Your NLCS preview:

Remember this, faggy Dodger fans?

Phillies win 4 out of the next seven games.

It’s on like Donkey Kong.

In an effort to conserve our originality for the weekdays, MLJ will be running our favorite posts in the history of forever on the weekends. Kicking things off is a little ditty written by CRM when he was still an intern. Enjoy.

Cash4Gold.com Processing Center

*Phone Rings*

Jeff, CEO: Hello. Cash 4 Gold Processing Center, how can I help you?

*Jeff speaks with the caller for a few minutes and then heads down to speak with his business partners in the Cash4Gold Refinery.*

Jeff: So, I just got off the phone with a guy from NBC.

Joe, Guy In Charge Of Melting Old Unwanted Gold: NBC? Is it time to renew our contract for Last Call With Carson Daley already?

Jeff: No, we’re all set there. Read the rest of this entry »

[Scene: Ravens training facility.  The team is running through drills.  Coach Harbaugh calls Joe Flacco over to the sidelines]

Joe!  Come on over here, boy, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, coach.  What’s up?

The coaching staff and I have decided to treat this next game as a training opportunity for you.  Since it’s a preseason game and means nothing, we’re going to take advantage of it so that you can practice some new techniques in your game management. Read the rest of this entry »

Overlooked during the draft earlier this month was the fact that Mike Flacco, Joe Flacco’s brother, was drafted by the Baltimore Orioles (31st round, 926th overall).

[Scene: A baseball diamond.  Joe Flacco walks up and sees his brother Mike standing on the mound.]

Hey, Mike. Read the rest of this entry »

Earlier this week, I scored an interview with NFL quarterback Joe Flacco. Okay maybe it’s not fair to call this an interview; it was more of an IM back-and-forth. Okay maybe it’s not even fair to call it a back-and-forth. You’ll see what I mean. The point is I was able to obtain Joe’s email address, so I used that as an opportunity to try and get his thoughts on the upcoming NFL season. Below is the contents of my interview with Joe via gchat. Read the rest of this entry »

Scene: The Mets front office. Omar Minaya receives a phone call from Jerry Manuel about the need for a roster move. Read the rest of this entry »

Scene: The Arizona Diamondbacks Clubhouse. All the players are present, scattered near their lockers, the refreshment table, etc. Bob Melvin enters.

Melvin: Well guys we had a rough first series of the year. After winning our first game against the Rockies we dropped the next two without even looking competitive.

[Everyone quietly shakes their head and looks angry]

Melvin: And I think the issue here is that a lot of you don’t know your roles in this team—

Eric Byrnes [interrupting]: Totally, coach, totally. Like, when I show up to the park, Skip, I always expect there to be like, this big sign pointing to where I’m going to be playing each day. And sometimes, I’m not even in the lineup.

Melvin: There’s a reason for that Panda, and not just because you’re awful.  The reason is, I’m trying to create as unstable a team as possible.

[The players look at each other and a few murmur sounds of surprise]

Melvin: Let me explain a few things.  First and foremost, there is no way we’re going to beat the Dodgers this year.  None.  Have you seen their lineup?  It’s fucking potent by NL standards.  Because of this, my ass is going to be on the line at the end of the year.  A lot of stupid people out there think we stand a real shot of winning this division and have thus created a significant amount of expectations for me as manager.  As such, I need to make it look like I’m being innovative and edgy in my attempts to win games.

Chad Tracy: But, Skip, don’t they know that even the best manager in the world is only worth 2 or 3 wins per year?  Don’t they know that it’s micromanaging and overthinking the game that loses games? Read the rest of this entry »

[Downtown Baltimore. Sidewalk.]

(Off screen) Hey Joe! Joe! I’m your biggest fan. Do you have time to chat for a few minutes?

Flacco: (minutes pass)…I always have time for my fans.

Fan: Awesome, Joe. I’ve followed your career since your Delaware days. I was pumped when my boys drafted you. And my friends and family say I look just like you!

Read the rest of this entry »

[Baltimore Practice field.  John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco stand apart from a the rest of the offensive unit.  Troy Polamalu stands as the lone defender.]

Harbaugh: Alright, Joey here’s how it’s going to work.  We need to start working on your ability to fool the defense.  Being a quarterback requires a little trickery, you can’t get by on pure talent in the NFL.

Flacco: Oh, I know coach.  I’ve got talent oozing out of my fingernails and we didn’t win the Super Bowl this year so there has to be something more than talent.  I mean, I can talent the shit out of the ball but that doesn’t mean I’m the greatest QB of my generation just yet right? Read the rest of this entry »

[Miami, Summer of 2001:   An apartment in a Latin Neighborhood in Miami.  Men are walking around shirtless and in leather shorts.  ARod goes to visit his cousin.]

ARod: Hello?  Cousin Yuri?

Yuri: Alejandro!  Como estas?  Ay, you look so handsum today.

ARod: Cousin Yuri!  Oh I’ve missed you so much.  These months go by so fast.  I wish we could be together always.

Yuri: Ay, but we are desteened to be apart.  Like in that movie with those cowboys.

ARod: 8 Seconds?

Yuri:  Oh, Alejandro, you are so young and strong like ox.  But your youth and vigor, it will not last forever.

ARod: What do you figure, another 20, 30 years?

Yuri: No, no, no Alejandro.  You will age, like we all must age.  Ay, if only I could paint you, like Dorian Gray.  I would capture your youth and vigor forever.

ARod: Can you do that, Yuri?

Yuri: Ay, my answair is no.  I have no skeels in the art of painting.  But I do have other powers, Alejandro.

ARod: Oh, tell me, Cousin Yuri. Read the rest of this entry »