1. Tom Brady – Since Brady cut his hair, he is back to being the greatest QB ever. The guy does it all, great hair, cool hats, nice wardrobe, Gisele. Plus his tight end dates Porn stars us can find pics of. Total package.
2. Tim Tebow – Us understands there is a lot of controversy surrounding him because he hasn’t had sex with a lady but look what that guy did to Rex Ryan’s vaunted defense. It was unbelievable. There is no way that that guy is not magical like Jesus or Criss Angel. After Sanchez, he is we’s favorite QB. If he started dating some hot chicks though…
3. Ben Roethlisberger – I think he hasn’t been the same since he had that sex scandal. I mean he went to a Super Bowl and all but he lost. This feels very Tiger Woods like to me. I wonder if he has an angry caddie with a funny accent.
4. Aaron Rodgers – He has a few things going for him. 1) The Discount Double Check. Hilarious. 2) He has won a Super Bowl. 3) He got to spend all those years learning from Brett Favre. Imagine if Mark Sanchez had that time? But what he doesn’t have going for him is a WAG that I have a Facebook photo or screen cap of. Until Us sees what type of talent level he is really at, he can’t be Top 3.
5. Drew Brees – Not only did he go to New Orleans when no one else would and lead them to prominence, his grandfather was the only person who fought in World War II. I saw that on ESPN. He is so inspirational. If only he would remove that thing from his face, then I could put him up there with Brady.
6. Peyton Manning – Us thinks he is purposely taking the season off so the Colts will trade him to a team that has a chance to win. Me thinks that makes him a fraud. Unless Eli has a spare bedroom that Peyton can use if he comes to the Jets…
7. Alex Smith – Us just loves winners and let me tell you, the 49ers have a lot of wins.
8. Mark Sanchez – A lot of people say he’s not a Top 8 QB, and us agree with them. But there’s no way we am putting anybody else ahead of him on this list. He may not be a top 8 QB, but he’s definitely at least 8th best in the NFL. Us don’t see how anyone can say differently.
9. Cam Newton – It is just wrong that the Panthers owner doesn’t want Cam to get earrings or tats. Think about how badass he would look with a tattoo of a Panther on his forearm. Not only would he look cool, he would represent. Come on Jerry Richardson!
10. Blaine Gabbert – I don’t know who this is but he was drafted 10th so he must be the 10th best at quarterbacking.
11. Tony Romo: See this post.
12. Eli Manning – Imagine if Eli never changed offensive coordinators? He would be just like Mark Sanchez. But he did, so he isn’t. Just sayin’
12: Matt Stafford: We told you the Lions would be good to start the season. And then we also said they might not live up the hype which means we were right about the 2nd half of the season too. We’re really good at predicting sports we don’t even watch.
14. Matt Ryan – Matty Ice is the coolest nickname. See what I did there? Lulz.
15. Jay Culter – Just how important is a thumb? In last week’s Finger Poll Power Rankings, it was #4. #1 was the ring finger for obvious reasons.
I think the Bears will be just fine.
16. John Skelton: This guy is winning despite the fact that he sucks in every major stat category used to rank QBs. We can’t imagine how anyone would think this guy is any good…unless he played for the Jets or was a crazy-ass Evangelical.
17. Andy Dalton – His red hair makes us kind of uneasy. If he was more of a blonde we would like him a lot better.
18. Vince Young – Shoe.
19. Rex Grossman – Do you think people made fun of him in elementary school? Like look, it’s Rex! Gross man. That would have been killer.
20. Sam Bradford – Us am totally in to gambling now so when I found out Bradford is an Indian, I felt better knowing I could bet on him and it would not be illegal.
21. Colt McCoy – Imagine if he played behind a good offensive line and had a big receiver to throw too? He would be super awesome.
22. Mike Vick – I am so down on Vick this year. He isn’t living up to the expectations of people who put high expectations on him. But me will give him this, if he keeps losing or faking hurt then us could see Marty Morningweg wearing a Jets jumpsuit.
23. Tyler Palko: I really don’t know anything about this guy, so instead I wanted to tell you about this new curl routine I’ve started doing. Grab a 45 pound dumbbell and do as many curls as possible (like 2 for me lol!), then drop down 5 pounds and continue till you’ve done every weight. Guys, this really works. Since I’ve started doing it, the number of people who shoot me dirty looks in the gym has gone way down, like almost 10% fewer!
24. Matt Moore: The Dolphins started the season and 0-7 but then won 3 in a row which means that Matt Moore is just a late bloomer. We can sympathize with that as we’ve been stuck at 5’2″ since we were 13.
25. Ryan Fitzpatrick – I totally LOLed when that Bills gave him that contract. It just doesn’t seem fair. Imagine the money he could make if he was part of a 16 team playoff!
26. Brett Favre – Imagine if he actually had sex with Jenn Sterger. That would have changed his legacy.
27. Matt Leinart – Remember when he used to have sex with a lot of girls and I knew about it. Well, I haven’t heard a lot about that lately. Total fraud.
28. Philip Rivers -Us heard he has like 6 kids. I bet none of his kids are cute enough to be in a cute baby competition. Like some peoples. *puffs chest*
29. Carson Palmer – Remember how funny he was on Hard Knocks? That thing where his hand stunk because his center had swamp butt. Hilarious.
30. Matt Hasslebeck -I would rank him much higher if he was the one married to the girl from the View, not his brother. I find her to be hot and smart. Total package. You think he has ever met her?
32. Eli Manning: Yes, he has a Super Bowl ring. But did you know that his stats for his first three seasons compare very favorably to a QB who’s considered by most knowledgeable people to be very shitty?
Ergo, Eli sucks.