I have to say, I love this deal for the Diamondbacks. For both sides, really, but let’s set aside for a moment the fact that a 22 year old kid just got a gi-normous pay raise; that was going to happen anyway. So let’s just look at this from the team’s perspective: How much money would Justin Upton make in arbitration? Well that’s hard to say, but basing this on recent comps and assuming that Justin Upton continues to put up numbers similar to 2009 (My guess is we look back on his 2009 season as the shitty one), he’d probably get anywhere from $30 to $35 million even before he hit free agency. And from there, we’re looking at $15 million per season.

So essentially this deal does two things for the Diamondbacks:

1. It [potentially] saves them a boatload of money over the course of 6 years.
2. It allows them to avoid arbitration [which everybody hates] on a player who’s already fucking awesome at baseball and who should continue to improve as he gets older.

This is a solid organizational move. Like the exact opposite of something the Royals would do.

A+

• Gary Matthews Jr. is crazy overpaid to the tune of 2 more years and $23.5 million.
• Brian Stokes is an average reliever going from the NL to the AL.
• Gary Matthews Jr. sucketh at baseballth.
• The Angels will pay all but $2 million of Matthews’ remaining salary. The Mets will pay the rest.
• For the Mets, Matthews will either be a horrible starting outfielder or a replacement off the bench that his manager will be afraid to call upon, depending on how he’s used.
• For the Angels, Stokes will be one of those guys who their fans forget by 2011 when he’s traded again.

That’s about it, really. To me, it’s just one more organizational move that puzzles me much like the Royals signing of Rick Ankiel and the White Sox trading for Juan Pierre. I can see why the Angels made this move I guess; they’re getting marginal value in return for a guy who would have provided them with absolutely nothing in 2010 or 2011. But the Mets? I just don’t get it. Why would they want to give $2 million dollars to a guy who sucks if they didn’t have to, and why would they offer up a useful reliever for the right to do so? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to simply sign a Type B free agent off the street and save the reliever?

Whatever, Omar Minaya is an idiot.

Answer after the jump:

Nope, it’s just The Bearded Asian Badass, Chan Ho Park

How did the fuckstains from Philly think it was appropriate to greet Mr. Johnson when he tries to present the NLCS trophy to Phillies management? They booed him. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise – these are the same assholes who cheered when they thought Michael Irvin was paralyzed, not to mention also throwing batteries at Santa Claus.

Yep, the only way I knew the Phillies had taken a 2-1 series lead was by looking through contact-dried eyes at my phone when a blaring commercial on TBS woke me back up at 4.

Should I — as someone who loves baseball and gets paid to follow it — have downed a Red Bull or started a cocaine habit to stay up and watch the game? Some people might say yes.

But while those “some people” apparently work for Major League Baseball, I’m going to stand by my original thought that scheduling a playoff baseball game involving an East Coast team and Denver night-time temperatures in the low 30s for a start time of 10:07 p.m. ET ranks as the silliest of all of baseball’s all-time silly decisions.

I know that it’s not cool to defend Major League Baseball or TBS or any of “the suits, maaaan”, but what other options did they have for a makeup game?

Why can’t they air two games at the same time? First of all, just dismiss that notion. TBS paid heavy rights fees for the right to air ALL of the Division Series games. Why would they want to dilute their product?

Why not air it during the 2:30 slot that was previously held for the (if necessary) Dodgers/Cardinals Game 4? BECAUSE THE BRONCOS WERE PLAYING AT THE SAME TIME! MLB and TBS aren’t dumb. They know that football is America’s game and the ratings juggernaut. They know that many Rockies ticketholders are probably Broncos ticketholders as well, and those peeps aren’t gonna pass on a chance to see their undefeated football team take on an organization that cheated their way to 3 Super Bowl titles in the last 8 years. Especially considering how moribund the Broncos have been for the better part of a decade. A late start gives those Broncos fans a chance to go to the game at Invesco, relax a little bit, and then go to the game at Coors.

Finally, why not air it during primetime over the Yankees? Get real. No one gives a shit about the Phillies or the Rockies.

A quick rant on Sunday night’s Phillies-Rockies late start time (Big League Stew)

Cards 8, Cubs 3: Two things: A) The Cubs and their ginormous payroll are now sitting fifth in the NL Central. That makes me smile. 2) Albert Poopholes is gearing up for one of the best offensive seasons ever. He jacked #32 last night, and he’s hitting .336 on the season. Crazy.

Reds 3, Mets 0: By taking game 1 of three game set, the Reds proved once again that they are the superior franchise. Roman, when you asked if I wanted to go to a Mets game today, I didn’t put two and two together and realize they were playing the Reds. Take your daughter instead. She’ll enjoy watching a real team play, love the uniforms, and no doubt become a life long fan. Joey Votto and Laynce Nix hit bombs in the victory. Also, the Mets traded for Jeff Francouer yesterday. He’s one of the worst everyday players in professional baseball. He doesn’t get on base, can’t field particularly well, and no longer has much power. The player he was traded for, Ryan Church, is an okay hitter and above average fielder. This is one of the dumbest deals I’ve seen in recent memory. Sorry again Roman.

Dodgers 12, Brewers 8: The Dodgers did the Reds a solid last night by beating the Brewers in the extra innings. Seven homers were hit in the game, including one by Russell Martin. It was only his second homer of the year. I was becoming increasingly convinced Martin turned into a woman in the offseason. How else to explain his meager .319 slugging percentage?

Rangers 6, Mariners 4: Hank Blalock, Michael Young, and Nelson Cruz went yard last night to lead Texas to the win, maintaining their 0.5 game lead in the AL West. Also yesterday, the Mariners traded their shortstop, Yuni Betancourt, to the Royals for a couple of fringy arms. Yuni Betancourt was probably the worst starting shortstop in MLB, and he is owed a lot of money the next three years. Apparently, Royals GM Dayton Moore is in love with low OBP, poor fielding position players. Maybe he thinks he’s found a new market inefficiency!

Red Sox 1, Royals 0: Tough loss for saber-fave Brian Bannister. He went 7.2 innings, striking out 7 and giving up the lone run on a Dustin Pedroia double. Jon “Cancer Survivor” Lester went 8 scoreless innings to pick up the win for Boston.

That’s it for me. Enjoy your Saturday, y’all.

Don't even act like you're not impressed

On Wednesday night, Albert Pujols went 2 for 2 with 2 walks and a stolen base in 4 plate appearances. Unfortunately, he did not hit a home run, so his projected HR pace dropped from 62 to 61. As we’re all aware, the record for most home runs hit by a Major League player in any one season is 61 by Roger Maris 48 years ago. If anyone in baseball has the ability to break that hallowed record, it’s Albert.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I have a healthy baseball crush on Pujols. He’s been the best hitter in baseball just about every season since he’s come into the league in 2001. Somewhere along the way, he also became one of the best defensive 1st basemen as well. Basically the man simply brings it every game and every season. But so far in 2009, he’s been putting his previous seasons to shame. Check out where he ranks offensively in the most recognizable stats:

4th in MLB (3rd in NL) in batting average at .337.
1st in MLB in HR’s with 30.
1st in MLB in RBI’s with 77.
1st in MLB in OBP at .460.
1st in MLB (by far) in SLG at .745.
1st in MLB in total runs scored at 61.

And just for good measure, he’s thrown in 10 stolen bases in 13 attempts. The numbers he’s on pace to finish with are unlike any numbers we’ve ever seen by a real player. Going into the weekend series that starts Friday in Cincinnati, Pujols is on pace for a line of .337/.460/.745 with 61 HR’s, 157 RBI’s, 126 walks, and only 65 strikeouts. Tell me that wouldn’t be the greatest offensive season for an individual player in baseball history and I’ll call you a liar. Better than that, I’ll take you out back and punch you square in the nose. Then when you fall to the ground, I’ll spit at your feet and call you a punk while kicking dirt in your eyes. Go ahead and test me. No for real, I’m begging you. I just got back from a week in Jersey. I’m ready to fight, Motherfucker.

What we’ve seen from Albert Pujols in the first half of this baseball season is something we should all take a step back and acknowledge. Years from now, we’ll be telling our children and grandchildren about the season when Albert broke Maris’ HR record.

I, for one, am just thankful I’m here to witness it.

Stand tall, Old Girl. You're witnessing greatness

Did you know that a certain Major League Baseball team is currently riding an 11 game winning streak? I’ll answer that question for you. No, you did not know that. The fact is, you’ve been too busy selfishly keeping track of the daily goings-on of more popular teams. More popular teams that, incidentally, have not won 11 games in a row.

So, can you guess which team I’m talking about that’s on an 11-game winning streak? Is it the Giants? No it’s not. But I’ll give you a hint. This mystery team is in the National League.

The Marlins?

No again.

The Mariners?

No silly, they’re not even in the NL. What are you, fucking retarded? Do you even like baseball? Keep guessing.

Is it the Astros?

No but you’re getting closer.

Wait, how am I getting closer?

Well the Astros have recently lost a World Series.

Oh, so you’re saying this team also recently lost a World Series?

Precisely.

Ok, is it the Tigers?

I really hate you. No, the answer is the Colorado Rockies.

The Colorado Rockies? They’re still in the league?

On May 27th, the Rockies were in the midst of a 3-game losing streak. They had just completed the final game of a 3-game series at home against the division-leading Dodgers. Their record afterwards sat at 18 – 28 and they were in last place in the NL West. Management had seen enough, so following the loss, manager Clint Hurdle was let go. Replacing Hurdle in the interim was bench coach Jim Tracy. In a quote afterwards that may or may not be real, Tracy said of his former boss, “Hurdle is a good man, but fuck him. It’s my turn.”

And so it was.

As soon as Tracy took over, the Rockies came out like gangbusters. I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds cool. They gangbustered their way to two wins in a row against the Padres. As a result, the locals, as they say, were pumped.

“I’m pumped,” said one local after those two straight wins over the Padres in a quote that proves my previous paragraph about how the locals were pumped, albeit it in a limited sample.

Their reasons for being pumped were three-fold; Clint Hurdle was long gone, the Rockies had regained their poise, and most importantly, a local Wendy’s was giving away free chili all day on May 30th. It was a glorious time to be in Denver. But things suddenly took a turn for the worse. Offsetting Tracy’s quick start as manager, his team promptly lost 4 in a row and expectations were no longer promising.

“I’m no longer pumped. Bring back Hurdle!” fans screamed.

It was an odd time to be in Denver. Poise was gone, so was Hurdle, and that local Wendy’s was charging money for their chili again. But management was willing to give Tracy a little bit of a leash. They assured him that Hurdle was not coming back and the job was his, at least for another couple days. Tracy knew that if he wanted to get back in the race, he’d have to dominate against the lesser talented NL Central.

And dominate he would.

They started by avoiding the sweep with a convincing 10-3 win on June 4th in Houston. The next day, they were in St. Louis for the start of a 4 game series. Game 1 proved that the Rockies had once again regained their poise with an 11-4 shellacking, while game 2 showed much of the same as the Rockies dominated from start to finish, winning 10-1.

“Woo hoo, we dominated from start to finish and won 10-1!” screamed local fans.

The rest, as they say, was history.

They finished off a 4-game sweep of the Cardinals, then traveled to Milwaukee to face the Brewers. The outcomes against the Brewers were never in doubt though as Colorado won all 3 games quite handily by scores of 3-2, 4-2, and 5-4. The roadtrip was over, so back home to Denver they came for a weekend series against Seattle. This would be the test. Would they show that they were merely toying with us by dominating inferior NL Central opponents? Or would they show that they were indeed a team to be reckoned with in the National League? Rockies players chomped at the bit for an opportunity to prove their standing against a big boy American League team. Would they respond?

Oh boy would they ever!

Fans came out in droves to witness the events. Ubaldo Jimenez took the mound for the Rockies in the opener on Friday. I had to double and triple check the spelling of his name on Baseball-Reference. As it stands, Microsoft Word is going all crazy with the red squiggly lines beneath his name. That’s how popular this guy is. But Jimenez would not be denied. He’d go the distance for the win while only giving up one more walk than strikeout. For his teammates, the performance was awe-inspiring.

“Holy shit,” said teammate wearing jersey number 12. ”That performance inspired my awe. Did you see those 3 strikeouts he had? Man they were the tits. No, not “tits” with an “s”; with a “z”. Make it with a “z”. They were the titz. Now I just hope we can win our 10th in a row tomorrow.”

They would. And they’d win their 11th in a row the day after that.

Quite the ballz.

So the question now becomes, what does the future hold for this particular group of men playing this particular boy’s game? Well only time will tell us for sure, but it could be that they’re re-writing history as the best collection of baseball players ever assembled  Colorado Rockies team ever  Colorado Rockies team since 2007.

I’m just glad we’ve all been lucky enough to almost witness it.

I'm As Dumb As I Look

Dodgers @ Florida: Russell Martin, where the fuck did your power go? You’re hitting .277 (just fine), OBP’ing .394 (very nice), and slugging .328 (not a misprint). You have zero homers and six doubles. Luckily for you and the Dodgers, there are plenty of solid bats to make up for your woeful lack of power. However, tonight you’re going to have to step it up because with Eric Milton (!!!) on the bump for you, you’ll need runs. A bunch of them. ERIC MILTON! Check this out. How do guys like him still get work? Sidney Ponson just smiled because he’s no longer the worst starting pitcher in Major League Baseball.

Colorado @ Pittsburgh: Ian Snell is a guy who could be something special if he could ever figure out where the strike zone is. He has good stuff, misses a lot of bats (swinging strike average of 9% is nice), and doesn’t give up many homers. That said, his 4 walks per 9 innings so far in his career have doomed him to the 1-2 WAR middling starter territory, and I fear that’s where he’ll stay. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that, but he could have been so much more. Tonight, he takes the hill against Aaron Cook.

Cincinnati @ San Diego: Last year the Reds had the fourth worst defense in the league, according to UZR. Despite good-to-excellent defensive from Brandon Phillips, Joey Votto, and Jay Bruce, way too many innings went to Jeff “I wish I had Jeter’s Range” Keppinger, Adam Dunn, Edwin Encarnacion, and the expired corpse of Ken Griffey, Jr. This year, Keppinger, Dunn, and Griffey are gone, replaced by Willy Taveras, a now healthy (at least for now) Alex Gonzalez, and a Laynce Nix/Jerry Hairston platoon. So far this season the Reds have the third best defense in the league. Also, the team ERA is second in the NL. Coincidence? I think not.

Some more baseball here.

Enjoy your evening.

This is the only picture on the entire Internets of Micah Hoffpauir

The NL Central in mid-May is an essential tie for first between 4 teams that suck followed by an essential tie for last by 2 teams that suck even worse. How’s that for an attention-getter? If you don’t recall Roman’s format for giving you the NL East update on Tuesday, click here. I liked it so much that I’m copying it.

The Albert Pujols Award: Albert Pujols. He continues to be Albert Pujols, while leading the team in Most Inaccurate Birth Certificate. Once a week or so I like to go his ESPN player page just to see his projected stats for the year. Don’t judge me. Right now he’s on pace for 63 HR’s, 171 RBI’s, 107 walks, only 54 strikeouts, and an OPS of 1.124. That doesn’t even sound that unrealistic, does it? He’s pretty good at baseball.

The Ryan Braun Award: Ryan Braun. He continues to be Ryan Braun. He also had a pretty good week with 4 games in a row with at least 2 hits. Plus he looks like one of PJ’s close friends on “My Boys”. No not Gaffigan or the bald dude, the guy who runs a bar.

The Rickie Weeks Award: Rickie Weeks. It seems that Rickie Weeks has finally started to become Rickie Weeks. This year he’s been running like Hayes and hitting like Mays, whatever the fuck that means. Weeks still strikes out quite a bit and isn’t walking all that much, but he’s starting to kill the ball. He’s on a 3 game HR streak. He’s so fine he blows my mind (no ghey).

The Micah Hoffpauir Award: Micah Hoffpauir. This guy needs to play more. Derrek Lee needs to play less. Cub fans need a new player to blame for their failures. I’m thinking a 4-A player and career minor leaguer with odd expectations fits that bill quite nicely.

The Cincinnati Reds Award: Cincinnati Reds. You may not have noticed, but they’ve been pretty good this year. They’re coming off of an impressive sweep in Arizona and look to continue their winning ways with a weekend series in San Diego. It looks like Joey Votto and Jay Bruce have accepted their roles as offensive superstars. Votto was out a good portion of the week due to dizziness (swine flu?), but he looks to be all better. He had lots of orange juice and stuff. Don’t sleep on Cincinnati though. They’ll put up some runs and they have a pretty decent staff. Johnny Cueto is a keeper.

The Shitty Teams Award: Shitty Teams. Both of them are pretty shitty, although Pittsburgh’s run differential is currently at zero. I expect them to win a few games here and there, but lots of extended losing streaks like the 8-game one from last week. I also think the entire baseball world is coming to the realization that Andy LaRoche just isn’t any good. Then again, I’d take him in a second on my White Sox (kill me).

A Look Ahead:

Reds (6-1) This team is on quite a streak that’s brought them into a tie for first. They’re off today.

Brewers (4-2) After taking 2 of 3 from the Hateable Losers, they look to sweep the Marlins in a day game today. Dave Bush goes up against Josh Johnson in a game of Bush versus Johnson. My guess is Bush will taunt Johnson with his nice aroma, but then tell Johnson to go away. Johnson will then tackle Bush and get charged with rape.

Cardinals (2-4) The Cardinals will try to salvage a game in Pittsburgh tonight. Mitchell Boggs takes the bump for the Cards. Wait, Mitchell Boggs? Is that a real guy? This team needs Carpenter back desperately.

Cubs (4-2) Ryan Dempster will face former teammate Chad Gaudin today at Wrigley as the Cubs go for the sweep against the Padres. Gaudin will look to stick it to his old team by putting his penis in the butt of his opponents (no ghey).

Astros (4-2) They have a day game today at Colorado. Even people in Houston and Denver don’t care.

Pirates (2-4) The Pirates look to sweep the Cardinals tonight. Mitchell Boggs takes the bump for the Cards. Wait, Mitchell Boggs? Is that a real guy? That team needs Carpenter back desperately.