Finally, this shit show is coming to an end. Last week, I won 10 games but some asshole won the week with 11. I would have won but I, along with everyone else, picked Brett Fucking Favre in the cold. Fuck that old attention whore. Anywho, this week the guy who makes the sheets came into my office and had this conversation.

Guy who Makes the Sheets: Hey Roman!

RomanWarHelmet: Hey.

GWMTS: Ummm. Most of the games this week don’t have a line from Vegas and since we are off Thursday and Friday I am just going to make up the spreads.

RWH: OK. [glares]

GWMTS: Please don’t fire me.

RWH: I make no promises.

So as you can see, all the spreads I have this week are shit. They are made up of fake spreads. So I know the questions will all be where I got them. I got them from a Jet fan who works in my warehouse. As we all know, Jet fans suck. Enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »

Merry Christmas, fucktards. I only have two more of these left and I thank the new born baby LeBron that this is so. I have never embarrassed myself this badly in public. That statement includes me silencing an entire bar during the 2000 NLDS when I screamed at the TV, “If you squeezed my dick the way would are squeezing the strike zone, I would cum all over your face!” Needless to say, this season is truly embarrassing. Since I heard that Triston is working today, I figured I would give a half-assed effort and let him chuckle over my future misfortune. Then I saw Spencer gave us a class A effort on Christmas Eve and I thought, maybe I should as well. Then I realized the I don’t like Triston that much so half-assed it is. With that clarified, here are the picks to fingerbang your sister to. Read the rest of this entry »

Hey! Last week was huge for your old pal Roman. After winning only two games Week 13, I came back and totally redeemed myself. 5 wins! That is a 150% improvement. That is going to look great on the old P&L. Anywho, I don’t know what else I can possibly tell you to make you feel that this is my week. I can only say that the odds are in my favor for improvement. So think about that when you pick against me. Here are my picks to pierce your cock to: Read the rest of this entry »

For those of you who missed my Sunday posting of the picks last week, you’re welcome. I picked 2 games correctly. 2. Two. Two rat fucking motherfucking cocksucking shitstaining cumgargling games. I didn’t know it was even possible to be that fucking wrong about anything ever.  Really, it is embarrassing. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Well, I do know. Hef. You see, that shithole hammerer wants us to be “productive” and to “write something. Anything”. With those demands you are pressed to write a post a week on a Friday when no one cares. I do these things for the betterment of Hef’s wallet. These ads must be generating millions of dollars. I have seen like $1 of it (via Paypal) and that was to buy a clue.  So I implore you to not bother using my picks for gambling purposes. Use them for what they are, a cruel joke on me and my income. Enjoy the horseshit. Read the rest of this entry »

Some of You want to know what happened to my Correct Predictions of the Future this week. Well, I have been busy. You see, I am an important man down at the old Cracker Factory and I am involved in some huge project that has us bringing in all of the people we buy stuff from to rebid what we buy. That involved me sitting in 3-4 meetings a day and then doing my regular work. I have two more weeks of this. The last thing I really want to do is more shit at home. I love you all but only so much. So this week I am just giving you my picks here. It should give you enough time to call your bookie and change anything that may match one of my picks because Lebron knows how terrible my picks have been. I already lost Thursday so without further ado, my shitfest. Read the rest of this entry »

My Thanksgiving night could not have been more vomit inducing. Not only did the Giants get ass raped with a rusty spike, it also ruined a hell of a gambling day for me. Fuck them straight to holy hell. Really, I hate them for sucking so much. What the fuck happened? All of a sudden David Diehl and his adequacy at Left Tackle is no longer useful on run blocking. Rich Seubert is all kinds of teh suck. The loss of Michael Matthews as a blocking Tight End is glaring. Darcy Johnson blows. I love Kevin Boss but blocking is not his strong suit. Kevin Gilbride never runs to the right or up the gut which is pathetic since Shaun O’Hara and Chris Snee are fucking monsters who should provide a hole. The take a power runner in Brandon Jacobs and have him run off the edge which is flat out retarded. They throw all over the place because they are now a passing team but can’t adjust when they are getting locked down on man coverage. I watched the Broncos throw over the middle and in the flat to tight ends and backs all night, why can’t the Giants? It would only make sense to throw the ball to Kevin Boss as opposed to having wide outs run slants all over the field and hope to break free from Champ Fucking Bailey and Brian Rat Fucking Headhunting Dawkins. I hate Kevin Gilbride. He draws up great plays but doesn’t know how to call them or at least adjust to what is actually happening on the field. Read the rest of this entry »

I decided to leave my daughter out of it this week. She already ruined it for enough of you and I like her so I don’t want her dead. I decided if this ship is sinking, it be sinking with me on it. There are only two things I am certain of for tomorrow. One, I will not suffer from a Gastritis attack after stuffing myself since I had my Gall Bladder removed two years ago. Two, my ass will be in front of my TV for the Giants game at 8:20 U.S Standard time. I actually had a ticket to this game. My sister in law bought two and invited me. The only problem is she and the game are in Denver and I wasn’t flying out tonight to go for two days and then come home. Not for a cool grand to fly three of us. So to my sister in law, enjoy the game. Read the rest of this entry »

I give up. Really, if there was anyone more medicore and inept at picking the winners of professional football contests with a point spread I would love to know who it is. Considering I am now fully committed to filling this space every Friday I have decided to go the route of other great bloggers and have others pick my games for me. No, I am not in with Margaret Cho or Dave Coulier or Happy’s friend Brian so I had to go in house for my new prognosticator. This person is so pure that prejudice and bias have not played a part in these picks. This person is my 22 month old daughter, RamonaWarHelmet. Read the rest of this entry »

Holy fucking balls I am terrible at picking games. Really. The past few years in my Football game picking pool that involved no money being transacted*, I won many many points and used said points to get things that I would not have otherwise gotten due to lack of extra points. Well, fuckass over here decided that I needed to share my amazing with the Universe. It started well and has crashed and burned like the fucking Hindenberg.** So here is my advice, take my picks and do the exact opposite. My buddy Monkeykong has done that and is beating my ass in a pool of picking football games for no money*** that we are in together. So I think everyone should do what Monkeykong does. Every one of you. Do it. Here are my picks that fuck little boys with spiked dildos. Read the rest of this entry »

At this point I am writing this in an undisclosed location.  My friend, Vito, is looking for me and right now I don’t want to be found. But I know this week I have all the answers. Before we get to the picks that you stranglebait to, here was a letter from a reader. It was sent at 4:15 Sunday afternoon. Read the rest of this entry »