Oh, you forgot about the MLJ Not So Secret Santa Bonanza? Quite frankly, so did I. While some people got their presents shortly after Thanksgiving and others go their presents a mere 11 days late – I swear I mailed it on December 23rd. The Pony Express takes time to get through the desert.  – Christmas, New Years and Martin Luther King Jr. Day came and went without a present for CRM.

The entire holiday season I would come home from class or playing basketball hopeful that there was a big package waiting for me. (/Hef) Alas, every day I was disappointed. Every day, a little part of me died. Eventually, I turned to the sky, clenched my fists and screamed to the Heavens, “You are tearing me a-part, Rex Kramer!”

Honestly, I thought Rex had forgotten about me. Sure he kept saying things like, “Don’t worry CRM, I just need to finish poking holes in the box, then your gift is going right in the mail.” Yeah, I was torn on whether or not I actually wanted my gift to get to my house. What was I going to do with a tamed cougar, anyway? Read the rest of this entry »

Go Mavericks, Longhorns, Yankees, Cowboys and Mexicans!

Yep, thought I’d start this off with a bang. clown send me a super sexy secret sexy message last night asking me to fill in for him on QS this morning. Why? I have no idea. He obviously stayed up late enough to watch the football game. (Results after the jump! /teaser’d)

I have to warn you, I had a few before I wrote this glorious post – Oh yeah, welcome to another great day at the best part of the internet to ever internet the internet. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Oh, hi doggy.

Today is a very special day. At least it used to be. 6 years ago, Cansgiving was born. It was a spoof of Kegsgiving which was thrown by some douchebag baseball players at my school. My roommates and I decided to have Cansgiving where we drank cans of beer instead of kegs. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, we’re celebrating Cansgiving on Friday instead of Tuesday this year because that’s when more people are available to get shitty. Don’t judge us. We’re still in our mid-twenties. Feel free to share your own dumb ass Thanksgivingish drinking stories in the comments.

Stupid scores of dumb sporting events after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

[Editor's Note: This series ran last Halloween and we loved it so much we thought we would just re-run what we already wrote. Enjoy the shit out of these hos.]

Today is the final day of the Halloween Fashion Preview. Quite frankly, I can only teach you so much. If you want to catch up, you can see all the sexy goodness at Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. It’s totally worth your clicks.

Oh boy. It’s here. It’s actually here. It’s Halloween.

I went to one of those temporary Halloween stores last night. When I was there, I saw one of those girls. She was alright. A solid 6. Way back when, you wouldn’t have complained. She seemed like a normal girl. But she was holding this costume. Fuck and yes. This is just another girl. 364 days a year she gets a “not bad.” Tomorrow, she gets starred at.

It made me want to sing. It made me excited to go out tonight. I can post every picture in the world in this space, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. That’s why I kind of hate Fetch this weekend. Read the rest of this entry »

[Editor's Note: This series ran last Halloween and we loved it so much we thought we would just re-run what we already wrote. Enjoy the shit out of these hos.]

Welcome to part 1 of a 4 part series about Halloween fashion. It should be a fun and informative time. Especially if you like scantily clad nobodies. We’ll discuss the history of Halloween, social mores as they apply to today’s Halloween and some of the theory behind different costumes. At least that’s what I told Hef.

Welcome to Part 2 of the 4 part series. It is my sincere hope that today’s installment is either half or twice as good as yesterday’s. Either way, here are some more girls who obviously have daddy issues.

Welcome to Part 3 of the 4 part series about sexy Halloween fashion. I have to say, I’ve enjoyed the first two parts of this series. MLJ had certainly taken a turn for the sexy in recent weeks – and it has nothing to do with Fetch’s new outfit.

Since it’s Thursday and I was very very busy when I put this together, we’ll be heavy on the writing and light on the hot chicks. Wait. Scratch that. Rewind. Now reverse it. Heavy on the hot chicks and light on the writing. I have a sneaking suspicion many of you aren’t even reading this anyway.

Today we even have a theme: Sports

Onto the tail! Read the rest of this entry »

[Editor's Note: This series ran last Halloween and we loved it so much we thought we would just re-run what we already wrote. Enjoy the shit out of these hos.]

“Hoes? Where we’re going, we don’t need hoes.”

-Dr. Emmitt Brown

Welcome to part 1 of a 4 part series about Halloween fashion. It should be a fun and informative time. Especially if you like scantily clad nobodies. We’ll discuss the history of Halloween, social mores as they apply to today’s Halloween and some of the theory behind different costumes. At least that’s what I told Hef.

Welcome to Part 2 of the 4 part series. It is my sincere hope that today’s installment is either half or twice as good as yesterday’s. Either way, here are some more girls who obviously have daddy issues.

Take this girl for instance. She’s dressed as a cherry pie. Excuse me – a hot cherry pie. As you can see, she won a blue ribbon. As anyone that drinks Pabst knows, that’s the first sign of a winner.

Of course, I’m legally obligated to link to Warrant in this instance. They just don’t write songs like that anymore. Perhaps if Warrant were here today, reading this blog, they would find inspiration and write the sequel to Cherry Pie that we’ve all been waiting for. Read the rest of this entry »

[Editor's Note: This series ran last Halloween and we loved it so much we thought we would just re-run what we already wrote. Enjoy the shit out of these hos.]

Welcome to part 1 of a 4 part series about Halloween fashion. It should be a fun and informative time. Especially if you like scantily clad nobodies. We’ll discuss the history of Halloween, social mores as they apply to today’s Halloween and some of the theory behind different costumes. At least that’s what I told Hef.

Halloween is a magical time of year. Winter is just around the corner, the air is brisk (Unless you live in a Godforsaken desert like Arizona) and everybody gets dressed up to get shitfaced. Like I said – pure magic.

As we all know, the best part about Halloween is the fact that normal girls dress like…well… sluts. There’s an entire industry of costumers that just create nothing but “sexy” costumes for girls. They just take a regular idea, remove a bunch of fabric, tighten it up and put “sexy” in front of it.

Take this lovely lady for instance.

If she was just an astronaut… meh. Nice enough costume. Probably cost a pretty penny, but she’s just going to be knocking shit over all night. And floating. What fun is that? Read the rest of this entry »

Hello friends of the greatest site in the history of the webkinz. Today was especially tremendous as for a short while, Major League Jerk was at the top of Digg.com. (Hello new readers. Click the fucking ads, please! – Hef) The boost in diggs was courtesy the picture of the picture of a newspaper that had a sticker in a place that made a headline read “nig” instead of “night.”

Truely posting a picture off someone else’s Tumblr is the highest form of blogging. I think Will Leitch once said that in a GQ profile. Or maybe it was Nik Richie. Either way, smart people say smart things.

With Spence lost in transit, let me give you a list to get listy with as we go into the night.

Top Things I’ve Seen, Done or Read Today

1. Checked my e-mail before class this morning and saw that my class had been canceled.

2. Wrote UTL – Seriously, what a thrill! It’s not every day you get to fill in for a Sparty Award Winner.

3. Accused Hef of loving Mail Order Male Meat – /nods at Nick_P

4. Bought shrimp at the grocery store. Delicious.

5. Wrote a post calling out someone terrifying.

Honorable Mention: Had a dream. Watched this Spike Jonze video. Listened to the Adam Carolla podcast. Ate a buffalo chicken sub. Drank a beer while writing UTL. Seriously, I decided to crack a Schlitz (/cracks a Schlitz) as I wrote this. Rewatched Curb Your Enthusiasm.

What do you think the top 5 things I’ve done today are?

What’s on tonight!? Read the rest of this entry »

Notice anything odd about the front page of ESPN.com?

Read the rest of this entry »

According to USA Today (and your mom) Eli Manning is wearing cowboy boots to help ease the pain of his planter fleshitis (spelling may not be correct). The suggest either came from his simple brother Cooper or some dood from Mississippi.

“The Giants quarterback has proven as tough as those leather boots.”

Yup, that quote is in the article. It turns out that everyone had a suggestion for Eli to get better. Everybody except for the Giants’ team doctor, apparently.

“I got about 25 phone calls from people going, ‘You don’t know me. But I’m an attorney in the building here. I’m 75 years old, an avid tennis player and I’ve had plantar fasciitis,’ ” Cooper Manning said. “I got 25 of those with all different remedies.

“I’m sure he’s getting plenty of medical attention with the right folks in New York.

“But I did pass on all these miracle cures myself and my dad (Archie) got. Eli took the cowboy boot suggestion.”

Of course he did. A child will take any excuse to play dress up. Speaking of kids playing dress up…

Cooper and Ellen Manning’s 6-year-old daughter, May, received special dispensation from her catholic school to wear Giants gear Friday when classmates will wear black and gold Saints garb.

Isn’t that cute? A Catholic school that forces their students to wear Saints’ gear on Friday’s before games. I doubt JaMarcus Russell’s nephew gets the same consideration.

Update: As you’ll notice in the comments, bbryan said he’d do her. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that this cowboy seems to have a hang-down coming out the bottom of “her” skirt. It seems this “cowgirl” came untucked. I do have to say that bbryan is a sick bastard to fantasize about an animatranny. (/nttawwt)

In an effort to conserve our originality for the weekdays, MLJ will be running our favorite posts in the history of forever on the weekends. Kicking things off is a little ditty written by CRM when he was still an intern. Enjoy.

Cash4Gold.com Processing Center

*Phone Rings*

Jeff, CEO: Hello. Cash 4 Gold Processing Center, how can I help you?

*Jeff speaks with the caller for a few minutes and then heads down to speak with his business partners in the Cash4Gold Refinery.*

Jeff: So, I just got off the phone with a guy from NBC.

Joe, Guy In Charge Of Melting Old Unwanted Gold: NBC? Is it time to renew our contract for Last Call With Carson Daley already?

Jeff: No, we’re all set there. Read the rest of this entry »