Quality Start

Thank you, but shit, I didn’t miss staring out at you fat ugly fucks while I was gone.

It was a hard decision to come back, one I had to make with my family.  Just kidding…you think I give a shit what my wife and idiot daughters think?  ”Oh no, I’m going to turn down one of the highest profile jobs in the country because my wife doesn’t want to hire movers.”

/high fives Gene Smith

So I sat my family down and told it to them straight.  ”We’re a family that goes hard.  Fastest family in the country.  If you have a 4.6 family, you’re going to have the opportunity to win football games.  And I don’t care what you’ve done before, if you’re not the best mother or daughter for the job, you will be replaced.  This family isn’t in the business of giving a shit about feelings.”

There have been a lot of discussions about my health, and I just want to take this opportunity to tell you I’m healthier than I’ve ever been.  Ever.  In life.  In fact, I wasn’t even unhealthy to begin with…I just made that shit up because my recruits didn’t pan out and it was easier to let Addazio fall on the sword.  Truth be told, I thought the Notre Dame job was mine when Brian Kelly killed that kid, but Ohio State’s money is just as green, amirite?

/high fives Gene Smith

I grew up idolizing Woody Hayes, watching Ohio State football, rooting for Ohio State football every day except for those 60 minutes in Glendale where I went all Sandusky on ‘em.  But I’m not here because of football…I’m here to prove a point to my wife.  Didn’t know Dr. Domestic Dishwasher could diagnose my condition from the kitchen…who’s healthy now bitch?

I’d like to thank Luke Fickell for keeping the seat warm and he’ll be on our staff in a senior role.  He’ll play an important part in making sure that none of our kids open their fucking mouths about the envelopes of cash and free cars.

/high fives Gene Smith

Now, make no mistake, me getting hired isn’t about loyalty or state pride or dream jobs or any of that whimsical fairy tale bullshit…it’s about this God-damned arms race with the SEC.  I wasn’t hired because I was born in the state, I was hired because I’m the best available football coach money can buy, who recruits like a fucking madman by one of the few athletic departments that can afford my salary.

I wasn’t enjoying college football when I left Florida 10 months ago.  I didn’t like the environment.  But now, it’s much better.  How?  Well because Miami and Penn State did shit that was so vile that it made Ohio State look like choir boys in comparison.  Life’s all about striking while the iron’s hot.  Go hard.  4.6 second football team.

I’m excited to get started coaching this football team.  This is a perfect marriage and I know all about perfect marraiges, right honey?

/high fives Gene Smith