What a week for conceited douchebags! Where do I begin? Well, we can start with Urban Meyer. Apparently the minor league football world is abuzz that a football coach left ESPN to coach football. Not that I care. Spencer, Rex and NickP seem to give a shit so good for them.

The big scuttlebutt is that he knew he was going to coach Ohio State but didn’t say he was then denied he was and then actually became the coach. That “broke the trust” between me the viewer and ESPN the news organization.  According to Twitter, I am supposed to be outraged. I will head down to Bristol and Occupy it to represent the unwashed masses.

Speaking of ESPN and breaking trust, Craig James seemed to bring out the funny in people on the Big Lead. Why am supposed to be outraged, or at least mildly upset about Urban Meyer, when Craig James collects a healthy paycheck from ESPN? This is a guy who used his influence to get his son a scholarship to a BCS school and then used the same influence to get the successful coach of that school fired because he wasn’t playing his lazy, charity case son.

My other question on the matter is, why does Craig James have power? Did I miss something? Besides riding Eric Dickerson’s coattails at SMU, did he amass some sort of power base that I missed? Why are stuffy people in suits beholdened to him? It isn’t like he is the John Madden of college football? Either he has the Force and uses it for evil or smart people are very very dumb. Or at the very least insecure and go back to some High School social structure where cool, good looking Craig James owns the halls and they want to hang be his side looking for leftover pussy. Whatever, minor league football is teh ghey.

More fun in conceited douchebaggery, Jim Boeheim’s press conference yesterday should be shown in communications classes worldwide as the “how not to” version of defending yourself and acting contrite. Holy shit. I mean, he has a very valid point. If someone you knew for years is accused of something that was already “proven” to be false, you tend to defend that person. I am not saying he should jump ship on the guy* now but shut the fuck up and stop waving statements at the press. Seriously, fake a little. I don’t need a tear filled apology but he should have said something like:

“I am trying stand beside my friend but I am dealing with all of this in the same real time manner as everyone. Sorry, if my initial defense was too harsh. I have to respect the investigation and will do everything I can to help and support it. I cannot make any more comments on the matter.”

That is it. No smiling and waving statements. And what the fuck Syracuse communications team? You work for one of the top Communication schools in the world. I am assuming you all graduated from it. Why are you letting him go on like that? Holy shit.

Not that I mean to pick on the PR aspect of it all (well I do) but I tend to side with Boeheim a little. Penn State had a total institutional coverup where there were multiple events that the powers that be were aware of. Syracuse had an investigation by the school, police and two news organizations and nothing could be corroborated. I understand Boeheim’s initial emotions, he felt it was old shit being dragged up for money. He still may be right. But at this point, shut the fuck up. Last night was embarrassing.

In one last great moment for conceited douchebags, Bobby Valentine is going to manage the Red Sox. A disclaimer, I fucking love Bobby V. Everything he did after 9/11 for the city of New York was top notch and classy.The man also took the Mets to the World Series with Timo Perez and Benny Agbayani playing prominent rolls. That is also what makes him a conceited douche. He doesn’t feel the need to go after real talent. He would rather look smart by riding a Timo Perez hot streak or feeling he will be the guy to get Mo Vaughn back in shape after watching him hit BP in a cage in Connecticut then pushing real talent to the forefront. No one is better at managing a roster and a bullpen then Bobby V. He is also the first one to tell that he is the best at managing a roster and an bullpen.

Frankly, I think Bobby is perfect for that Red Sox team. They have a bunch of statues that can’t be moved but they also have a few areas (SS, RF, C) that he can do his Bobby V thing and take bows. I also think his sarcastic press conferences will both entertain and infuriate Red Sox fans. He will polarize the fan base. But frankly, those yahoos are polarized about everything.

So in summation, Fuck Boston, Fuck Minor League Football and Fuck ESPN.

Enjoy your day.

*not that this is looking very promising for Bernie Fine but the people involved in this are not exactly trustworthy

We here at Major League Jerk have spent countless seconds discussing which Hall of Fames are truly Hall of Fame worthy and which belong on the 5th tier of the celestial pyramid by the gift shop and outside the family restroom. Below is our next inductee.

Located in Cooperstown, New York, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum is like the Bill Russell of all Hall of Fames. First, the Baseball Hall of Fame may not have the stats of say the Football Hall of Fame or one of the Basketball Hall of Fames but it does have all the intangibles. The Football Hall of Fame is great but it is in Ohio. That right there knocks it down in pantheon status. Did you know the Baseball Hall of Fame is in Cooperstown which is in the state of New York? Did you know if you wanted to you could crash of CRM’s couch and it would be a half an hour or so drive* to get there? Both are the little things that make it a Hall of Fame HOF. It’s true.

But if you don’t believe me maybe you will believe my buddy Monkeykong, who is as passionate on the subject as I am.

You are putting Hall of Fames in the Hall of Fame? What the fuck are you talking about? Who gives a shit? I think it is full blown retarded when Grantland puts You Tube videos that have 14 views in a ‘Hall of Fame”. But sure, if you are serious then yes, I guess the Baseball Hall of Fame is a Hall of Famer. Die.

See. Told you. If my buddy thinks it is HOF then it is. It just is. Any place that has such all time greats like Andre Dawson, Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Pete Rose, and Goose Gossage is truly worthy of recognition. Now if it just allowed Jack Morris in, then the Baseball Hall of Fame would truly reach the top of the pyramid.

*45 minutes if you drive like a fucking pussy

Located in Dyersville, Iowa, the National Farm Toy Museum is truly a marvel to behold. I stumbled upon the the museum while Google searching Hall of Fames for this series of posts. Now you may ask, “Roman, how is a farm toy museum a Hall of Fame, if there is not “Hall of Fame” in it’s name?” Well Stigs, our first ever inductee has it’s own Hall of Fame!

You can feel the history as you walk this strip mall store front and bask in the plaques of such great Farm Toy collectors like Wayne Cooper, Kate Bossen and Weldon Yoder. I, myself, have always been a Lyle Dingman fan and was touched to find his name in these hallowed halls.

I also am of the understanding that you can look at a bunch of toys that look like old farm equipment. If that is your thing, you will get goosebumps.

So, if you are in Dyersville and have $5 to spend*, head on down to the National Farm Toy Museum anytime between 8am – 6pm daily (unless it is New Year’s Day, Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas Day, then you are shit out of luck).

*10% AAA discount!

Being a Mets fan has always been sort of a hardship. We have always prided ourselves as smarter and more passionate. That this never-ending cacophony of shit made us better people. But truthfully, we were blindly following a group of people that spent a lot of money very poorly. There is no hidden genius in giving Pedro Martinez 4 years when he is two years away from breaking down or Jason Bay 4 years when he is 3 months from breaking down. There certainly isn’t any genius in giving Oliver Perez 3 years $36 million. I guess we as fans were smart to be ahead of the curve on Ollie P but that is like saying we are smart for not wanting to bash your hand with a hammer. There are some things that are just known to be dumb.

While the Mets have spent money poorly, it is that same seemingly endless pile of money that always gave us the hope that they could bail themselves out of whatever shitty situation we (the Mets and their fans) had just encountered. The Wilpons may not be Mensa members but it doesn’t matter how smart you are, if you have money you can cover up a world of hurt. It meant going out and getting another closer after the old closer sucked and another hitter after the other hitter(s) sucked and another starter after the other four starters sucked. It was kind of nice knowing that every December, there would be a reason to pay attention and a reason to hope that whatever sucked last year would be washed away with some money and a new shiny player to call our own.

It is also comforting rooting for a team that has money knowing that the players you like, hell love, would always be your players until they were too old and then sent off to San Diego or Oakland or wherever the hell to finish out their careers. We never had to have the hard goodbye. Unless it was some asshole trading Tom Seaver and frankly I wasn’t alive for that so I can’t say I ever felt the emotion of it all. Now that comfort, like the comfort of many who used to have money, is all gone.

In the next month, there is a pretty solid shot Jose Reyes is playing elsewhere. That took three minutes for me to write. Jose Reyes will not be a Met. Fuck. Now to some, who are looking at this with an analysts eye, this isn’t a huge fucking deal. He is a very good ballplayer now but his legs will mean he will have a limited shelf life at elite status, he makes up for his defensive inefficiencies with his speed so his defense will decline dramatically and he doesn’t walk enough so the type of year he just had most likely will be an aberration if he doesn’t make ridiculous contact like Ichiro year in and year out. Oh, and he is injury prone, too. I understand that. But Jose Reyes is fucking art. It is tough to articulate unless you watch him leg out a triple, or make a play in the hole.

It is more than art, he is ours. The Mets have had very few homegrown position players worth a damn. Most of our best players have been traded to us or came as free agents. Keith, Carter, Beltran  and Piazza are four of the best, none homegrown. Darryl Strawberry was the one homegrown guy we could look to and he left us mostly because of ego, drugs and alcohol. That brings us to David Wright and Jose Reyes. Do we, as Met fans, tend to over glorify them? Yes. But when you have a history of Butch Huskeys, and Alex Escobars and Fernando Martinezes, you look at who actually made it and excelled and thusly put them on a pedestal. They are our homegrown Mets. The guys we could watch grow up, watch mature and then watch grow old gracefully until it was time to let them be washed up in San Diego or Oakland or God knows where.

The Madoff era Mets are about to become an experiment in what it really means to be a Mets fan. For the first time in the history of ever, the Mets can’t afford to pay their own guy. How do we react? I, for one, am not all that interested in seeing if Adam Loewen makes for a viable bench guy, or what crafty lefty they can get on a cheap one year deal to compete in the back of the rotation.  But I am interested in seeing if Matt Harvey, Zach Wheeler or some other guy I have yet to hear about can develop and become stars. So that makes this a bit of a conundrum. I want Reyes but I also want the future. I would really like the present but that is out of the question.

I have been told that Sandy Alderson is “the adult in the room”. But even the adult was enchanted by Reyes. In typical Mets fashion, it looks as if he will play in front of eight people in Miami. That means they won’t get their first round pick (they are top 15 protected) just a sandwich pick and a 2nd rounder. I didn’t want him traded in July but Sandy, whose job is to see all the angles, should have seen this coming. He should have traded him if he was going to go away. But he didn’t. He was enchanted. Which makes the inevitable Reyes departure all the more painful. If the adult in the room can’t make the decision, however unpopular, for the betterment of the team and the greater good, how am I supposed to except it now?

So I am left with Adam Loewen and crafty lefties and closers off the scrap heap. I am left with paying more attention to the Binghamton Mets then the New York Mets. I am left hoping that my egghead front office is actually smart smart and not perceived smart. Those who ever dealt with Ivy League grads know what I mean. They are all “smart” but most are system smart and others are real smart. I am left knowing that my ‘broke” owner’s checkbook is currently closed as he awaits a lawsuit settlement and a cash infusion. I am left with the horrific realization that my favorite player, a work of art with paper mache hamstrings, will be wearing another uniform. My nightmare is if it winds up being Phillies red or Miami rainbow. But even as a Red Sox or Brewer or Cardinal or some team unknown it is bad. My team now has to wait for prospects and next year. I root for a mid market team with big market prices and frankly, it sucks.

A sincere hat tip goes to Donnie Walsh and Mike D’Antoni. Donnie wheeled and dealed to get the Knicks cap space and white people while Mike D’Antoni made 4 nickles shine like 4 quarters. All of this made it possible for the fearless and intrepid owner, James Dolan, to navigate through shark infested waters to bring the Knicks it’s next great shining star.

It truly is a fair deal. The Knicks got a second superstar to go with Amare. Denver got more white people plus Ray Felton, who may be traded for even more white people! So sit back and enjoy New York as we watch the Knicks make a legit run at the 6th seed and a .500 record. The excitement is back!

*Wilson Chandler makes Allan Houston look like Tupac

I am saddened by the death of that pardoned felon who paid a degenerate gambler to find dirt on his own player and lorded over a team that is the bane of my existence AND won 6 Championships in my lifetime. Rest in peace God’s Sweet Angel.

The idea is that they will get Joe Johnson and Amare Stoudemire together with Mike D’Antoni and they can replicate their success in Phoenix. I see two problems here, a) Steve Nash is not part of this deal and B) Amare wasn’t exactly D’Antoni’s biggest fan. Add that to the fact that THEY ARE NOT BRINGING STEVE NASH WITH THEM*, and well I doubt this works. There is talk of the Knicks trading for Tony Parker to add to the pipe dream. Whatever. Second round or bust.

With that said I hope LeBron picks Newark just to fuck Cleveland, Chicago and James Dolan. That should lead to eleventy more Lakers/Magic Finals.

*Really, I don’t think I can stress this point enough.