After last month’s debacle in which we got this up super duper late, I decided to get on the ball with April’s Jerk of the Month. This commenter burst onto the scene in recent months, and he has one of the best commenter names out there. Ladies and gentlemen, Paris Hilton’s Lazy Eye

1. First off, as we do with most of our Jerks of the Month, give us your story on how you found your way to MLJ:

I started out reading TBL and after a while got tired of reading extremely uninformed opinions about sports. TBL is like a sports blog for 12 year old neo conservative girls. I read some of the MLJ authors’ comments and thought I should take a look and confirm that you should all be wearing helmets. Surprisingly I found a place where I could make fun of people for being different than me, without the fear of someone trying to steal my identity, and that is the American way. It wasn’t until later that I learned that this blog is just another attempt for the Jews to control the media.

2. There are tons of great commenter names, but Paris Hilton’s Lazy Eye is one of the more original/hilarious out there. How on earth did you come up with it? Read the rest of this entry »

The Big Lead’s interview series has nothing on the Jerk of The Month. This month we have the one, the only, Tampa Bo. TB burst onto the commenting scene much in the same way the Tampa Bay Rays burst onto the major league baseball scene last year. Tampa is much funnier though. He’s also a White Sox and Bears fan, which is a problem, but unlike every White Sox and/or Bears fan I’ve met he’s not a total waste of life, so he’s got that going for him.

Oh, and I know it’s March. I know it’s the 2nd week of March. But I was busy, so deal.

1. First off Tampa, how did you find your way to our little slice of paradise?

I was just chillin at TBL and this asshole was talkin about how Michigan sucks (guess who) and that didn’t set right. [ed. that could have been like 50 people.] Clicked on his bitch ass link and bam I entered some shithole site but it wasn’t about the site it was about the people. People who thought like me. People who think rape jokes and race jokes are funny. And it’s all good because there is a Jew, a Mexican, an Italian guy and a lot of other races that aren’t as funny. Then I met the infamous RexKramerDangerSeeker who wrote a piece about going to a Browns game with a Brady Quinn jersey and comparing it to “White Like Me.” I originially thought you guys were a bunch of talentless pillow biters. But then I learned there is a madness behind these abstract literary pieces and I was fascinated. My favorite piece is the one Spencer wrote about the White Sox. Fucking gold. Although it was filled with hate for my favorite team I found it very amusing because the Indians suck. Read the rest of this entry »

So me and my gay magician friend were hanging out this weekend: catching a Spring Training game and talking about baseball related subjects when the conversation* turned to favorite punching bag Dan Shaughnessy.

Hef: God I hate that guy.
MGMF: He’s the worst.
Hef: Everyone hates that guy.
MGMF: Seriously, the entire city of Boston hates that guy except the racists and the homophobes.
Hef: So…
MGMF: Like half the city.

Shaughnessy is best known, not only for his willingness, but for the pleasure he takes in alienating players and oversimplifying every subject into one of two memes:

Meme 1: We’re cursed.  This meme disappeared after 2004 and he has been struggling ever since.  Before that?  Fucking A, everything under the sun was fair game.  Why did the Sox lose to the Yankees in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS?  Was it because Grady left Pedro in too long?  Fuck no, it was because the team was cursed.  Why didn’t Mo Vaughn reach his potential?  Was it because he was a fat, roid-head** without any thought of the team?  What are you, retahded?  It’s because of Babe Ruth?  Why doesn’t Carl Everett believe in dinosaurs?  Is it because he’s a self-righteous asshole who believes in a literal interpretation of the Bible?  No it’s because–okay, maybe that one’s true.  But the Sox signed him because they’re cursed.

Meme 2: There are Boston guys and non-Boston guys.  Boston guys are “blue collar” and “gritty.”  They work hard and don’t care about stats.  They go the extra mile and give everything they have to the city of Boston because they know the fans give everything they have right back to them.  Non-Boston guys are black.

So after the conversation turned to DS this weekend I felt like checking out his latest column to see what he was up to these days.

Turns out, not much. Read the rest of this entry »

Joe Louis is remembered as, arguably, the greatest boxer in history, but what goes relatively unknown is the impact that he had on the game of golf.  A longtime fan of the game (and a known gambler who was reported to have once lost $20,000 in a single round) Louis was a golf addict in a time when racial tensions were at an all-time high and African American golfers were relegated to playing dirt tracks and dollar munis.  In 1952, Louis was invited, along with several other African American golfers to play in the San Diego Open, a watershed moment for the PGA, but also a controversial one.

When the PGA found out what the San Diego Open was attempting to do in spite of the rule in the PGA rule book stating that only Caucasian golfers were allowed entry into PGA events, they initially protested, but because of Joe Louis’ incredible fame and sporting accomplishments, eventually, the color barrier was broken, and the bylaw was removed.  This paved the way for great black golfers like Calvin Peete and Jim Brown (no, not that one) to make their name on the Tour, and without Louis’ efforts, Tiger Woods wouldn’t have sniffed the game. Read the rest of this entry »

I didn’t have any clue how to introduce this month’s jerk, so I asked him for some advice.

You can pretty much just make fun of the fact that we’re not a real blog, we’re more of a biannual internet magazine for people that hate Cleveland sports teams and anything Ohio State related.

Hate Cleveland sports teams? Check. Hate Ohio State? Check. Love tastless jokes and off-color humor? Check. I’m in. You know him simply as Cursed, and he is our Jerk of the Month for January. And hey, he didn’t have to botch a major college football story to get that honor (or spell a word in the URL wrong).

Read the rest of this entry »

In a revelation that has the whole world stunned, D. Baxter, the mascot for the Arizona Diamondbacks, has admitted that he is not a snake and he has no idea why he’s the mascot in the first place.  Also, he was arrested three weeks ago for driving with a BAC at nearly double the legal limit.

[D. Baxter] was pulled over off the Loop 101at 95th Avenue and Peoria on Sept. 10, according to an Arizona Department of Public Safety report.

According to the report, an officer spotted Hamilton traveling approximately 95 mph on the 101.

Hamilton, who was driving a Toyota Scion bearing the Diamondbacks’ logo, had a blood-alcohol level of 0.155, according to the result of a toxicology report. That’s close to twice the legal limit of .08. He also admitted to officers that he had smoked marijuana earlier in the day.

Again, to recap:

1. The guy who plays the macot for the Diamondbacks (a type of rattlesnake) was arrested for driving 95MPH while extremely intoxicated–the Bobcat costume was in the back seat.

And

2. He’s not a snake despite the team name.  Tune in next week when we discuss the Phoenix Suns mascot being a gorilla.

One of the flagship features here at MLJ is the Jerk of The Month. This month’s Jerk is Sparty of Sparty and Friends, who won the opportunity to be Jerk of the Month for some reason or another, I can’t remember. Great lead in, I know. Read the rest of this entry »