Scene:  Baltimore Ravens HQ…Steal Team, Maryland.

Jim Zorn: John, man…it was totally awesome the way you gave me this job. I was all like, out of work and stuff and you came in like, you know, with this job and everything, man.  That was totally cool.

John Harbaugh: Well, Jim, even though you were a colossal failure as a head coach, you’re still a respected quarterbacking mind, and seeing as we just lost Hue Jackson, we needed a very qualified replacement.  You have, well…

Jim Zorn: Well what?

John Harbaugh: I’m not going to lie, Jim…you’re going to have your work cut out for you.  Especially having to work with that cock, Cameron. Read the rest of this entry »

Scene:  New Jersey…4 am…Mark Sanchez is having a nightmare about his upcoming game against the heavily favored San Diego Chargers.

Mark Sanchez: AHHH!!!  THE DEVIL!!!

Mark Sanchez: Phew…it was just a dream.  But damn brah, I’m hella nervous about the Chargers this weekend.  Beating the Bengals was one thing, dude, but the Chargers?  Rivers and LT and those huge WR’s?  I’m just not ready for this stuff, man.

Suddenly, a foggy light appears and a face appears.

Mark Sanchez: OMIGOD!  A GHOST!  WHO ARE YOU?!?! Read the rest of this entry »

[Scene: A suburban Maryland mansion.  We see a figure hiding in the bushes then slowly walk up to the door.  He knocks.]

Read the rest of this entry »

Scene:  Ravens HQ prior to last weekend’s Colts game.

Cam Cameron: Joe, watch this.  See how the Colts LB’s blitz hard into the A gaps? It’s extremely effective because when you face Indy, your OL splits spread out and holes in the middle open up.  But this isn’t Indy’s MO, even with the new defensive philosophy they’ve changed to, so while a screen to Ray could open up, you have to make sure that the LB’s don’t feign the blitz and cover the middle.  It should be pretty easy to spot as you’ll have a wide open view of both LB’s blitzing due to the larger gaps in the protection.

Cam Cameron: Joe, did you hear me?

Cam Cameron: Joe, this is important.  We’re going to see this alignment again, I guarantee it.  It’s about as simple of a read as you’ll ever get.  If you don’t see a blitz coming into your face, you have to go to your second read and hit Mark or Derrick, who’ll be sitting in the soft spots of the zone.  Don’t just assume that Ray is going to be open when you see the LB’s in the A gaps…they blitzed against the Patriots, but we’re going to be keeping Ray in instead of splitting him into the slot.

Cam Cameron: I really have no idea if I’m getting through to you or not. Read the rest of this entry »

[Scene: Night. Spence is walking down a lit street alongside Baltimore Quarterback Joe Flacco.]

So what I’m saying Joe Flacco is that I’m sorry for making you into a caricature.  You’re not a monosyllabic goof.  You don’t just stare at people for minutes at a time before responding.  You’re actually a decent human being and a better than average quarterback.

No worries, Spence.  I understand that bloggers often latch onto a single act and turn it into a larger representation.  It’s what literary critics call a false metonymy.  You’re overvaluing a single play in order to make a larger point.  As anyone who’s studied Terry Eagleton’s modern criticism, in addition to the overall themes of the Formalist Movement, these types of things are the foundation of misreading both literature and society as a whole.  For me to single you out as an example of what’s wrong with the blogging community would be a waste of time and it would cause me to make the same error you made in creating the posts in the first place.

……. Read the rest of this entry »

[Scene: Ravens training facility.  The team is running through drills.  Coach Harbaugh calls Joe Flacco over to the sidelines]

Joe!  Come on over here, boy, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, coach.  What’s up?

The coaching staff and I have decided to treat this next game as a training opportunity for you.  Since it’s a preseason game and means nothing, we’re going to take advantage of it so that you can practice some new techniques in your game management. Read the rest of this entry »

In mid-July, Baltimore Ravens’ wideout Derrick Mason announced that he was retiring from football. As a result, for a few brief weeks until Mason went all Brett Favre on us, the seldom-used Yamon Figurs was near the top of Baltimore’s depth chart at the WR position. Thinking that he’d need to build a solid rapport before the season starts with young QB Joe Flacco, Figurs invited Flacco to come fishing with him at his lake house. The following is what happened on that fishing trip in mid-July.

Yamon Figurs: Joe I just want you to know how much it means to me that you came over this weekend. We gonna do some special things this year, you and me. Read the rest of this entry »

Scene:  On the set of the NFL Fantasy Files commercial, the director sets the scene for the newest installment of the always enjoyable series.

Director:  Joe, it’s an honor to be working with you.  You had an awesome first year with the Ravens and your future is as bright as any young quarterback’s in the NFL.  Now, this is our first time working together, so I hope everything goes smoothly.  Well…lets get to work, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »

Boo Weekley: Be right, be right…

/spits

Phew, at least I’m on.  Hey caddy…help me read this thang.

Joe Flacco: Um…

Read the rest of this entry »

Overlooked during the draft earlier this month was the fact that Mike Flacco, Joe Flacco’s brother, was drafted by the Baltimore Orioles (31st round, 926th overall).

[Scene: A baseball diamond.  Joe Flacco walks up and sees his brother Mike standing on the mound.]

Hey, Mike. Read the rest of this entry »