Artie Lang is one of our favorite comedians. He was hilarious in that one movie that went straight to video. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So today he picks his three NFL locks that he chose without consulting anyone else.

I’m not sure how I missed this email but better late than never, right?

Jets (+3) over Bengals – I don’t think I want to live in a world where the Jets can’t beat those fagots from Cincinnati.
Cowboys (-4) over Eagles – Repressed fags like Tony Romo should kill themselves.
Patriots (-3.5) over Ravens – Ray Lewis a fucking pussy and you can tell him I said so.
Cardinals (-3) over Packers – I’d bet my life on it.

Obvi these are for entertainment purposes only, unless sports betting is allowed in your jurisdiction. In that case, let that baby ride.

Artie will NOT be performing at a comedy club somewhere at some time in the near future.

That guy up there in the video is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probabLy) hilArious duriNg this open miC night whEre he talKed foR over 2 minutes strAight without teLLing a single joke. Then again, we just about lost our shit at the 2:09 mark. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, he’ll pick three NFL locks.

(Home team in CAPS)

TAMPA BAY (+3.5) over Jets :  I say “knock knock”, and you say “who’s there?” Okay knock knock. Who’s there? Buccaneer. Buccaneer who? Buccaneer is how much it costs for corn in my country. No good?

MINNESOTA (-6.5) over Cincinnati: So I ask my wife who she like in this game and she say Minnesota. She crazy. What a bitch. If she wrong I have to kill her. Seriously. Nah, I won’t kill her. You crazy.

Pittsburgh (-10) over CLEVELAND: I saw Cleveland the other day and I notice that they get skinnier and skinnier. They don’t stop eating but they still lose all the weight. So I ask them, Cleveland, how you lose all the weight? And they say AIDS. Wocka wocka wocka.

[This guy] will not be performing anywhere any time soon, but he recently accepted the position of head writer for MLJ, so there’s that.

Dane Cook is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious in that comedy special where he whirled his arms around for awhile and didn’t tell us the punchlines to his jokes. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So today he picks his three NFL locks that he chose without consulting anyone else.

Home team in CAPS.

DETROIT (-3.5) vs. Cleveland:  So I went to a Browns game and the whole crowd was like “BOO,” and the team was like, “we suck,” and the refs were all like, “I don’t care,” and the hot dog vendor was all like, “hot dogs!”

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) vs. New Jersey Jets:  Doesn’t it suck when your coach cries?

/does wild full body convulsion

Pittsburgh (-10) vs. KANSAS CITY: There are two kinds of people in this world, people from Pittsburgh and people from Kansas City.

Dane will NOT be performing at a comedy club somewhere at some time in the near future or something because he’s a rich, pompous pile of dogshit. You can also see him on reruns on Comedy Central if you really want to sit through a fucking three hour marathon of Burger King jokes and watch a guy look like he’s having a seizure.

Carlos Mencia is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious in that comedy special where he came up with all that original material that was totally originally created by him. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So today he picks his three NFL locks that he chose without consulting anyone else.

(Home team in CAPS)

COLTS (-3) over Patriots :  [Popeye voice] “Oh, Brady will need to eat more Spinach than ever! Uh, cuh cuh cuh cuh cuh! [/Popeye voice]

Vikings over LIONS (+17): Ooo, you Detroit Ryans, you guys so rayzey. You need job. You no beat no good team awe year.

Eagles (+2) over the CHARGERS. “Hickory Dickory Dock. An eagle pooped on me once. OHHHH!!!”

I know you’re only allowed 3 picks but I just wrote a joke about 7 words you’re not allowed to say on television.  Oh, and why isn’t the entire plane made out of the Black Box?

Carlos will be performing at a comedy club somewhere at some time in the near future or something. You can also see him on reruns on Comedy Central I think.

Margaret Cho is one of our favorite comedians. She was (probably) hilarious in that comedy special where she talked about being a woman and being Asian. We spoke to her a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of her greatest passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, she’ll pick three NFL locks.

(Home team in CAPS)

BRONCOS over Steelers (+3): I hate most men, but especially one’s who [allegedly] rape women.

SEAHAWKS over Lions (-10): Ooo, you Detroit Ryans, you guys so rayzey. You need job. You no beat no good team awe year.

Panthers over SAINTS (+13.5): Because I will be GLAAD when the Saints finally lose. Read the rest of this entry »

Sinbad is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious to someone in the 90’s, co-starring in Jingle All The Way and emceeing those soul music festivals. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his great passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, he’ll pick three NFL locks.

(Home team in CAPS)

RAVENS over Broncos (-3.5): I have a special affinity for Baltimore because it’s pretty close to one of my first jobs – teaching at Hillman College.

TITANS over Jaguars (-3): You gotta like the idea of a rejuvenated Vince Young, much like Good Burger (which has roots in Tennessee) rejuvenated my career.

EAGLES over Giants (+1): Because I have a special spot in my heart for Philly: Read the rest of this entry »

Happy’s good friend Brian is not a comedian with a level of celebrity on par with the likes of Paula Poundstone, Dennis Wolfberg, or Andrew Dice Clay. But if you ever find yourself at Gio’s Sports Bar in the Ravenswood area of Chicago, there’s a good chance you’ll see him there. Around those parts, he’s (probably) every bit as hilarious and famous as a two-bit comedian whose schtick wore off years ago. I mean honestly, check out that picture of him over there on the right where he’s re-enacting the scene from Big Daddy where Adam Sandler’s character pees on the side of a building. Hilarious, right?

RIGHT?!?!?

Anyhoo, Happy spoke with him via IM on Wednesday about an idea that would blend two of his great passions: Sports and picking games. The following is the result of that IM conversation.

Brian: What do you want me to do?
Happy: Pick 3 locks for this weekend’s NFL schedule.
Brian: Why?
Happy: No reason really. Just use the Colts (-13) over the Rams, the Packers (-7) over the Browns, and the Giants (-7) over the Cardinals. Add a quick sentence afterwards on why. Do not be funny.
Brian: Okay whatever. Colts because St. Louis sucks. Packers because who the fuck cares. And Giants because also who the fuck cares.
Happy: Perfect.

So there you have it, Folks. Your locks of the week are the Colts, Packers, and Giants each to cover. Get those bets in before it’s too late.

Paula Poundstone is one of our favorite comedians. She was (probably) hilarious to someone in the 80’s. We spoke to her a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of her great passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, she’ll pick three NFL locks.

(Home team in CAPS)

SAINTS (-3) over Giants: Because they like to get drunk in New Orleans, and my life isn’t complete unless I’m driving drunk with my kids.

CHARGERS (-3.5) over Broncos: Because I live by one maxim in life, and that’s the fact that Denver are frauds on the road. Speaking of Maxim, check me out in a recent issue.

Baltimore/MINNESOTA o/u +44.5 UNDER: Because I (allegedly) went under the table and played with my foster kids.

Paula will be playing at Buffalo State College tonight. Mark your calendars, or whatever.

Dennis Wolfberg is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious to someone in the 80’s. We did not speak to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his great passions: Sports and picking games. This is because he died of cancer in the mid-nineties.

(Home Team in CAPS)

Minnesota -10 over ST. LOUIS: Because I’m Jewish and not very attractive.

CAROLINA -3.5 over Washington: Because I used to be a schoolteacher in the Bronx.

NY Jets/MIAMI, o/u 36.5, OVER: Because I like to set up a joke by saying something simple, and then PUT STRESS ON THE LAST HALF OF A SENTENCE AND POP MY EYES OUT.

Wolfberg will not be playing somewhere in the future. Don’t mark your calendars.

Dave Coulier is one of our favorite comedians. He was (probably) hilarious to someone in the 80’s during his time on Full House, and even if you don’t remember his past stuff then you’re probably familiar with his more recent work on Skating With Celebrities on FOX. We spoke to him a few months ago about an idea that would blend two of his great passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, he’ll pick three NFL locks.

Sorry we were only able to get in touch with him this week because he’s so busy being funny and making jokes.

(Home Team in CAPS)
Ravens +2 over PATRIOTS – [Popeye voice] “Oh, Brady will need to eat more Spinach than ever! Uh, cuh cuh cuh cuh cuh! [/Popeye voice]

Bengals -6 over BROWNS – “Me and my young friend Alanis saw The Wizard at a thee-ater in Cleveland. You oughta know what happened next.”

Jets/SAINTS, O/U 46, OVER – “You think that untested Jets D contains Brees? Cut. It. Out!”

Coulier will be playing somewhere in the future. Mark your calendars.