Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

I received dozens of emails last week from readers telling me that they were stunned to hear me so openly discuss my homosexuality.  Listen, I don’t know what power rankings you were reading but I in no way suggested, implied or hinted that I was gay.  I don’t know what you were reading but it wasn’t anything I wrote.

1. Jets: We would totally suck Mark Sanchez’s dick.  We don’t even care that he’s Mexican.
2. Colts: There’s a saying where I come from: “Never force a boy to go to a dance with a girl just because he’s got thousands of weightlifting mags under his mattress, next to his kleenex.” Think about it.
3. Vikings: Nothing excites us more than watching a man get fired up about football. We were definitely feeling something watching Brett Favre on the sidelines.
4. Patriots: We were super excited to find out that Tom Brady and Gisele’s son is named Benjamin. Any kid with those genes is going to be the hotness.
5. Cincy: Seeing Chad Ochocinco cry like that made us like him even more. We love sensitive guys. Read the rest of this entry »

Are we really going to have two nine win teams in the AFC?  What’s the fucking point?  Let’s just drop the last two teams, give the four division winners a bye and let them play in round two.  The disparity between the Division Winners and the Wild Cards (in terms of talent, not record) in both leagues is a big jump.

If the playoffs started today, the following teams would be in:

NFC
1. New Orleans (13-1)
2. Vikings (11-3)
3. Eagles (10-4)
4. Cardinals (9-5)
Wild Card: Packers (9-5)
Wild Card: Cowboys (9-5)

On the bubble: Giants (8-6)

Locks:

• The Saints lost to the fucking Cowboys this week.  The Cowboys.  In December.  I’m guessing they were looking past a weak opponent but still…the Cowboys.
• The Vikings couldn’t decide whether they were taking the week off or not, it seems, and also lost to a weak opponent.  Also Brett Favre is a hackfraud.
• The Cards clinched their division on Sunday with a victory over the Lions and a Niners loss.  I don’t think they can afford to take it easy though since they haven’t played inspired ball lately.
• The Eagles have officially clinched a playoff spot.  I will temper my enthusiasm for them because I don’t think they’re a very good football team.
• The Packers, while not officially a lock, need only to win this week against Seattle to officially make it.  Or if the Giants lose one more game.  I like their chances.

Read the rest of this entry »

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

[Ed. Note: INTERN JACE IS BACK BITCHES!]

1. Saints: The thing about the Saints is I’m not sure if they’ve earned the right to be called Super Bowl contenders.  Sure they’re undefeated and they’ve been good for a few years in a row and they’ve got a great QB and good defense but they don’t feel glamouress.  Like the Jets.
2. Colts: There’s a saying where I come from: “Never force a boy to go to a dance with a girl just because he’s got thousands of weightlifting mags under his mattress, next to his kleenex.”  Think about it.
3. Vikings: When Adrian Peterson proves that he’s not just coasting on Brett Favre’s accomplishments, then I’ll label him a good back.  Until then, he’s just benefiting off of greatness.
4. Patriots: That quitter Randy Moss is such a quitter that his quitting has taken on levels of quitocracy that quitting has rarely seen!  It’s like that time Edward quit on Bella in Twilight.  Disgusting.
5. Cincy: Whose wife has to die this week in order for the Bengals to beat a good team?  Or should they save that for the playoffs? Read the rest of this entry »

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

[Ed. Note: INTERN JACE IS BACK BITCHES!]

1. Saints:  How likable is Drew Brees? Plenty, but still not enough for us to watch Jay Leno this week.  Not because we don’t like him, but because it conflicts with Gossip Girl.
2. Colts: The Colts clearly look like the Taylor Swift of the AFC’s country music circuit, making the Steelers and Patriots the…Carrie Underwoods? The Dolly Partons?  Whatevs.
3. Vikings: December swoons are only a myth.  We think Brett Favre was just due for a bad game since he’s been the bees knees against Green Bay all season.
4. Patriots: You know what makes more sense than real analysis?  A reference to a shitty LA band that provides little clarity and a lot of pretension.
5. Cincy: Running back is the most important position on a football field, and with Cedric Benson back from injury and Larry Johnson as his capable backup, I am loving what’s happening in Cincinnati. Read the rest of this entry »

We’re going to do something different this week.  In addition to the current playoff standings and locks, we will also take a look at what each team has to do to make the playoffs.

If the playoffs ended today, the following teams would be in:

NFC
1. New Orleans (12-0)
2. Vikings (10-2)
3. Cardinals (8-4)
4. Cowboys (8-4)
Wild Card: Eagles (8-4)
Wild Card: Packers (8-4)

On the bubble: Giants (7-5), Falcons (6-6)

Locks:

• The Saints are apparently trying to go undefeated in the regular season which is a move I support.  Having said that, they totally should have lost last week.  Oh, and they’re one win away from clinching a first round bye and two wins away from home field advantage throughout the playoffs.
• The Vikings are a lock for the playoffs but looked like shit against the amazing Cardinals this week.  Brett Favre is overrated.  If Adrian Wilson learned how to catch he would have given up 4 INTs on Sunday instead of just 2.
• The Cards lead in their division is back up to 3 and they can officially lock up a playoff spot with a win against the Niners on Monday Night Football.  Oh, and Kurt Warner is  good goddamn quarter back.

Read the rest of this entry »

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

I’ve got bad news for the Intern Jace fans who read his rankings at our glorious site.  He had to take the week off because he [quote] “had to catch Twilight: New Moon 5 or 6 times on Sunday in order to digest the intricacies of the plot, character development, and uber pecks of those Werewolf dudes.”

So I, uh, guess we’re going to do i t ourselves.  Which is weird.

1. Saints: Jesus, this team impressed the hell out of me last night against what I consider to be the best team in football.  Not just their offense, which was efficient, but their defense too.  Damn.
2. Colts:
3. Vikings: I don’t want to rank them this high but I don’t have much of a choice.  I hate Brett Favre.
4. Patriots: They’ve been beaten by both the #1 and #2 teams in the league.  From an optimistic point of view, this could be good practice for the playoffs.  From a pessimistic point of view, their defense is nowhere near as good as it was in year’s past.
5. Cincy: Read the rest of this entry »

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

I’m so mad at football that I just want to spit.  So repeat after me: Rookie QB, Rookie Coach, Rookie Fan.  That’s me.  The last one.

1. Indianapolis: Only the 2nd most popular football team in Indiana. Speaking of which, anybody have any tips on who will replace Charlie Weis? Email me.
2. Minnesota: We said before the season even started that this team would be among the best in the NFC North along with the Bears and Packers. So why are we not getting credit for it now?
3. Denver: Chris Simms may not have a spleen but he certainly does have two working ankles. I don’t think the same can be said for Kyle Orton.
4. Philadelphia: RB is the most important position on the field after QB, so this team is in trouble without Brian Westbrook. But did you see that run by Mike Vick on Sunday night? That guy should be their fulltime back until Westbrook returns. Think about it.
5. Cincinnati: Headed to 8-2, got cocky against the Raiders…threatened to murder them, now she dun left me. FML.
6. Dallas: I was so frustrated by the game that I spent the afternoon searching Hollywood Tuna hoping to find another girl for Tony Romo to date. If he lost I was going to match him up with Lady Gaga but he won so he gets Blake Lively.
7. New Orleans: Who is your favorite boyfriend or husband of a Kardashian sister, Reggie Bush or Lamar Odom? Email me and we’ll talk about it.
8. Pittsburgh: Who cares if they lost again to a division rival, getting swept for the first time in years? They’re still the pride of that division. Especially this year. Up is down. War is peace.
9. New England: We asked @sportsguy33 what he thought of Wes Welker gaining 192 yards but not getting any TD’s. His response? No comment. You won’t get that kind of inside access just anywhere.
10. Houston: My auto-draft picked up Matt Schaub to be my backup QB in fantasy. I didn’t know who he was prior to the draft, but I’ll tell you what, I’ve been pleasantly surprised.
11. Giants: A good win on Sunday against ATL, but more importantly, a tipster tells us that Cheryl Cole made an appearance and was hanging out in a luxury suite. If you know who she was there with or you can confirm, please let us know.
12. Ravens: Have you ever noticed that the Harbaugh brothers look like movie stars? If he’d agree, I’d put John on the cover of US Weekly right now and not feel the least bit bad about it.
14. Chargers: You can say a lot of things about the Chargers but you certainly can’t call them informal. I mean they only call their best players by their full names like Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson. It makes them sound like royalty.
15. Bears: Does Jay Cutler have diabetes or AIDS? Which is the one that makes you lose your Quarterbacking ability in the face of an awful O-line and no receivers worth a damn to throw to?
16. Cardinals: Kurt Warner might be te greatest QB of all time. Plus I like his goatee. I wish I could grow facial hair.
17. Atlanta: We only know Mike Vick as that guy who went to prison for killing dogs. That’s why we were shocked to learn that he and Matt Ryan actually have similar stats through two seasons.
18. Jets: Kerry Rhodes better not show his face on twitter. Dude’s been toasted all season and can’t tackle, either.
19. Niners: I really want to see this team do well for Mike Singletary’s sake. Big fan of that guy because he’s black.
20. Dolphins: I am telling you, Joey Porter is lucky he is an NFL player because if he was one of my commenters I would have banned him already. No one speaks poorly of Tom Brady if I have my way.
21. Panthers: I’d like to see this team pass the ball more. WR is the 2nd most important position on the field after QB, and with a weapon like Steve Smith, you have to spread the field.
22. Jaguars: Have you ever noticed that their best receiver and their best running back both have hyphenated last names? That’s pretty cool. This probably deserves its own one-liner.
23. Bills: Our source tells us that Charlie Weis may be a candidate to become their head coach next year. We like the thought because this would bring a lot of media attention back to Buffalo, and that’s really all that matters.
24. Redskins: Is this my new favorite team in the NFC East? No. No it isn’t. But they’re totally my 2nd favorite.
25. Seahawks: This team finished with 4 rushing yards on Sunday against the Vikings. Is that a product of a poor OL or a lack of commitment to the run? Discuss.
26. Raiders: It’s clear that this team is now committed to Bruce Gradkowski at the QB spot. So what does that mean for former 1st overall pick JeMarcus Russell? Our source tells us that he’s interested in becoming a boxer. Intriguing.
27. Packers: I like that stocking cap that Aaron Rodgers puts on when he takes off his helmet on the sideline. It reminds me of something Colin Farrell would wear.
28. Titans: It’s clear that Jeff Fisher wearing a Peyton Manning jersey to a charity event after they fell to 0-6 has inspired this team. If you think I wasn’t wearing the same thing during my phone interview last week with Norman Chad, you’re sorely mistaken.
29. Lions: Stafford is playing well? Sure, maybe, but if a tree is not in New York, does it fall? Wait; if a tree falls outside of New York…um hold on…It has to be your tree.
30. Rams: My new favorite team besides the Giants, Cowboys, Jets, and Patriots after hearing Carrie Prejean is dating Kyle Boller. We’re big fans.
31. Browns: We don’t think LeBron could ever make it in the NFL, but we love when people talk about it because it’s fun to speculate on things that are retarded.
32. Bucs: What’s with all these expansion teams? I wish we could just go back to the good old days of the Jets, Pats and Panthers. Those were real teams.

The NFL playoffs are a numbers game. You only have room for so many teams. Starting next week we will also include division records and head to head matchups which become key down the stretch. Here is our weekly playoff report.

If the playoffs ended today, the following teams would be in:

NFC
1. New Orleans (10-0)
2. Vikings (9-1)
3. Cowboys (7-3)
4. Cardinals (7-3)
Wild Card: Eagles (6-4)
Wild Card: Packers (6-4)

On the bubble: Giants (6-4), Falcons (5-5)

Locks:

• The Saints are a lock for the playoffs as everyone knows.  What you might not know?  They’re going to lose to the Pats next week.
• If Brett Favre wins the MVP I’m going to stab a baby.  Maybe it’ll be one of mine.  Lord knows I’ve got enough that no one will notice, but I promise you this: a baby will get stabbed if Favre wins the MVP award.  Oh, and the Vikings are a lock for the playoffs.
• The Cards now have a 3 game lead in the division with Tennessee on deck.  Looking at their schedule they only have one, maybe 2, tough games remaining.  11 wins won’t be enough for a first round bye but it means they can get healthy, especially Kurt Warner who took a big hit this week that kept him out of the 2nd half.

Read the rest of this entry »

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

The football season is soooo loooonnngggg.  When will it be over so that we can talk about the victory parade and who is the best team ever?  I like parades and I like it when the suspense of a season is over with.  To tell you the truth, I don’t even like watching the games.  I just like knowing the answer to the question: what’s the best team in the NFL?  The answer: whichever one wins a Super Bowl regardless of injuries, poor officiating or a single bad game.  Oh, and the best QB in the league is the one who leads his team to a SB victory.  Always.

1. Indianapolis: I take it back, the Colts just know how to win.  Sure they got bailed out by bad coaching decisions and late missed field goals but they’re undefeated.  Just win, baby.  Win.  Niw, that’s win backward which the Colts sometimes do.
2. New Orleans: Another team that just wins.  Can we have co-MVPs this year?  Drew Brees and Peyton Manning’s fiveheads.  Boom, Roasted.
3. Minnesota: Three dome teams get Home Field advantage in playoffs means an offensive orgy in Super Bowl?  Orgy means kissing right?
4. Denver: I knew they would crash and burn. I knew they wouldn’t go undefeated. I knew they wouldn’t just win all 30 games this season. I knew they couldn’t. Man, I’m the best prognosticator ever.
5. Philadelphia: Eagles lose to SD, 31-23. Mike Vick stats: 0-1 passing. 0 rush attempts. Eagles rushed for 29 yards.  Clearly this is Vick’s fault.
6. Cincinnati: I can’t say this enough: Best uniforms in professional sports.
7. Dallas: So this is what it feels like…when doves cry.  [runs away crying into the open arms of Tony Homo]
8. Pittsburgh: Who cares if they lost again to a division rival, getting swept for the first time in years?  They’re still the pride of that division.  Especially this year.  Up is down. War is peace.
9. New England:Report: Barack Obama to weigh in on Belichick 4th down decision at presser tonight. (joke, obvs).  I say “obvs” because it’s hella rad.
10. Houston: Did we give up on the Moats experiment that quickly?  Is this communist Russia?  [drops Moats from FF lineup.]
11. Giants: How embarrassing would it be if a NY football team fell to .500.  They won’t be able to make excuses after that.
12. Ravens:
14. Chargers: You know how some people have a favorite AFC and NFC team?  Well I have two favorite teams per division.  And the other two in each division are my mortal enemies.  The Chargers are my favs team in the AFC West.
15. Bears: Does Jay Cutler have diabetes or AIDS?  Which is the one that makes you lose your Quarterbacking ability in the face of an awful O-line and no receivers worth a damn to throw to?
16. Cardinals: Kurt Warner might be te greatest QB of all time.  Plus I like his goatee.  I wish I could grow facial hair.
17. Atlanta: You know what song I like? Rollin’ Dirty.  I think that’s about Atlanta, right?
18. Jets: Rookie coach, rookie QB. Focus on draft (DE, CB) and playoff push next year.  This year?  I’m going back to rooting for my all time favorite team: the Cowboys.
19. Niners: Still under .500.  When does their coach, Mike Whatshisname, moon people so this team can be interesting again?
20. Dolphins: Dan Marino said a swear word so heinous I won’t even write it or let you know that it’s another word for doody.
21. Panthers: They’ve won games in the past few weeks.  I guess they decided they want it more than the last two opponents.
22. Jaguars: This team is on fire!  Wins are the most important thing no matter how week the opponent is.  Wins!
23. Bills: I’m going to go against the grain and support the move to acquire TO in the offseason.  Not because I have a real reason but because I like saying the opposite thing as people who’ve put thought into their picks.
24. Redskins: Is this my new favorite team in the NFC East?  No.  No it isn’t.  But they’re totally my 2nd favorite.
25. Seahawks: This week I’ll write about them in a way that does more than mention that I’m writing about them.  Ready?  Mike Holmgren is not their coach anymore.
26. Raiders: Bitches used to make my Kool-aid and my dick up her ass. Then I threatened to kill her…FML.
27. Packers: Even with an impressive win over the Cowboys this week, their fans will not murder you for wearing opposing team’s gear.
28. Titans: Not sure who won the game this week (where do you find that out?) but I do know the Titans owner flipped the bird at the galome.  I love hard hitting journalism.
29. Lions:  L is for the way you look at me…I is for the Iron that I pump…O is very very, obviously awesome…N is noisy when I sing a song I heard at an Italian restaurant.  Doot doot doo!
30. Rams: This team is on the verge…I can feel  it.
31. Browns: Last night Ray Rice had a better passer rating than Brady Quinn.
32. Bucs: [Joke about Jon Gruden being their head coach still]

Intern Jace is back fulfilling the obligations of his weekly gig telling us why he ranks certain NFL teams above other NFL teams with better records and stats. Remember, you can’t dare question his credentials because he also has a popular “sports” blog where he talks about which actress he would date if he weren’t 5′3″ and his voice didn’t actually sound the way most athletes think all bloggers sound.

Last week I ordered the teams by their record because Colin Cowherd said on his radio show that every NFL record right was an accurate representation of each team’s ability. But he hasn’t said anything new regarding the ordering of talent so I left them in the same order as last week.  I stand by my decision.

1. Indianapolis: One of these days the Colts will lose and it their bubble will pop and I’ll let everyone know I was right all along. Even if it isn’t until next year or if Peyton gets injured I will make sure to let everyone know that I was right and this team isn’t perfect. You’ll see. You’ll all see. [high pitched giggle which sounds like a maniacal laugh in my imagination]
2. New Orleans: It’s a good thing that the Saints don’t get graded on how bad they played in a single half or else they would be in dead last.  Who’s the MVP now, Drew?
3. Minnesota: I’m so glad that the Vikings had the week off because I’m so tired of those media types overhyping Brett Favre.  I hate Brett Favre.  And I hate people that talk about him at every opportunity.
4. Denver: Couldn’t beat the Steelers at home, huh?  Well join the club, pal.  Get it?  It’s a union joke.  I’m pretty funny.
5. Philadelphia: Those Eagles just don’t know how to win.  Don’t they know that part of winning is paying the refs enough to keep the game fair?  Amateurs.
6. Cincinnati: Cedric Benson has been playing really well. I guess it is true what they say: You can take the criminal out of the kitchen, but you can’t take the chef out of the heat. Or something. I was never good with euphemisms. [chokes on air.]
7. Dallas: Terrance Newman is the most overrated CB in football. I’m so glad I passed on the Cowboys’ defense in fantasy.
8. Pittsburgh: I like Big Ben.  He’s the kind of QB you don’t have to think about to understand.  And I like that…not thinking.
9. New England: I hate the Patriots so much that of course I root for them from time to time.  It throws them off guard.  Like that time I gave Tom Brady a beej.  He didn’t know what to think.  Psych out!
10. Houston: Where do I send my fantasy football complaint mail regarding this Moats fella?  I picked him up under the pretense (that’s lawyer talk) that he would duplicate last week’s performance but he only ran for 38 yds with no TD.  Life is so not fair.
11. Giants: 4 losses in a row in New York?  Don’t they understand that the media criticism here is so tough that the Giants have no shot of winning another game now?  This is the Big Apple.  You gotta be tough to live here.  [peeks out window at Dominican mailman across the street]
12. Ravens: First they win, then they lose, then they win, then they lose; hey Baltimore, pick a label and stick with it.
13. Packers: More like Pack-it-in’ers, amIright? Just a sickening display by their fans. Not even one arrest for assault with a deadly weapon the ENTIRE game. Some fans…
14. Chargers: Dun Dun Dun DUN DUNDUN – CHARGE! (That song is in my ipod – I use it for calf raises)
15. Bears: I don’t have a problem with a defender punching another player in the helmet with his hand.  It shows he cares about winning.  And if he happens to do it right in front of a ref, well then he was keeping it real and taking it to the next level, and telling it like it is.  What I’m saying is, “talk to the hand, biotch!”
16. Cardinals: I’m glad the Giants keep losing so that I don’t have to be impressed with the Cardinals victory in NY 3 weeks ago.  It’s always easier when you can just say, “The Cardinals?  Don’t they play in St. Louis?” as a total awesome burn instead of having to watch small market teams.
17. Atlanta: This Michael Turner kid deserves more publicity for Rookie of the Year.  I’ve never seen a player I’ve never heard of before dominate like he did this Sunday.
18. Jets: I love the Jets so much that of course I root for them all the time.  It keeps them on guard.  Like that time I gave Mark Sanchez a beej.  He enjoyed it more than I did.  Psych out — I loved it!
19. Niners: Seriously, how is it possible that 18 teams are .500 or above?  I may not be good at math or reading or logic or science or politics or knitting or basketball or blogging or having a deep voice or wearing suits that fit but that don’t make no sense.  Ooohhh….90210 is on.
20. Dolphins: I’m surprised the Wildcat hasn’t been incorporated by every single team in the league considering how successful the Dolphins have been.
21. Panthers: After watching them this season, it is quite apparent that Julius Peppers is souring on his teammates. Methinks he is going to pursue those NBA dreams of his.  Maybe with LeBron on the Knicks? Just sayin’
22. Jaguars: I don’t know what is wrong the people of Jacksonville. I understand unemployment is high in the Florida panhandle, but anytime you get a chance to pay $80 to see someone named MoJo you have to do it. I love cool nicknames.
23. Bills: First TO, then Mike Vick, Let me tell you I might have to consider rooting for this team if that happens. They are going to be super good.
24. Redskins: Running Back is the 2nd most important position for a football team, so with Clinton Portis out, this team has to think about signing Larry Johnson.
25. Seahawks: Last week we forgot to even write something for this team.  This week, we didn’t forget.
26. Raiders: Bitches used to make my Kool-aid and my dick up her ass. Then I threatened to kill her…FML
27. Yankees: #27, bitches!!!  I haven’t been this happy since the last time they were good and I was a fan.  Hey, whatever happened to Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius?  Are they still on the team?
28. Titans: If Vince Young isn’t proof to how important a Quarteback is to winning games, I don’t know what is.

29. Lions: We cannot condone that eye-gouge by Spikes. That’s just bush. Goodell should step in and suspend him for at least 4 games.
30. Rams: This is a bad team, and the fans quit showing up. I know contraction is out of the question, but I believe a move is definitely in order. Wouldn’t this be the perfect candidate for LA’s new team? How could this go wrong? I can picture Steven Jackson living it up in that scene now…

31. Browns: When was the last time the Browns had two consecutive Sundays without a lost?  Facts are facts.  Playoffs could be in their future.
32. Bucs: This Josh Freeman kid looks for real. I can’t wait to pick him up off the waiver wire in fantasy.