[Scene: A suburban Maryland mansion. We see a figure hiding in the bushes then slowly walk up to the door. He knocks.]
Archive for the ‘ Fiction ’ Category
In order to preserve our brilliant minds and ideas for the work week when you need the distractions most, we have decided to re-run past works on the weekend for your enjoyment. This here is one of the first Flacco posts.
[Scene: John Harbaugh's office. Joey Flacco walks up and knocks on the door.]
Flacco: Hey coach, you wanted to see me? Read the rest of this entry »
Filed under:
Fiction, Unoriginal Content
In an effort to conserve our brilliant minds for the work week when you need us the most we will use the weekends for re-running some of our most favoritest posts of all time. This brilliant number was written after the Sox passed on good players to sign shitty ones instead. I would also like to note that in the original post, NickP said that he liked all of these moves. That guy sucks.
Scene: Theo Epstein’s office. Theo is pacing around while his nervous assistant follows after him holding a clipboard.
Theo: Run it down again. What’s left?
Assistant: Well, uh, Mr. Epstein, we’ve signed Brad Penny and Rocco Baldelli and John Smoltz. And, uh, we’ve declined to offer arbitration to Jason Varitek…
Theo: The black guy?
Asst: No, uh, sir, Jason Varitek is our catcher. He’s the um *whispers* white *whispers* uh guy who’s been with the team for some time now.
Theo: Hold on, we didn’t offer him arbitration? He sounds like a superstar.
Asst: Well, uh, he’s a good defensive catcher, and he handles a pitching staff well, but, you know, he’s getting old.
Theo: Let me ask you this: he’s not one of those Mexicans that looks white is he? Cause they can fool you.
Asst: Umm….(checks clipboard) no sir. From what I have written here, he’s just a, uh, white.
Theo: It’s okay if he’s Jewish. You don’t have to be shy about him being Jewish. We can work with Jewish.
Asst: I don’t think he’s Jewish, sir. I’m pretty sure he’s, well…I’m pretty sure he’s white.
Theo: I’m confused.
Asst: I think I am too, sir. Read the rest of this entry »
Filed under:
Fiction, Unoriginal Content
[Scene: Ravens training facility. The team is running through drills. Coach Harbaugh calls Joe Flacco over to the sidelines]
Joe! Come on over here, boy, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, coach. What’s up?
The coaching staff and I have decided to treat this next game as a training opportunity for you. Since it’s a preseason game and means nothing, we’re going to take advantage of it so that you can practice some new techniques in your game management. Read the rest of this entry »
Bartender: What’ll it be, Mack?
AW: The name’s Antoine.
Bartender: Okay. What’ll it be, Antoine?
AW: Just a quick shot of bourbon. I’m not staying, I got a marker coming at the blackjack table.
Bartender: Wait I know you, you’re that guy who used to play in the NBA who’s wanted by the police for unpaid gambling debts of almost $900,000.
AW: I’m not giving out any autographs today.
Bartender: You realize this is a casino bar you’re in right now, right?
AW: Just give me the shot, will ya Boss?
Bartender: Coming right up.
Bartender: Okay, that’ll be 6 dollars.
AW: Just put it on my tab.
Earlier this week, I scored an interview with NFL quarterback Joe Flacco. Okay maybe it’s not fair to call this an interview; it was more of an IM back-and-forth. Okay maybe it’s not even fair to call it a back-and-forth. You’ll see what I mean. The point is I was able to obtain Joe’s email address, so I used that as an opportunity to try and get his thoughts on the upcoming NFL season. Below is the contents of my interview with Joe via gchat. Read the rest of this entry »
Cal: “Hey Tom, check out my sweet idea. I paid Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans, John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins and Xavier Henry thousands of dollars to come play. It’s a sure thing.”
Izzo: “You retard. I get football players to come and beat the shit out of the more talented players they face.”
Cal: “But, uh, don’t they call fouls?”
Izzo: “Who are you, Joe Flacco? I just pay the refs. Much simpler, and cheaper, than paying recruits.” Read the rest of this entry »
Filed under:
Fiction
ATLANTA–The recent announcement that Larry Wayne Jones Jr will be scratched from the rest of the World Baseball Classic has many baseball scouts around the league impressed with Jones’ athleticism. Jones injured his right side this weekend and decided that it would be best if he left the US team for the remainder of the WBC.
Said one scout, “I’m amazed. Shocked even. This man is a true athlete. Normally it takes a pro like him two to three months to reach midseason form where he injures himself and is useless to his team but this is nothing short of superhuman.” The scout, who wished to remain anonymous added, “There are guys around the league who can learn a thing or two from Larry.”
Jones has always been a phenomenal athlete but his ability to speed up his conditioning to such a point that he could injure himself three months ahead of schedule is a testament to his workout regimen. One GM had this to say, “I don’t know how he does it. He pushes himself harder and faster than any athlete I’ve ever seen. This is a guy who hasn’t touched 140 games since 2003 and here he is, already showing what he’s made of. Frankly, I’m gobsmacked.” Read the rest of this entry »
[Downtown Baltimore. Sidewalk.]
(Off screen) Hey Joe! Joe! I’m your biggest fan. Do you have time to chat for a few minutes?
Flacco: (minutes pass)…I always have time for my fans.
Fan: Awesome, Joe. I’ve followed your career since your Delaware days. I was pumped when my boys drafted you. And my friends and family say I look just like you!
So me and my gay magician friend were hanging out this weekend: catching a Spring Training game and talking about baseball related subjects when the conversation* turned to favorite punching bag Dan Shaughnessy.
Hef: God I hate that guy.
MGMF: He’s the worst.
Hef: Everyone hates that guy.
MGMF: Seriously, the entire city of Boston hates that guy except the racists and the homophobes.
Hef: So…
MGMF: Like half the city.
Shaughnessy is best known, not only for his willingness, but for the pleasure he takes in alienating players and oversimplifying every subject into one of two memes:
Meme 1: We’re cursed. This meme disappeared after 2004 and he has been struggling ever since. Before that? Fucking A, everything under the sun was fair game. Why did the Sox lose to the Yankees in game 7 of the 2003 ALCS? Was it because Grady left Pedro in too long? Fuck no, it was because the team was cursed. Why didn’t Mo Vaughn reach his potential? Was it because he was a fat, roid-head** without any thought of the team? What are you, retahded? It’s because of Babe Ruth? Why doesn’t Carl Everett believe in dinosaurs? Is it because he’s a self-righteous asshole who believes in a literal interpretation of the Bible? No it’s because–okay, maybe that one’s true. But the Sox signed him because they’re cursed.
Meme 2: There are Boston guys and non-Boston guys. Boston guys are “blue collar” and “gritty.” They work hard and don’t care about stats. They go the extra mile and give everything they have to the city of Boston because they know the fans give everything they have right back to them. Non-Boston guys are black.
So after the conversation turned to DS this weekend I felt like checking out his latest column to see what he was up to these days.
Turns out, not much. Read the rest of this entry »
