I Hear You Need Car

New friend, come!  Come!

You are in the luck today, friend, for I have solution to all of your problem.  You need new car, I have new car with all the whistles and the bells.  When you pull up to club, all of the girls will go “this guy, who is he?”  You get in club, they buy you vodka, champagne…you have good time, I promise.  My cousin Sergei is famous DJ at club…he know many ladies and has pill that make you feel like Cosmonaut.

I think you like this.  This car called “The Impression” because it will leave quite the impression on freezing girl standing outside club.  It car built like Stalin build Russia…design and parts stolen from Germany!  That is joke, my friend…relax.

Anyway…you like, da?

What wrong, friend?  You say you like but your face is saying that you do not like…which one is it?

Nyet, nyet…I think I understand.  You are man with refined tastes, like Putin.  This “Impression”…it draw too much attention from the nosy people, da?  Nyet, nyet…say no more, friend.  I am picking up the things you are putting down.  You need car that tell people you are very important person, but car must not crumble like wall in Berlin when RPG hit.

/picks up phone

Sasha! Пойдите в гараж и принесите резервуар!

This windshield?  AK-47 not break through.  It have reinforced chassis with the kevlar and the tires that will not go flat and has the finish where bomb won’t stick to bottom.  But that is not all of it…the champagne bottle holder, it built so it not spill even if car drive over landmine.  The grill is made from depleted unranium and not dent even if your stupid wife drive car, hahaha…oh relax, that is joke again, friend.

This car, you no like, either?

Look, friend…what is problem?  You want car, I show you two good car, no problem but it still not good enough for you.  I show you car, you buy…simple.  I am very important man with things to do.  What things?  Crazy things, my friend…things that you would not believe even if I told you about them.  I show you very good car that impress ladies or car that more like tank and it not good enough.  Now you are making me late for meeting my friend Sergei at club all because you make decision like woman who not know what she want.  It make me think that you are not friend at all.

I’m sorry friend…I made mistake.  Not everyone can buy Zegna suit and Zenith watch like I have…these prices, they are crazy for poor man like you.  But it is ok, you not know what you are missing with the luxury and the opulance.  I have Sasha bring out car that fall in your price range, comrade.

/picks up phone

Sasha! Выведите автомобиль для бедных людей.

Now we are using gas to cook, nyet?  The car found on bank of Volga but donkey come from Caucasus.  Good donkey, no problem.  What, you no like?

Ok, friend, now I am sad.  You no like the nice cars and this car isn’t nice enough for you, it make me think that it is not you who is problem, but is ME who is problem.  I want to make you happy, friend.  Sit!  Sit!  We can solve this problem.  Every great Russian decision was made over vodka, friend, so why is this any different?  Come, drink…we look at one more car and if you no like, you can leave, no problem.

I see that look you give this fine car when you lay your eyes on it for the first time…it like seeing ample Russian woman’s синицы for the first time, I know this look.  This car, you buy it, no problem, da?  Da!  Friend!  You will not be regretting this car, I promise.  It very reliable…have 1,000 kilometer or 90 days powertrain warranty, whichever come first, but lets not worry over detail.  Come, come!  We go to club and celebrate with vodka and pills and dance with beautiful girl…you get good deal, sexy time, no problem.

/car breaks down on the way