The Day After

Dr. Stella Handworker:  So Joe…tell me about your relapse.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  I understand it can be difficult, especially so soon afterwards, but Joe…I think it’s important we confront this problem early and make sure it doesn’t take root.  I understand you’ve been having some confidence issues lately…would you like to talk about it?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, you have to understand that there’s nothing you can do about other people’s opinions of you.  You can’t dwell on negative thoughts and let them take over your life otherwise you’ll never be fulfilled, either professionally or spiritually.  All you can do is go out there and accept what’s happened in the past and do your best on every play.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, you can’t just ignore your problems…[phone rings]…one second Joe, I need to take this.  Hello?

John Harbaugh:  Doc, he did it again.  The motherfucker did again.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell he’s even doing at practice…I mean, he’s physically there, but it’s like he’s dead behind the eyes.  Almost like he’s haunted.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Go on…[makes "one second" hand gesture at Joe Flacco]

John Harbaugh:  I just have no idea what it is, but something’s obviously been bothering him.  Every time you try and talk to the guy…you know, try to help him out, he just snaps and accuses you of not giving him enough credit.  His emotional detachment has hurt the team and it’s bringing the whole lockerroom down…HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU SEEN THE ACT OF VALOR COMMERCIAL?!?!

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Of course I have, John…it looks amazing.  And sorry to interrupt, but I’m going to have to call you back, I’m with a patient at the moment.  [hangs up]  Sorry Joe, where were we?

Dr. Stella Handworker:   Right, your relapse.  Joe…[phone rings]…sorry again, my secretary is out for the week.  This will only take a minute…hello?

 Cam Cameron:  Why does everyone hate me?  I’m stuck trying to make chicken salad out of chickenshit [sobs]…and I can’t just give it to Rice every play or we’ll get too predictable [sobs]…and even when I do a good job I still feel like I have to run an offense that’ll hold Flacco’s hand [sobs]…and I’m in a no-win situation [sobs]…and sometimes I just feel like going home and taking a bunch of…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [under her breath] Oh, I do NOT have time for this…Cam?  CAM?!?  YOU MUST BE DRIVING THROUGH A TUNNEL, YOU’RE BREAKING UP.

 Cam Cameron:  But I’m at home…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [hangs up]…right where were we?

 [phone rings]

Dr. Stella Handworker:  My goodness…apologies again.  Hold that thought, Joe…Yes?

Derrick Mason:  BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT MOTHERFUCKER DID IT AGAIN!!!  HE AINT EVER GONNA BE SHIT!!!  I WAS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [hangs up with scared look on face]…Joe, I think we’ve reached a plateau in your therapy.  You keep making the same mistakes over and over again and I think we need to try a new approach.  I’m going to put a series of photos designed to disturb you on the projector and tell me whom you’re going to throw too or if you’re going to hold the ball within a second, ok?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Lets start with an easy one, your old friend Derrick.

Dr. Stella Handworker: Joe?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Dumpoff to Rice!  Good job Joe!  Lets do another one…

Dr. Stella Handworker:  What are you going to do, Joe?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, we talked about this…you can’t just automatically give it to Ray Rice.  Sure, it’s not the worst thing to do in the world, but eventually you’re going to have to take some shots downfield.  I want to get you out of your comfort zone a little bit Joe…what about this one?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe?

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe…don’t be scared.  This exercise is designed to force you to make difficult decisions quickly and rely on the instincts you’ve been questioning recently.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Something’s making you nervous, I can tell.  Joe, this is a safe place…nobody’s going to hurt you in this room.  Open up and tell me what’s the matter.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Joe, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you.  Lets try one more, but before I show you, Joe, understand that we’re about to salve an open wound…I want to see how you react and make sure that you’re not still beating yourself up over this.  We’ve made so much progress with putting the immediate past behind you and moving on, we want to make sure you’re still on the right path.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Oh Joe…[sigh]…I want to help you.  There are people who care about you that are concerned.  We love you, Joe.  You can do it this time!  We believe in you!

Dr. Stella Handworker:  There you go!  Cmon Joe!

John Harbaugh:  Yea buddy!  You can do it!

Anquan Boldin:  Holy shit he’s gonna do it!

Ray’s Minor and Major:  HE’S FINALLY GONNA DO IT!!!

Jim Zorn:  Trust your training Joe.  I’ve left an indelible mark on you during our training, young Jedi…you have truly usurped the master.  Use the force, Joe…and may the force be with you.  Never forget our time together.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  Oh no…

John Harbaugh:  NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Cam Cameron:  YOU PROBABLY COST ME MY JOB, YOU ASSHOLE.

Anquan Boldin:  Wonder what Kurt’s up to…

Derrick Mason:  BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim Harbaugh:  Need a hand, John?

John Harbaugh:  Wha?  How the hell did you get in here?  Not now, Jim…I’m dealing with…

Jim Harbaugh:  jk lol

John Harbaugh:  That guy has to be the world’s biggest asshole.

Terrelle Pryor:  You’ll be throwing to me one day!

Mike Vick:  You wanna know how I still played after getting the shit kicked out of me all year?  Right hyah, lawya.  Hey hey hey, smoke weed every day.

Ray Rice:  [waves while open in the flat]

Watching the entire time, Troy Polamalu flies in at the last minute and intercepts the pass.

Dr. Stella Handworker:  [clears schedule]

fín

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2 Responses to The Day After

  1. The Tuck Pendleton Machine says:

    Made my fucking day.

  2. Or you could just get him a pitching wedge …

    That’s almost as bad as when Mastercard called it a “loft wedge.”

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