The men’s restroom is a haven for deviant behavior, or so I’ve heard, and occasionally witnessed.
Larry Craig cast a wide stance in a Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport men’s room whilst trolling for the peen.
During a consulting gig at Wright-Patterson AFB, I once saw a Milton Waddams clone walk out of a bank of stalls with a lunch tray. Empty milk carton, apple core, plate… I wish I were embellishing that for humor’s sake, but no.
This brings me to today’s experience. While going #3 #2 at my local Walmart, a dude occupies the stall next to me. While normally a Level 3 Breach of Bathroom Etiquette*, there was no other stall for him to use. Guy drops trou, and, as indicated by the tan khakis draping down over his old man walking shoes, I peg him for a Walmart employee. In no more than 10 very efficient seconds he, quite audibly, turbo drops the kids off at the pool, stands up, turns around, and…pees. Que the fuck?
I have no explanation. I also have no choice but to finish up by, I don’t know, wiping? I also have no choice but to spend the next 8 minutes wandering around the store hoping to identify this uniquely quirky person. As LeBron is my witness, he looked just like Milton.
*Levels of Bathroom Etiquette:
- Level 4: Eating a meal in a stall. This is not what is meant by “multi-tasking”.
- Level 3: Using an adjoining stall if others are available.
- Level 2: Using an adjoining urinal even if no others are available.
- Level 1: Introduce yourself and reach over the urinal separating dividers to shake hands of the person urinating next to you. (Also known as “The Kent Mercker Wedding Reception Incident”)
]]>Our collection of rag-tag travelers, who will most likely end up kidnapped during a roadside attack at The La Vaca, will obviously band together, overcome some shit, see Hef fragged by one of our own troops, overcome some more shit, ultimately escaping our semi-assured demise, much like the passengers aboard the Hindenburg so victoriously did back in 1956.
The La Vaca
Our Completely and Totally Fucked Out Clichéd List of Characters:
Hef: a bookish Jew, constantly whining about the desert heat.
Spence: the former football star.
Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker: suave, dashing, international man of intrigue…yet ironically from ohio.
Tuck Pendleton: a gay magician, whose lighter fluid up his sleeves trick will fail every time until the pinnacle of the story, getting us out of an almost fatal jam (again, much like the survivors of the Hindenburg).
Roman: a gruff, portly fellow who’s a cross between the cast of Jersey Shore and The Sopranos.
Clown: full-blooded mexicun guy, complete with Mayan tattoos, who, inexplicably, is of no help because he speaks exactly zero mexiqin.
Little Buddha: the army ranger who teaches us to work together to fight off the drug gangs that quite likely will take us hostage. This is the character who completely guarantees that some bad shit will happen to our Winnebago.
Who do you think should play these characters?
After the Jump…
MLJ: The Movie
[Note: Special Thanks to Adam Carolla for the term "fucked out".]
]]>It’s time for this month’s induction into the MLJ Douchebag Hall of Fame, 23rd edition.
- Shooter McGavin, soon to be replaced by Tiger me thinks.
People from Jersey. This includes our own Gonzo and Roman as they're from the Greater Jersey area (or close to it).
William Zabka wins the William Zabka Lifetime Achievement Award of Meritorious...Achievement
He knows why. I'll leave it at that.
The best thing about The Godfather II
What to watch? Idol returns. Join Clown here for the live blog.
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You want the Cleveland fans to move on, yet you still take potshots at your former organization:
“Everything is built around winning and forget everything else. Over there, everything is petty, worried about the wrong thing – what a guy is saying, what a guy is making. There’s just too much foolishness over there and too many people there who are still worried about the wrong thing.” (Yahoo Sports)
Well, I don’t know about the money aspects or being worried about the wrong things, but if it’s one thing we do well around here, it’s “petty” and “foolishness”.
Enjoy your contract negotiations, dick.
Braylon Edwards: A photographic retrospective of his storied career
Special Thanks to WFNY and this dude for the animated glory.
]]>Mike Holmgren, I get where you’re coming from. You’re new in town. You’ve got priorities. You’ve got to hire a Coach. Check. (Welcome back, Mangenius.) You’ve got to hire a General Manager. Half a check. (Tom Heckert, I’m this close [holds fingers 1/2" apart] to putting you on the clock for the 2010 NFL Draft.)
Soooo…where does that leave us? Need a great Italian market? Alesci’s, baby. Restaurant? We’ve got this Michael Symon guy with a place known as Lola. Golf? I’ve always enjoyed Quail Hollow. Public transportation? RTA has some quaint trains. [strokes chin] Let’s see…let’s see… there’s something else. Oh, that’s right! The man responsible for our teams minimal success this year needs a new contract. Yeah, yeah, we know. Hester’s deal has screwed it up for every other specialist in the league, but get this. He’s a specialist in that he specializes in playing every position (look at film of the one breather Joe Thomas took this year. Yep, Cribbs.), so come up with something fair, don’t piss off the abused fanbase, and get this thing done. As you said, you want to see Josh Cribbs back, but in all actuality, you need to see Josh Cribbs back.
All that said, we present to you a dramatization of what we assume to be actual events. /or not. who’s to say.
Spencer096, roll tape…
Fin.
]]>The Inaugural Class of the Hall of Fame of Greatest Ohio State Buckeye Catches* is comprised of exactly three catches: Michael Jenkins, Jake Ballard, and Anthony Gonzalez. Jenkins preserved the National Championship season. Ballard went Air Jordan on the Ducks, leading the way to a Rose Bowl win. Gonzalez, sacrificing himself, kicked Michigan in the teeth with an amazing catch, down 2, with 45 seconds to play.
Note: All nominees must have received a minimum 3 votes from the Official MLJ HOF Election Committee.
Michael Jenkins: Holy Buckeye!
The Catch: Anthony Gonzalez Edition
Jake Ballard: Soaring Above Ducks
Not Quite Making the List, But There’s Always the Veteran’s Committee: Brian Robiskie’s catch against Penn State. The real hero there was Troy Smith as the play became what is known in creative writing circles as “The play that won the Heisman”.
The Best Plays of The Buckeye Decade (YouTube)
Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods! Blah blah blah! But what about the real victim in this sordid affair(s)? No, not Elin. She’s gonna get paid, one way or another. I’m referring to one Mr. Steve “Stevie” Williams. I know, I know… why worry about him? Sure, he comes off as a colossal dick, but the man is just doing what any good caddy should. Protect your bag, break cameras, and get paid a hefty sum to do it. Forbes Magazine once surmised that Williams made $1.27m in 2007. Serious scratch for a caddy. You know, a caddy. A looper. A jock. But what does his future hold? If Tiger and the Mrs. are gonna put on the dog and pony show of working their shit out, I gotta think that Stevie is done.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a friend who got busted for similar “transgressions”. For reasons unbeknownst to men , in the worst example of guilt by association, you probably heard something from your own lady about the situation. Most likely in the form of passive-aggressive questions, demands for explanations of where you and the boys really went last Saturday night, or straight-up accusations of infidelity (because if your best friend did it, why wouldn’t you?). In summation…homeboy is fucked.
Every night's like Bachelor Party II: The Last Temptation
There is no way in hell that Elin doesn’t think that Stevie is wrapped up in all of this. There’s no way in hell he didn’t know, therefore he’s at least been complicit in the actions of El Tigre. If we think this, sure as shit Elin does, too. Been there. Done that. And then we throw in that he’s married, as well. I hope Williams enjoys the silent, awkward dinners he’s now having with his own wife. Welcome to hell.
So…the question becomes: When Stevie is inevitably let go, how air-tight is the confidentiality agreement likely included in that huge armored-car full of hush money severance package? For shits ‘n giggles, let’s come up with a number for the following scenario.
[phone rings, Steve Williams answers]
Hello, Mr. Williams. This is Bob Random House, III calling. I’d like to talk to you about a deal for the rights to your story. I’m envisioning teaming you up with Rick Reilly as ghost writer. I’m getting ready to fax you our offer, in the amount of…
How much do you sell out the guy for who’s going to have to likely let you go? Does he automatically take after his boss and offer his own wife a massive chunk of “Honey, I wouldn’t do that to you” change?
You kids fill in the number.
]]>
Tonight, I’ve got a monthly poker game, so I’ll be watching nothing except for the annual viewing of Christmas Vacation. I’d assume you can probably catch either Boise St. or one of the Michigans play football on ESPN. Not sure if the scripted shows are back, but I PirateBay everything, so I don’t care about that, either. So…[stalls because I have to cover for Stigs...again]… if anyone has any poker advice, I’ll take it. “All-In”, with a 7-deuce, is the name of my boat, if that helps with your potential guidance.
Fuck it. I mean, seriously, who are we kidding? MLJ has fakesclusively acquired a photo from, what we presume to be, the Augusta National clubhouse.
And since I clearly have nothing else, we need feedback on a new MLJ logo(s):
Angry, menacing moose:
Racist, South Park-inspired Guy:
RomanWarHelmet’s Pre-Dieting Logo:
And apropos of nothing, when you search “hot bitch” via Google Images, this is the first result. Spencer’s dream girl. Top bewb and weed. May I present Miss High Times 2007 (the file is actually called “hot weed bitch”):
It’s Michigan Week. The Game, if you will. I never, ever, never talk smack leading up to a game, let alone The Game. It’s unbecoming for someone of my priviliged background and intellect to prattle on about how The Ohio State d-line is going to gang-rape (Hef, where’s the Gang-Rape tag?) Mich-again’s offensive front, or how Terrelle Pryor is going to… SEE! This is why tOSU fans shouldn’t be saying shit leading up to The Game. As a fan of the various Ohio and Cleveland-area teams, I know that:
1. A variable or two always bites us in the ass
2. Any given Saturday or Sunday blah, blah, blah
3. We’re Ohio. We are magnets for teh suck.
So in order to reverse all of the potential bad mojo caused by my Buckeye Brethren [cough] spencer [/cough], I thought I’d do a little undercover investigation into just how inbred and disgusting we really, really, really are. We sent our very own Sr. Pee-Pee Correspondent, Rob Riggle, back to the campus of The Ohio State University to investigate a little something we like to call Michigan Week’s traditional “The Mirror Lake Jump”.
Rex: Rob, it looks awful crazy down there! Can you hear me okay?
Rob: No problem, John Rex. It’s loud, fun, booze-fueled, and full of half-naked Vegas 5’s, or as the kids here like to say, “Michigan Eleventy’s”!
Rex: In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve completed The Mirror Lake Jump. Mirror Lake is The Ohio State equivalent of Notre Dame’s reverential Grotto or Penn State’s Nittany Lion statue. Special places where graduation photos are taken and countless marriage proposals have been made. So is there anything new you’ve uncovered or was this just an excuse for you to tell everyone you’re Steve Carrell and scam Zima’s from star-crossed coeds?
Rob: Glad you asked, Rex. It seems that Ohio State University’s Mirror Lake and a baby pool have a lot in common.
Rex: How so, Rob?
Rob: “Interesting results from last year’s study include a lake-wide temperature increase of approximately 3 degrees Fahrenheit during the course of the night and an ammonia spike around 1 in the morning,” according to Steve Goldsmith, who I just spoke to, a postdoctoral research associate.
The temperature increase could be chalked up to warm-blooded people standing in a cold lake, Goldsmith told me. But, yes, that ammonia spike means exactly what you think it means.
That’s right, Rex. Urine.
Rex: I must say, Rob, that I’m quite shocked by this revelation. Is there anything that can be done about it?
Rob: Nope. These kids are disgusting, but fuck it, Rex. Booze, beer, babes, blowies, bongs, and bacteria are the foundation for any education. However, Goldsmith said he doesn’t want to stop anyone from jumping in, though he does advise taking a shower afterward.
“Have fun, but don’t open your mouth.”
Rex: Words to live by, Rob. Words to live by.
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Note: Anything italicized may, or may not, be from The Columbus Dispatch. Who’s really to say?
Great, high-res shot of The Mirror Lake Jump.
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And just because it feels so blissfully tacky and pee-related:
