What’s up, Fags? And by “Fags”, I mean “Cigarettes”. And by “Cigarettes”, I mean ”People Who Like Penis In Their Butt”. I hope you all had a wonderful Friday. Actually I don’t really give a shit. Let’s be honest, I don’t know you and you don’t know me.

I’m sorry I don’t mean that. I’m just really tired. To be quite honest, I’m actually quite fond of you. And by “fond”, I mean “hate”. And by “hate”, I mean “like”. Yep, I’m actually quite like of you. This isn’t really making any sense, is it? That’s okay though; I’m trying to multi-task. That bullshit issue I was working on all day yesterday ended up coming back again today, which proves once and for all that I really suck at my job and should probably be fired. I haven’t eaten a real meal since Wednesday night and I haven’t had any good sleep since Wednesday morning. I’m seriously ready to punch a baby right now. And I don’t mean it like when someone says it as a joke. I mean literally, if a baby were sitting next to me, I would punch it in the throat. I swear to God if this issue continues into tomorrow when I’m scheduled to piss myself at a local watering hole in celebration of my patron Saint, I’m gonna go apeshit. And by “go apeshit”, I mean “suck it up like the wuss that I am and miss out on all the fun”. FML.

Some TV rec’s after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

Good morning, my lovelies. As I type this, I’m sitting on a conference call working on an issue for my other lower-paying gig. It’s currently 11:02pm CT and I’ve been on this call for nearly 24 hours now. I can’t even begin to tell you how much bullshit I’ve sat through, and there’d be absolutely no way for me to convey how tired I am. I haven’t been asleep since Wednesday morning. When the wife got home from work today at around 4, she walked into my office, high-fived me, and then left. I haven’t seen her since. I think she’s in bed right now.

So as you can imagine I don’t really know what happened in the world of sports. I see that the Bulls lost to the Magic by a couple hundred or so and Derrick Rose only played 12 minutes, but I have no idea why. Did he get another cheap shot by Dwight? I’m not sure, but it’s certainly possible.

Anyway, I’m sorry for keeping this short, but as soon as this busted issue is resolved, I’m going to bed for like a day or two, so this is all you get for now. But I’m sure the rest of the guys will have a lot of quality writing for you later on in the day.*

* Probably not. But stick around anyway. kthnxbai.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[deep breath]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh man I apologize, that’s not right. I shouldn’t be laughing at the misfortune of…..

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m sorry, that’s really in poor taste. My mom would be so disappointed. From what I understand, it’s a tear in the ulner collateral ligament in his right elbow. For you laymen, the ulner collateral is the….

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s really not right.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Fuck the Twins.

What a terrific day we had, huh? In fact, it was so great that I’m going to recap it for you right now:

[crickets]

Awesome, right? And if that wasn’t enough, we followed it up with:

[more crickets]

Holy shit balls, we’re good at what we do.

Hey leave us alone, it’s Friday and the weather is finally getting warmer. And by “warmer”, I mean nearly 45 degrees. Isn’t it funny how 45 degrees in March has a completely different feel than 45 degrees in September? If today were September 5th, we’d be busting out our winter gear for the first time. But since it’s March, crazy assholes are driving around with the tops down on their convertibles. Fucking hipsters. But either way it’s a nice sign. I love this time of year. The snow melts, the birds chirp, and the fair-weather rapists lurk behind shadowy alleyways. Ah, spring.

To celebrate this wonderful time, here’s a bunch of stuff you can watch on television tonight: Read the rest of this entry »

I present to you now an unfunny and satirical look at a recent conversation between Chicago Bears’ President Ted Phillips and GM Jerry Angelo.

Ted Phillips: So what’s our offseason plan gonna be?

Jerry Angelo: Well we don’t have a draft pick until the 3rd round, so we’ll have to make our improvements in free agency.

Ted Phillips: That could get expensive.

Jerry Angelo: So?

Ted Phillips: Well I’m just sayin’, that’s not the most cost-effective way to improve. Also, making the biggest splash in free agency doesn’t always bring the best results. Just look at the Redskins.

Jerry Angelo: Fuck the Redskins. The problem with them is that they usually grab the top guy, but then they stop there.

Ted Phillips: So what’s OUR plan?

Jerry Angelo: To get ‘em all.

Ted Phillips: All what?

Jerry Angelo: All the free agents.

Ted Phillips: I’m not following.

Jerry Angelo: We need a pass rusher, so we’ll get Julius Peppers. We need a running back, so we’ll get Chester Taylor. We need a TE, so we’ll get that guy from San Diego whose name I can’t pronounce. Then we’ll make a few trades and bam, we got ourselves a team.

Ted Phillips: That’s going to cost a fortune. If it doesn’t work, we’re all fired.

Jerry Angelo: I think we’re all fired anyway.

Ted Phillips: Touche’

Fin

Good morning, my favorite Internet people. And I mean that sincerely. Good morning. Not great, not sub par, and certainly not bad. Just good. I think we can all live with that. I mean there’s nothing really bad about good, right? So here’s to a good morning.

/raises glass.
/yep, I’m already drinking. The weekend is starting off nicely.

On Thursday night, after watching perhaps the funniest 30 minutes of television ever (would you like a baggle?), I caught the tail end of the Lakers/Heat game. At first glance if you’re checking the box score, you might think to yourself, “wow, that must have been one helluva game. A 3-point victory for the Heat in OT? Sounds exciting.” Well no not quite. I watched the ending, and it wasn’t exciting. Correction, the game itself was exciting…when they were actually playing. The problem was the actual game action took a backseat to a boatload of timeouts and intentional foul shots. Granted this has been a problem for the NBA for some time, at least to me. But I really seemed to notice it last night. Maybe it’s because I watched the USA/Canada gold medal game in hockey last Sunday and the final 2 minutes of that game had me on the edge of my seat the whole time, but there’s just something really annoying about the final 2 minutes of an NBA game. Missed shot, foul, free throws, timeout, missed shot, foul, free throws, timeout, missed shot, foul, ballgame. Two minutes of clock time takes 25 minutes of real time, and nothing’s even happening. What a fucking waste. So if you’ll indulge me for a second, I think I have a few ideas that might help alleviate some of this inaction: Read the rest of this entry »

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to spend a little bit of time right now making fun of some local sports radio guys in Chicago, which I admit is a little bit like making fun of a retard. Or a sports blogger. But ever since Jake Peavy announced to anyone who would listen that he had a discussion with White Sox GM Kenny Williams about the possibility of acquiring Adrian Gonzalez from the Padres, every single sports radio show in Chicago has spent the last few days “analyzing” (and I use that term loosely) what it would take to make a trade like that happen. The common theme amongst the radio masses seems to be the following: you do whatever it takes. Okay let’s start with that.

Doing whatever it takes: I can’t think of any circumstance where it would be a good idea to “do whatever it takes” in order to accomplish something, but in the context of a baseball trade, the notion is fucking moronic. There are too many moveable parts and scenarios to throw out a term that really doesn’t mean anything. Let’s put it this way. Adrian Gonzalez is on a team that finishes last every year. So without discussing which parts get moved, using a term like “doing whatever it takes” is not helpful. Okay then, so what would it take for this deal to happen? Well these same radio people have thrown around a laundry list of names that would probably be required on the White Sox side, but the common name that everyone has mentioned is Gordon Beckham, and that’s at the very least. So would it make sense for the White Sox to include Gordon Beckham in a trade for Adrian Gonzalez? Read the rest of this entry »

Later today, the Arizona Diamondbacks are expected to announce that they signed Justin Upton to a 6 year contract extension worth just more than $50 million. I’m not sure what “just more” means, but let’s assume it means $1 or $2 million. After all, making assumptions is a lot more fun than waiting for the official announcement. So let’s see, that’s nearly $9 million per season for the next 6 years. Since Upton started in 2007, this deal essentially buys out his remaining arbitration seasons as well as his first two free agent seasons.

I have to say, I love this deal for the Diamondbacks. For both sides, really, but let’s set aside for a moment the fact that a 22 year old kid just got a gi-normous pay raise; that was going to happen anyway. So let’s just look at this from the team’s perspective: How much money would Justin Upton make in arbitration? Well that’s hard to say, but basing this on recent comps and assuming that Justin Upton continues to put up numbers similar to 2009 (My guess is we look back on his 2009 season as the shitty one), he’d probably get anywhere from $30 to $35 million even before he hit free agency. And from there, we’re looking at $15 million per season.

So essentially this deal does two things for the Diamondbacks:

1. It [potentially] saves them a boatload of money over the course of 6 years.
2. It allows them to avoid arbitration [which everybody hates] on a player who’s already fucking awesome at baseball and who should continue to improve as he gets older.

This is a solid organizational move. Like the exact opposite of something the Royals would do.

A+

Imagine being a White Sox fan like me. I may be setting myself up for some ridicule with that previous sentence, but hear me out. Your favorite team has a fat piece of shit closer named Bobby Jenks. It’s tough for you to say bad things about Bobby other than being a fat piece of shit since he pretty much dominated the late innings back in September and October of 2005 when the White Sox won the World Series. Overall, you tend to appreciate his career accomplishments like the scoreless innings streak, the 2 All-Star appearances, and that stellar K/BB ratio in 2007. But then every spring, you have to read about how he nearly ate himself to death over the previous winter. In fact, 2010 is now the 5th year in a row where you’ve had to read a variation of that exact same story. On Monday, you read this in the USA Today:

After seeing Bobby Jenks pitch in a batting cage Sunday, Chicago White Sox pitching coach Don Cooper said his closer is trailing the other pitchers in camp. “Bobby’s got a little bit different schedule because he was just a tad behind,” Cooper said. Jenks is behind for several reasons, according to Cooper: his wife had another child, the weather in Chicago was bad and Jenks had difficulty finding a catcher so he was limited to playing catch.

Let’s break this down, shall we? Read the rest of this entry »

First I’m going to show you a quote by Mets SS Jose Reyes that’s being passed around the Internet:

“[The FBI] asked me if [Dr. Anthony Galea] injected me with [some kind of drug that's extracted from calf's blood]. I said no. Basically, he took my blood out, put it in some machines, spun it out and put it back in my leg.”

Next I’m going to give you a bit of follow-up commentary by my own self related to the previous quote:

“What the fuck?”

If after reading the above quote by Jose Reyes and my commentary that followed, your immediate reaction is to conclude that Jose Reyes took banned substances, that would be your right. But that would be irresponsible for me to say for sure until we have more information. So instead, you get my passive-aggressive implication.

In conclusion, Jose Reyes is a cheating cheater who cheats [perhaps].