Weekly [I Have The Power] Rankings

Today is Thursday*, and you know what that means. That’s right, it’s time for Major League Jerk’s Weekly Power Rankings Of Major League Baseball Teams Whose Respective Rankings Are Based Solely On The Opinion Of Happy And Which Run Once A Week Or Whenever He Feels Like It. It’s a working title.

* Today may or may not be Thursday.

Please remember that these rankings are the result of an accumulation of data entered into high-priced computing machines. Granted I don’t expect you, the novice reader, to understand all of the figures and mathematical theorems that I used in accumulating the data, but just know that the results are highly scientific*.

* I used W-L records. Ties went to the team I like better.

So without further a deux…ahem, further ado, let’s get right to it. Each team’s record is in parenthesis.

Yankees (45-27): It’s true that Robinson Cano leads the team in each of the Triple Crown stats. But did you know he’s only a 50% successful base stealer? Let’s keep our eye on how this develops.
Rangers (44-28): If you would have told me at the beginning of the year that on June 25th, the Rangers would have the 2nd best record in baseball, I would have asked you how you knew that. Then you would have told me that you have a time machine and you went into the future and checked. Then I would have asked what else you found out. Then you would have said “nothing”. Then I would have told you that you should really make better use of your time machine.
Rays (43-29): This team is 6 games under .500 since their high water mark. Prior to that, they were 20 games over. Also, during a 5 game winning streak that they had in May, they were 5 games over, which proves…something. I’m not sure what. B.J. Upton sucks again.
Red Sox(44-30): Have you ever noticed that Jonathan Papelbon looks like the offspring of Ricky Schroder and a goldfish? No? Well this guy has.
Padres (42-30): If this game was played on paper, there’s no way the Padres would be 42-30 right now. Then again, if this game was played on paper, the player’s spikes would tear it up pretty good. The logistics of the whole thing just don’t seem feasible. Plus it’d be a huge waste of paper.
Braves (42-31): Jason Heyward gets a lot of credit for his bat, and deservedly so. But have you seen him play the outfield? He’s outstanding. I’d make out with him if I liked boys. Do you think he’d make out with me? Probably not. A guy like him would never be interested in a guy like me.
Mets (41-31): If this team could somehow upgrade their backup outfielder situation, I think they may have something. And that’s good news too because let’s face it, the last week of September just isn’t the same if the Mets aren’t involved.
Cardinals (40-32): For this comment, I’ve asked ESPN’s Joe Morgan to fill in for me. Take it away, Joe. Right now the Cardinals just have to be more consistent. There are no perfect teams. They have good starting pitching but they could use another starting pitcher after Wainright and Carpenter and Jaime Garcia. Of course any team that has Pujols is a contender. They just need to play more cosistent. At this point in the season I’d say they’re the favorite in the Central, but it’s just too early to say who’s the favorite. Excellent. Thanks Joe.
Twins (40-32): This team needs a Mike McGrevey or a Jim Bowers or maybe even a big-game pitcher like Wegman. Unfortunately, they have Nick Blackburn and Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey. Will that be enough? Nobody knows. But if they can get Cliff Lee before the deadline, I think the Tigers and White Sox can pretty much pack up their shit.
Tigers (39-32): Fu-Te Ni? No. Fu-Te Nu. /I will never get over that guy’s name.
Giants (39-32): Crazy stat – Giants pitching has given up only 544 hits in 638 IP. That’s unsane. Unfortunately though, their offense looks like a piece of shit on a stick. That’s a metaphor.
Reds (40-33): Arthur Rhodes has given up 1 run in 31 innings. It came on a solo HR. Dude is like Rex’s age. Or at least Roman’s.
Angels (41-34): Jeez, I’m only to the Angels? Why’d I agree to do this again? Fuck me. Let’s try to get a 2nd wind here.
Phillies (38-32): I read somewhere that while on the road, Chase Utley doesn’t carry around condoms. Instead he just brings a box or two of Plan B with him. Now THAT’S balla. You gotta respect a man for showing that kind of care and love towards his road beef.
Dodgers (39-33): I can’t say James Loney’s name without using the crazy junkyard man’s voice from ‘Stand By Me’. All your fathers are gonna get a call from me. Except for James Loney.  Loney Loney Loney.
Blue Jays (39-34): If the proposed trade between the Cubs and Blue Jays that would have sent Soriano to Toronto and Wells to Chicago was real, which team do you think is more likely to have turned it down? I only ask because Vernon Wells is hitting .285/.338/.573 right now.
Rockies (38-34): Anybody need a CF’er? I bet you can get Colorado to sell low on Dexter Fowler. /glares at Juan Pierre
White Sox (37-34): As I type this, my boys have won 9 in a row, despite the fact that only 2 guys on their team can hit the ball. That’s pretty amazing when you think about it. Juan Pierre is as useless as the condoms in Chase Utley’s suitcase.
Marlins (35-37): Chris Coghlan’s Law – anything else is always something better. Hopefully for the Marlins, Bobby Valentine is that anything else. As for the rest of Coghlan’s Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.
A’s (34-40): Their record is 34 and 40 and their pythagorean is 34-40. You expect me to come up with something for this band of jokers? Well that’s just too much to ask. So instead, I’ll leave you with this piece of advice that my uncle Tom gave me: never have sex with your aunt. She’ll just keep coming around. Thanks Uncle Tom.
Nationals (33-40): Something something something Stephen Strasburg something something. In addition, blah blah blah lots of strikeouts. And in conclusion, blip blop flippy floppy he’ll be hurt by August blop blip bloop.
Brewers (32-40): ‘How To Create A 40-Man Roster’, by Doug Melvin – first you get a bunch of hitters who are fucking awesome at baseball. Then you get a bunch of pitchers who straight up suck on the ball sack. Then you put them together. This has been ‘How To Create A 40 Man Roster’, by Doug Melvin.
Cubs (32-40): Whenever I’m feeling down, I go to this website and browse the first 5 or 6 entries. It always cheers me up.
Mariners (30-42): ‘How To Create A 40-Man Roster’, by Jack Zduriencik – do the opposite of Doug Melvin. Then profit. This has been ‘How To Create A 40 Man Roster’, by Jack Zduriencik.
Royals (30-43): Remember when Scott Podsednik was hitting almost .400? Yeah those were the days. Unfortunately for him, the season continued into May. AY-oh!!! Seriously, are you still reading this? Go do something.
Diamondbacks (28-45): Their bullpen ERA is the stuff of comedy legend. Or at the very least, it’s the stuff of half-smiles shared with a couple of your favorite Internet friends. Seriously, check out that bullpen. Holy shit.
Astros (25-45): This thing publishes in 10 minutes and I still have 3 to go. Let’s wrap this up.
Indians (26-45): Luis “Not So” Valbuena is still getting the bulk of playing time at 2nd base. Until that and at least 4 other changes are made, this team might as well not show up. According to B-R, Kerry Wood is still on this team. If he were a boxer, he’d be at the “shakes when he walks” stage.
Pirates (25-47): I got the chance to see this team up close and personal last week. They made 4 errors in one inning and 6 for the game. I was, however, impressed with their ability to not get injured in the process.
Orioles (20-52): Silver lining for Baltimore – their pythagorean record suggests they’re actually 2 wins better than their actual record. That and a hat rack will give you something to hang your hat on.

See you next time.