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Given the climate of drug gang violence down in the Mexiko, coupled with the guest list for the Casa de Hef’s Law de Father-In, this road trip is shaping up to be the basis for a very nice, if completely overdone, movie de la week. CRM, since you’ll be all snuggly tucked in every night by Marie Antoinette, we hereby bequeath to you the rights to our story. Also, you will have to raise Fetch as your own.
Our collection of rag-tag travelers, who will most likely end up kidnapped during a roadside attack at The La Vaca, will obviously band together, overcome some shit, see Hef fragged by one of our own troops, overcome some more shit, ultimately escaping our semi-assured demise, much like the passengers aboard the Hindenburg so victoriously did back in 1956.
The La Vaca
Our Completely and Totally Fucked Out Clichéd List of Characters:
-bookish jew whining about the desert heat
-former football star
-suave, dashing, international man of intrigue…yet ironically from ohio
-a gay magician, whose lighter fluid up his sleeves trick will fail every time until the pinnacle of the story, getting us out of a jam
-gruff, portly fellow who’s a cross between the cast of jersey shore and sopranos
-full-blooded mexicun guy, complete with mayan tattoos, who, inexplicably, is of no help because he speaks zero mexiqin.
-and last, but certainly not least, the army ranger who teaches us to work together to fight off the drug gangs that quite likely will take us hostage.
Hef: a bookish Jew, constantly whining about the desert heat.
Spence: the former football star.
Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker: suave, dashing, international man of intrigue…yet ironically from ohio.
Tuck Pendleton: a gay magician, whose lighter fluid up his sleeves trick will fail every time until the pinnacle of the story, getting us out of an almost fatal jam (again, much like the survivors of the Hindenburg).
Roman: a gruff, portly fellow who’s a cross between the cast of Jersey Shore and The Sopranos.
Clown: full-blooded mexicun guy, complete with Mayan tattoos, who, inexplicably, is of no help because he speaks exactly zero mexiqin.
Little Buddha: the army ranger who teaches us to work together to fight off the drug gangs that quite likely will take us hostage. This is the character who completely guarantees that some bad shit will happen to our Winnebago.
Who do you think should play these characters?
After the Jump… Read the rest of this entry »
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Clown hit me up to cover tonight because, apparently, he has more than just one kid. Not sure what changed in the last year, but I guess I have to believe him Soooo…we’ll cop out with some Fotoshop Phun!
It’s time for this month’s induction into the MLJ Douchebag Hall of Fame, 23rd edition.
- Shooter McGavin, soon to be replaced by Tiger me thinks.
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You want the Cleveland fans to move on, yet you still take potshots at your former organization:
“Everything is built around winning and forget everything else. Over there, everything is petty, worried about the wrong thing – what a guy is saying, what a guy is making. There’s just too much foolishness over there and too many people there who are still worried about the wrong thing.” (Yahoo Sports)
Well, I don’t know about the money aspects or being worried about the wrong things, but if it’s one thing we do well around here, it’s “petty” and “foolishness”.
Enjoy your contract negotiations, dick.
Mike Holmgren, I get where you’re coming from. You’re new in town. You’ve got priorities. You’ve got to hire a Coach. Check. (Welcome back, Mangenius.) You’ve got to hire a General Manager. Half a check. (Tom Heckert, you’re now on the clock for the 2010 NFL Draft.)
Soooo…where does that leave us? Need a great Italian market? Alesci’s, baby. Restaurant? Lola. Golf? I’ve always enjoyed Quail Hollow. Public transportation? RTA has some quaint trains. [strokes chin] Let’s see…let’s see… there’s something else. Oh, that’s right! The man responsible for our teams minimal success this year needs a new contract. Yeah, yeah, we know. Hester’s deal has screwed it up for every other specialist in the league, but get this. He’s a specialist in that he plays every position (look at film of the one breather Joe Thomas took this year. Yep, Cribbs.), so come up with something fair, don’t piss off the abused fanbase, and get this thing done. As you said, you want to see Josh Cribbs back, but in all actuality, you need to see Josh Cribbs back.
Mike Holmgren, I get where you’re coming from. You’re new in town. You’ve got priorities. You’ve got to hire a Coach. Check. (Welcome back, Mangenius.) You’ve got to hire a General Manager. Half a check. (Tom Heckert, I’m this close [holds fingers 1/2" apart] to putting you on the clock for the 2010 NFL Draft.)
Soooo…where does that leave us? Need a great Italian market? Alesci’s, baby. Restaurant? We’ve got this Michael Symon guy with a place known as Lola. Golf? I’ve always enjoyed Quail Hollow. Public transportation? RTA has some quaint trains. [strokes chin] Let’s see…let’s see… there’s something else. Oh, that’s right! The man responsible for our teams minimal success this year needs a new contract. Yeah, yeah, we know. Hester’s deal has screwed it up for every other specialist in the league, but get this. He’s a specialist in that he specializes in playing every position (look at film of the one breather Joe Thomas took this year. Yep, Cribbs.), so come up with something fair, don’t piss off the abused fanbase, and get this thing done. As you said, you want to see Josh Cribbs back, but in all actuality, you need to see Josh Cribbs back.
All that said, we present to you a dramatization of what we assume to be actual events. /or not. who’s to say.
Spencer096, roll tape…
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Apparently there was some form of Hall of Fame announcering going on today, but MLB’s attempt to out-shout us will be denied. Buckeye Nation (Me, Spence, and NickP), be proud as we salute the greatest catches in the history of the last decade’ish of The Ohio State University (and therefore, among the greatest catches in the history of football).
The Inaugural Class of the Hall of Fame of Greatest Ohio State Buckeye Catches* is comprised of exactly three catches: Michael Jenkins, Jake Ballard, and Anthony Gonzalez. Jenkins preserved the National Championship season. Ballard went Air Jordan on the Ducks, leading the way to a Rose Bowl win. Gonzalez, sacrificing himself, kicked Michigan in the teeth with an amazing catch, down 2, with 45 seconds to play.
Note: All nominees must have received a minimum 3 votes from the Official MLJ HOF Election Committee.
Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods! Blah blah blah! But what about the real victim in this sordid affair(s)? No, not Elin. She’s gonna get paid, one way or another. I’m referring to one Mr. Steve “Stevie” Williams. I know, I know… why worry about him? Sure, he comes off as a colossal dick, but the man is just doing what any good caddy should. Protect your bag, break cameras, and get paid a hefty sum to do it. Forbes Magazine once surmised that Williams made $1.27m in 2007. Serious scratch for a caddy. You know, a caddy. A looper. A jock. But what does his future hold? If Tiger and the Mrs. are gonna put on the dog and pony show of working their shit out, I gotta think that Stevie is done.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a friend who got busted for similar “transgressions”. For reasons unbeknownst to men , in the worst example of guilt by association, you probably heard something from your own lady about the situation. Most likely in the form of passive-aggressive questions, demands for explanations of where you and the boys really went last Saturday night, or straight-up accusations of infidelity (because if your best friend did it, why wouldn’t you?). In summation…homeboy is fucked.
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Okay, it’s probably not going to be Tiger-Free, but I’ll give it a shot.
Tonight, I’ve got a monthly poker game, so I’ll be watching nothing except for the annual viewing of Christmas Vacation. I’d assume you can probably catch either Boise St. or one of the Michigans play football on ESPN. Not sure if the scripted shows are back, but I PirateBay everything, so I don’t care about that, either. So…[stalls because I have to cover for Stigs...again]… if anyone has any poker advice, I’ll take it. “All-In”, with a 7-deuce, is the name of my boat, if that helps with your potential guidance.
Fuck it. I mean, seriously, who are we kidding? MLJ has fakesclusively acquired a photo from, what we presume to be, the Augusta National clubhouse.
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It’s Michigan Week. The Game, if you will. I never, ever, never talk smack leading up to a game, let alone The Game. It’s unbecoming for someone of my priviliged background and intellect to prattle on about how The Ohio State d-line is going to gang-rape (Hef, where’s the Gang-Rape tag?) Mich-again’s offensive front, or how Terrelle Pryor is going to… SEE! This is why tOSU fans shouldn’t be saying shit leading up to The Game. As a fan of the various Ohio and Cleveland-area teams, I know that:
1. A variable or two always bites us in the ass
2. Any given Saturday or Sunday blah, blah, blah
3. We’re Ohio. We are magnets for teh suck.
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- What the fuck are “Paolo Points”, kid?
Kids, it’s that time of year when being naughty or nice can really pay off in spades. Santa Claus, citing the poor economy, has cancelled his annual stopover at the Casa Del Major League Jerk, but did sext me a list of people that we should each buy a gift for. I’m going to call this a [fingerquote] Gift Exchange™ [/fingerquote].
I thought I’d set some ground rules for said Gift Exchange™:
Spending limit is $20-30, not including shipping.
Must be well thought out.
Spence must receive an [insert shitty chain restaurant] Gift Card. (done.)
Each recipient will write a post, and provide a pic of gift in use (what could go wrong), with a winner for best gift declared by you, the readers.
If someone sends Hef a set of prosthetic balls, the giver to Hef’s receiver will automatically be declared the winner.
FYI, for you West Coast worker bees, after the jump, a scantily clad gal.
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Under the Lights
