Scene: Baltimore Ravens HQ…Steal Team, Maryland.
Jim Zorn: John, man…it was totally awesome the way you gave me this job. I was all like, out of work and stuff and you came in like, you know, with this job and everything, man. That was totally cool.
John Harbaugh: Well, Jim, even though you were a colossal failure as a head coach, you’re still a respected quarterbacking mind, and seeing as we just lost Hue Jackson, we needed a very qualified replacement. You have, well…
Jim Zorn: Well what?
John Harbaugh: I’m not going to lie, Jim…you’re going to have your work cut out for you. Especially having to work with that cock, Cameron.
Cam Cameron: What the fuck, John? Why are you always picking on me?
John Harbaugh: Oh, I’m sorry, pussylips. Did all the big boy talk make you nervous? Scared that Peezy is gonna come back and call you a bad coach?
Cam Cameron: What a dick…fucking special teams coach.
/mutters while walking away
John Harbaugh: HAH! Anyways, Jim, like I was saying, we have a big, tall, strong armed kid here who’s just begging for someone to unlock the mental game of football for him. He could be special…he has an absolute cannon for arm, doesn’t get nervous under pressure, is pretty damn accurate, can scramble…but there’s just one little problem…we think he may be a little…well, retarded.
Scene: Ravens practice field.
Jim Zorn: Hey Joe. Joe! JOE!!! Great to finally meet you. How are you? How you doin’? I’ve heard you’re a good kid, great kid. Ready to get to work? Come on! Get psyched! Lets make this thing happen!
Jim Zorn: Listen, Joe, I’m not going to lie to you. You’re a special kid, you really, really are. I think, down the road, we can BUILD something here. A relationship. A way to make this team, this city, THIS COUNTRY better. We can forge a new trail into frontiers never even thought of. Just think of the possibilities, Joe.
Jim Zorn: Right. I like your attitude. You’re a thinker Joe, a deep, deep thinker. But, in all my years of quarterback coaching, I’ve never seen a case like yours, Joe, never. We need to do something, Joe. We need to build a BRIDGE, Joe. We need to get outside the box, get our hands dirty and get a little creative, here, Joe.
Jim Zorn: See, Joe, I’ve noticed some things about your game, Joe. You’ve got a great arm, Joe, great arm. You can move, Joe, you can really move. Now, since I know a lot about this position, Joe, what we’re going to do is a little off the wall, but you’re going to have to trust me.
Jim Zorn: Ready, Joe? We’re going to FUSE you…
Jim Zorn: …with Mark Sanchez.
Jim Zorn: /dramatic pause
Jim Zorn: And usher in the era of Flanchez.
Jim Zorn: Think of the opportunity, Joe…THINK OF THE FUTURE. Think of all the endorsements.
Jim Zorn: Think of all the women.
Jim Zorn: Think of all the victories and victory related hats.
Jim Zorn: Think of all the…
John Harbaugh: HOLY SHIT!!! JIM, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU DOING?
Jim Zorn: Whoa there, John. Easy. I’m just doing what you hired me for. You hired someone to make Joe Flacco the best quarterback, person, RAVEN on the planet, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I do things that are a little weird, a little wacky. I don’t just work outside the box, I LIVE outside the box. Sure, my methods may seem a little unorthodox at times, and sure my first experiment was a crime against nature…
Terrelle Pryor: Why God?
Jim Zorn: …but I’m sticking to my guns.
This may seem strange, experimental even, but it’s something I believe in, and I’ve never been more committed to a team, to a franchise, TO A PLAYER, er, players as I am right this instant. I believe we’re on the right path, John. I believe we’ve got the wheels in motion. We’re headed for great things here, John.
John Harbaugh: Joe, do me a favor and throw this guy in the Pit of Douche before I make No-Balls Cameron, over there, do it.
/gestures “over there”
Cam Cameron: ALL RIGHT…I have had JUST about enough of this shit, John. YOU WERE A FUCKING SPECIAL TEAMS COACH, FOR CRISSAKES!!!
Joe Flacco goes over and picks up Jim Zorn while Cam Cameron slinks off and files a complaint with Carol in HR.
[Narrating] Flacco drops back to pass.
Jim Zorn: I’m loving the effort, Joe, great effort.
He assesses the defense.
Derrick Mason: If this motherfucker does this shit again, I’m definitely not putting Derrick Mason’s sweet ass in that motherfucker’s huddle for another year.
He considers his options.
Ray Rice: No!!!
Jonathan Ogden: No!!!
Art Modell: /desperately hopes hell was worth it
Ray Lewis: FREEDOM!!!
/gets stabby
Mike Vick: Hey, hey, hey…
Mike Vick: …smoke weed every day.
He throws!
Troy Polamalu, watching the entire time, flies in at the last second and catches Jim Zorn, saving his life, and ultimately, the day.
Heh, heh, Hey Troy.
fín
Lulz
loving The Next Episode reference
Outstanding!
At least Flanchez would know when to throw the ball away. He’s good at managing his offense that way.
/JaMarcus Sanchez eats balls
Is it true Flacco didn’t want to be Flanchez because of all of the creepy letters from Intern Jace?
Brilliant!
/broad smile
//single tear
i like the guest inclusions.
This post, while a pile of awesomesauce on its own, is greatly enhanced by the rack on the chick in the Covers ad on the sidebar.