FOLKS, ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OF ALL TIME IS “ASSHOLE”, BY DENIS LEARY. IN THE SPIRIT AND MELODY OF THAT SONG, I’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU NOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ME TO BE ABLE TO TAKE OVER FOR A GUY LIKE STEVE CZABAN ON THE RADIO. THIS IS A SONG ABOUT THE AMERICAN DREAM. ABOUT MY AMERICAN DREAM. ABOUT THAT SPECIAL FEELING I GET WHEN I’M YELLING AT PEOPLE AND CAUSING THEIR EARS TO BLEED. ABOUT THAT FEELING WE ALL GET WHEN I’M DISCUSSING THE KNICKS BEING ON THE CLOCK LATE IN THE FIRST ROUND AND QUITE FRANKLY, YOU JUST CAN’T STOP ME.
I’m just as good as a pill, when you’re not feeling well.
I compare myself to the great, Howard Cosell.
I like basketball and politics and football and such.
Isiah and Obama and Brady ’cause he’s clutch.
My wife and my job, Rosa Parks and my car.
Hangin’ out with MJ, and a big fat cigar.
But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested.
No way.
No, I’ve gotta go out and have fun at everyone else’s expense.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I’m gonna scream really loud, and yell at my peers,
As people in their cars will bleed from their ears.
I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.
My football advice makes me sound like a clown,
Like kicking a field goal when it’s only third down.
I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.
Sometimes I go off on intelligible rants,
While wiping my cheese doodle fingers on my pants.
I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.
Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song,
Ranting and raving and carrying on.
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong…
NAAAAH!
I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA DO? I’M GONNA SHARE MY THOUGHTS ABOUT SPORTS TALK RADIO. YEAH YOU HEARD ME, I SAID SPORTS TALK RADIO. I’M REPLACING A LEGEND IN STEVE CZABAN, BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE THE BASKETBALL KNOWLEDGE OF A GUY LIKE ME BECAUSE I’M A PROFESSIONAL. AHEM, I MEAN A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL. WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS TALK RADIO BUSINESS, WHAT’S DANGEROUS ABOUT IT IS THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE CLEARLY UNQUALIFIED GET TO DISEMIN….DISSEM…..DISASSEMBLINATE THEIR THOUGHTS TO THE MASSES. THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS PEOPLE WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OF SPORTS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY KIND OF FORMAT TO DISASSEMBLINATE TO THE MASSES TO THE LEVEL WHICH THEY CAN. THEY ARE NOT TRAINED. LIKE I AM. I AM TRAINED. I DESERVE MY VOICE TO BE HEARD ON THE RADIO. AND QUITE FRANKLY, THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GONNA GET. AND I’M GONNA DO IT LOUDLY. AND YOU KNOW WHY?
Cause I’m an asshole.
I’m an asshole.
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S-H-O L-E
SLA, VA MED, VA DANK, OH OH
Thoomph A-thoom-thoom, A-thoom-thoom, A-thoom-thoom.
Oooooooo
I’M AN ASSHOLE AND I’M PROUD OF IT.
fuck this asshole.
While wiping my cheese doodle fingers on my pants
that might be the best line i’ve read in a long ass time. i can’t stop laughing. i mean when was the last time anyone used the words “cheese doodle”. good stuff.
IT’S ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS TOO, HAPPY.
/good job.
Triston, you are an asshole. What you meant too say was goof jorb slappy.
we need a black guy to get in the studio to record this, pronto. do we know any black people?
imagine if this was recorded and put on auto-play? we would have to shut the internet down.
I think someone is going to get assigned a project. Hopefully that person is already suicidal, as listening to dozens of Smith interviews would drive someone sane over the edge.
Seriously, this hyperbolic self-righteous asswipe is the sports equivalent of Steve Dobbs.
Very well done