First of all, let me say that I don’t give a shit about the VMA’s. And that Kanye West is an asshole. What he did was dickish and insensitive. Should we be surprised? No. Of course not. He’s always been like this. Most of us wish his jaw was still wired shut.

Second of all, what makes this Beyonce video so great?  They’re dancing. What a groundbreaking concept. What did the storyboards look like for this video? So a flamboyantly gay black man danced on Ellen. Who gives a shit? Is dancing in an empty room is the modern day equivalent of Thriller. Whatever. I didn’t even know MTV played videos. Shouldn’t the VMA’s be moved to FUSE?

Whatever your feelings about Kanye or MTV, he did have a point. How does the Beyonce video  win Video of the Year, but not best female video? Shouldn’t Taylor Swift have won VotY? How does she have a better female video, but not the better video?

Let’s say we’re giving away awards for the most delicious food. In the category of pizza, pepperoni pizza beats pineapple pizza. Then when we get around to the tastiest food of them all, we name pineapple pizza the winner. How the fuck is pepperoni the tastier pizza, but not the tastier food? It makes no sense.

If A>B then B cannot be >A. It just can’t. That’s fucking math talking. Math. You can’t dispute math. That’s just science. Read the rest of this entry »

Philly fans go apeshit over their players. And they love nicknames. Whether it be the Flyin’ Hawaiian, J-Roll, Pete Happy, Chooch, or simply RAUUUUUUUUULLLLL!!! Fans have had a hard time coming up with a nick for newly acquired Cliff Lee. Clifford the Big Red Dog doesn’t quite cut it, considering his name is Clifton. No other play-on words have been acceptable, so we basically address him by his middle name, Phifer. This pic is God-like, and we surely do hail him as our Lord & Savior, considering the way his has pitched over the last 2 weeks. All Hail Clifton Phifer Lee.

/I’d love to give credit to the guy who created the photo, but the site that I stole it from doesn’t give any names. I did some investigative work, and this was the best I could do. He goes by the name Starfunkel.

Just found out that most insurance companies (including mine) don’t cover circumcisions anymore.  What’s that one religion where they don’t require you to clip off part of your son’s dong?  I might have to switch to that.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about how Catholic Tigers fans were being ridiculous for wanting the time of the Home Opener moved because it interfered with their Good Friday observances.  I had a lot of fun and I still look back on that post fondly (making fun of both the Tigers and Catholics fills my heart with such joy).  But now the Jets are in a (sort of) similar pickle with their Jewish fans.  Let’s take a look:

The New York Jets’ first two home games are against two of the AFC’s elite teams — the New England Patriots and Tennessee Titans. A large segment of the team’s fans might not be able to attend the heavyweight matchups, however.

The Jets’ home opener against the Patriots is scheduled during Rosh Hashanah. The next week, the Jets host the Titans hours before Yom Kippur starts. The conflict with the two holiest holidays on the Jewish calendar may keep the team’s Jewish fans who observe the holidays from attending.

New York boasts the country’s largest Jewish population.

On Wednesday, the Jets called the NFL to complain about the scheduling conflict, according to the New York Daily News.

And complain they did.  So much so that the Jets were successful in lobbying to have one of their game times changed.  The game against the Titans was moved up 3 hours so that their Jewish season ticket holders could get home before sundown when Yom Kippur starts.

I applaud our Jewish overlords and congratulate them on their ability to change the world around them.  And before you all call me a hypocrite (that’s going to happen no matter what I write, but I’ll try anyway), let me say that these two scenarios are different for many reasons. Read the rest of this entry »

Alright, friends of religious tolerance, tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year (for people, animals, and legal contracts).  As you all know, this is the time of year where Jews (even atheist half-Jews like myself) take the time to make themselves right with the world before Yom Kippur where he must then make himself right with G-d (even though god doesn’t exist).  At any rate, taking a page from Stephen Colbert’s hotline which he set up to allow Jews call him up and leave him a message apologizing for their sins against him, I am creating a forum where you may publicly list how I have wronged you.  I will then take your grievance (if I believe it to have merit) and send you a private email apologizing for my poor behavior.  Be warned, some of you might receive an apology even without publicly airing your grievance.

Shana Tova Umetukah, bitches.

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After Bill Hall had 9th inning homers on Tuesday and Wednesday, Ryan Braun provided the late inning fireworks last night.  Down 3-2 to the Cardinals with Hardy on first base, Ryan Braun sent a no doubter off Ryan Franklin to the left field bleachers.  And he stood and watched it go.  And then he watched it some more.  And then he took a couple steps toward first base while still watching the ball.  I counted 6 steps before he started his home run trot.  Who does he think he is, Manny Ramirez?

While I have a giant man crush on Braun, even I know he shouldn’t have done this.  He pimped (that’s what the baseball folks call watching your home run) a home run last year and after the game said he didn’t mean to show up the pitcher.  But he admitted he would probably get thrown at in the next game.  He did get hit, got up and took his base.  But with the bad blood between the Cardinals and the Brewers stemming from a Ned Yost and Tony LaRussa fight last year, it will be interesting to see what happens when the Brewers go to STL at the end of August.

I was originally going to do a single post detailing my night out at the game last night, but it was an event filled evening worthy of at least three, maybe four different points of conversation. For starters, anticlimactic superstar, Max Scherzer.
In case you weren’t aware of the hype surrounding Scherzer’s first start, here’s what some asshole wrote in anticipation of this momentous occasion. What an asshole.

First things first: when Scherzer first came out on the mound, my buddy leans over and says to me, “Do you think he’s one of god’s chosen people?”
“What?” I said. I’m really slow.
“You know ‘Scherzer.’ Look at him. He’s got that look.”
“What look?” I said again.
“His profile…you know.” he said. I’m the only Jewish person that any of my friends know and profile is code word for Jewish. Anybody have any input on the subject? Is Scherzer a Jew or is he some worthless schmuck like the rest of you people?

I was all set to break out a new graphic: the Scherzermeter. This meter would measure Mad Max’s progress throughout the year. On one extreme would be Jake Peavy, the hard throwing Padre ace; on the other end Johnny Cueto the promising rookie from the Reds who started strong but had since fallen off. Two things happened. For starters, Scherzer couldn’t even equal Cueto’s impressive start. For finishers, Cueto had a good outing last night, striking out 8 over 7 innings while only giving up three earned runs in the win. Thanks for blowing up my spot, guys. It would have been a kickass graphic.

Scherzer’s final line wasn’t awful for a first major league start, but the numbers don’t tell the whole story. He went 4 innings and gave up 5 runs (only 2 earned which is deceiving–he was way worse than 2 earned runs) with 7 hits, 2 walks, a wild pitch and a hit batter. He couldn’t get his off speed stuff* over for a strike which was kind of limiting because he doesn’t really have a lot of movement on his fastball. The GameDay visuals over at mlb.com are chockful of good information and prove my point up and down the screen but it’s late and I’m tired and I’ve got more stuff to do. If you don’t think I’m right, argue with me. I love arguing.

Oh yeah. Word is, he’s going to start again in five days. Against the Cubs. On national television. I hope he doesn’t do anything embarrassing.

By the way, the only thing more disappointing than Scherzer was the feeling in the crowd when Edgar Gonzales started warming up in the pen and then entered in the fifth. He promptly gave up 4 runs.

*Scherzer’s off speed stuff was still about 2-3 MPH faster than Moyer’s fastball.

I was originally going to do a single post detailing my night out at the game last night, but it was an event filled evening worthy of at least three, maybe four different points of conversation. For starters, anticlimactic superstar, Max Scherzer.
In case you weren’t aware of the hype surrounding Scherzer’s first start, here’s what some asshole wrote in anticipation of this momentous occasion. What an asshole.

First things first: when Scherzer first came out on the mound, my buddy leans over and says to me, “Do you think he’s one of god’s chosen people?”
“What?” I said. I’m really slow.
“You know ‘Scherzer.’ Look at him. He’s got that look.”
“What look?” I said again.
“His profile…you know.” he said. I’m the only Jewish person that any of my friends know and profile is code word for Jewish. Anybody have any input on the subject? Is Scherzer a Jew or is he some worthless schmuck like the rest of you people?

I was all set to break out a new graphic: the Scherzermeter. This meter would measure Mad Max’s progress throughout the year. On one extreme would be Jake Peavy, the hard throwing Padre ace; on the other end Johnny Cueto the promising rookie from the Reds who started strong but had since fallen off. Two things happened. For starters, Scherzer couldn’t even equal Cueto’s impressive start. For finishers, Cueto had a good outing last night, striking out 8 over 7 innings while only giving up three earned runs in the win. Thanks for blowing up my spot, guys. It would have been a kickass graphic.

Scherzer’s final line wasn’t awful for a first major league start, but the numbers don’t tell the whole story. He went 4 innings and gave up 5 runs (only 2 earned which is deceiving–he was way worse than 2 earned runs) with 7 hits, 2 walks, a wild pitch and a hit batter. He couldn’t get his off speed stuff* over for a strike which was kind of limiting because he doesn’t really have a lot of movement on his fastball. The GameDay visuals over at mlb.com are chockful of good information and prove my point up and down the screen but it’s late and I’m tired and I’ve got more stuff to do. If you don’t think I’m right, argue with me. I love arguing.

Oh yeah. Word is, he’s going to start again in five days. Against the Cubs. On national television. I hope he doesn’t do anything embarrassing.

By the way, the only thing more disappointing than Scherzer was the feeling in the crowd when Edgar Gonzales started warming up in the pen and then entered in the fifth. He promptly gave up 4 runs.

*Scherzer’s off speed stuff was still about 2-3 MPH faster than Moyer’s fastball.