Jimmer Fredette will resurrect a city and Mark Price's shorts.

/hernia’d

A sincere hat tip goes to Donnie Walsh and Mike D’Antoni. Donnie wheeled and dealed to get the Knicks cap space and white people while Mike D’Antoni made 4 nickles shine like 4 quarters. All of this made it possible for the fearless and intrepid owner, James Dolan, to navigate through shark infested waters to bring the Knicks it’s next great shining star.

It truly is a fair deal. The Knicks got a second superstar to go with Amare. Denver got more white people plus Ray Felton, who may be traded for even more white people! So sit back and enjoy New York as we watch the Knicks make a legit run at the 6th seed and a .500 record. The excitement is back!

*Wilson Chandler makes Allan Houston look like Tupac

Stop making me look like an ass, ok?

Stop acting like little fucking 13 year old girls who just got dumped, it’s fucking pathetic.  Grow a fucking set of nuts and get on with your lives because this is SOOOOOO fucking meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

Can I offer a suggestion?  Howabout, instead of putting all this effort into hating LeBron, we collectively put it towards making our city not a cesspool of rust and bad jokes?  Wouldn’t that MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF FUCKING SENSE?

Jesus tapdancing Christ, have some fucking perspective.  This is a guy who’s career, if he’s lucky, will last five to ten more years.  He’ll be lucky to walk without pain when he’s finished.  Point being…he wants his rings and it’s fucking batshit stupid to begrudge him for wanting it now, ok?

This isn’t like Art Modell moving the Browns…Art Modell was knee deep in our city’s legislature, trying to keep city improvements off the table and got a sin tax passed THE DAY BEFORE HE MOVED THE TEAM.  Art Modell is Judas…LeBron?  LeBron’s more like…

And that’s the funny thing.  We shouldn’t be angry at LeBron, we should laugh at him.  What a fucking pussy.  I mean, seriously, who up and decides to join their rivals instead of doing something on your own?  Pussies, that’s who.  But we don’t hate pussies, we just don’t give them the credit of being a true great.  Gone is any chance of LeBron’s legacy being listed along with MJ, Bird and Magic’s*.

*Yes, I know all three played with Hall of Famers, but they were in situations far different than LeBron’s.  MJ, Bird and Magic didn’t crawl on their knees to a rival’s team just for a better shot at a ring…they were the man at their respective stops, LeBron is not.

So just stop this outrage, NE Ohio…it’s not becoming.  So what if the Cavs are in their deathbed?  You all didn’t give a flying fuck about that before LeBron, so why do you care now?  You’re being selfish, immature assholes by being angry and burning jerseys and shit SO FUCKING STOP.  This is a 25 year old dude with the world at his footsteps, and you’re all bitching about him wanting to see what else there is outside of Cleveland fucking Ohio?  Get over yourselves.

Sincerely, Ohio’s own…

spencer096

Ladies and gentlemen, let me share with you my plans for this evening.

After work, I’m going to hit golf balls because hitting golf balls is really, REALLY fun.  Plus, I’m actually improving, which makes hitting golf balls even funner.  Then, I’m probably going to find something to eat…maybe an Italian sub?  Maybe some Chinese?  Who knows?

When I finally get home, I’ll probably change before hitting the bong…or wait, should I hit the bong and then change?  Meh, it doesn’t matter…I could even make a clothes change sandwich on two slices of bong rip if I really wanted to, but you get the picture…there will be changing of the clothes and ripping of the bong.

After that, I’ll probably just play Modern Warfare 2 for like eight hours.

One thing I won’t do is engage in is watching anything with an ESPN logo in the lower left hand corner of the screen or click on any website that isn’t golfwrx.com.  It’s not because I’d be sad or angry, like I’ve said I would be before, it’s because I simply cannot stand such self flagellation.  

LeBron owes nothing to Cleveland.  He’s from Akron, hundreds of Cleveland businesses profited off of his mere presence and the fans got to root for a once in a generational talent.  It was a fantastic ride, and it’s foolish to think that because a dude grew up 45 minutes away he’s beholden to a team and franchise that isn’t entitled to developing their career the way they want to, even if that means going to another city to ply their trade.  This isn’t Art Modell…THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING PARALLELS NO MATTER HOW BADLY ESPN WANTS TO SELL YOU THAT SHIT, OK?

Do I want LeBron back?  I’d be lying if I said no, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a party of such bullshit like tonight’s “decision.”  I don’t care if LeBron was just seen leaving James Dolan’s house by P. Diddy or if he’s rented six cabanas in Miami…I just cannot take spoonful after heaping spoonful of poorly manufactured dookie.

I don’t blame anyone for having even a tepid interest in tonight’s shitshow, but as someone with a semi-invested interest, I won’t be watching.  And neither should you.

PS…he’s resigning with the Cavs and I’m still not going to get excited.

The idea is that they will get Joe Johnson and Amare Stoudemire together with Mike D’Antoni and they can replicate their success in Phoenix. I see two problems here, a) Steve Nash is not part of this deal and B) Amare wasn’t exactly D’Antoni’s biggest fan. Add that to the fact that THEY ARE NOT BRINGING STEVE NASH WITH THEM*, and well I doubt this works. There is talk of the Knicks trading for Tony Parker to add to the pipe dream. Whatever. Second round or bust.

With that said I hope LeBron picks Newark just to fuck Cleveland, Chicago and James Dolan. That should lead to eleventy more Lakers/Magic Finals.

*Really, I don’t think I can stress this point enough.

The Washington Wizards may have lost a few battles against the Cleveland Cavaliers, but they most certainly won the war.  Think about it…the first salvo was Jamison to the Cavs, a talented, but defensively impotent player who was abused routinely by Kevin Garnett in the Cavs’ beatdown at the hands of the Celtics.  Now, the Cavs are stuck with an exorbitant salary for a player with a clear, defined weakness on a roster that’s inspiring nobody.

But that wasn’t enough for Washington…oh, no.  They could’ve been content with implanting a tumor on their once rivals, but instead, they had to go ahead with the water torture…an agonizing week long period where, thanks to the Wiz’ trade with the Bulls for the cap killing Kirk Hinrich, Cavs fans everywhere have to watch their team squrim and gasp for air.  The Cavs will surely die, LeBron will be on the Bulls in no more than 10 days and the Wizards have John Wall and cap space for the future (Melo?).

As for the Cavs?  The Cavs have nothing.

And when LeBron leaves?  The team, hell THE CITY will have even less…nothing more than a series of celebratory t-shirts and a couple division banners in the rafters.  The Cavs narrative will come completely full circle…a team of non-talents and malcontents defined the pre-LBJ era and it will define the post-LBJ era, at least until the team moves or folds due to bankruptcy that’s almost assured in this, the most terrible of sports markets.

I’m sure you all don’t care, and I don’t blame you.  For some reason, there’s this feeling around the country that LeBron NEEDS to be in a larger market, and frankly, it’s probably true.  But it’s also the final death knell for everything that this city holds dear…we don’t care about success or money or whatever…the number one thing Clevelanders care about is loyalty.

I’m not going to say we’re going to get betrayed, because that’s not what this is about.  LeBron is not beholden to a gunslinging owner or some Chinese investors, he’s beholden to his own success as some sort of prophecy where there aren’t enough fingers for rings and enough banks to hold his money.  As a Clevelander, how the hell can we begrudge him, a man in his mid-20′s with the world at his fingertips for wanting to bridge out and make the most out of his days on Earth?

I certainly can’t.

But that doesn’t make it feel any better.  I’m not filled with anger or bitterness or contempt, I’m filled with sadness.  Sadness for a city that desperately needs a hero, who found that PERFECT hero, and now has to watch him take the trip so many of the Midwest’s young elite have taken…the road to Chicago.  Sadness for a region that hasn’t had a whole lot to cheer for for the past decade.  Sadness that it had to end like it did, with the team as dysfunctional as it’s ever been against one of its most bitter rivals.

A storybook ending?  For Cleveland…yea.