There are decisions you make as a father that shape the way your daughter grows up. I, for one, am looking to give my sweet baby girl as little Daddy issues as I possibly can. I mean, there is no way I can totally not give her some mental baggage. It is a given. But my ambition in life is to give her just enough to fuck with whatever guy she chooses to marry 25-40 years from now. If she is married before 25 or after 40, I am guessing I fucked her up real good. Anywho, part of my Daddy decision making is whether or not I want to engross her in my mental illness that is sports fandom. I have decided that this is where I am going to do my damage.

For the most part, I am well adjusted. I am responsible. I am good with her. Watch her TV shows. Make sure she is fed. Do the diaper changing which is a whole different level of gross. I am used to it now, like doctors are used to gross shit in the ER. Except they don’t have to make sure their daughter’s “intimates” are clean. No infections. No infections! You got to go in there like a maintenance worker. In and out. Make it clean. Don’t make it “dirty”. It is a fine line, but I think I am doing things right. I hope I am a least. Read the rest of this entry »

The wife of Pirates prospect Jose Tabata was arrested yesterday in suspicion of having abducted a two month old child after telling the child’s parents that immigration services were coming to take the parents away.

Amalia Tabata Pereira, 43, was being questioned by Florida detectives in Manatee County, where the girl was found unharmed Tuesday afternoon, a day after she was taken from the clinic. Plant City Chief of Police Bill McDaniel said authorities are looking to charge Pereira with false imprisonment.

Okay, first things first: Jose Tabata is one of the best prospects in the league (#67 on Fetch’s list) which means he’s probably got a ton of money and he’s already married to a 43 year old baby stealer?  She must know tricks that most women haven’t even imagined in their craziest man-trapping fantasies.  This has to be way beyond, “let’s get married because I’m pregnant.” Read the rest of this entry »

From time to time I will make generalizations about entire portions of the country without fearing any backlash (what’s the worst that could happen?). So today I present you with the first in what will be many true, but unsettling, truths: Dodgers Fans Are Bad Parents. It’s right there in the title, but I wrote it again for emphasis. This is an awful man who needs to be arrested for endangering a child’s life. Won’t someone please think of the children??? [Shrill crying]

Okay, that’s done with. But now I need to talk to the father alone for a minute, can the rest of you leave? Are you all gone? Good.

Hey bro, nice catch. Really. Um, how’d you get your wife to let you go to the game in the middle of the day like that? Did you tell her you were taking the baby to work? To the park? Your wife’s not, uh, deceased is she? No? Good. What’s your secret? Ohhhhhhh. That’s brilliant. I’m gonna use that next time. Oh, good job on not letting that ball crush your kid’s head. Late.

From time to time I will make generalizations about entire portions of the country without fearing any backlash (what’s the worst that could happen?). So today I present you with the first in what will be many true, but unsettling, truths: Dodgers Fans Are Bad Parents. It’s right there in the title, but I wrote it again for emphasis. This is an awful man who needs to be arrested for endangering a child’s life. Won’t someone please think of the children??? [Shrill crying]

Okay, that’s done with. But now I need to talk to the father alone for a minute, can the rest of you leave? Are you all gone? Good.

Hey bro, nice catch. Really. Um, how’d you get your wife to let you go to the game in the middle of the day like that? Did you tell her you were taking the baby to work? To the park? Your wife’s not, uh, deceased is she? No? Good. What’s your secret? Ohhhhhhh. That’s brilliant. I’m gonna use that next time. Oh, good job on not letting that ball crush your kid’s head. Late.