Weekly Power Rankings That Last Published In June

With only one month of regular season baseball left to go, I figured it was time to bore you all with some updated power rankings. It’s been two months since I last covered this, and in that time, MLB teams have played two months worth of baseball. I know, right? So without further ado, here’s a bunch of stupid comments about each baseball team.

NOTE: Today’s rankings are geographical beginning with teams that play their home games the furthest west. Please do not correct me if I’m wrong with any of them. The Braves and Reds were really hard to tell. Same with the Blue Jays and Marlins. Whatever. Leave me alone.

1. Giants (71-57): If the playoffs started today, the Giants would be the NL’s wild card representative. Also, this would be the first time in MLB history that the playoffs started in August.
2. A’s (63-63): I’m pretty sure I’m the first person to throw out this idea, but I think Trevor Cahill is undoubtedly the leading candidate for the Cy Young Award. I mean look at that WHIP. Talk about gutsy.
3. Mariners (50-77): What can I say about the Mariners that hasn’t already been said? Ichiro is pretty good. Has that been said? Side note: between Seattle and Texas, who’s liking that Lee/Smoak trade more right now? Since the trade, Smoak is 10 for 63 with 1 BB and 23 K’s while Lee is 2-5. Lee still has good peripherals, but yikes. Something tells me this isn’t what either team had in mind.
4. Dodgers (66-62): Under-reported trade of the deadline has to be Ted Lilly going to the Dodgers for Blake DeWitt and a box of Big League Chew. All Lilly has done is gone 5-0 through 5 starts, while Big League Chew continues to lose playing time to sunflower seeds. Score one for the Dodgers.
5. Angels (63-65): Nothing about this team is exciting or worth mentioning, so I’ll use this time to discuss something that’s barely socially relevant. Hmm, let’s see, what can I talk about? Oh I know. I think it’s time we as a society retire the phrase “everyone and their mother”. The only time that expression ever really makes sense is in response to the question, “Who’s going to be at the mother-son and mother-daughter picnics?” And honestly, how many simultaneous mother-son and mother-daughter picnics do you think there are? I would bet very few.
6. Padres (76-50): This team’s offense continues to get by using smoke and mirrors. You’d think that would be against the rules; at least an unwritten one like no stealing signs or no sliding into 2nd with your spikes up. But no, there’s nothing. It’s pretty Bush if you ask me.
7. Diamondbacks (50-78): Earlier this morning, I asked Diamondbacks SS Stephen Drew what he thought of his team being 7th in MLJ’s Power Rankings. His response: “What the hell? You ranking them by geography starting with the furthest west or something?” He’s a smart one, that guy. On a positive note, 23 year old Daniel Hudson his given up only 26 hits in 36.2 innings since he was traded from the White Sox at the deadline, including 36 k’s and only 6 BB’s. That’s how you do it. That’s how you debate.
8. Rockies (66-60): Two months ago I asked my favorite team’s GM Kenny Williams to look into the possibility of buying low on Dexter Fowler when he was hitting .204/.320/.299 for the year. I’m sure he took my advice but just couldn’t get anything done. So how has Fowler performed since then? Oh how about .291/.385/.481. Yay for arbitrarily chosen end points!!!
9. Rangers (72-55): Sometimes the stars line up and everything comes together. In this case, the stars are Josh Hamilton and Ron Washington and the line is cocaine. Either way, they’re making it work, and for that they deserve our respect.
10. Astros (58-69): This team sucks again, but the good news if you’re an Astros fan is that they’ve got a lot of good, young talent coming up through the minor leagues. What’s that you say? That’s not correct? I’m thinking of the Royals? Oh, sorry about that.
11. Royals (54-73): This team sucks again, but the good news if you’re a Royals fan is that they’ve got a lot of good, young talent coming up through the minor leagues. Plus there will be even more to come after the Zack Greinke trade.
12. Twins (73-55): Justin Morneau has now missed over 40 games from a concussion. I wonder what Rob Dibble thinks about that. Too bad someone took away his microphone. The Twins will always be my least favorite team in baseball, which kind of sucks for me because I know that every year, regardless of who leaves via F.A., there’ll be guys named Danny Valencia and Jason Repko ready to knock the hell out of the ball. I suggest you remember the name Luke Hughes, if only because he’s going to be an integral part of another division title in 2011 or 2012 even though nobody outside of Minneapolis will know who he is. Kill me.
13. Cardinals (68-57): Did you hear that Tony LaRussa is talking at the Glenn Beck rally? I suppose he was the right Cardinals manager to invite. He’s certainly a better choice than Whitey.
14. Brewers (59-68): Casey McGehee now has over a year’s worth of plate appearances and a career OPS+ of 120. Are we comfortable saying this is who he is yet? In case you forgot, he was taken off waivers from the Cubs following the 2008 season. Don’t you just love Jim Hendry?
15. Cubs (54-74): They’re now 3-0 since Mike Quade took over. That’s pronounced “Kwa-Day”. No wait, I’m sorry, I’m leaving it as “Kwayde”. If this guy’s gonna stick around, I demand that he change the pronunciation of his last name. From now on, he’s Mike Quade. You know what, that last sentence probably doesn’t translate very well over text. Just know that I was pronouncing the name “Quade” the way Randy and Dennis pronounce it.
16. White Sox (69-58): I asked Ozzie Guillen’s fake twitter how he thinks the rest of the season will go. His response? “I like da ballclub and I make the lineup. Nobody tell me I no make the lineup.” You heard it here first. Nobody tells him he no make the lineup. That’s good insight if you ask me.
17. Reds (73-54): Do you ever wonder if deep down, Dusty Baker hates his team? They remain in 1st place in the NL Central, but they’re 2nd in OBP led by Joey Votto’s .423. I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty secretly hates him. “GET OFF MY LAWN BASES!!!”
18. Braves (73-54): Did you know that Billy Wagner is putting up 12.9 SO/9? Seriously, go check out his numbers. He’s been fantastic. If I’m another contender in the NL, I don’t want to face Atlanta in a short series. That bullpen is pretty, pretty, pretty good.
19. Tigers (64-64): I really can’t blame the Tigers for wanting to trade Johnny Damon. The locker room wreaked of Axe and he kept getting glitter all over Miguel Cabrera’s batting gloves and Brandon Inge’s eye black. Then again, I really can’t blame Johnny Damon for not wanting to go to Boston. Have you ever been to Boston? Dan Shaughnessy lives there. Thanks but no thanks.
20. Rays (78-49): We’re now at 11 days and counting that the Yankees and Rays have been within 1 game of each other in the standings. Since they’re tied as I type this, we’re guaranteed at least one more day. That’s kind of cool. What, you were expecting something silly? Get your own blog.
21. Indians (51-76): Silver lining for Indians fans – there’s no pitcher currently on the staff who’s good enough to win over your hearts and take home a Cy Young Award only to be traded a year later. You take the good where you can find it.
22. Pirates (43-84): There are kids going away to college who were not born the last time the Pirates had a plus .500 record. That’s pretty incredible. I remember that series against the Braves in ’92 like it was 18 years ago. Boy those were the days. Cigarettes, booze, women…I miss being 13.
23. Marlins (64-62): For the life of me, I will never understand how this team couldn’t find a trade partner for Dan Uggla. Isn’t Uggla exactly the type of player a team like the Marlins would want to trade? I don’t get it. I’ll never get it. Let’s just move on.
24. Blue Jays (66-61): Jesus Christ, we’re only to 24? Seriously, why do I do this? I hope the next team has something going on that’s topical and relevant.
25. Nationals (54-74): Something something Stephen Strasburg something Tommy John something something. I’ll never forget where I was the first time I saw him pitch. I was at my house. In my living room. Or maybe I was at a bar, who the hell knows? My point is you simply don’t forget something like that. What a treasure this guy was for 1 or 2 games. Totally worth it. Also, I just realized what I wrote about the Nationals in the last Power Rankings. That’s…weird.
26. Orioles (45-83): Their pythagorean record is identical to their actual record. Maybe I’m wrong, but that seems hard to do for a team that sucks so bad. I guess it’s something to keep an eye on as the season winds down. Odd stat that probably deserves some investigating – Nick Markakis only has 8 HR’s and 44 RBI’s this year. If this guy played 3rd base for the Mets, he’d have had an entire Baseball Tonight episode devoted to him by now.
27. Phillies (70-57): Did you know that every starter for the Phillies is at least 30 years old except for Shane Victorino, who’s 29? Raise your hand if you knew that Chase Utley is 31. Put your hand down, you did not. I don’t believe you.
28. Yankees (78-49): Friend of the site Marcus Thames has a 145 OPS+. He should have his own wing in the HOF. Also, [something funny].
29. Mets (63-64): Is Luis Castillo a little kid? How does someone manage only 6 XBH’s in 259 PA’s? I think even Roman could turn on a couple fastballs every now and again and put up similar power numbers. And have you seen Roman throw a football? I have and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. Basically what I’m saying is Hef likes doods. Oh man that brings me back. Don’t you miss us? You should write your congressman. BRING BACK MLJ!!!
30. Red Sox (73-55): Nothing will bring me more pleasure than when the Red Sox miss the playoffs, except for maybe if the Yankees miss the playoffs as well. And the Twins. Son of a bitch.

Anyhoo, I appreciate you taking the time to read all these. Maybe I’ll stop neglecting you and come back more often. I miss you.

/no homo.
//okay homo.

Lot’s of love, My Lovelies