Let me get this straight:

After suddenly gaining new playoff hopes because Dallas, Philly and Atlanta all lost last week, you, the New York Football Giants and flukiest Super Bowl winners of all time have to go to overtime at home against a team without Michael Turner or Jerious Norwood?  You barely won a game in which Eli Manning (hereafter referred to as The Retarded Manning Brother) had one of the best games of his career; a game that you should have been fired up for after losing 4 straight but gaining ground in a bye week due to opponents’ losses; a game in which you dominated your opponent in total yards; a game you should have won.  You barely won this game, are still out of the playoffs because Green Bay has a better conference record and you have to go on the road to play in Denver next week and we’re all supposed to think the season has been turned around somehow?

Now, I know there are some of you, yes there are some, who realize what a shitty victory this was and that the future looks dim.  But there are others, and many of them are calling into radio shows right now, who think that this Giant team has turned it around; that this Giants team is destined for greatness.  To these Giants fans, I say, “just fuck off already.”

Oh Giants fan, sweet misguided, Giants fan.  I’m writing this not as an antagonistic sumbitch but as a man who understands what real loss* is.  Now is the time to prepare yourself mentally.  Now is the time to say, “Sure we won yesterday, but if we get overly excited about this embarrassment of a victory it will only make the fall to reality that much more harsh.  We must be realistic and not the kind of Giants fans who think a defense is good based on what it does in preseason and against teams like the Raiders, Chiefs, Bucs and Redskins.  Let’s just all stand as one and proclaim to the world “The Giants suck.  We know this.  Please forgive us for our arrogance and also we’ll give back that flukey Super Bowl.”

The Moon Laughs Knowingly.
The Moon Laughs.
The Moon.
The.

*In so much as I had to watch the Yankees win a WS this year.

Dear Mr. Devaney,

It has come to my attention that the Rams are not a good football team. I know this is not your fault. You have only had the job for a few years and have yet to get a chance to mold them in your image, whatever that may be. I do have to say that I see a major problem that can be handled right now. Your head coach, Steve Spagnuolo is not winning. I looked at your record, 1-7, and I am not impressed. It is obvious that Coach Spagnuolo is not competent enough to be the Head Coach of such a prestigious franchise. I have a suggestion, just fire him right now.

Now I know what you are thinking, this is a bit soon. Really, it is not. Think about it, the rather large sample size of 8 weeks is more than enough time to evaluate a coach. He hasn’t shown many tendencies to translate his great defensive coordinator skills to Head Coach. I understand, this happens to a lot of coaches. You need to wipe this season clean and start from scratch. There are many experienced coaches available and the sooner you turn on the Help Wanted sign the better chance you have to grab one of these prized coaches. Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning jerks. What a glorious day it is! It is the first Sunday of  the Real Football Season. Not that Minor League Season middle America and the South love so damn much. I know it is not the first game. That happened Thursday. To tell you the truth, I have no idea who won that game as I write this. Why? Because I am writing Sunday’s Quality Start on Tuesday night. Yes, September 8th. There are two reasons for this. For one, I am away on business as you are reading this with your morning coffee or Bloody Mary. Secondly, I didn’t want to give up the opportunity to welcome you to the first of 17 of the most magnificent Sundays God gives us a year. I love the National Football League.

Today, my beloved New York Football Giants are at home against the Washington Racists. My boys are at the game as I usually would be. I was pumped to be there. I brought my new tailgate cooler, Little Blue, which fits 56 cans of beer with ice. I had my choice today between my Justin Tuck Authentic or my Harry Carson throwback. I would have headed over to Wiggleman’s house to meet up with his Dad and Monkeykong. We would have driven in, drinking our Dunkin Donuts coffee, talking about the season, the tailgate, the parking situation, our Golf games and just being pumped up about the game. After drinking heavily in the parking lot, we would have headed through the Cattle tunnel from the Izod Center to Giant Stadium. We park at the Izod to beat traffic to the GW Bridge on the way home. We would get our two beer limit a person, stuff our pockets with them and head to the next beer line to get two more so we would not have to get up until the 2:00 warning to pee. I would have headed down to Section 117 Row 20. That is corner end zone. 20 rows from the field. The teams would be warming up. I would say hello to friends I haven’t seen since last year. I would comment on Tynes missing Field Goals in practice and how awesome Jeff Feagles is as he practices his punts inside the 20. I would soak everything in. I love the NFL. I love the Giants. I love my seats. I love going with Monkeykong. Hell, I even sort of like that fucker. I would of, should of but alas I will not be. Fucking work. Read the rest of this entry »

Osi is back! Watching last night’s Giants/Panthers preseason game I had a few thoughts. One was I can’t believe I am watching a preseason game. The Second was I can’t believe I am standing and pacing while watching a preseason game. The Third was I can’t believe I am talking to Monkeykong on the phone about the game while standing and pacing while watching a preseason game. The fourth was I can’t believe I am texting with Sparty about the game while talking to Monkeykong  about the game while standing and pacing while watching a preseason game. I also had some actual game thoughts: Read the rest of this entry »

I am not of the habit of giving written fellatio to the people responsible for running the teams I root for. I may love my team but I always have issues with the powers that be. That makes me a New Yorker. In New York, on any given day, you can find someone to bitch about Omar Minaya, Brian Cashman, Glen Sather, Donnie Walsh, Mike Tannenbaum, and The Islanders backup Goalie Garth Snow. (I leave Lou Lamoriello and Rod Thorn out of this conversation since no one gives a shit about their teams and someone has to give a shit about your team to bad mouth your work.) The one name I left off my list is Jerry Reese. Why? Simple, Jerry Reese fucking rules. It is that simple. He is the best GM in town and I am going to say the best GM in football. Really.

Why such praise? Well, the guy has a Super Bowl title and a Division title under his belt in two years.  That can be attributed to Ernie Accorsi if you want. But, Jerry Reese was Ernie’s Vice President of Player Development and ran all of his drafts for most of this decade. He is responsible for 95% of the players on the roster. I am not knocking Ernie, he was a good GM. He also saw what he had in Jerry Reese that he handpicked him to be his successor. Jerry Reese is a great talent evaluator. Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, Barry Cofield, Corey Webster, Aaron Ross, Kenny Phillips, Michael Johnson, Chris Snee, David Diehl, Brandon Jacobs, Ahmad Bradshaw, Steve Smith, and Kevin Boss were all players he drafted as personnel director and GM. Not a bad little list. What makes that list even more impressive is the contracts that he signed with all of them. Most of them are locked up until 2011-2012. For reasonable money. This team has not put itself in some cap abyss like the Redskins or Cowboys. They have built it from scratch and have given the players reasonable money that won’t kill the cap. Read the rest of this entry »