whose name I can’t pronounce. Then we’ll make a few trades and bam, we got ourselves a team.

Ted Phillips: That’s going to cost a fortune. If it doesn’t work, we’re all fired.

Jerry Angelo: I think we’re all fired anyway.

Ted Phillips: Touche’

Fin

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to spend a little bit of time right now making fun of some local sports radio guys in Chicago, which I admit is a little bit like making fun of a retard. Or a sports blogger. But ever since Jake Peavy announced to anyone who would listen that he had a discussion with White Sox GM Kenny Williams about the possibility of acquiring Adrian Gonzalez from the Padres, every single sports radio show in Chicago has spent the last few days “analyzing” (and I use that term loosely) what it would take to make a trade like that happen. The common theme amongst the radio masses seems to be the following: you do whatever it takes. Okay let’s start with that.

Doing whatever it takes: I can’t think of any circumstance where it would be a good idea to “do whatever it takes” in order to accomplish something, but in the context of a baseball trade, the notion is fucking moronic. There are too many moveable parts and scenarios to throw out a term that really doesn’t mean anything. Let’s put it this way. Adrian Gonzalez is on a team that finishes last every year. So without discussing which parts get moved, using a term like “doing whatever it takes” is not helpful. Okay then, so what would it take for this deal to happen? Well these same radio people have thrown around a laundry list of names that would probably be required on the White Sox side, but the common name that everyone has mentioned is Gordon Beckham, and that’s at the very least. So would it make sense for the White Sox to include Gordon Beckham in a trade for Adrian Gonzalez? Read the rest of this entry »

Brad Bergesen: I guess I’m just not sure what you’re trying to accomplish.

Director: Oh I’m sorry. Are you the director? Is that your chair over there that says “Director” on it?

Brad Bergesen: No it’s not that. It’s just that it’s still only December. Spring training is 2 months away.

Director: Uh huh.

Brad Bergesen: Right…so should I really be doing this? I mean it doesn’t seem like a good idea to have me throw fastballs over and over again as hard as I can, especially now since I’m coming off an injury and I haven’t thrown a baseball in like 4 months.

Director: Is that right? Yeah maybe you have a point. Oh wait, I just remembered something…you’re the ballplayer and I’m the director. Yeah I suppose maybe I should listen to your advice on how to shoot a television commercial.

Brad Bergesen: No it’s not that. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, it’s just…

Director: Oh you’re not? Okay good ’cause for a minute there, that’s EXACTLY what it seemed like you were doing. Can I get quiet on the set please? Holy mother of God I’m tired of working with amateurs. And Wieters, if I see you get up from that crouch before I tell you to one more time, I’m gonna stick my foot up your ass.

Matt Wieters: But my legs are getting really sore.

Director: Fucking pansies. Can I get a take please?!?!?

[Brad Bergesen throwing a baseball as hard as he can in mid-December despite being out of shape, take 94]

Director: And ACTION!!!!!!!!

Fin

In the last year, the Yankees have gone out and acquired such players as CC Sabathia, Nick Swisher, Wade Boggs, A.J. Burnett, Curtis Granderson, Mark Teixeira, and Javier Vazquez. And that’s just who I can think of off the top of my head without looking it up*. Within that timeframe, they’ve also managed to win a World Series title. You’d think after all that, they’d rest on their laurels, whatever the fuck that means. But no, not these guys. For today, they’ve gone out and trumped everything they’ve done in the last year by announcing the signing of America’s greatest living ballplayer, Mr. Marcus Thames.

According to Jon Heyman’s twitter, it’s a minor league deal worth $900,000 if he makes the team. If he makes the team? Pffft. That 900k is as good a guarantee as you’ll see in this world. The rest of the American League can pack up their shit, I guess.

* They may or may not have acquired Wade Boggs

Dear Brittany Murphy,

Thank you for dying. I owe you. Well, I guess that isn’t possible. Thanks anyway.

Your pal,

Tiger Read the rest of this entry »

FOLKS, ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OF ALL TIME IS “ASSHOLE”, BY DENIS LEARY. IN THE SPIRIT AND MELODY OF THAT SONG, I’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU NOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME TO BE ABLE TO TAKE OVER FOR A GUY LIKE STEVE CZABAN ON THE RADIO. THIS IS A SONG ABOUT THE AMERICAN DREAM. ABOUT MY AMERICAN DREAM. ABOUT THAT SPECIAL FEELING I GET WHEN I’M YELLING AT PEOPLE AND CAUSING THEIR EARS TO BLEED. ABOUT THAT FEELING WE ALL GET WHEN I’M DISCUSSING THE KNICKS BEING ON THE CLOCK LATE IN THE FIRST ROUND AND QUITE FRANKLY, YOU JUST CAN’T STOP ME.

I’m just as good as a pill, when you’re not feeling well.
I compare myself to the great, Howard Cosell.
I like basketball and politics and football and such.
Isiah and Obama and Brady ’cause he’s clutch.
My wife and my job, Rosa Parks and my car.
Hangin’ out with MJ, and a big fat cigar.

But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested.
No way.
No, I’ve gotta go out and have fun at everyone else’s expense.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I’m gonna scream really loud, and yell at my peers,
As people in their cars will bleed from their ears.

I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.

My football advice makes me sound like a clown,
Like kicking a field goal when it’s only third down.

I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.

Sometimes I go off on intelligible rants,
While wiping my cheese doodle fingers on my pants.

I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.

Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song,
Ranting and raving and carrying on.
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…

NAAAAH!

I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.

YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA DO? I’M GONNA SHARE MY THOUGHTS ABOUT SPORTS TALK RADIO. YEAH YOU HEARD ME, I SAID SPORTS TALK RADIO. I’M REPLACING A LEGEND IN STEVE CZABAN, BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE THE BASKETBALL KNOWLEDGE OF A GUY LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M A PROFESSIONAL. AHEM, I MEAN A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL. WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS TALK RADIO BUSINESS, WHAT’S DANGEROUS ABOUT IT IS THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE CLEARLY UNQUALIFIED GET TO DISEMIN….DISSEM…..DISASSEMBLINATE THEIR THOUGHTS TO THE MASSES. THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS PEOPLE WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OF SPORTS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY KIND OF FORMAT TO DISASSEMBLINATE TO THE MASSES TO THE LEVEL WHICH THEY CAN. THEY ARE NOT TRAINED. LIKE I AM. I AM TRAINED. I DESERVE MY VOICE TO BE HEARD ON THE RADIO. AND QUITE FRANKLY, THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET. AND I’M GONNA DO IT LOUDLY. AND YOU KNOW WHY?

Cause I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.

A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S-H-O L-E
SLA, VA MED, VA DANK, OH OH
Thoomph A-thoom-thoom, A-thoom-thoom, A-thoom-thoom.
Oooooooo

I’M AN ASSHOLE AND I’M PROUD OF IT.

Major League Jerk has learned that [Happy’s favorite team] has had preliminary discussions with [some other team] on a potential deal which would involve [an overpriced veteran on Happy’s favorite team, B-level prospects on Happy’s favorite team that Happy wouldn’t mind trading away, and the other team’s All-Star 1st baseman who plays gold glove defense].

MLJ is not aware of the specifics of the trade (ie, names of prospects and exact details as to how many prospects, etc) but the discussions are built on [Happy’s favorite team] sending [over-priced veteran] and prospects to [other team] in-return for [All-Star].

We want to re-iterate that our sources, which we consider to be [prominent commenters on Happy's favorite team's Internet message board], have indicated that the teams have had preliminary discussions. In no way, shape, or form are we reporting this as a done deal or a close to done deal.

MLJ’s 1 Happy St Speculates on the trade:
Why [my favorite team] does it?

A deal which would land [All Star] without giving up [any good players on my favorite team] would have to be looked at as a major coup for [my team’s GM]. [All Star] would provide [my favorite team] with a proven MVP candidate and their best offensive player since [my team’s previous best offensive player]. A deal involving [my favorite team’s overpriced veteran and my favorite team’s B-level prospects] for [All Star] would leave the club with holes, but by moving [overpriced veteran], the club would have most of the financial resources it needs to fill its remaining holes. Combine [All Star] with [my team’s best players] and you are talking about a team with the core parts to not only contend for the World Series, but win it.

Final Take:
While this deal is not imminent, it is clear that [Happy’s favorite team] not only has a need for [All Star], but also the pieces to obtain him. What the ultimate package would be is un-clear, but most of the theoretical packages would provide [Happy’s favorite team] with the middle of the order bat that could put the club over the top.

Post inspired by these jokers.

Carlos Mencia is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious in that comedy special where he came up with all that original material that was totally originally created by him. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So today he picks his three NFL locks that he chose without consulting anyone else.

(Home team in CAPS)

COLTS (-3) over Patriots :  [Popeye voice] “Oh, Brady will need to eat more Spinach than ever! Uh, cuh cuh cuh cuh cuh! [/Popeye voice]

Vikings over LIONS (+17): Ooo, you Detroit Ryans, you guys so rayzey. You need job. You no beat no good team awe year.

Eagles (+2) over the CHARGERS. “Hickory Dickory Dock. An eagle pooped on me once. OHHHH!!!”

I know you’re only allowed 3 picks but I just wrote a joke about 7 words you’re not allowed to say on television.  Oh, and why isn’t the entire plane made out of the Black Box?

Carlos will be performing at a comedy club somewhere at some time in the near future or something. You can also see him on reruns on Comedy Central I think.

According to reliable sources, the idea of throwing the football is dead. Apparently, according to facts and science, a bunch of teams who scored a lot of points by throwing the football last year aren’t this year. Even though a bunch still are. To back up this study, a large* sample size of coaches were asked about this. Read the rest of this entry »

Margaret Cho is one of our favorite comedians. She was (probably) hilarious in that comedy special where she talked about being a woman and being Asian. We spoke to her a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of her greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, she’ll pick three NFL locks.

(Home team in CAPS)

BRONCOS over Steelers (+3): I hate most men, but especially one’s who [allegedly] rape women.

SEAHAWKS over Lions (-10): Ooo, you Detroit Ryans, you guys so rayzey. You need job. You no beat no good team awe year.

Panthers over SAINTS (+13.5): Because I will be GLAAD when the Saints finally lose. Read the rest of this entry »