So yesterday, Hef asked me why I hadn’t jumped on the Michigan hate train that’s (not really) rolling across the country due in part to the infractions of their football team against something or other I’m neither smart enough nor attention span-gifted enough to comprehend.

And during the course of writing a snarky reply that wasn’t funny at all, a sick feeling came over me.  I actually feel sympathetic towards Michigan through all this…not because of their struggles on the field, mind you, but because the program isn’t under attack from the NCAA, no…it’s much worse, but we’ll touch on that in a second.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m scarlet-blooded enough to relish any opportunity, even over the most simple of transgressions, to bash the living shit out of everything Michigan, but with this?  I just can’t man…it’s so fucking retarded.  Let me boil it down for you, in case you don’t know what’s up…Rich Rod didn’t do a good enough job recording when and how long his team practiced.  There were some sketchy notes taken by a grad assistant.  Rich Rod’s team may, or may not have practiced too much…and really, that’s about it, as far as I can gather.

Here’s the problem though…how can I cast stones when I’m almost 150% positive that Senator Tressel is doing the exact same thing, and probably to a greater and more efficient extent (I mean OSU IS much better than Michigan, after all)?  And WHY would I want to?  I fuckin’ love college football, and having a team that’s consistently above average kicks a whole bunch of ass.  Have you ever made a right turn without using your turn signal?  Fuck yea you have…and that’s about all this bullshit with Michigan is, the NCAA equivalent of driving 5 mph over the speed limit.

But… Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I like spending time with my family but there’s just too much that’s fucked up with the holidays for me to actually enjoy it.  I absolutely HATE the process of getting gifts.  Ordering shit requires me to actually remember and motivate my ass to get people things…and even then, I usually get this disappointed look from my mother who thinks that I should be wasting my time in malls and stores and whatnot because it means I actually put effort into this.

Fuck that…I usually knock out all my shit in one day, usually in one store.  But that’s the thing…whereas in every other fucking fortnight of the year, I’d be able to get in and out in 20 minutes, I have to do the whole Christmas thing.  I have to drive for an hour, avoiding Escalades and Yukons driven by 5′ soccer moms who can’t even fucking see over the wheel, just in hopes of actually finding a parking spot.  Then, I have to elbow my way through a sea of festively adorned children and over-caffeinated parents who react like Claude Lemiuex whenever I shove their children into a fountain with $1,000 worth of pennies in it.

I’m SOOOOO sorry I threw little Madelyn or Madyson or whatever bastardized spelling of a child’s name you decided to give your kid in order to make your family look like they’re straight out of a fucking J. Crew catalog.  Fuck that noise.  I HATE stupid spellings of kids’ names.  I mean, I fucking hate the name my parents gave me*, and can sympathize with these kids…man, it’s rough.

*A quick aside…my parents are both hippies.  My mom is a type-A, rip your fucking heart out Sicilian woman who is the only person on the planet who legitimately scares the living fuck out of me, but she’s still a hippie.  My dad?  Despite being 6′4″ insists on wearing cowboy boots, looks like Phil Jackson, has a Grateful Dead sticker on his car, knows more about music than anyone should, and smells like a joint.

Why am I telling you this in regards to my name?  First off…I’m named after a drummer, Spencer Davis, from some bullshit 60’s band that was doped up on acid.  The other reasons?  My dad REALLY wanted to name me Zeus…I shit you not, while other names thrown around were, again, I’m not shitting you, Malcolm (after Malcolm X) and Cody, after my dad’s friend who traveled around New Mexico on a motorcycle selling weed.

I sympathize with terribly named children.  I feel their pain.  I know their plight.  We need to band together and support each other, and maybe, just maybe, reverse the awful trend our parents started.  My son will be named after my dad, Christopher, or either my uncle, David, or my grandfathers, John and William.  I will not put my son through the pain of being given the name Spencer.  Fuck my name.

Anyways…the one thing I’ve always loved about Christmas is that the whole season, from the week before through New Year’s, is that there’s hope on the horizon.  A wiping clean of the slate.  A break from the soul crushing depression that I call “everyday,” and, much like every year, 2009’s Christmas season brings me hope that things will actually get better.

After the jump…things I’m hopeful for, or some shit.  Actually…this is more just a Christmas list of things I can’t have…whatever, there ain’t gonna be shit else on this site all day, so just live with it.

Read the rest of this entry »

Link.

ANN ARBOR (AP) — A University of Michigan student accused of punching a Notre Dame student before their schools met on the football field has been charged with aggravated assault.

Alexander Gordon Mueller, 21, appeared Tuesday in Ann Arbor District Court. He faces up to a year in jail if convicted of the misdemeanor charge. A pretrial hearing was scheduled for Jan. 12.

Police Det. Dave Monroe says Mueller is accused of hitting the 20-year-old man on Sept. 12 during an argument among fans about 90 minutes before kickoff.

So…in summation, Michigan fans are no different than any other college football factory’s fans.  They’re not classier, they’re not more refined, in fact, if anything, they’re worse for perpetrating this nonsense that they’re somehow BETTER than you.

They’re not.

And their team sucks.  And their stadium sucks.  And maize is an ugly color.  And Rich Rod should be fired.

Go Bucks.

It’s Michigan Week.  The Game, if you will.  I never, ever, never talk smack leading up to a game, let alone The Game.  It’s unbecoming for someone of my priviliged background and intellect to prattle on about how The Ohio State d-line is going to gang-rape (Hef, where’s the Gang-Rape tag?) Mich-again’s offensive front, or how Terrelle Pryor is going to…  SEE!  This is why tOSU fans shouldn’t be saying shit leading up to The Game.  As a fan of the various Ohio and Cleveland-area teams, I know that:

1. A variable or two always bites us in the ass
2. Any given Saturday or Sunday blah, blah, blah
3. We’re Ohio.  We are magnets for teh suck.

Read the rest of this entry »

Today’s list…Top 5 things I hate about Michigan in honor of Michigan/Ohio State week, but first, BUCKEYE MARAUDING PIRATES FUCKING UP THE MICHIGN BANNER!!!

LOLZ THIS MGOBLOG!!!

/points at crotch

5. Bo Schembechler: Five bowl wins in TWENTY years?  Never winning a National Championship?  Never getting Michigan to no. 1 as the top ranked team in the country?  Way to go Michigan…not only is your “savior,” nothing more than a solid coach with FEWER titles than Larry Fucking Coker, but he’s a Buckeye.  You put all your trust, all your love into a man who learned everything he knew from your sworn enemies.  Like all your best players in your shitty program’s history, Bo was an Ohioan not fit to be a true Buckeye.  Michigan…where Ohio State’s sloppy seconds are the best thing since sliced bread.

4. Chad Henne and Mike Hart: Mike Hart is a talentless midget with a big mouth, and while Chad Henne isn’t really offensive for any particular reason, he is still a douchebag with terrible tattoos.  Both these guys were lionized by the Michigan faithful as program defining figures, and yet, when you think of all the great players in Michigan history, I’d wager that not a lot of them went o-fer against their hated rivals.

Not seen on this list: Jake Long.

Jake Long scares me. Read the rest of this entry »

Well, what is this?  I see a botched play, a fumble, a scrum and an Illinois defensive lineman coming off of the field.  Wait a second…whoa, rewind that…

Did Mark Ortmann, Michigan offensive lineman, just try and jack that guy in the plums?  Uh…yea, he most certainly did.  Don’t believe me?  Watch it again and pay close attention to the 0:14 mark.  Yea…that’s DEFINITELY a punch right to the pills.

Now lets stop for a second.  Lets stop and consider a few things, important things, lofty things.

I miss the old Michigan…Rich Rod and his team of assholes deserve to have their shit kicked in.  This isn’t what Michigan should be about…Michigan’s about class and ethics and honor.  You felt like you accomplished something when you beat them back in the day.  Now?  Now, this is just sad.

What I originially wrote was much longer, but then I read this and realized what I wrote would be completely inferior.  Just go here to understand the depths of what this punch means.

Three days per week I wake up at 5am in order to go to the gym to do just enough that I can eat like a fucking pig and stay relatively thin.  I go to one of these new-fangled gyms called Urban Active that puts a premium on amenities and environment because, you know, GOD FORBID you sweat a little when you work out.

That’s neither here nor there, though.

What is, however, is the fact that I’m not a morning person and refuse to buy an iPod.  “Not a morning person,” might actually be one of the biggest understatements ever seeing as on weekends, after 10 glorious hours of sleep, I still hate the world until I’ve been up long enough to eat breakfast and have some caffeine, two luxuries that are lost when you’re doing squats and deadlifts before the sun has risen.  And I hear yourself asking…why did you mention that you refuse to buy an iPod and post a video of what’s easily the worst song of all time?

You’ll have to jump if you wanna find out. Read the rest of this entry »

Clown sent me this.

Top 100 greatest live albums of all time.  Before I start yelling, let me go through the list for you and compile the list of albums where I give the dude kudos.

• 2.  At Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash
• 10.  The Köln Concert by Keith Jarrett – very nice pick…70 minutes of solo piano completely improvised on the spot in glorious execution.  This became Jarrett’s calling card (along with his trio, which is the greatest trio of all time in my opinion) and while sometimes it worked spectacularly, like at Koln, often times it failed.  He did one of these in Cleveland, came out on the Severance Hall stage, played for five minutes, got up and announced, “sometimes you just don’t have it.”  Then he proceeded to lecture the crowd for 75 minutes about why the term “world music,” is bullshit.  I knew there was a reason I love Keith Jarrett.
• 12.  Live In Europe by Otis Redding
• 13.  Stop Making Sense by Talking Heads
• 14.  MTV Unplugged In New York by Nirvana
• 22.  At Carnegie Hall by Thelonious Monk Quartet With John Coltrane
• 23.  Concierto De Aranjuez by Paco De Lucia – I’d say classical albums shouldn’t count…but that’s just me.  This one rocks.
  
• 30.  Live Killers by Queen
• 46.  Muddy Waters Live At Newport 1960 by Muddy Waters
• 51.  Live: P Funk Earth Tour by Parliament
• 52.  Europe ‘72 (Expanded US Release) by Grateful Dead
• 58.  Sunday At The Village Vanguard [… by Bill Evans Trio

That’s it.  After 58, the list turns to nothing but garbage.

After the jump…the worst entries as well as the sole reason I’m writing this. Read the rest of this entry »

This is Thela Hun Ginjeet by King Crimson.

Welcome to the wonderful world of progressive rock.  I really never understood why this was called “rock” because, while it may have electric insturments, it’s really closer to classical music in the way it’s composed and organized.  There isn’t that straight beat in the drums that most rock has, and considering the complexity of the genre, it’s really more composition than song.

Plus…nobody ever got laid saying they were in a progressive rock band.

Anyways…King Crimson rocks.  Enjoy.

Cliff,

Come back.

Please?

You know how much we loved you, how much we appreciated everything you did for us…we didn’t want this, man, you know that.

Fuck the Dolans and that knob polisher Shapiro…you know you mean more to us than a handful of shitty prospects and not having a paycheck on the books down the road.  Fuck man…you should be having that 0.82 ERA for US.  Those should be OUR four wins, man…well, YOURS for US.  YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!

Sorry for yelling.

Anyways…just come back.  We know those crack addicted, surrogate Jersey guido fucks in Philly don’t appreciate you having 34 K’s to your 6 walks.  Man, we’d LOVE that shit.  We just want you back man…and you know you wanna come.  So just make it happen.

XOXOXO

Cleveland

PS…you might want to get a blood test done.  I don’t know how to say this, but we might have AIDS.