Good morning, my lovelies. As I type this, I’m sitting on a conference call working on an issue for my other lower-paying gig. It’s currently 11:02pm CT and I’ve been on this call for nearly 24 hours now. I can’t even begin to tell you how much bullshit I’ve sat through, and there’d be absolutely no way for me to convey how tired I am. I haven’t been asleep since Wednesday morning. When the wife got home from work today at around 4, she walked into my office, high-fived me, and then left. I haven’t seen her since. I think she’s in bed right now.

So as you can imagine I don’t really know what happened in the world of sports. I see that the Bulls lost to the Magic by a couple hundred or so and Derrick Rose only played 12 minutes, but I have no idea why. Did he get another cheap shot by Dwight? I’m not sure, but it’s certainly possible.

Anyway, I’m sorry for keeping this short, but as soon as this busted issue is resolved, I’m going to bed for like a day or two, so this is all you get for now. But I’m sure the rest of the guys will have a lot of quality writing for you later on in the day.*

* Probably not. But stick around anyway. kthnxbai.

Good morning, friends of excellence, it is I your faithful leader once again dropping troof bombs all over the ignorant world of sports fandom. Here’s a couple to start the day off:

• Chris Bosh is a cyborg sent to the NBA to break Lebron’s knee in the one year where it looks like the Cavs might actually have a shot at the title. Keep an eye out for that later this month.
• Kobe didn’t actually rape that girl at first…until she threatened to explode a nuclear weapon in our nation’s capitol.  He’s a hero!
• The reason the Gilbert Arenas gun debacle was found out and prosecuted so quickly is because there’s an undercover FBI agent playing for the Wizards.  Gilbert won’t do any jail time though because they don’t want to out their source.

It feels good to get that off my chest.  I’ve been holding those in for awhile.  But onto the matter at hand: what am I supposed to talk about from last night?  March NBA games?  Pre-Tournament College basketball?  Why would I waste your time with such things?  Those games have literally no meaning whatsoever.  Instead I will talk about Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning, fellow Jerks of the round table. Partially Dead Gonzo here, not doing any type of work that involves reporting on facts what-so-ever. I watched the Phils dismantle the Braves in Grapefruit League play last night. And I was intrigued by this Jason Heyward fella playing right field for Atlanta. I don’t keep up with minor leaguers, but my sources tell me this kid is an up and comer. This rook reminds me of a young Ryan Howard at the plate. Same stance; same swing; and when he reaches the Bigs, same moonshot homers. Even though he plays for a rival, I am excited to see him play. As well as Stephen Strasburg and Aroldis Chapman. The National League is going to be fun this year. Extreme boobage after the jump. (Isn’t it weird that Lake Titicaca doesn’t involve breasts or poop?) Read the rest of this entry »

Golf: Camilo Villegas took home the trophy at the increasingly prestigious Honda Classic over a stacked leaderboard featuring guys like Anthony Kim, Justin Rose, Paul Casey and Vijay Singh.  Camilo did it with a barrage of stingers off the tee and his lower ball flight, refreshingly, is an escape from today’s era of high ball, target golf hitters.

Then again, I don’t really like Villegas so that’s about it on the golf side.  Consider yourself lucky because if AK or Vijay won, you’d have gotten 2,000 words.

Lakers 94, Magic 96: So the question is, do I put this here or do I save it for a Write Up a Short Description for This! and find a picture of Kobe missing that last shot and making a snarky commentary about the guy even after he had a good game?  Meh…whatever.

Big Ben 2 Consensual Sex 0: Nothing makes a nice weekend getaway to a college town in Georgia (?) like a gropey night on the town, right Big Ben?  “Fuck you money” doesn’t mean you get to fuck everybody, ya hurd?

Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning fans of the ribald written word. I woke up this morning after a good 10 hours of beer induced sleep to feed Little RamonaWarHelmet her oatmeal and bananas to see the sun shining. I opened the door and felt the lukewarm 50 degree breeze hit my face and knew that today is a new day. A good day. The sun has finally melted the mountains of snow and Spring may almost finally sort of be upon us. Eat it Groundhog.

With very little going on in sports I care about, I have decided to turn a new leaf on my Met negativity and turn positive. Even with Jose Reyes’s Thyroid Condition keeping him out of practice. And Mike Pelfrey getting drilled in the knee by a line drive. And Carlos Beltran not running and just staring at pitches go past him from a pitching machine. And Gary Matthews Jr. wearing a Met uniform. And Daniel Murphy still being referred to as the starting first baseman. And the one Met game I get to watch since September will have Oliver Perez starting. And stories about Luis Castillo working on his range with the coach responsible basically saying there isn’t much of a chance of it working. None of this will deter me. Why? Ike Davis. Jenrry Mejia. Josh Thole. Fernando Martinez. Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning, my favorite Internet people. And I mean that sincerely. Good morning. Not great, not sub par, and certainly not bad. Just good. I think we can all live with that. I mean there’s nothing really bad about good, right? So here’s to a good morning.

/raises glass.
/yep, I’m already drinking. The weekend is starting off nicely.

On Thursday night, after watching perhaps the funniest 30 minutes of television ever (would you like a baggle?), I caught the tail end of the Lakers/Heat game. At first glance if you’re checking the box score, you might think to yourself, “wow, that must have been one helluva game. A 3-point victory for the Heat in OT? Sounds exciting.” Well no not quite. I watched the ending, and it wasn’t exciting. Correction, the game itself was exciting…when they were actually playing. The problem was the actual game action took a backseat to a boatload of timeouts and intentional foul shots. Granted this has been a problem for the NBA for some time, at least to me. But I really seemed to notice it last night. Maybe it’s because I watched the USA/Canada gold medal game in hockey last Sunday and the final 2 minutes of that game had me on the edge of my seat the whole time, but there’s just something really annoying about the final 2 minutes of an NBA game. Missed shot, foul, free throws, timeout, missed shot, foul, free throws, timeout, missed shot, foul, ballgame. Two minutes of clock time takes 25 minutes of real time, and nothing’s even happening. What a fucking waste. So if you’ll indulge me for a second, I think I have a few ideas that might help alleviate some of this inaction: Read the rest of this entry »

Holy Christ I’m excited. For the first time since our trip to Mexico I actually am looking forward to sporting events again. Like this afternoon, when I’m driving home from Tucson, I know I’ll be able to turn the dial over to KTAR 620AM and listen to some baseball the way it was intended. And I know that when I get home I’ll be able to turn on MLB Network and watch them talk about games that just happened. I’ll learn about injuries and failed expectations and position battles and title contenders and none of it will be in vain because baseball is starting right now. I know that this weekend I’m going to see some Spring Training with the Gay Magician and Ike Davis’ brother and that next week I’m going to play hookie at least once and watch baseball at a park I’ve never been to. I know that while there I’ll drink too much and my wife will get suspicious of what I’m doing with my time and she’ll hire a private detective and I’ll get caught and my wife will leave me and never let me see my kids again. I know that while single again I’ll fall in love with a girl who’s too stupid to realize that you shouldn’t get involved with a guy with kids and I’ll write bad poetry and consider getting my vasectomy reversed. Thanks baseball! All of these things are true now because Winter is over and baseball has begun. Destiny is destiny and mine is sealed so sit back and enjoy the ride.

BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who wants game recaps? Read the rest of this entry »

Hot damn! I’m so excited for today. In mere hours, the first spring training game starts with the Pirates travelling to somewhere in Florida to play the Yankees (MLBNetwork 1pm). Huh? Really? There were THREE games yesterday? As my pet shark would say, that’s fucking JAWSOME! This couldn’t come soon enough. I fucked up last night by not writing Under the Lights for Spence. As of 10:16 yesterday, he’s been out of Ohio. Has anyone seen him? He’s not responding to emails, so we may need a search party. Quick, TampaBo, you got Florida; Lefty, you take Georgia, N’awlins and the Carolinas. Hef, you got the entire west coast. I’ll look around the corner from my house. Okay team… BREAK! Let’s take a look at those scores from yesterday:

Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to one of my benevolent bosses, I had the good fortune to attend last night’s Longhorn game. It was Senior Night and I was hoping that Texas would get out of their recent doldrums, especially with it being it Damion, Dexter and Justin’s last game and all. Most of the first half was pretty crappy. Oklahoma seemingly couldn’t miss anything – that one white boy started out 4-4 from deep and that other black dude who used to wear long sleeves last year was hitting everything at will as well. I think the Land Thieves had an 11 point lead at one point. However, the Longhorns stepped it up in the last 4 minutes or so of the first half, going into halftime only down 2.

The 2nd half started out crappy. The Sooners once again built another double digit lead before Texas clamped down and played the basketball that many Longhorn fans expected going into the year. Hardnosed defense, getting Sexy Dexy involved and fairly efficient shooting from deep. I think the usually docile crowd sensed this team was turning a new leaf, and stood for the last ten minutes of the game. I guess we’ll see when they play at Baylor on Saturday if this was a real change or just a good half against a crappy Sooner squad.

I’m gonna miss the Seniors. I really think that with the right coaching staff, Dexter and Damion can be successful at the NBA level. I hope it works out.

NBA

Cavs 124, Knicks 93: Lebron’s lack of D led to many breakaway dunks. Does he cross halfcourt? He’s worse than the oldtimers at the Y.

Mavs 89, Bobcats 84: Dallas is beastin’ right now, winners of 8 in a row. I guess they traded for the good former Wizards.

Blazers 103, Grizzlies 93: Memphis falling apart.

Spurs 106, Hornets 92: Who are all these stupid people saying New Orleans should trade CP3?

Suns 101, Nugg Show 85: Denver must’ve really hit a funk after choking away that Laker game.

Rest of the scores here. Have a fantastic day.

This montage* should have summed up what would have been the 2nd greatest game in USA hockey history. This team was led by Zach Parise, Jamie Langenbruner, Patrick Kane, Brian Rafalski, and a bunch of guys who may still have been in college, for all I knew. I haven’t followed hockey too much this year, so names like Tim Gleason, Bobby Ryan, Erik Johnson, Jack Johnson and Ryan Kessler had me scratching my head. Did these guys really go 6-0 in the past couple of weeks? Not only did they dispatch Finland the other day by scoring SIX goals in the first period, they also thumped Canada a week ago.

It almost feels cheap to watch pros play in the Olympics. Glorified All-Star teams from the USA and Canada looking to beat up on pros from other countries that may not be good enough to play in the NHL. But after looking at the USA roster, and realizing that the entire Finnish team either was or has played in the NHL, and that Russia has always done this,  it felt less-cheapened. The foreign teams often play with each other year ’round, which is an advantage, but it didn’t help. Canada rolled out Crosby, Thornton, Staal, Toews, Richards, Iginla, Nash, Niedermeyer, Bergeron; all of whom are better than each US player (only Parise could hang with those guys), IMHO. Looking at it this way, it seemed like another 1980 scenario the US faced against Russia. Everyone loves an underdog, and I was hooked. Read the rest of this entry »