You want the Cleveland fans to move on, yet you still take potshots at your former organization:

“Everything is built around winning and forget everything else. Over there, everything is petty, worried about the wrong thing – what a guy is saying, what a guy is making. There’s just too much foolishness over there and too many people there who are still worried about the wrong thing.” (Yahoo Sports)

Well, I don’t know about the money aspects or being worried about the wrong things, but if it’s one thing we do well around here, it’s “petty” and “foolishness”.

Enjoy your contract negotiations, dick.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Hef,

Awwww, does somebody not feel well?  You poor widdle baby.  I’m so sorry for–BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do you know how easy it was for me to wreck your week?  Do you know how absolutely fucking simple it was to throw your schedule all out of whack?  IT WAS NOTHING!  God, that’s the best part, I’ve got a million assholes just like you cursing my name every goddamn day and it almost always means nothing.  I didn’t even know who you were when you were at that appointment and that lady sneezed on your pen before signing that contract.  But you know what, motherfucker?  I’m glad your sick.

See, you claim to be a real asshole, a tough guy.  You claim to be some kind of big, bad, nothing hurts me, kind of guy on the internet but one little sneeze turns you into a pile of bitch faster than a kick to the balls.  Not so tough now, are you faggot?  Go change your tampon.

And quit with the whining already.  So you had to stay in bed all week, big deal.  Your buddy Clown would have loved that opportunity but I’m told he’s a reformed Mexican and actually has a job.  And you’re mad because you haven’t eaten anything in 4 days?  Well, boo-fucking-hoo cocksucker.  Your fat ass could stand to lose a few pounds.  You should be going on Oprah and telling the world about the H1N1 Diet.  You can’t now because I just copyrighted that shit but if you weren’t such a stupid asshole you might have been able to turn some lemons into some fucking lemonade, am I wrong?

You want to hear something funny?  You’re not even on my target list.  Middle class whites/Jews aren’t my primary demographic.  This was all a mistake.  You weren’t even supposed to get sick.  Isn’t that shit hilarious?  The universe works in mysterious ways.  And one of those ways is fucking your shit up.

Oh, and another thing, stop calling me H1N1.  Sure that’s my name now but that was only invented so little skullcap wearing, no eating shellfish on the Shabbos, bastards like you wouldn’t feel ashamed if you did manage to get sick.  I’m Swine Flu, motherfucker.  Say my name.  Say it!  Yeah, that’s right.  You like yelling that don’t you, pig fucker?

I heard you had tickets to the Suns/Magic game tonight but now you can’t go.  That sucks.  Let me ruin the end for you: Magic 320, Suns 12.  Because they suck too, fag.

Oh, and say hi to your wife for me.

Sincerely,

H1N1 Swine MotherFucking Flu

p.s. Your website sucks.

H1N1 is a senior fellow at the Hoover Institute where it was invented in a lab to kill off the uninsured and minorities.  It can be reached here.

Dear H1N1,

Fuck you.

Sincerely,
Hef

p.s. Fuck you.

Dear Mr. Devaney,

It has come to my attention that the Rams are not a good football team. I know this is not your fault. You have only had the job for a few years and have yet to get a chance to mold them in your image, whatever that may be. I do have to say that I see a major problem that can be handled right now. Your head coach, Steve Spagnuolo is not winning. I looked at your record, 1-7, and I am not impressed. It is obvious that Coach Spagnuolo is not competent enough to be the Head Coach of such a prestigious franchise. I have a suggestion, just fire him right now.

Now I know what you are thinking, this is a bit soon. Really, it is not. Think about it, the rather large sample size of 8 weeks is more than enough time to evaluate a coach. He hasn’t shown many tendencies to translate his great defensive coordinator skills to Head Coach. I understand, this happens to a lot of coaches. You need to wipe this season clean and start from scratch. There are many experienced coaches available and the sooner you turn on the Help Wanted sign the better chance you have to grab one of these prized coaches. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Roge (can I call you Roge? Thanks),

What the FUCK were you thinking, allowing these be shown in the light of day, let alone actually being used for an actual National Football League game?

Sincerely,

Dear Carlos,

Let me start by saying that yesterday’s theatrics leading up to and after your ejection were pretty epic.  It was a heck of a show that you put on, one that I enjoyed watching again and again (thanks, mlb.tv!).  For those reading who can’t see the video at work, I’ll take a minute to narrate:

You’re pitching in the top of the seventh at the friendly confines of Wrigley Field when you throw a wild pitch.  Soto scrambles to get the ball and flips the ball to you (nice block of home plate, by the way) for a hell of a close play.  The ump calls Nyjer Morgan safe (and if you look, his left hand does slide around your foot so it is the right call) and you flip out.  You get right up in the ump’s face and then (accidentally?) bump him which is an immediate ejection and will probably result in a suspension.  Then you start mocking the ump and pretend to eject him; you throw the ball toward the outfield bleachers (just a little short); and finally you destroy the Gatorade machine in the dugout with a bat.  It really was an epic meltdown.

Here’s the thing: epic meltdowns are funny and all, but they’ve got to be the least professional, most self-centered part of baseball.  This is one play in a day game in May.  Against the Pirates.  In May.  It’s one fucking run.  How do you allow yourself to get that upset over one run in a game against the Pirates.  If you’re that pissed, channel your energy into preventing them from scoring any more runs.  This isn’t just about you, after all, this is about your team. Read the rest of this entry »

That new fan… It’s me! (Not pictured)

See, since everyone undoubtedly hates Jay Cutler now, I think it will be fun to root for him. Personally, I’m still hoping that he stays in Denver just so I can be right. Wherever* he plays, I’ll be his biggest fan.

He’s the anti-Romo.

He’s the anti-Roethlisberger.

Read the rest of this entry »

This post was written this weekend on Microsoft Word because Hef’s computer was not working.  This made him even angrier.  He recognizes that most of you don’t care about this show and he also recognizes that this is a sports blog and not a TV blog.  He doesn’t care.  He wants to yell at something.

Dear Ronald Moore,

Hey man, what the fuck?  I was watching the series finale of your show on Friday and I was gobsmacked by how fucking awful it was.  That’s really how you want to end one of the best written series of the past 1o years?  A series that transformed sci-fi into something that isn’t automatically dismissed as geeky and lame?  A show that transformed normal people (such as myself) who don’t give a shit about interstellar conflicts into ardent supporters of such a show.

Let me explain to you why your show appealed to me.  It took conventional sci-fi memes and turned them on their ass.  No longer was it a pristine ship floating around in the middle of nowhere with an endless supply of food, water, and bullets like in Star Trek (which also seemed to have an endless supply of soap, hair products, and makeup because everyone always looked fucking pristine).  This wasn’t a show about man’s quest to explore the farthest reaches of the universe in an attempt to learn more about himself.  This wasn’t a show with goofy fucking aliens and laser beams and distant wrestling matches on far off planets.  This wasn’t a show about two epic armies squaring off to determine the future of the galaxy. Read the rest of this entry »

In anticipation of the coming baseball season, we will be previewing all 30 teams over the next month. To see all of our team previews, please click here.

This team is coming off a World Series victory… like 8 years ago! [Ed: Try two.]

The Cardinals have one of the drunkest/sleepiest/best managers in the game in Tony La Russa. In addition to having a future Hall of Famer for a manager, they are also affectionately known to fans as the Buzzsaw. Read the rest of this entry »

Since Spring Training Games start next weekend and some of you out there are starting to put some serious thought into flying out to the Great State of Arizona for some Cactus League action, I thought I’d do you a solid and help you figure out where to stay and where to eat. Who better to trust than a rabid baseball fan who’s lived in Phoenix for 20+ years?

Today we’re heading East to the land of Mesa where the Chicago Cubs play.  Mesa is a Spanish word that means “oh my god this town is fucking filled to the bleachers with Mormons.”  Is that a bad thing?  Not if you’re just visiting.  [Ed--Can you imagine the outcry if I had written "jews" instead of "mormons?"  I love acceptable discrimination].

The thing about going to see a game at Hohokam Park is this: there a million Cubs fans who live in Phoenix and do nothing but talk about how great Chicago is all day, everyday, to everybody.  They’re all fat and mustachioed and they can’t get enough of their wonderful Midwest paradise despite the fact that they haven’t lived there in 20+ years.  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: if you love it so much, get the fuck out.  I refuse to go to Hohokam Park out of moral indignation but also because those assholes charge extra for the “premium” games.  As if any game that ever included the losingest losers in the history of loserdom could ever be considered “premium.”  Please, charge me extra to watch the Cubs play the Brewers.  Whoopee, two teams who, despite their extensive tenure in the bigs, have never won a World Series.  Fucking premium alright. Read the rest of this entry »