Eagles 25, Cardinals 32: After jumping out to 24-6 halftime lead, the Cardinals laid down a little bit and let the Eagles think they were on the verge of some kind of epic comeback. But it was all for naught as Arizona had a beautiful seven minute drive in the 4th quarter that pretty much iced the game. You already had the feeling that Mr. Vomit wasn’t gonna do it this time, and he pulled through.

The real story of the postseason is the emergence of Larry Fitzgerald as perhaps the top wide receiver in the game right now. He had a monster game yesterday, catching 9 balls for 152 yards and scoring 3 touchdowns. Supposedly this locks up a Hall of Fame induction for Kurt Warner, but who gives a shit about that? Canton sucks anyway. Read the rest of this entry »

Aberration – ab·er·ra·tion n.

1. A deviation from the proper or expected course.
2. A departure from the normal or typical

ex. The Giants winning the Super Bowl last year was a complete aberration.

Eagles 23, Giants 11: First of all, I want to apologize. I had the Eagles winning in all of my predictions, but really and truly I thought the game would be much closer than it was. It was my fault for thinking that the team from Jersey would be able to score an offensive touchdown. As it was, the only thing offensive about the Giants was the play of Pro Bowlers Eli Manning and John Carney. Hmm, I guess they’ll be able to enjoy their time in Hawai’i, after all. Read the rest of this entry »

Saturday was a great day of football. I went to my parents’ house to watch the San Diego/Indy game and it was great to finally realize that my Dad hates Peyton Manning as much as I do. You might recall that I was one of the only people on God’s green Earth to call San Diego’s victory over Indy. I’m not one to brag, but maybe I am the greatest person in the history of ever.

Yesterday, however, I didn’t get to watch as much NFL. The wife was on my ass about folding laundry and cleaning house and since my daughter is so damn cute, I thought I would oblige. So I helped out a little bit and then later on I grilled some kick ass pork chops from Costco using the Rudy’s rub. Pretty good day. The games figured to be blowouts anyway, right? Let’s see what happened: Read the rest of this entry »

Agony. Despair. Disrepute. Disgrace. Anger. Sadness. Shame. Fat. Stank. Ugly. Bad Haircut. Crying. Confused.

This is all of the stuff that I felt after watching the worst professional athletic display in the 30 year history of me being a sports fan. I don’t even know how I could talk about that game without my mouth becoming a rabid froth and me pulling out clumps of my hair. In fact, I won’t. I can’t. I’ve blacked out. I don’t remember anything about the game. I think there were a few fumbles, maybe some missed tackles. I don’t know. Who gives a shit?

I can’t think of anything more humiliating than being debacled like that when the whole nation is watching. Dammit, fuck me. Fuck Romo. Fuck Wade Phillips. Fuck Jerry Jones. Fuck Jason Garrett. Fuck Adam Jones. Roy Williams played like fecal matter. Owens and Witten were the only ones that seemed liked they were even trying.

Congrats to the Eagles for their dominance in that game. They’ll take care of the Vikings pretty easily and then beat the Giants again in Jersey with nary a problem. If I were them, I’d concentrate on game planning for the Falcons or Panthers.

To hell with the scores, I’m sure you already know who won. Here are your playoff pairings. Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning all.  With Clown pulling up lame half way through the morning, I took it upon myself to finish the work that his lazy ass was unable to complete.  You see, he’s a man without a work ethic.  A man without honor.  A man without a penis.  I’m not afraid to say it…I’m pretty sure Clown is a woman.

At any rate, there were a ton of important games yesterday.  Feel free to use the word “fraud” as liberally as possible.  Like I did in the picture here.  Nice work, huh?  Read the rest of this entry »

Giants 8, Cowboys 20: Last night’s football game between the Jortsey Flukeball Giants and the 5-time Super Bowl Champion America’s Team Dallas Cowboys was very satisfying on many personal levels. First of all, it was nice to see Tony Romo torch the Giants to the tune of 20-30 for 244 yards and 2 TDs. That the Giants got away with multiple late hits and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties on Romo will probably be something that the commissioner will have to address at another time. It was great to see on Yahoo!’s box score page that Derrick Ward was New Jersey’s “top performer” with 14 carries for 64 yards. Ha! It was great to see the Giants being shut out with no offensive touchdowns and Dallas setting a world record* with 8 sacks. DeMarcus Ware had 3 sacks to up in season total to 19 and he definitely has the NFL record in his sights. What’s great about Ware is that he isn’t ghey and had buttsecks with someone from Mississippi, so he won’t be given the record in a fraudlike manner. Read the rest of this entry »

Maybe one of the worst football weekends in recent history at the clown household, as the Longhorns got hosed out of a BCS title game and has to play their bowl game against a mid-major and the Cowboys collapsed in remarkable fashion against a team that has Ben Roethlisberger as their QB. Oh well, at least Manny Pacquiao won that joke of a boxing match. Really, Oscar was in a no-win situation. If he won, it was because he was so much naturally bigger than Manny, and if he lost it would probably ruin any future bouts and paydays. Well, Oscar definitely picked the worst of the outcomes. I’ll be surprised if he decides to fight again, unless it was some kind of “career redemption” match against Cotto or Margarito, in which case I’ll be afraid for his life and I will light a candle for him at the local Church. Read the rest of this entry »

I only caught glimpses of the NFL yesterday. For some reason, my local station was showing the Browns shit the bed against the Colts and the paltry 3-time champion Jersey Fagball Giants against the Redskins. That’s some boring football right there, uknowhutimsayin? Still, I was tuning in and out to these crappy games when I noticed that the Redskins had put a #21 in the middle of FedEx Field. Now, I don’t know much about the Redskins organization and their racist ways, but I thought it was a very magnanimous gesture for them to honor Deion Sanders in that way. Sure, he only played one year for the ‘Skins, but who am I to say that he didn’t do a lot for the community or helped out at a nearby soup kitchen or something meaningful like that? Hell, even Clinton Portis came out with a flag bearing Sanders’ number before the game. Didn’t Portis go to Thug U and Neion Deion went to Florida State? It’s a testament to how much the Hall of Fame cornerback touched Portis’ life that he can set aside their college rivalry to honor Sanders like that.

(Pulls kleenex out, dabs eyes)

Some pro football from yesterday: Read the rest of this entry »

Packers 29, Saints 51: It’s a shame Drew Brees isn’t taller. I mean, sure, he’s OK for a short dude playing QB, but just imagine what his 20/26 for 323 and 4 TD’s would be if he was 6′5”. How can you take him seriosuly at 6′? I know I can’t. Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning, friends of excellence.  Sorry for the Monday morning shock but there will be no Clown today, only your fearless leader.  I’m sorry if that offends your weekday sensibilities but there’s nothing we can do.  You see, Clown decided to take a daylong “siesta” or whatever the hell his people call it.  He’s celebrating the collapse of our great nation as it transforms from a god loving capitolist state into a socialist nation that relies only on the great satan.  

At any rate, I had a great weekend.  I drank a lot, went to the zoo, and napped like a baby.  It’s funny, I used to be such a busy body on the weekends.  I couldn’t stand sitting still; I always needed a project to keep me busy.  But now I’m an old man and all I want is a cold beer and a sporting event of some kind (so long as it’s not soccer or chick sports).  Is this a common transformation?  Or am I just a lazy asshole?  Feel free to weigh in.

Lots of sports yesterday.  Lots and lots.  Let’s see what mattered and what didn’t.  We’re that powerful now.  Did you know that?  We determine what has value and what doesn’t.  Our egos are through the roof these days. Read the rest of this entry »