This was (obviously) posted on Halloween by CRM.  We posted it because it brought in eleventy million page views and also because of boobs.

Welcome to part 1 of a 4 part series about Halloween fashion. It should be a fun and informative time. Especially if you like scantily clad nobodies. We’ll discuss the history of Halloween, social mores as they apply to today’s Halloween and some of the theory behind different costumes. At least that’s what I told Hef.

Halloween is a magical time of year. Winter is just around the corner, the air is brisk (Unless you live in a Godforsaken desert like Arizona) and everybody gets dressed up to get shitfaced. Like I said – pure magic.

As we all know, the best part about Halloween is the fact that normal girls dress like…well… sluts. There’s an entire industry of costumers that just create nothing but “sexy” costumes for girls. They just take a regular idea, remove a bunch of fabric, tighten it up and put “sexy” in front of it.

Take this lovely lady for instance.

If she was just an astronaut… meh. Nice enough costume. Probably cost a pretty penny, but she’s just going to be knocking shit over all night. And floating. What fun is that? Read the rest of this entry »

Probably the only thing we’ve ever done that involved an actual famous person (sort of?).  We’re all big fans of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia so for Gonzo (may he rest in peace) t0 stalk this woman until she gave us a five minutes worth of answers?  Brilliant.  This was originally posted on Sept 11th 2008 (really?).

We have a real treat for you today, loyal readers. Thanks to our intrepid stalker, Gonzo, we have secured an interview with the hottest inbred, deaf-mute since Holly Hunter in The Piano. That’s right, we’re talking about none other than Thesy Surface. “Who?” you ask. Why, Margaret McPoyle of course – from the funniest show on television, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Those of you familiar with the site are undoubtedly aware of our love for the show due to its groundbreaking comedy, its willingness to turn conventional television plot lines on their ear, and the brilliance that is Charlie Day.

Again, Gonzo deserves all the credit for this stroke of brilliance. If it weren’t for his creepy emails and his nonthreatening stalking, we never would have landed an interview of this magnitude. See kids, if you pester someone long enough, they will eventually do whatever you want. So, without further ado, Thesy Surface.
Read the rest of this entry »

This is the first post I ever wrote making fun of Eric Byrnes.  Since then I have written no fewer than 324 posts mocking that pile of douche.  This was originally published on May 6th but it lives in my heart forever.

Bottom of the 6th inning, Dbacks down 5-1, and I get this message on my phone from that Phillie Asshole Gonzo: “is that fairy music when Byrnes comes to bat? Jeez, I can’t stand watching that swing of his and this is the first time I’ve seen him. I can imagine it driving you nuts the whole damn year.”

So many things to discuss in that one message, I’ll tackle them one at a time. Yes, that is fairy music that Eric Byrnes enters to every at bat of every home game. It’s actually by a band called The Outfield (get it? because he plays in the outfield? on a baseball team!). Imagine listening to that song 4 times a night, 81 times a year. No really, try to imagine that hell. Oh, and the reason the video is not of the actual band is because they don’t want people to profit off of their copyrighted material. Sorry Outfield, but I’m guessing that ship probably sailed a looonnnngg time ago. Where was I? Oh yeah, fairy music. What does this have to do with baseball other than the band’s name? I know that all entrance music is supposed to reflect your personality (Mark Reynold’s is “Down” by 311. What?), so is that Eric Byrnes’ personality: cheesy 80s ballads?

Moving on. You know what else I hate about Eric Byrnes’ At Bats? Everything. He always gets under the ball and pops it up on the infield. 20.5% of the time he hits the ball in play it’s an infield popup. But that’s not the worst part. Every time he gets under the ball, he spreads his arms out wide and does a little hop like The Flying Nun (at right) as he leaves the box. This little dance only seems to magnify my frustration with his whole approach to hitting. I’m not sure if he’s aware of this, but he’s really fast. He stole 50 bases last year. 50! He stole more bases than Jimmy Rollins, and Chone Figgins, and the same amount as Carl Crawford. They’re fast, guess how often they pop up on the infield? Figgins 5.9%, Rollins 7.5% (last year’s numbers), Crawford 5.7% Shouldn’t someone mention this to him? Do you think he knows? Could we start a petition?

EDIT: If you haven’t watched that video already, please do so. It’s so amazingly bad that I loved every minute of it. Who has that much time to make a video like that. It reminds me of that line from The State, “Let’s go do fun things set to popular music.”

As you know, RomanWarHelmet is not a funny man.  But every now and again, lightning strikes and we are left with some brilliant scars on our burnt skin.  This post,  not just accusing the Reds of being gay but providing mountains of evidence, was originally posted on June 3rd.

As part of Major League Jerk’s investigative team, it is my responsibility to ask questions and follow leads wherever they may take me. Earlier this season, The Cincinnati Reds fired General Manager Wayne Krivsky, even though the team seemed to be on the upswing after he infused the team with young talent through the draft and through trades. This seemed peculiar to me so I decided to go about finding out the real reason for the firing. Through various sources I have learned he was fired not because of a slow start but because Krivsky’s true purpose was to make the Reds the first all gay baseball team in Major League history. I have unearthed Photographic evidence to prove my point. First Krivsky himself: Read the rest of this entry »

This post was originally published on May 12th to rave reviews by our white trash demographic (one of our biggest demographics, second only to the morbidly obese). I don’t chew but if I did, I would listen to the man with the hole in his lip, spencer096.

Ah yes, a tradition unlike any other…the Masters. Er, chewing tobacco while playing baseball (phew, that was close…Hef woulda fired my ass out of a cannon if I started talking about golf).

Now, yes, I agree that putting tobacco in your mouth and spitting it out is kinda nasty, but it’s place in Americana is not to be underestimated. But, first off, a disclaimer…yes, I dip on occasion and find the habit gross and demeaning, but at the same time, there’s nothing better than feeling that pain in your lip after a massive cup of coffee. Plus, I hate smoking cigarettes.

So, without further bullshit, I give you Spencer’s Guide to Chewing Tobacco. Read the rest of this entry »

One year ago, we started this blog with a mission.  A mission to talk about sports the way you do at bars with your friends.  The way you do when everybody’s about six or seven deep and you start talking about your favorite short stops of the 1990’s and some idiot has the audacity to say that Jeter was better than Nomar.  So instead of bringing up all of Nomar’s superior stats, you start mocking him like the little bitch that he is.  Maybe you draw pictures of Jeter banging a dude.  Maybe you act out a play of him letting another grounder go past him up the middle.  Maybe you carve his name into the bathroom wall of the men’s bathroom talking about how he loves cock.  This is more or less what we’re going for here at MLJ.  Objectivity be damned.  Sure, sometimes we’re trying to be objective in our analysis…when it’s necessary.  But if you really wanted objective sports analysis you’re in the wrong place.  That’s not what we do here.

We’ve come a long way in a year.  We’ve gone through three redesigns.  We started with this which lasted all of a month before moving on to this which never had any server issues but was really limited in what we could and couldn’t do.  Finally, about three months ago, we switched over to the current layout.  We’re looking at redesigning our header so that we can actually display our logo (what a novel idea) but none of us are really savvy in the ways of web design.  The only one who really knew what he was doing was Rex and we hear he was kidnapped by the husband of one of his cougars.  It happens. Read the rest of this entry »