Tampa Bay Rays Agree to Terms with Trot Nixon/Gabe Kapler

We're getting the banned back together!After announcing this weekend that they had reached agreements with free agents Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays followed up by announcing that they had completed their offseason goal of signing the entire starting outfield (including platoon!) of the 2003-2005 Boston Red Sox.

Rays GM Andrew Friedman, in the press conference announcing the amazing pickups said, “The only thing that seems to fill the seats at the Trop are Red Sox players.  Hell, we’ve been to the World Series, the ALCS, you name it and we still can’t put asses in those ugly blue chairs.  This way we’ll be able to pretend the Red Sox are in town 81 home games per year.”

Manager Joe Maddon, thrilled by the pickups, added, “These two veterans have the kind of experience we’re looking for in the clubhouse.  They bring the big game confidence that we hope to one day have some day in the future.  I mean, we’ve played some big games but you’d never fucking know it by our attendance figures.  We came in 9th in the AL last year in attendance…out of 14 teams.  And we won 96 goddamn games.  How the fuck are we supposed to get ready for the postseason if the regular season feels like 5 months of Spring Training practice?”

The move is also being praised for the quality the players bring to the batting order but this seemed lost in the excitement over the potential for increased ticket sales and revenue.

“Do you know how many dickbag Massholes we’re gonna get every night?” Friedman asked.  ”We could move to the AL Central and we’d still have a 20% increase in revenue from all those dipshits who want to curse at Johnny [Damon] and Manny [Ramirez].  That is some serious green, ladies and gents.  I’m going to go add a third story to my house.”

Friedman continued, “I can’t wait ’til 2013 when we can add JD Drew and Coco Crisp.”

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17 Responses to Tampa Bay Rays Agree to Terms with Trot Nixon/Gabe Kapler

  1. spencer096 says:

    northeasterners can suck a dick.

  2. Hef says:

    northeasterners can suck a dick.

    It feels like you missed the point of the post.

  3. 1HappySt says:

    I’m not sure Andrew Friedman really said all those words.

  4. Triston27 says:

    Jessi Spano is excited about this recent development.

  5. arkbadger says:

    Dick Vitale pissed himself in excitement.

  6. Needs more Dave Roberts

  7. spencer096 says:

    It feels like you missed the point of the post.

    missed it on porpoise.

  8. Watsonian says:

    Is it okay if I crash this party?

  9. bbryan says:

    Damn fine to have you guys back

  10. Triston27 says:

    Damn fine to have you guys back

    He says while rockin’ out on his Bose headphones.

  11. The Tuck Pendleton Machine says:

    OH HOLY SHIT LET’S GO HIT UP TAMPA AND GET PLASTERED. WE’LL WATCH THE BEST TEAM THE SAWX CONVALESCENT HOME CAN PUT OUT AND WE MAKE FUN OF JOHNNY D’S LIMPWRISTED CAWKSUCKING ATTEMPTS TO HIT THE GODDAMN CUTOFF MAN. FUCKIN TRAITOR.

    AMIRIGHT, HEF? RIGHT? FUCK DAMON. I DUNNO IF HE’S EVEN WHITE, RIGHT?

  12. Hef says:

    I agree with everything Tuck wrote and would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

    /LET’S GO RED SAWX [CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAP CLAP]

  13. TheTicketMaster says:

    Is this thing on?

  14. Gonzo says:

    The site may or may not be down.

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