Quality Start

So I was trying to write this yesterday, you know start the week off with a bang and all that?  Well, it failed miserably in part because, at the time, I had the intellectual function of Syd Barrett and in part due to the fact that over the past 18 months each and every one of my sports teams has ripped out my heart leaving golf as the only thing that keeps me from putting a gun into my mouth and beating the traffic to hell.

Anywho, instead of recapping a bunch of games and doing something you can find at, literally, a thousand other sites, I figured what better way to kick off the MLJ reunion by just blatantly guessing at what happened?  It’s brilliant if you think about it, but don’t think too hard because that’s how coups start.

So without further adieu…SPENCER’S SUNDAY SPECULATION SPECTACULARRRR!  Here’s how it’s going to work…I’m going to pick a few games that I didn’t watch and guess what happened.  I may have mentioned that already, but redundancy is one of my favorite pasttimes.

Buffalo 24, NY Jets 28:  I’m guessing that the Jets won this handily with a stout running game while Buffalo had a special teams TD and a TD off a Sanchez interception to keep it interesting.  Sanchez probably went like 20-36 for 210 a TD and two INT’s or something and will be hailed for “making progress” and will be on the cover of the next Vanity Fair with a hotdog hanging out of his trousers saying “EAT THIS.”

Settle down, Hef.

Chicago 20, Oakland 25:  I bet Carson Palmer continued his streak of playing well because he was a perfect fit for that team and that offense, like I predicted.  Did I predict that?  Why, yes I did.  I’d also like to remind a certain Mr. of Ron Mexico that I did indeed predict this and was roundly criticized by his beardness.  Whether or not Carson Palmer actually played well in this game is beside the point, because CRM was wrong and I was right.

Washington 23, Seattle 17:  You know, it was looking up this score that made me realize how out of touch with the NFL I’ve become.  It’s not that I don’t care or that I don’t love the sport…it’s that there are 20-some odd teams that are this putrid and I recently discovered Party Down on Netflix and knew I was in deep shit when I started this section off with a Shaun Alexander reference.

Arizona 23, St. Louis 20:  In this game in my imagination, Beanie Wells ran for 200+ yards and a couple touchdowns and it was awesome.

Pittsburgh 13, KC 9:  The Pirates were bolstered by the hot hitting Jay Bell who’s back in action after Operation Shutdown.  George Brett got drunk and shit himself.

Denver 16, SD 13:  Why isn’t Philip Rivers’ zealous Christianity mentioned in the same light as Tebow’s?  I’m guessing Tebow won the game by handing off four of five times to get into field goal range and did something gritty and will be discussed ad nauseum with too many references to his faith and not enough references to the fact that the Broncos are only barely keeping this rig together with duct tape and optimism.

ESPN.com can suck a dick:  Seriously?  As if it weren’t bad enough with the autoplay shit ON EVERY FUCKING PAGE, now you’re AUTOMATICALLY restarting it after it was paused?  Go fuck yourselves.

Minnesota 14, Atlanta 24:  This had to be one of the ugliest uniform matchups in NFL history.  First we have the Vikings, which make the players look like a bunch of meth-ed out Grimaces wearing high tech clothing while playing their games in a dome that has all the ambiance of a dank sewer.  Seriously…recalling watching Vikings games on TV must be like what Sandusky’s victims’ memories look like when they think back to those sudsy evenings at the Lasch complex.  Same thing with the Falcons but replace “Grimace” with “Tiger Woods” and we’re set.

As for the game?  Fuck…Matt Ryan went 87-94 for 213 yards and no TD’s.  Fits in right around his current yards per attempt, right?  HAHAHAH…he’s afraid to throw downfield.

If I didn’t get to your team, it’s because I hate them and hate you.

But seriously, it’s great to be back.