…..

Spence: Joe?

…..

Hef: Joe?

…..

Spence and Hef: Joe!

Joe: What?

Spence: You’re doing it wrong, man.

Hef: You’re fucking doing it wrong.

Spence: The fuck, Joe?

Hef: Jesus Christ.

Joe: Well shit, guys, that’s why I’m here isn’t it?

Spence: [big puff off officially licensed MLJ bong] Isn’t it what?

Joe: We’ve been over this, Spence.  Put that shit away.

Spence: Maybe I’ll just stare at my Polamalu bobble head long enough that he’ll return it for me.

Joe: Actually that gets at why I’m here.  I need you two guys to start making fun of me on the internet again.

Hef: Sorry Joe [takes long drag off cigarette] but we’re retired.  [blows smoke in Flacco's face.]

Joe: I can make it worth your while, guys, I’m desparate.  Have you seen how shitty I’ve been this season?  Ever since you guys stopped writing those posts where I’m a bumbling idiot without any commonsense or timing, my Quarterbacking skills have gone down the shitter.  56% completion?!?  13 TDs versus 8 INTS?!?  A passer rating below 80?!?  These are hardly the numbers of a future Hall of Famer?

Hef: Who’s a future Hall of Famer?

Spence: Kurt Warner.

Joe:  I’m talking about me, guys.

Spence: Remember when Tyler Palko made you transfer?

Joe: That’s what I’m saying.  Your posts used to inspire me to be better.  Remember when you guys wrote that WonderPets post about how I needed a bunch of cartoon characters to teach me how to be a better quarterback?  Well that pissed me off something fierce.  After that post I put up 300 yards and threw for 3 TDs.

Spence: And an interception…

Hef: Against Kansas City.  Big fucking deal.

Joe: See, this is what I need.  I need your hatred of me as a quarterback to become public again.

Hef: It’s not just us, Joe.

Spence: Totally.

Hef: A lot of people hate you, Joe.

Spence: Because you fucking suck.

Joe: I know but there’s something about you two that drives me to insane levels of rage.  It might have something to do with the fact that you are two of the least likable people on the planet.

Spence: Unlikable? Me?

Hef: Eat a dick, Joe.

Joe: Like, for example, do you know how many interceptions I have thrown to Troy Polamalu in my career?

Spence: Twelve?

Hef: Gotta be in the hundreds.  Maybe even thousands.

Joe: One.  I’ve thrown one interception to Troy Polamalu.

Spence: Pretty big interception though…

Hef: He returned it 40 yards for a TD.

Spence: In the playoffs…

Hef: In the fucking playoffs!

Spence:  That’s gotta count for, like, twelve.

Joe: Are you guys even Ravens fans?

Hef: Good god, no.  Fuck Baltimore

Spence: Fuck you for even insinuating that I’d be a Ravens fan, you cocksucker.

Joe: This is what I mean.  You two are such fucking pricks about stuff that shouldn’t matter to you and yet you build it up and build it up until it becomes life and death.  This is why I need you to help me out.  Can I pay you to write a post about me being a shitty quarterback? Money isn’t really a concern for me.

Spence: $75!

Hef: $80!

Spence: $81!

Hef: $1!

Spence: [grumbles] Whatever, lets just get this over with.  Whenever you’re ready, Princess.

…..

Hef: You’re still fucking doing it wrong.

Joe: I, uh, wasn’t trying to do the stare that time.

Spence: Well can you please pull your head out of your ass and use it to stare at something then?

…..

Spence:  [exasperated sigh]

Hef: This is getting old.  Lets make a deal…if you get your fucking stare right, we’ll come back for another week.  Deal?

Joe: Yeah, we have a deal.

Spence: Alright then we really need you to get into character and that means you need to fix your shit.

…..

Hef: Jesus can we get him a mirror?  Can you see yourself?  This is not the stare, Joe. That’s constipation.

Spence: Here, Joe, look at me.  I can do a pretty good impression of you.

…..

Joe: That’s what you want?

Hef: What the fuck are you doing?  That’s fucking awful.  Look at me.

…..

Spence: That’s pretty good actually.

Hef: I used to take acting classes.  I’m pretty comfortable with my body.

Joe: How’s this?

…..

Hef: That’s the same fucking thing you’ve been doing.

Spence: I feel like we should get a Derrick Mason fathead or something.

Joe: Okay, what about…this?

…..

Hef: Why are you smiling?

Spence: Where did the hat come from?

Joe: I don’t know if I can do it, guys.

Hef: You fucking quitter.

Spence: You make me sick to my stomach.

Hef: No wonder Ray Lewis is the face of the franchise.

Spence: I bet your mother drank when she was pregnant with you.

[Joe stares at them, his face shaking with rage, his eyes become red with anger]

Joe: I’m ready.

…..

Hef: I don’t know.  It’s better.

Spence: That’s pretty damn close.  Could we add more to the unibrow?

…..

Hef: Joe?

Spence: Joe, can we color in more unibrow?  On your face?  With a permanent marker?  Joe?

…..

Hef: Fuck, if he’s really in character we could be here all day.

Spence: Should’ve asked for $85.

Hef: We should probably focus on a plot for the post?

Spence: I feel like it shouldn’t be on a football field?

Hef: Too obvious.  Agreed.  Let’s mix it up a little.

Spence: Something topical, man.  Like the Penn St. scandal or St. Barts or something.

Hef: Joe is in the locker room staring as Jerry Sandusky diddles a 10 year old boy in the shower.  He doesn’t try to stop it, he just stares and stares.

…..

Spence: But how do we fit Troy Polamalu in?  Oh shit! At the last minute, Troy swoops in and steals all the evidence proving that Ray Gricar and Sandusky were secret lovers and that’s why Gricar was killed by Sandusky.

Hef: Troy swoops in and steals Joe Paterno’s memory.

Spence: Troy Alzheimers?

Hef:  You really are a dick.

Spence:  Howabout Polamalu swooping in and returning Ray Gricar’s laptop?

Hef: Jesus Christ, this stuff practically writes itself.

Spence: You start writing, I’ll call Rex and tell him we need a gif of Polamalu spiking a hard drive.

Hef: I’ll call our lawyer and let him know we might need him around next week.

Spence: The man has only one look, for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it!

Hef: You’re the only person who found that movie funny.

Spence: Shut up.

Joe: Hey guys…what do you want to, you know, write about?  Maybe put me on a football field with a bunch of shitty QBs and I’m teaching them how to be great?

Hef: Uh, yeah, Joe.  That’s what we’re going to write about.

Spence: That’s actually not a bad idea.  Let’s see if we can get him to pay us for a second post.

fin

Conversely, how much more popular would Mark Sanchez be if he prayed and made a big deal about Jesus?

Thoughts? Oy.

Oh, and if Mark Sanchez were black…

This past week, the sale of the Houston Astros resulted in more than just a change of ownership; it created a change in divisional and league allignment that is cutting traditional baseball fans to the very core! Moving the Astros to the American League will cause unknown rifts in the way the game of baseball is played and the changes will reverberate for decades, if not centuries to come!

One cannot think about the Houston Astros without being constantly reminded of their great affect on the game of Baseball. Let us consider their field of play. The Astrodome was the first domed stadium in the game and revolutionized baseball architecture.  The “8th Wonder of the World” allowed baseball to be played in regions where games were previously considered impossible either due to excessive rain (Seattle) or excessive heat (Arizona).  The Astrodome was a marvel in engineering and should be given its own wing in Cooperstown. If not for the National League Houston Astros, would Major League Baseball have been able to have experienced the 2001 World Series between the Diamondbacks and the Yankees, one of the best played series of the past 20 years? I think not. And you have the Astros to thank for the stellar play of Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling.

And if the stadium itself wasn’t remarkable enough, consider the other great contribution the Houston Astros gave not only to the National League and to Baseball but to all sports: Astroturf.  Without the ingenuity and brilliance of the city of Houston, we would be left playing sports on bare concrete.  Certainly this warrants more respect than the Astros have received in the past few weeks.  Certainly this deserves the consideration and input of their great fans.  Certainly the Houston Astros ought to be respected as one of Major League Baseball’s premier teams for the contributions they have provided to America’s great pastime!

And these accolades do not even begin to account for the great teams and individual talent that have played National League baseball in this great baseball city.  Clearly we can not forget the original Killer B’s: Bagwell, Biggio, Bell and Berry and the later additions of Beltran, Burke and Berkman.  Who can forget the juggernaut of a team in 2005 who, after starting the season off slow, charged through July with a 22-7 record and never took their foot off the throttle the rest of the way.  Who can forget the brilliance of future Hall of Famers Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite and Roy Oswalt?  Who can forget the drama of a team, picking themselves off the floor after Albert Pujols’ home run off of Brad Lidge in Game 6, only to see them regroup and win Game 7 to send them to the World Series?  These are memories etched into the collective mind of baseball fans everywhere!  Shall we sully these memories by tossing this beloved team into the American League without so much of a tip of the cap?

It is only through our diligence and vigilence that we will get this matter overturned.  It is only through our standing together as one and shouting at the powers that be that the most important matter of the Winter will be changed.  Baseball fans of the World, unite!  Join together and scream in unison, “This insult to the name of baseball shall not go unnoticed!  We stand as one!  We are baseball!”

Thank you.

CounterPoint: Are the Red Sox and Yankees the greatest rivals of all time?
by ESPN

We’re only 5 months away from the start of the baseball  season and with absolutely no relevant news or changes to report on, we’re left pondering: Are the Red Sox and Yankees the greatest rivals in the history of sports?

One would be hard pressed to argue to the contrary. For starters, it’s the one rivalry anyone (meaning us) talks about anymore so of course it’s the greatest. Also, if you consider that other great rivalries like the Celtics/Lakers and the ones that include hockey teams all happened 20 years ago, it’s clear that they can’t rival Boston/NY. If it’s not NOW then who cares right?

And this rivalry could be taking another step forward in it’s top notched-ness. Major League Baseball recently announced an addition to the playoffs! One more spot has opened up which means that even if the Red Sox or Yankees don’t make the playoffs, now they do! It’s every mainstream sportscasters dream come true. From now on, we’ll be able to imagine scenarios that have these two teams meeting in October even after one of the teams has clinched the division in August. I can’t tell you how excited we are here in Bristol.

I’m not sure what had to happen in order for this dream to come true but I can tell you that I don’t give a shit. If there’s a better commissioner in sports than Bud Selig then I’m a retarded ratings whore.

Have a pleasant evening and a lovely tomorrow.

That’s right, starting on Monday we will provide one whole week of high brow sports analysis, insightful commentary, jaw dropping interviews with celebrities, and special guest visits from around the blogosphere. Also, you’ll all be required to make a diorama.

Now, we’re not doing this for free.  We figured this would be a good opportunity to raise money for our favorite charities.  So please paypal donations of $10 per pageview to majorleaguejerk@gmail.com.  You can trust us to disperse the money to the following worthy charities:

• Clown’s Poor White Kids
• Penn State’s “Reinstate Paterno” Movement
• The “Put 3 Jewish Kids Through College so Their Father Doesn’t Have to Give Up His Addictive Gambling Habit” Fund
• The “Jerry Sandusky was set up by Ray Gricar” Legal Fund
• The Jimmy Fund (NSFW version)

Some of you might see this as an opportunity to make requests for your favorite posts.  ”We want a Flacco!” you might shout at your computer screen.  ”Make fun of that one guy from that one site who sucks!” someone else might respond.  To those people we say in unison, “No fucking shit, assholes.”  We only have one or two tricks up our sleeves and both of those are ripoffs of other, perhaps better, sites.  What do you think we’re going to do: rack our brains for original content while we’re on vacation?  Have you met us?

In conclusion, have a Happy Thanksgiving and remember the thing about the donations.  Jerry Sandusky isn’t going to clear his name on his own.