The first domino has fallen.

Randy Lerner, fresh off his perch lording above Aston Villa…Manor, has started to stir things up in a league where pants are worn, and boys’ souls are tolled.  You gotta pay the troll toll, if you wanna get into that boy’s soul…

Where was I?  Right…Mangina’s John Bobbit-ing.  The Kok has been sliced off in a glorious bris and escorted out into a Lincoln Town Car under the bright lights of local news cameras.  And thank fucking God.  This asshole got fleeced on draft day, fleeced in the Braylon Edwards deal and basically didn’t have a single fucking clue what the hell he was doing as a GENERAL FUCKING MANAGER.

Nice hire Mangini.  And now comes word that Randy Lerner wants to hire a Bill Parcells type overlord to see over his fiefdom of rust colored gridiron poppycock, which probably means your ass is going to be shipped off to the nearest curb as soon as the ink is dry on your buyout check.

The Mangini countdown starts…NOW!!!

This is Indians owner Larry Dolan...I'll give a sawbuck to the man who brings me his head.

So the Tribe traded Mark DeRosa this weekend for…

…wait for it…

a relief pitcher with a mid-90’s fastball, wicked slider and…an ERA over 4.40 in the shitty division and a player to be named later which, based on standings projections, could turn out to be the 3rd best prospect in the Cardinals farm system.

Pardon me if I lack enthusiasm, Indians organization.

See…I’m what you would call a wise investor.  I don’t like to spend money on things that I know I won’t get a return on because, frankly, I’d be stupid to.  I know I’m not going to get my money’s worth from this shitty organization for more than a few reasons, and I pray you pay attention.

Read the rest of this entry »

UPDATE: No more golf today.

Lousy Smarch weather…

Well, unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot to update seeing as Bethpage Black is underwater at parts and the player’s lounge looks like this (courtesy Ian Poulter’s twitter).  The first group made it to 11, and frankly, the prospect of more golf today isn’t looking good at all…well, for these guys because I’m hitting the range first thing after work.  MWAHAHAHAH.

Anyways…what can I tell you of substance?

After the jump, find out. Read the rest of this entry »

I woke up this morning thinking to myself, “you know, the Cavs are really only a few lucky bounces away from being up 3-1 in this series, why should I give up hope?”  Then I remembered what God-forsaken hell-hole I was born into and realized that it’s all futile, because even if the Cavs do pull out the unimaginable, they’d just get rolled again, not because they’re the worse team, but because God, or whatever higher power you believe in, hates Cleveland, the city, but hates their sports teams even more.

It hurts.  Not just the fact that I wake up every morning and look out the sky and see nothing but gray, it’s that every little ounce of hope I have is completely and utterly squashed under the fist of something I can’t explain.  It’s not like I haven’t witnessed great teams either…the mid 90’s Indians were the best offensive team in the history of the game, the 1998 Ohio State Buckeyes literally fielded an NFL roster, but this Cavs team was something completely different.

But before we get into what the Cavs’ fuckery has done to my brain, lets look at the other side of this series.  The Orlando Magic are a team full of yeast infected vaginas, coached by a pederast, who’s mere presence on the basketball court makes me want to throw up.  Don’t mistake this for sour grapes, because they are extremely talented and an absolute nightmare of a matchup for the Cavs, but at the same time, I find it hard to really give credit to a team that, outside of Dwight Howard, doesn’t have one testicle between them. Read the rest of this entry »

I can’t even make this up. I will just quote this and move on with my life and torture Spencer’s at the same time: Read the rest of this entry »

Why do the Eagles win today?  Mostly because Roman is due to have his heart crushed after all that smack this week.  Spence and I, as fans of all things Cleveland go through it year round, so why shouldn’t an obnoxious New Yorker?   Why else?  Because Li’l Ramona War Helmet is a closet Philly fan.  I picked up that little factoid from a reliable source other than /jmorris.  But, in all sincerity, it’s because of those badass Philly beards.  In an exclusive interview with Keif Berman (/tampa bo’d) and his ESPN cohorts this morning, MLJ has learned that the Eagles have collectively grown a lucky beard that will be carrying them to a win over the Gigantics of New York, aka The Fraud York WeaselCheaters of New Jersey.  In that same exclusive, when asked what the most annoying thing about growing the beard was, Coach/God Andy Reid had this to say, “Cheese Whiz.  The Cheese Whiz off those cheese steaks gets in there.  It’s annoying.”.  Can’t argue you with that.

MLJ "artist" rendering of Andrew Walter "Andy" Reid

Read the rest of this entry »

Initial Reaction (5:45 pm): My Browns fandom is being questioned to its very core. This feels like loving something so much you’d do anything for “it” and eventually you reach a pivotal moment where you’re forced to ask yourself the question, “am I getting any return on my emotional investment?”

Upon hearing about the hire of Eric Mangini, I have reached that point with my beloved Cleveland Browns…I don’t know if I can put in the time and psychological effort into following something I know is dying.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m sure, by now, you’ve all heard this quote from Tim McCarver:

“It’s extraordinary — the dichotomy between what he was in Boston and what he is in Los Angeles,” McCarver said. “I mean, talk about wearing out your welcome in a town, and it was a long welcome with the Red Sox [team stats]. But some of the things he did were simply despicable, “despicable — like not playing, refusing to play. Forgetting what knee to limp on. And now it’s washed, it’s gone.”

The most telling sentence in that entire quote, to me, is, “it’s gone.”  Not relating to Manny or anything to do with the Red Sox, but in terms of McCarver’s credibility as a capable baseball analyst.

See, I have no problem inserting your opinion as a journalist about this situation if you have any credibility.  If you’re smart and well-spoken/written, there’s no problem with voicing your opinion on Manny’s exodus from that racist hellhole in New England, but that’s where my problem lies…Tim McCarver is an absolute joke, a douche of epic proportions who not only ruins playoff baseball games, but actually succeeds in making all viewers more retarded.

McCarver’s stance that Manny’s acting out was a pox on the Sox (heehee) is so shortsighted, he should be fired immediately.  Yes, fired, as this is the straw that has completed the pile of straws on the corpse of the camel with a broken back.  In that melange of smart sounding words and intelligent sheen did you ever see any real insight into the Manny thing?  No, and that about sums up McCarver’s career in a nutshell. Read the rest of this entry »

This is the only thing that kept me from destroying the East side of Cleveland this weekend...Golf is therapeutic.

I’m an optimist, I really am. I always try and see the good things rather than dwelling on the bad side. Actually, let me rephrase that opening. I’m immature, I really am. I always focus on the good things and totally neglect the bad side because it totally harshes my buzz…MAN.

Really, shouldn’t we all be this way? Why should we focus on the negative aspects of life when we really should be celebrating the great things that humans are capable of? Isn’t it more rewarding to see someone else succeed rather than get pummeled into bolivian (that’ll never get old…thanks Mike Tyson)? Of course it is.

There’s a famous Biblical story of Job, the man whose faith was tested by God through a series of heart-breaking trials, which I briefly mentioned during last week’s meltdown when I heard the news about Beanie Wells. But throughout all of Job’s tribulations, he never wavered, always keeping the faith, always believing that he’ll be rewarded in the end.

Now, I’m not crazy enough to parallel my family being killed, livestock being diseased and possessions destroyed to Ohio State and the Browns shitting all over the place, but there is a metaphorical corollary between our situations. Plus, it’s the Bible, who really knows if any of that shit happened to Job? OOO…Bible burn. I’m so going to hell. Read the rest of this entry »

This is what came up when I googled 'kill me now.'

For all the bitching I’ve done here recently, I really should’ve just put a Category called “God Hates Spencer,” because that’s what it sure feels like.  Job ain’t got shit on me.

Because football season is here, and I’ve already been dragged behind a pickup truck once this year with the Tribe, I’m creating said category, and it’ll be mostly to chronicle the most gut wrenching, ass kicking, boner holstering slap that God has bestowed upon me by rooting for such shitty football teams.  Oh, and thank you Clown, today’s Quality Start really was nice, it’s almost as if you aren’t a cock sniffing, pederast.

First off, I want to thank the Cleveland Browns.  Thank you guys, for a whole offseason of hope and wonder, only to shit the bed with such a mediocre performance that I wonder if you even broke a sweat.  See, it wasn’t that they suck, it’s that just didn’t give a rat’s ass about whether or not they performed well in front of a national audience.  I think Braylon Edwards would rather be in Hollywood getting his name on billboards and in commercials rather than CATCHING A FUCKING BALL YOU FUCKING RETARD.  Seriously, Braylon, you’re supposed to RECIEVE the ball thrown to you which is why the position you make un-godly amounts of money play is called the WIDE RECIEVER.

Next target…oh, I’m getting riled up now, fucking Derek Anderson.  Dude…you rocked last year because you got rid of the ball, not because you hung onto it like a taller Charlie Frye.  Now you’re making me ACTIVELY want to see Brady Quinn in there?  You want me to root for THAT dude?  Fuck you.

And the biggest asshole who pissed me off this morning…Clown himself.  Hey asshole, God forbid that a team overlook some shithole team like Ohio because they have USC coming up next week.  God forbid that the Buckeyes NOT show everything they have, giving USC a ton of tape, against some school known only for partying and Halloween.  God forbid that your arrongant, cock smuggling ass, not be a total bonerholster, but that’d be asking way too much of you (and much less fun).

Pete Carroll is getting a sweatervest shoved up his ass.  And, I don’t care if the Bucks win or lose, some way or another, Pete Carroll will have a sweatervest in his butthole.

T-minus 8 hours till I can chemically distract myself.