NOTE: Today’s rankings are geographical beginning with teams that play their home games the furthest west. Please do not correct me if I’m wrong with any of them. The Braves and Reds were really hard to tell. Same with the Blue Jays and Marlins. Whatever. Leave me alone.

1. Giants (71-57): If the playoffs started today, the Giants would be the NL’s wild card representative. Also, this would be the first time in MLB history that the playoffs started in August.
2. A’s (63-63): I’m pretty sure I’m the first person to throw out this idea, but I think Trevor Cahill is undoubtedly the leading candidate for the Cy Young Award. I mean look at that WHIP. Talk about gutsy.
3. Mariners (50-77): What can I say about the Mariners that hasn’t already been said? Ichiro is pretty good. Has that been said? Side note: between Seattle and Texas, who’s liking that Lee/Smoak trade more right now? Since the trade, Smoak is 10 for 63 with 1 BB and 23 K’s while Lee is 2-5. Lee still has good peripherals, but yikes. Something tells me this isn’t what either team had in mind.
4. Dodgers (66-62): Under-reported trade of the deadline has to be Ted Lilly going to the Dodgers for Blake DeWitt and a box of Big League Chew. All Lilly has done is gone 5-0 through 5 starts, while Big League Chew continues to lose playing time to sunflower seeds. Score one for the Dodgers.
5. Angels (63-65): Nothing about this team is exciting or worth mentioning, so I’ll use this time to discuss something that’s barely socially relevant. Hmm, let’s see, what can I talk about? Oh I know. I think it’s time we as a society retire the phrase “everyone and their mother”. The only time that expression ever really makes sense is in response to the question, “Who’s going to be at the mother-son and mother-daughter picnics?” And honestly, how many simultaneous mother-son and mother-daughter picnics do you think there are? I would bet very few.
6. Padres (76-50): This team’s offense continues to get by using smoke and mirrors. You’d think that would be against the rules; at least an unwritten one like no stealing signs or no sliding into 2nd with your spikes up. But no, there’s nothing. It’s pretty Bush if you ask me.
7. Diamondbacks (50-78): Earlier this morning, I asked Diamondbacks SS Stephen Drew what he thought of his team being 7th in MLJ’s Power Rankings. His response: “What the hell? You ranking them by geography starting with the furthest west or something?” He’s a smart one, that guy. On a positive note, 23 year old Daniel Hudson his given up only 26 hits in 36.2 innings since he was traded from the White Sox at the deadline, including 36 k’s and only 6 BB’s. That’s how you do it. That’s how you debate.
8. Rockies (66-60): Two months ago I asked my favorite team’s GM Kenny Williams to look into the possibility of buying low on Dexter Fowler when he was hitting .204/.320/.299 for the year. I’m sure he took my advice but just couldn’t get anything done. So how has Fowler performed since then? Oh how about .291/.385/.481. Yay for arbitrarily chosen end points!!!
9. Rangers (72-55): Sometimes the stars line up and everything comes together. In this case, the stars are Josh Hamilton and Ron Washington and the line is cocaine. Either way, they’re making it work, and for that they deserve our respect.
10. Astros (58-69): This team sucks again, but the good news if you’re an Astros fan is that they’ve got a lot of good, young talent coming up through the minor leagues. What’s that you say? That’s not correct? I’m thinking of the Royals? Oh, sorry about that.
11. Royals (54-73): This team sucks again, but the good news if you’re a Royals fan is that they’ve got a lot of good, young talent coming up through the minor leagues. Plus there will be even more to come after the Zack Greinke trade.
12. Twins (73-55): Justin Morneau has now missed over 40 games from a concussion. I wonder what Rob Dibble thinks about that. Too bad someone took away his microphone. The Twins will always be my least favorite team in baseball, which kind of sucks for me because I know that every year, regardless of who leaves via F.A., there’ll be guys named Danny Valencia and Jason Repko ready to knock the hell out of the ball. I suggest you remember the name Luke Hughes, if only because he’s going to be an integral part of another division title in 2011 or 2012 even though nobody outside of Minneapolis will know who he is. Kill me.
13. Cardinals (68-57): Did you hear that Tony LaRussa is talking at the Glenn Beck rally? I suppose he was the right Cardinals manager to invite. He’s certainly a better choice than Whitey.
14. Brewers (59-68): Casey McGehee now has over a year’s worth of plate appearances and a career OPS+ of 120. Are we comfortable saying this is who he is yet? In case you forgot, he was taken off waivers from the Cubs following the 2008 season. Don’t you just love Jim Hendry?
15. Cubs (54-74): They’re now 3-0 since Mike Quade took over. That’s pronounced “Kwa-Day”. No wait, I’m sorry, I’m leaving it as “Kwayde”. If this guy’s gonna stick around, I demand that he change the pronunciation of his last name. From now on, he’s Mike Quade. You know what, that last sentence probably doesn’t translate very well over text. Just know that I was pronouncing the name “Quade” the way Randy and Dennis pronounce it.
16. White Sox (69-58): I asked Ozzie Guillen’s fake twitter how he thinks the rest of the season will go. His response? “I like da ballclub and I make the lineup. Nobody tell me I no make the lineup.” You heard it here first. Nobody tells him he no make the lineup. That’s good insight if you ask me.
17. Reds (73-54): Do you ever wonder if deep down, Dusty Baker hates his team? They remain in 1st place in the NL Central, but they’re 2nd in OBP led by Joey Votto’s .423. I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty secretly hates him. “GET OFF MY LAWN BASES!!!”
18. Braves (73-54): Did you know that Billy Wagner is putting up 12.9 SO/9? Seriously, go check out his numbers. He’s been fantastic. If I’m another contender in the NL, I don’t want to face Atlanta in a short series. That bullpen is pretty, pretty, pretty good.
19. Tigers (64-64): I really can’t blame the Tigers for wanting to trade Johnny Damon. The locker room wreaked of Axe and he kept getting glitter all over Miguel Cabrera’s batting gloves and Brandon Inge’s eye black. Then again, I really can’t blame Johnny Damon for not wanting to go to Boston. Have you ever been to Boston? Dan Shaughnessy lives there. Thanks but no thanks.
20. Rays (78-49): We’re now at 11 days and counting that the Yankees and Rays have been within 1 game of each other in the standings. Since they’re tied as I type this, we’re guaranteed at least one more day. That’s kind of cool. What, you were expecting something silly? Get your own blog.
21. Indians (51-76): Silver lining for Indians fans – there’s no pitcher currently on the staff who’s good enough to win over your hearts and take home a Cy Young Award only to be traded a year later. You take the good where you can find it.
22. Pirates (43-84): There are kids going away to college who were not born the last time the Pirates had a plus .500 record. That’s pretty incredible. I remember that series against the Braves in ’92 like it was 18 years ago. Boy those were the days. Cigarettes, booze, women…I miss being 13.
23. Marlins (64-62): For the life of me, I will never understand how this team couldn’t find a trade partner for Dan Uggla. Isn’t Uggla exactly the type of player a team like the Marlins would want to trade? I don’t get it. I’ll never get it. Let’s just move on.
24. Blue Jays (66-61): Jesus Christ, we’re only to 24? Seriously, why do I do this? I hope the next team has something going on that’s topical and relevant.
25. Nationals (54-74): Something something Stephen Strasburg something Tommy John something something. I’ll never forget where I was the first time I saw him pitch. I was at my house. In my living room. Or maybe I was at a bar, who the hell knows? My point is you simply don’t forget something like that. What a treasure this guy was for 1 or 2 games. Totally worth it. Also, I just realized what I wrote about the Nationals in the last Power Rankings. That’s…weird.
26. Orioles (45-83): Their pythagorean record is identical to their actual record. Maybe I’m wrong, but that seems hard to do for a team that sucks so bad. I guess it’s something to keep an eye on as the season winds down. Odd stat that probably deserves some investigating – Nick Markakis only has 8 HR’s and 44 RBI’s this year. If this guy played 3rd base for the Mets, he’d have had an entire Baseball Tonight episode devoted to him by now.
27. Phillies (70-57): Did you know that every starter for the Phillies is at least 30 years old except for Shane Victorino, who’s 29? Raise your hand if you knew that Chase Utley is 31. Put your hand down, you did not. I don’t believe you.
28. Yankees (78-49): Friend of the site Marcus Thames has a 145 OPS+. He should have his own wing in the HOF. Also, [something funny].
29. Mets (63-64): Is Luis Castillo a little kid? How does someone manage only 6 XBH’s in 259 PA’s? I think even Roman could turn on a couple fastballs every now and again and put up similar power numbers. And have you seen Roman throw a football? I have and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. Basically what I’m saying is Hef likes doods. Oh man that brings me back. Don’t you miss us? You should write your congressman. BRING BACK MLJ!!!
30. Red Sox (73-55): Nothing will bring me more pleasure than when the Red Sox miss the playoffs, except for maybe if the Yankees miss the playoffs as well. And the Twins. Son of a bitch.

Anyhoo, I appreciate you taking the time to read all these. Maybe I’ll stop neglecting you and come back more often. I miss you.

/no homo.
//okay homo.

Lot’s of love, My Lovelies

I was listening to Lovie Smith on the radio addressing the media following their first pre-season game last weekend, and I got to thinking, why does Lovie even have press conferences? He never says anything that we don’t already know from simply watching the game. Here’s a typical Lovie Smith press conference:

“We saw some things we liked out there. Other things we can obviously improve on. As for injuries, Major Wright had a finger, Caleb Hanie had a shoulder, and Craig Steltz had an ankle. We don’t know the severities, but they’re all being evaluated and hopefully they’ll be back on the football field soon.”

That’s it. That’s all he’ll say. He won’t discuss strategy and he won’t offer any inside information. Which of course is his right. He doesn’t have to tell me anything if he doesn’t want to. But I ask this in all seriousness and caps: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING A PRESS CONFERENCE THEN?!? Major Wright has a finger? Of course he does. Caleb Hanie hurt his shoulder? Yeah no shit, we were fucking watching. I had the game up on my television device. I saw the play. He was sandwiched between two guys and it looked like it hurt. Then he grabbed his shoulder. I assumed by his actions after the play that he, you know, hurt his fucking shoulder. So seriously, what’s the point of having Lovie Smith stand in front of a podium and tell us that…and nothing else? It’s all so stupid.

Bears fans have been watching this same routine since 2004. At what point does it end? I understand that Lovie doesn’t want to give up too much information and show his hand, but honestly, we’re talking about a football team that wins 7 games every year. We’re not talking about some great secret. So how ’bout we end this stupid routine where Lovie Smith has to talk to the media. It’s silly and pointless for everyone involved.

Okay, my rant is over. Got anything else you wanna talk about?

Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling, and you’ll sing Gallinari.
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay, like a gay Eddy Curry.

When the Knicks make you drool just like pasta fazool, that’s Amar’e
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, Roma’n's in love…..

When you walk in a dream but you know you’re not dreamin’, signore’….
Scuse-a-me, but you see, back in old MSG, that’s Amar’e

* Today may or may not be Thursday.

Please remember that these rankings are the result of an accumulation of data entered into high-priced computing machines. Granted I don’t expect you, the novice reader, to understand all of the figures and mathematical theorems that I used in accumulating the data, but just know that the results are highly scientific*.

* I used W-L records. Ties went to the team I like better.

So without further a deux…ahem, further ado, let’s get right to it. Each team’s record is in parenthesis.

Yankees (45-27): It’s true that Robinson Cano leads the team in each of the Triple Crown stats. But did you know he’s only a 50% successful base stealer? Let’s keep our eye on how this develops.
Rangers (44-28): If you would have told me at the beginning of the year that on June 25th, the Rangers would have the 2nd best record in baseball, I would have asked you how you knew that. Then you would have told me that you have a time machine and you went into the future and checked. Then I would have asked what else you found out. Then you would have said “nothing”. Then I would have told you that you should really make better use of your time machine.
Rays (43-29): This team is 6 games under .500 since their high water mark. Prior to that, they were 20 games over. Also, during a 5 game winning streak that they had in May, they were 5 games over, which proves…something. I’m not sure what. B.J. Upton sucks again.
Red Sox(44-30): Have you ever noticed that Jonathan Papelbon looks like the offspring of Ricky Schroder and a goldfish? No? Well this guy has.
Padres (42-30): If this game was played on paper, there’s no way the Padres would be 42-30 right now. Then again, if this game was played on paper, the player’s spikes would tear it up pretty good. The logistics of the whole thing just don’t seem feasible. Plus it’d be a huge waste of paper.
Braves (42-31): Jason Heyward gets a lot of credit for his bat, and deservedly so. But have you seen him play the outfield? He’s outstanding. I’d make out with him if I liked boys. Do you think he’d make out with me? Probably not. A guy like him would never be interested in a guy like me.
Mets (41-31): If this team could somehow upgrade their backup outfielder situation, I think they may have something. And that’s good news too because let’s face it, the last week of September just isn’t the same if the Mets aren’t involved.
Cardinals (40-32): For this comment, I’ve asked ESPN’s Joe Morgan to fill in for me. Take it away, Joe. Right now the Cardinals just have to be more consistent. There are no perfect teams. They have good starting pitching but they could use another starting pitcher after Wainright and Carpenter and Jaime Garcia. Of course any team that has Pujols is a contender. They just need to play more cosistent. At this point in the season I’d say they’re the favorite in the Central, but it’s just too early to say who’s the favorite. Excellent. Thanks Joe.
Twins (40-32): This team needs a Mike McGrevey or a Jim Bowers or maybe even a big-game pitcher like Wegman. Unfortunately, they have Nick Blackburn and Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey. Will that be enough? Nobody knows. But if they can get Cliff Lee before the deadline, I think the Tigers and White Sox can pretty much pack up their shit.
Tigers (39-32): Fu-Te Ni? No. Fu-Te Nu. /I will never get over that guy’s name.
Giants (39-32): Crazy stat – Giants pitching has given up only 544 hits in 638 IP. That’s unsane. Unfortunately though, their offense looks like a piece of shit on a stick. That’s a metaphor.
Reds (40-33): Arthur Rhodes has given up 1 run in 31 innings. It came on a solo HR. Dude is like Rex’s age. Or at least Roman’s.
Angels (41-34): Jeez, I’m only to the Angels? Why’d I agree to do this again? Fuck me. Let’s try to get a 2nd wind here.
Phillies (38-32): I read somewhere that while on the road, Chase Utley doesn’t carry around condoms. Instead he just brings a box or two of Plan B with him. Now THAT’S balla. You gotta respect a man for showing that kind of care and love towards his road beef.
Dodgers (39-33): I can’t say James Loney’s name without using the crazy junkyard man’s voice from ‘Stand By Me’. All your fathers are gonna get a call from me. Except for James Loney.  Loney Loney Loney.
Blue Jays (39-34): If the proposed trade between the Cubs and Blue Jays that would have sent Soriano to Toronto and Wells to Chicago was real, which team do you think is more likely to have turned it down? I only ask because Vernon Wells is hitting .285/.338/.573 right now.
Rockies (38-34): Anybody need a CF’er? I bet you can get Colorado to sell low on Dexter Fowler. /glares at Juan Pierre
White Sox (37-34): As I type this, my boys have won 9 in a row, despite the fact that only 2 guys on their team can hit the ball. That’s pretty amazing when you think about it. Juan Pierre is as useless as the condoms in Chase Utley’s suitcase.
Marlins (35-37): Chris Coghlan’s Law – anything else is always something better. Hopefully for the Marlins, Bobby Valentine is that anything else. As for the rest of Coghlan’s Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.
A’s (34-40): Their record is 34 and 40 and their pythagorean is 34-40. You expect me to come up with something for this band of jokers? Well that’s just too much to ask. So instead, I’ll leave you with this piece of advice that my uncle Tom gave me: never have sex with your aunt. She’ll just keep coming around. Thanks Uncle Tom.
Nationals (33-40): Something something something Stephen Strasburg something something. In addition, blah blah blah lots of strikeouts. And in conclusion, blip blop flippy floppy he’ll be hurt by August blop blip bloop.
Brewers (32-40): ‘How To Create A 40-Man Roster’, by Doug Melvin – first you get a bunch of hitters who are fucking awesome at baseball. Then you get a bunch of pitchers who straight up suck on the ball sack. Then you put them together. This has been ‘How To Create A 40 Man Roster’, by Doug Melvin.
Cubs (32-40): Whenever I’m feeling down, I go to this website and browse the first 5 or 6 entries. It always cheers me up.
Mariners (30-42): ‘How To Create A 40-Man Roster’, by Jack Zduriencik – do the opposite of Doug Melvin. Then profit. This has been ‘How To Create A 40 Man Roster’, by Jack Zduriencik.
Royals (30-43): Remember when Scott Podsednik was hitting almost .400? Yeah those were the days. Unfortunately for him, the season continued into May. AY-oh!!! Seriously, are you still reading this? Go do something.
Diamondbacks (28-45): Their bullpen ERA is the stuff of comedy legend. Or at the very least, it’s the stuff of half-smiles shared with a couple of your favorite Internet friends. Seriously, check out that bullpen. Holy shit.
Astros (25-45): This thing publishes in 10 minutes and I still have 3 to go. Let’s wrap this up.
Indians (26-45): Luis “Not So” Valbuena is still getting the bulk of playing time at 2nd base. Until that and at least 4 other changes are made, this team might as well not show up. According to B-R, Kerry Wood is still on this team. If he were a boxer, he’d be at the “shakes when he walks” stage.
Pirates (25-47): I got the chance to see this team up close and personal last week. They made 4 errors in one inning and 6 for the game. I was, however, impressed with their ability to not get injured in the process.
Orioles (20-52): Silver lining for Baltimore – their pythagorean record suggests they’re actually 2 wins better than their actual record. That and a hat rack will give you something to hang your hat on.

See you next time.