Your NLCS preview:

Remember this, faggy Dodger fans?

Phillies win 4 out of the next seven games.

It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Man, being a Imperial Stormtrooper-slash-Colts fan sucks.It just doesn’t pay to root for my favorite team from light years away. No one has any respect for any facet of my life. First Palpatine comes and turns around my beloved Empire, then Dungy comes and turns around my beloved Colts. Not that anyone gives a shit.

And what makes it worse? I see parallels everywhere. It makes me fucking sick.

Before Palpatine got here, we were a collapsing Old Republic. Nothing was going right. Sure, we had some success in the Clone Wars, but you don’t understand what it was like back then. It was just like when we drafted Manning and started to turn the franchise around. We had a couple decent seasons, but knew not to get our hopes up because, hey, we’re the Colts. Read the rest of this entry »

Scene: Theo Epstein’s office.  Theo is pacing around while his nervous assistant follows after him holding a clipboard.

Theo: Run it down again.  What’s left?

Assistant: Well, uh, Mr. Epstein, we’ve signed Brad Penny and Rocco Baldelli and John Smoltz.  And, uh, we’ve declined to offer arbitration to Jason Varitek…

Theo: The black guy?

Asst: No, uh, sir, Jason Varitek is our catcher.  He’s the um *whispers* white *whispers* uh guy who’s been with the team for some time now.

Theo: Hold on, we didn’t offer him arbitration?  He sounds like a superstar.

Asst: Well, uh, he’s a good defensive catcher, and he handles a pitching staff well, but, you know, he’s getting old.

Theo: Let me ask you this: he’s not one of those Mexicans that looks white is he?  Cause they can fool you.

Asst: Umm….(checks clipboard) no sir.  From what I have written here, he’s just a, uh, white.

Theo: It’s okay if he’s Jewish.  You don’t have to be shy about him being Jewish.  We can work with Jewish.

Asst: I don’t think he’s Jewish, sir.  I’m pretty sure he’s, well…I’m pretty sure he’s white.

Theo: I’m confused.

Asst: I think I am too, sir. Read the rest of this entry »

[Setting: A fancy boardroom at ESPN headquarters.  The occupants are tapping their feet nervously and checking their watches.  Enter Tom Jackson].

Tom Jackson: Alright people, you know the score.  We’ve got less than a week so I want to hear ideas.

[Papers are straightened; someone coughs; a cricket chirps]

Jackson: I’m serious.  The NFL Playoffs start this weekend and if we can’t come up with an angle it will be the single worst playoff experience of our network’s long and illustrious career.  We don’t have the Cowboys; we don’t have the Jets; we don’t have the Patriots.  I mean, if anyone watches more than ten seconds of one game next weekend I’ll be fucking shocked.

Emitt Smiff: Who is in the playoffs?  I haven’t checked yet, but those are the only three teams I’ve heard of.  And if they’re not in–I’ll just say it: I’m stumped. Read the rest of this entry »