ParisHiltonsLazyEye is one of our favorite regular commenters around here along with cbh, younglefty, Triston, bbryan, mrejr, Tuck Pendleton, sparty and peeps, Tampa, AC Digits, ark, and Clarence (did I miss anyone? Oh hi bobo and bob). He’s also a Detroit Tigers fan, so we figured there would be nobody better than him to provide some thoughts on the team’s recent trade of Curtis Granderson to the Yankees. We like to keep our commentary biased around here. Paris, the floor is all yours.

When Happy first e-mailed me and asked if I had any thoughts on the Detroit Tigers trading Curtis Granderson, I thought I would type up a masterpiece filled with “relevant stats” and “facts”. But due to my shitty week at work as well as the Tigers throwing in the towel for the 2010 season, you are going to get my opinion and you are going to fucking like it because it costs you nothing to read the website (click the ads). Read the rest of this entry »

Longtime friend and supporter of the blog (as well as founder of the greatest Surfing blog evar!), The Nug, has decided to take it upon himself to write up a bunch of nonsense about how Notre Dame is going to beat USC this weekend. Since I’m not one to discourage guest posts–plus I figure you assholes will crap all over him on your own–I’ve decided to run the post without edit or comment. Except this one: The Nug is crazy.

This Saturday will be the greatest college football game in history…or at least the greatest of this first half of the season.

I’ve been to every USC/Notre Dame game since the now infamous “Bush Push” game in 2005. It’s been a long 5 years. Last year at the South Central Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, I hit rock bottom. At the beginning of the fourth quarter the Notre Dame offense finally got a first down. I took another pull off the bottle of Crown Royal I smuggled into the stadium while the USC faithful gave the ND offense a mocking standing ovation. I cried. I should have quit right then and there. But I am not Sarah Palin.

This year I won’t need as much liquor to get me through the game.

Let’s take a look at the teams… Read the rest of this entry »

The following is the guest post from esteemed commenter Paris Hilton Lazy Eye. If you would like to chime in with your own guest post, please, for the love of all thing holy, email it to Hef.

As you all have probably heard about by now, Miggy Cabrera decided to prepare for one of the most important games of the season by getting absolutely obliterated and getting in a domestic dispute after coming home around 6 am. Because I know you are all interested, I wanted to share my thoughts about this with you. Don’t complain, at least this isn’t about Eli Manning.

Cabrera has been the best hitter on the Tigers this year and it isn’t even close. The fact that he has been able to put up the numbers he has while being surrounded by a bunch of guys whose batting styles resemble a gorilla humping a pumpkin is nothing short of amazing. Without Cabrera, the Tigers probably finish down near the basement with team AIDS. Read the rest of this entry »

If you haven’t noticed lately, we Jerks have been pretty busy with our real jobs.  But never fear, we have brought in a well known blogger to cover our NFL Power Rankings each week.  He’s asked us to keep his true identity a secret so we’ll just have to refer to him as Intern Jace.

There is nothing better in the world of sports than a list clearly defining which is team is better than another team because it removes any and all speculation from the equation.  Sports are difficult business to tie down some days and creating an easy reference guide on a weekly basis is a real time saver.

Here’s our reference for you.

1. Cowboys: This team leads the league in talent and entertainment.  I don’t know what it is about Tony Romo but he has superstar written all over him.  Have you seen the ladies he’s had on his arm?  I’ve friended most of them on Facebook.  And to address this little bit of doubt, let me just say that if everyone says one thing, I’ll always say the opposite.  Sure I might be wrong a billion times, but the only thing anyone will remember is the time I was the only one who was right.
2. Jets: My favorite team in all of football now that they too have an attractive ladies man as QB, I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally root for a potentially good team that isn’t way on the other side of the country.  Do you know how hard it is to stay up and cheer for the Lakers when the Knicks suck?
3. Steelers: This team has more rings than any other team on this list in the last year.  Big Ben is easily the best QB in all of football that isn’t as attractive as Tony Romo. Sure they sometime play closely contested overtime games that are snoozers but wins are all that matters.
4. 49ers: Name me another unbeaten team that has beaten a former division winner.  You can’t do it can you?  Easily the best team west of Dallas.
5. Ravens: Joe Flacco could be the best QB in the league behind Big Ben, Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo.  And I think he might be bringing the unibrow back into fashion.  We don’t particularly like the unibrow but if it comes into fashion who are we to do anything other than follow the trend.  We’re only human.
6. Rams: We don’t like their offense or defense or special teams, but any team that’s good for Artie Lange is good for us. Read the rest of this entry »

Major League Jerk is nothing if not a dictatorship set up to crush your spirits and mock your feeble attempts at writing.  But, when someone sends us something that’s already typed up, we don’t even bother reading it before we press “publish.”  This time it was loyal friend, father, and commenter Tampa Bo who sent us shit that we agreed to post.  I hope it doesn’t get us arrested.

Every year HBO stops showing shitty movies to get us ready for Football season with their masterful creation “Hard Knocks”. I love this show, it gives you the real deal on how, according to the mainstream media, these “Criminals” get down. This year its the Cincinnati Bengals who are oddly enough not the worst team in Ohio. I hear Cincinnati is not a shit hole like Cleveland but I’m never going to Ohio in my life so I’ll just have to take their word for it. Read the rest of this entry »

Gonzo is a former writer at MajorLeagueJerk.com and is currently Director of Field Trips at a montessori school in Northeast Philadelphia.

I received an email from Clown last night that said, “Do you want to write a guest post about the Eagles signing Michael Vick“? I responded by reciting the rules of the restraining order I placed against him months ago after the incident at the Blue Oyster. I paid you in full, now stop bothering me.

At any rate, I agreed. Michael Vick signed a one year deal with the Eagles last night, and all of the white people in Philly are atwitter over this signing. My feelings? I like it. The Eagles already have one overrated QB (according to Spencer), why not two? Vick is an average passer, but a terrific rusher. He has the killer instinct (no pun intended) to change the scope of a game with his legs. Heck, if he had any decent receivers aside from Algie Crumpler in the ATL, his stats would be a lot better than 71 passing TD’s and 52 INT’s in parts of 6 seasons.Quite frankly, Vick isn’t going to play much, if at all. Kevin Kolb is the heir apparent to the QB throne whenever McNabb decides to leave town.

But let’s get to the nitty gritty. Read the rest of this entry »

What do you mean I shouldn't pitch from my knees?

I remember was at Buffalo Wild Wings when I heard the news that the Tigers were trading for Miggy Cabrera and the D-Train. At first I thought that my 4th Blue Moon was causing me to see things on the ESPN ticker, so I asked my friends and they had all seen the same thing, I quietly pondered spending the fall watching the Tigers win the World Series. The whole state was excited, the Tigers had just made an improbable run to the World Series and now management had decided to spend some money on one of the best hitters in the game. Detroit was going to be the Artie Lange of Major League Baseball. I was anticipating watching the Tigers lineup batter the rest of the AL, but I was also intrigued about the possibility of having a former 20 game winner on our pitching staff.

Two weeks after the trade, Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski made the inspired* decision to sign D-Train to a 3 year, 29 Million dollar contract. At this point, Dombrowski could do no wrong as he had led the Tigers to the fall classic just three years after losing 119 games. However, a few were concerned about Dontrelle’s decline in the past year and the fact that in 2006 he led the majors in hit batters with 19. Read the rest of this entry »

The College World Series starts tomorrow and a couple of us around these parts have a vested interest in the outcome.  And because he won’t shut up about it longtime commenter and sometime friend, arkbadger, gave us a preview of each of the 8 teams remaining.

Oh, and for what it’s worth, this site predicts the smart money’s on the Sun Devils.  I think that site is smart.

Arizona State Sun Devils

Arizona State is 49-12 on the season and breezed through their regional and super regional, and were never really tested in either, which is impressive considering they had Clemson in the super regional. The longest losing streak they had all season was 2 games, and that only happened twice (at Arkansas and at Oregon St.). Arizona State’s pitching staff has the lowest era in the nation at 2.78, they are 9th in strikeouts/9 I.P with 9.3, and 3rd in hits/9 I.P. with 7.82. Mike Leake is the ace of the staff, and by ace I mean he is bad mo-fo. 16-1 with a 1.36 era, with 150 strikeouts and opponents bat .175 against him. He was the 8th overall pick in the first round by the Reds. Yeah, he’s pretty good. The SunDevils are no slouch at the plate either batting .305 as a team, average 8.0 runs a game, and have a .496 slugging average. What impresses me most about the Sun Devils at the plate is their patience with 358 walks on the year. Jason Kipnis is the top hitter for Arizona State with a .385 average, 16 homers and 71 RBI’s. He was taken by the Indians with the 63rd overall pick in the draft. Looking at those numbers it’s tough to pick against Arizona State, except that they have to play North Carolina in their first game, and if they survive that game, most likely Texas in the second game. Still, with the depth of pitching that they have, it would not surprise me in the least to see the Sun Devils in the championship round in Omaha. Read the rest of this entry »

As a writer for MLJ there are two things I love: community participation, and being lazy. Today, we get to experience both of those things. Commenter mrejr + a bunch of numbers is here to give us a post for today. It’s MMA heavy, and I have no idea what half that stuff means, but less work for me is awesome.  This was originally going to be a QS but things happened and now it isn’t.

And the Joe Mauer picture? Well let’s just say his suggestion wasn’t MLJ friendly. If you want to see it though, wait to get home as it’s NSFW, and go here

Without further ado…
Good morning jerks! It is I, mrejr234. Today’s Quality Start topic will be UFC 98. The  main event consists of two guys who have never suffered a loss in the Octagon, “Sugar” Rashad Evans and Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida. This fight will determine who Quinton “Rampage Jackson gets to fight for the lightheavyweight title.

The rest of the card looks like this:
Main Card:
Middleweight bout:Drew McFedries vs. Xavier Foupa-Pokam
Middleweight bout:Dan Miller vs. Chael Sonnen
Lightweight bout:Sean Sherk vs.Frank Edgar

Preliminary Card:
Welterweight bout: Brock Larson vs.Chris Wilson
Heavyweight bout: Patrick Barry vs. Tim Hague
Lightweight bout: Phillipe Nover vs.  Kyle Bradley
Light Heavyweight bout: Krzysztof Soszynski vs. Andre Gusmao
Welterweight bout: Yoshiyuki Yoshida vs. Brandon Wolff
Lightweight bout: Dave Kaplan vs. George Roop

p.s. i hope i didnt step on CRM’s toes with the mma post.

Every Monday, pkiguy stops in and drops truth bombs on our asses about fantasy baseball.  A bonus nugget of his wisdom: he told me the government is injecting HIV into our chicken nuggets.

One of the biggest myths surrounding the fantasy baseball world is that you have to watch a ton of games to be successful. When I first started playing, I believed this to be true and so I watched so many games that I was almost burnt out on baseball by June. Today, I mostly just watch the Twins and will flip to another game during commercials or when Gardie goes to the pen. While it is definitely helpful to watch some games that don’t involve your favorite team, reading box scores and game recaps the next day can be just as helpful and will let you be able to spend some time off your couch.

OUCH!

Let’s go take at your medical chart: Read the rest of this entry »