I received a bunch of emails saying that the league was full so I did two things.

1. I expanded the league to 18 teams.  I might even expand it to 20.  This allows for more bitching in the late rounds as someone will inevitably be forced to draft Eric Byrnes The Panda.  You can access this league here and the password is still hefrules.
2. I created a second league.  This league is head to head (as opposed rotisserie) and it was created specifically for all of you assholes who still don’t know how a rotisserie league works.  Fu-cking amateurs.  You can access this league here.  The password is hefrules.

On a related note: I need a new team name.  Jefferson Slaveship, while hilarious and indicative of my amazing cleverness, has sailed.  It’s time for a new piece of majesty.  Band name puns are a plus.  Especially if they incorporate anger and/or racism.

Alright, if you want in our awesome Fantasy Baseball League go here. Our league name is MLJ (ID#225944) and the password is hefrules. Which is true.

We might make the league really big or start a second one if this one gets out of hand. Either way, winner gets a free t-shirt or some shit. We’ll probably be out of dicktowels in October.

Just as a reminder: I won last year’s real league so you all can eat my balls. I am the greatest.

The baseball season is complete and it is now time to praise the victorious party in the MLJ Fantasy League.  Yes, there are times in the history of greatness when we can honor the men who have done more with more than those who have done less with less.

Let me put this another way: some of us are expected to succeed because we’re so much smarter than the rest of you.  Others of you survive without any expectations whatsoever and you get along just fine never impressing anybody.  So when someone who is great meets the great expectations placed upon him, well there should be a celebration among the masses*.

You see, what I was able to accomplish should be expected, but it should also be rewarded to encourage me to do it again and again until there is but one great person left in the world and a collection of people surrounding him in admiration.  Sorta like the ultimate goal of Capitalism.

So praise your king, noble nothings.  He is a great man worthy of nothing less than your undying support.  Also, send him pictures of your girlfriend naked.

Oh yeah, the commenters somehow stumbled upon a league of their own, the winner of which gets a shirt or some faggy bullshit.  Congrats to this loser, whoever he is.

*Like the poor people on the Titanic were allowed to dance and play their ethnic songs.

Every Monday, pkiguy stops in and drops truth bombs on our asses about fantasy baseball.  A bonus nugget of his wisdom: he told me the government is injecting HIV into our chicken nuggets.

One of the biggest myths surrounding the fantasy baseball world is that you have to watch a ton of games to be successful. When I first started playing, I believed this to be true and so I watched so many games that I was almost burnt out on baseball by June. Today, I mostly just watch the Twins and will flip to another game during commercials or when Gardie goes to the pen. While it is definitely helpful to watch some games that don’t involve your favorite team, reading box scores and game recaps the next day can be just as helpful and will let you be able to spend some time off your couch.

OUCH!

Let’s go take at your medical chart: Read the rest of this entry »

As usual, our favorite fantasy baseball expert, pkiguy, has graced our presence with a fantasy baseball update.  We’re all better because of him.

I really hate this part of the season. This is the time of year that most novices to the world of Fantasy Baseball make most of their mistakes and blow the season because of a couple stupid trades or they get impatient with their slow starters. Last season, I saw a guy trade away Brandon Phillips for Orlando Hudson and Jeff Francoeur. Guess which owner finished higher at the end of the season? With that being said, we are approaching that time of year when you can actually start looking at your team and analyzing the current stats to see where you fall short in comparison to the rest of the league.

When analyzing my team, I ignore the players I drafted in rounds 1-9. These guys are generally studs and should be putting up solid numbers for you and they should be the cornerstone of your team. I did my homework on these guys, I know their stats, I know what they are capable of and so I just ignore them for now. The guys I am looking at are the ones I drafted in the middle to end of the draft. I didn’t pay much for them and I generally took them at low risk. These are the ones I look at and try to project what they will end up with. If one or two of these guys are putting up numbers higher than what they were projected to, I immediately throw them on the trading block. Chances are, they have been all over the highlights on MLB tonight and ESPN lately and so most of your fellow owners are familiar with them and their stats. If you package a deal correctly, you can pull off a nice trade and fill in some of the holes in your roster.

The DL Team

Read the rest of this entry »

Pkiguy did such a great job with the fantasy post last week that he is now our official fantasy baseball writer.  Let’s all congratulate him publicly with horrible typos like we did last week.

When I quit smoking a few years ago, I started running to help keep myself busy and to just get back into shape. I pushed myself way too hard and ran 3-5 miles every day for like 3 weeks. Needless to say, I gave myself a nice little stress fracture after about a month of this and was forced to stop and rest. After 6 months and many setbacks, I was finally able to start running again, but this time I learned my lesson and slowly ramped up my mileage. I still get an injury from time to time, but I know my body better now and I know when to take it easy. Fantasy baseball is the same thing. It is really easy to panic at this time of the year and make hasty judgments on players whether it be the great start they are off to or the unexplainable slump that was completely unexpected.

Injury Updates

Before we get to the good stuff, lets go to the infirmary and check in on some of our “less healthy” players.

California/Anaheim/Los Angeles Angels- No matter what city they want to be associated with this year, this team seems to be populating the headlines every day with a new player going on the DL. It is looking like Vlad is going to be out for a long time. The initial “month” guess is looking like a pipe dream and who knows when he will be back. Lackey and Santana should be back sometime in early May, but as with most players who start out the season on the DL they might need a couple starts to get back to old form.

Justin Duchscherer- Middle of May looks like the timeline the A’s are shooting for with him. Even after he gets back, look for him to start out in the pen first before he gets the nod to join the rotation. Elbow injuries are really finicky and I personally wouldn’t pay much to get him until he proves himself.

B.J. Ryan- Looks like he will be out until at least mid-May. Scott Downs is a nice replacement and should fill in for Ryan during his DL stint. Even when Ryan comes back, it is always a good idea to hold onto Downs as a good backup. He won’t burn you will an inflated ERA or WHIP and even when Ryan is healthy, he steals a save every now and again.

Chris Carpenter- 8 weeks at a minimum for the guy looks pretty optimistic. The injury bug also hit Lohse this past week, but his knee injury doesn’t look too serious so don’t dump him just yet.

Brandon Webb- Looks like Webb will be out even longer than expected. Team trainers are now saying he should be back mid-June. Read the rest of this entry »

Since pkiguy did such a good job at crashing our servers with his post about the MLB Network, we thought we’d give him a weekly column discussing Fantasy Baseball in the hope that it might eventually lead to Fetch’s death.

April 13th-19th in Fantasy Baseball.

After constantly peppering Hef with 2-5 e-mails an hour for the past 3 weeks begging him to let me start writing a weekly post regarding the world of fantasy baseball, he relented. He did have a couple stipulations though, one was converting to Judaism and the other one was that I could never say anything good about Eric Byrnes.

Most of my analysis is based upon a 10-12 team Mixed-League format with the standard 5X5 scoring. If you are in a AL or NL only league, this probably won’t help you out much.

Enough with the small talk, lets talk about this past week in baseball.

Injuries:
Every season there are a few big name players that get hurt early and can ultimately affect the outcome of a few leagues. Lets take a look at a few guys that have recently gotten hurt and could affect your team.

Vladimir Guerrero: The Angels are really hurting right now with Lackey, Santana, Esobar, Moseley and now Vlad, who went on the 15-day disabled list with a torn right pectoral muscle. Guerrero is expected to miss at least a month with the injury if not more.

Chris Carpenter: Will need four-to-eight weeks to recover from a torn oblique muscle, according to GM John Mozeliak. This is a tough loss for the Cardinals who had hoped Carpenter was past his injury woes of the past couple years. He was pitching great until now so this is a big loss to the Cardinals who have been hot as of late.

Brandon Webb: Should be back by late April or early May. The D-backs need a SP who can keep the games close as the offense has been pathetic this year. Read the rest of this entry »

Alright so I’ve heard enough chatter that there are enough of you out there interested in joining a Fantasy Baseball League so here’s the plan.  I am going to pit myself against the MLJ commenting group.  That’s right, now is your chance to shame Hef into finally admitting how great he is at everything he does.  Don’t be shy, step right up.  The first 11 commenters to email me here get to join the league.  Please make the subject: MLJ FBL.  It is free to enter but if you all decide you want to put money on it, that will require unanimous approval.

Oh yeah, prizes: First place gets a MLJ T-Shirt from the MLJ store.  Second place gets something else cool with our logo on it.  Third place dies.  But, if I win, then you get nothing.  Nothing!!!!  Well, you get to listen to me mock you for the next 100+ years.  And your children and grandchildren and wives and cousins and uncles.  Everyone you love, really.  Because you suck.

Let the games begin.

You know what I get tired of hearing? That I don’t say enough about the Cardinals. Well how about this: they won last night thanks to Todd Wellemeyer’s best outing of the year. Tell you what Cards’ fans, I’m gonna do you a solid. I won’t pick Wellemeyer up for my fantasy baseball team again and you stop emailing me. Remember how Wellemeyer started the year like a champ and then had a three or four game stretch where he stunk, and now he’s performing well again. Guess which stretch I had him. So stop complaining or I’ll trade Chase Utley for him just to ruin your season. Cards 5, Pirates 1.

Cubs 8, Padres 5: The Cubs are a good baseball team and the Padres are not. Did you know that? They’re so much better that Jake Peavy only lasted 4 innings and gave up 4 ERs. Ted Lilly outpitched Peavy (what???) for his third straight win which is the most important stat ever made.

White Sox 6, Angels 1: You know who else is working on an open letter? Carlos Quentin. Yay. Quick side story. About ten times last year before Justin Upton was called up, I rode Quentin’s ass so hard from the right field bleachers. You name it I yelled it. I brought a suitcase one time with the word “Tucson” written on the side (that’s where the AAA club is). I was all over him every time he did anything. If he hit a single, I told him that Upton would’ve hit a double. If he struck out, I yelled that he shouldn’t worry because it was his last one for awhile. In retrospect, I might have contributed to his reputation as a head case. Quentin hit a Grand Slam; Sox win.

NickP’s Game of the Night*: This one is a no brainer. As you know Nick hates giving away outs as much as he hates stolen bases. So Nick’s game of the night is none other than the game that shows how baseball should be played: Indians 2, A’s 0. Take for instance the second inning. Frank Thomas has a leadoff walk and the A’s are already down a run, why not have Emil Brown lay down a sac bunt to move Thomas over? Instead Brown grounds into a double play. This is then followed by a Bobby Crosby double meaning the game would have been tied. Sure hindsight is 20/20, but it’s just another example about how correct Nick is about everything. Also, he hates children.

Spence’s Game of the Night*: A slugfest in Philly. Five homeruns. A boring joke about the superiority of the AL. Braves 8, Phillies 6.

*As chosen by Hef

You know what I get tired of hearing? That I don’t say enough about the Cardinals. Well how about this: they won last night thanks to Todd Wellemeyer’s best outing of the year. Tell you what Cards’ fans, I’m gonna do you a solid. I won’t pick Wellemeyer up for my fantasy baseball team again and you stop emailing me. Remember how Wellemeyer started the year like a champ and then had a three or four game stretch where he stunk, and now he’s performing well again. Guess which stretch I had him. So stop complaining or I’ll trade Chase Utley for him just to ruin your season. Cards 5, Pirates 1.

Cubs 8, Padres 5: The Cubs are a good baseball team and the Padres are not. Did you know that? They’re so much better that Jake Peavy only lasted 4 innings and gave up 4 ERs. Ted Lilly outpitched Peavy (what???) for his third straight win which is the most important stat ever made.

White Sox 6, Angels 1: You know who else is working on an open letter? Carlos Quentin. Yay. Quick side story. About ten times last year before Justin Upton was called up, I rode Quentin’s ass so hard from the right field bleachers. You name it I yelled it. I brought a suitcase one time with the word “Tucson” written on the side (that’s where the AAA club is). I was all over him every time he did anything. If he hit a single, I told him that Upton would’ve hit a double. If he struck out, I yelled that he shouldn’t worry because it was his last one for awhile. In retrospect, I might have contributed to his reputation as a head case. Quentin hit a Grand Slam; Sox win.

NickP’s Game of the Night*: This one is a no brainer. As you know Nick hates giving away outs as much as he hates stolen bases. So Nick’s game of the night is none other than the game that shows how baseball should be played: Indians 2, A’s 0. Take for instance the second inning. Frank Thomas has a leadoff walk and the A’s are already down a run, why not have Emil Brown lay down a sac bunt to move Thomas over? Instead Brown grounds into a double play. This is then followed by a Bobby Crosby double meaning the game would have been tied. Sure hindsight is 20/20, but it’s just another example about how correct Nick is about everything. Also, he hates children.

Spence’s Game of the Night*: A slugfest in Philly. Five homeruns. A boring joke about the superiority of the AL. Braves 8, Phillies 6.

*As chosen by Hef