I know what you’re thinking loyal readership: “Why doesn’t anyone ever write about the Boston Red Sox? It just feels like their market is so under represented.” I couldn’t agree more. Since no one ever talks about that team from Massachusetts and their recent, sustained success in sports, I will now introduce our Boston beat reporter The Tuck Pendleton Machine. Don’t worry, he grew up in AZ and isn’t a total Masshole so I’m expecting good things.

I know what you’re thinking loyal readership: “Why doesn’t anyone ever write about the Boston Red Sox? It just feels like their market is so under represented.” I couldn’t agree more. Since no one ever talks about that team from Massachusetts and their recent, sustained success in sports, I will now introduce our Boston beat reporter The Tuck Pendleton Machine. Don’t worry, he grew up in AZ and isn’t a total Masshole so I’m expecting good things.

In conjunction with Major League Promise #3, the first order of business is to once again make reference to the Florida Marlins and their continued winning streak. Things are going so well in Miami that they actually signed one of their talented free agent for once. If they keep it up, people will actually remember that they’ve won 2 World Series since 1997 instead of lumping them in with the Tampa Bay Rays. The Marlins celebrated by kicking the shit out of the Nationals, which is how I celebrated the birth of my son (true story). Dan “I said stop calling me Mr. Owl” Uggla hit his 9th homer of the year. Marlins win 11-0

Mets 12, Reds 6 (game 1): Johan Santana decided to do just enough to register a quality start in the first game of the double header. Santana went 6 innings giving up 3 runs on 10 hits and a walk. The Reds stranded 8 men on base in those six innings, and they would have needed all of them as the Mets scored 12 runs for the second game in a row.

Astros 5, Dodgers 0: Don’t look now, but the Trolley Dodgers are doing their best to show the National League that they aren’t for real after all. This is their third loss in a row during which time they’ve scored a total of 2 runs. Chad Billingsly took the loss giving up 5 runs (4 earned) in 5 innings of work.

Stigs’ Game of the Night*: As we have clearly established, Stigs is probably a fat, cheese smelling dude who drinks a lot of beer. As such, his game of the night features brother in arms, Kevin Youkilis who, well let’s face it, is no spring chicken. This dude ate a sandwich while trotting around the bases last night [photo not found] after hitting his 6th HR in 7 games. Youk went 2/5 with a RBI and RS which is something I imagine a blue collar guy like Stigs appreciates about fellow Midwesterner Kevin Youkilis. Well actually, Youk is from Cincinnati, and I hear that some Ohioans consider themselves East Coast. Can we get a ruling on this? Judges? …It’s official, Ohio is a part of the Midwest. Anyway, Dice-K was good but Stigs doesn’t care about that. Sox win, 5-2.

RomanWarHelmet’s Game of the Night*: Few people enjoy complaining about their team as much as RWH so for today I will pretend he’s a fan of the Brewers to add a little variety to his life. “What a cocktease that game was. Fielder ties the game up in the bottom of the 8th, the first time he’s gone yard in two weeks only to watch Eric ‘Fuckin’ Gagne blow another game open in the top of the 9th? What was he doing in there anyway, I thought he only blew saves? Didn’t he come here because he claimed he thrived under the pressure of closing out games? So much for that theory, you fat bastard.” And….scene. Cardinals win 5-3.

*As chosen by Hef

In conjunction with Major League Promise #3, the first order of business is to once again make reference to the Florida Marlins and their continued winning streak. Things are going so well in Miami that they actually signed one of their talented free agent for once. If they keep it up, people will actually remember that they’ve won 2 World Series since 1997 instead of lumping them in with the Tampa Bay Rays. The Marlins celebrated by kicking the shit out of the Nationals, which is how I celebrated the birth of my son (true story). Dan “I said stop calling me Mr. Owl” Uggla hit his 9th homer of the year. Marlins win 11-0

Mets 12, Reds 6 (game 1): Johan Santana decided to do just enough to register a quality start in the first game of the double header. Santana went 6 innings giving up 3 runs on 10 hits and a walk. The Reds stranded 8 men on base in those six innings, and they would have needed all of them as the Mets scored 12 runs for the second game in a row.

Astros 5, Dodgers 0: Don’t look now, but the Trolley Dodgers are doing their best to show the National League that they aren’t for real after all. This is their third loss in a row during which time they’ve scored a total of 2 runs. Chad Billingsly took the loss giving up 5 runs (4 earned) in 5 innings of work.

Stigs’ Game of the Night*: As we have clearly established, Stigs is probably a fat, cheese smelling dude who drinks a lot of beer. As such, his game of the night features brother in arms, Kevin Youkilis who, well let’s face it, is no spring chicken. This dude ate a sandwich while trotting around the bases last night [photo not found] after hitting his 6th HR in 7 games. Youk went 2/5 with a RBI and RS which is something I imagine a blue collar guy like Stigs appreciates about fellow Midwesterner Kevin Youkilis. Well actually, Youk is from Cincinnati, and I hear that some Ohioans consider themselves East Coast. Can we get a ruling on this? Judges? …It’s official, Ohio is a part of the Midwest. Anyway, Dice-K was good but Stigs doesn’t care about that. Sox win, 5-2.

RomanWarHelmet’s Game of the Night*: Few people enjoy complaining about their team as much as RWH so for today I will pretend he’s a fan of the Brewers to add a little variety to his life. “What a cocktease that game was. Fielder ties the game up in the bottom of the 8th, the first time he’s gone yard in two weeks only to watch Eric ‘Fuckin’ Gagne blow another game open in the top of the 9th? What was he doing in there anyway, I thought he only blew saves? Didn’t he come here because he claimed he thrived under the pressure of closing out games? So much for that theory, you fat bastard.” And….scene. Cardinals win 5-3.

*As chosen by Hef

I consented to allowing a second Ohio contributor to join the team because he “goes to the blog all the [obsenity] time and he’s [long obsenity] tired of seeing so much [short obsenity] AAAA talk.” I can only imagine that “AAAA” is code for National League teams, but he’s from Ohio and wasn’t properly educated so who knows. You know him as spence096, we know him as, “I like cream and sugar in my coffee, new guy.” A round of applause.

I consented to allowing a second Ohio contributor to join the team because he “goes to the blog all the [obsenity] time and he’s [long obsenity] tired of seeing so much [short obsenity] AAAA talk.” I can only imagine that “AAAA” is code for National League teams, but he’s from Ohio and wasn’t properly educated so who knows. You know him as spence096, we know him as, “I like cream and sugar in my coffee, new guy.” A round of applause.

Welcome to Major League Jerk. This site has been up and running for a whopping
four days, and it has blossomed into a site that may very well make The Big Lead start looking to us for material. They call me Gonzo. G-to-the-onzo. I will be your Philly connection here at MLJ (Wow, that has a nice ring to it. You know how there’s an MLK Blvd in almost every town in the USA, and it seems they always have the highest crime rate? Well, MLJ is very much similar to that. Every post will leave you dazzled. shocked, even; but in the end, you will just shake your head and say “What a damn shame. It’s such a crime. And in such a nice neighborhood too”.) But I digress. Read the rest of this entry »

Hello West Coast. I don’t like you. It is not that I don’t like your location, some of your places are very lovely. It is not that I hate you as a people, some of my best friends and blog team members reside there. What I do hate is the fact that you are three hours behind the East Coast, or as I like to call it 2/3rds of the American population. Your need to have the sun out at 7am sickens me. Why can’t you just suck it up and follow the same time I follow. Sure it would be dark early, but the sun would be out until 11pm and wouldn’t that be lovely. You know who had lots of different time zones? The Soviet Union. They had 11 of those fuckers and you saw how that ended up. Having your own time zone makes you communists. I hate communists. And Arizona what the fuck is up with you and the no daylight savings time? I don’t care if crops don’t grow in the desert. Stop making me have to do extra math. So to the West Coast, If I have to stay up till two in the morning watching a listless, unclutch baseball team piddle away their talents, I am coming after you. If after that shitty baseball team loses and I get an hour of sleep because it is my night to feed the baby and she is screaming and carrying on, I am going to find a way to ruin your lives. Your crappy teams come here and get the job done because it is early for them and they have more energy. My crappy team is killing time until it can get home and sleep. Unfortunately, they will probably not make it home and just stay stranded on 3rd base.

This mom and pop organization known as Major League Asshole has suddenly transformed into a den of swingers. Wow, that line just qualified this post for a “Homosexuality?” tag. Anyway, this out of control freight train that started as a playground for bitching about baseball (specifically, the NL leading Arizona Diamondbacks) has suddenly taken on a life of it’s own. We now have posters come out of the woodwork. On loan to us from Must Chuuch is our good friend Stigs (some of you may know him as benji, others as customer #9). Stigs is a Brewer fan, which means he’s probably fat and reeks of beer and cheese. I’ve never met him in person, but I stand by my guess.

This brings our contributor total to 125 and counting. I think I like this format simply because we’re suddenly spread out all over the country where we will get a wide variety of insight. We’ve got NickP in Cincy; RWH in New York (never heard of it); Clown in Texas; and Hef (hey that’s me) in PHX. Any Southerners looking to join the gang? Jay, you hate ESPN and you’re Southern (though you don’t type with a Southern accent so I remain suspect). Keep an eye out for new posters. You should be able to play the “guess where that guy’s from” game.

And apparently they want more contributors to the blog. As such, I present renowned Assholes: RomanWarHelmet and Clown. I personally don’t know either of them and can’t speak to their writing abilities. For all I know, they’re homeless and write their posts from a Public Library in whatever city their claiming residence while the weather stays tolerable. I do know that RWH is a Mets fan (so yeah, probably homeless) but Clown has never shown allegiance to any team. All he brings is sarcasm. In short, they should fit in fine.