*as told by Bob Knight

10. Gatorade: ELECTROLYTES?!?!!?  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

When I was in the Army we didn’t have nonsense like “Gatorade.”  We got our ration of one hogshead of water every fortnight and that’s the way we liked it.

9. Film Study: What better way to enhance your performance than by finding your opponent’s tendencies beforehand?  How isn’t this performance enhancing if you already know what’s coming?  CHEATER!!!

8. A Stable Social Life: I mean, having a close-knit group of family and friends that don’t try and take advantage of you and make sure you’re in a good mental state OBVIOUSLY enhances your performance, am I right?  I’m Bob fucking Knight, so you don’t have to answer that question.

/throws chair

7. Puppies!!!: If you don’t want to give your all after seeing a puppy, well, I don’t know what to tell you.  I’ll prove it.

Ready? Read the rest of this entry »

We here at Major League Jerk are not above tooting our own horns. In fact, we’re not above anything. So when our predictions come true, we not only write a post about it, we send links to everybody we know. Earlier this week, I was bitching and moaning about the Panda’s current 6-62 streak and predicted that he would change his entrance music due to his superstitious nature. Well guess what, loyal reader, there’s a reason you trust my judgment (you do, right?). Eric Byrnes no longer enters to The Outfield’s “Use Your Love” as I so brilliantly predicted. Instead, he is relying on Van Halen’s “Jump” to get the crowd excited. Quick question, has Eric Byrnes listened to a song written after 1988? We’ve got enough music nerds on this site, I’m sure we can create him mixtape (I think I just qualified this post for a Homosexuality? tag…yup, I did.). Oh, I forgot the best part. That sumabitch hit a homerun in his second at bat of the night. His first homerun in 42 weeks*. Loyal reader, when your thirst for baseball insight is not quenched at the wells of mainstream media, remember, at Major League Jerk, the water is fine.

Update: Byrnes has a multi hit, multi RBI game. That music really did the trick. Oh, and if you think his nickname is changing just because he managed to to turn it into an 8-65 streak, you’re out of your mind. Byrnes is the Panda. The Panda is Byrnes.

*We stand by all numbers printed on this site

We here at Major League Jerk are not above tooting our own horns. In fact, we’re not above anything. So when our predictions come true, we not only write a post about it, we send links to everybody we know. Earlier this week, I was bitching and moaning about the Panda’s current 6-62 streak and predicted that he would change his entrance music due to his superstitious nature. Well guess what, loyal reader, there’s a reason you trust my judgment (you do, right?). Eric Byrnes no longer enters to The Outfield’s “Use Your Love” as I so brilliantly predicted. Instead, he is relying on Van Halen’s “Jump” to get the crowd excited. Quick question, has Eric Byrnes listened to a song written after 1988? We’ve got enough music nerds on this site, I’m sure we can create him mixtape (I think I just qualified this post for a Homosexuality? tag…yup, I did.). Oh, I forgot the best part. That sumabitch hit a homerun in his second at bat of the night. His first homerun in 42 weeks*. Loyal reader, when your thirst for baseball insight is not quenched at the wells of mainstream media, remember, at Major League Jerk, the water is fine.

Update: Byrnes has a multi hit, multi RBI game. That music really did the trick. Oh, and if you think his nickname is changing just because he managed to to turn it into an 8-65 streak, you’re out of your mind. Byrnes is the Panda. The Panda is Byrnes.

*We stand by all numbers printed on this site