Merry Christmas, fucktards. I only have two more of these left and I thank the new born baby LeBron that this is so. I have never embarrassed myself this badly in public. That statement includes me silencing an entire bar during the 2000 NLDS when I screamed at the TV, “If you squeezed my dick the way would are squeezing the strike zone, I would cum all over your face!” Needless to say, this season is truly embarrassing. Since I heard that Triston is working today, I figured I would give a half-assed effort and let him chuckle over my future misfortune. Then I saw Spencer gave us a class A effort on Christmas Eve and I thought, maybe I should as well. Then I realized the I don’t like Triston that much so half-assed it is. With that clarified, here are the picks to fingerbang your sister to.
San Diego (+3) over TENNESSEE: I don’t see how the Chargers are underdogs in this game and frankly I don’t care. They have a prime opportunity at clinching a 1st round bye and while I like the Titans I don’t like them that much,
Chargers 28 Titans 21
Seattle (+14) over GREEN BAY:
Dear Karma Gods,
This pick is in no way an endorsement of the Packers losing this game. I know the Giants are greatly helped out by a Packer loss but truthfully I am only picking the Seahawks because I have been burned on double digit spreads all year and I think it could be a tight game in a cold Lambeau Field. Once again, not tempting fate just making a pick based on weather.
Yours truly,
Roman
Packers 17 Seahawks 10
CLEVELAND (-3.5) over Oakland: I can foresee Eric Mangini coaching like shit, Jerome Harrison tearing both ACL’s, and Josh Cribbs running back a touchdown and going through the tunnel and out of the stadium never to return and with all of that I can not on my life trust the Charlie Frye/JaSuckus Combo to pull off two in a row.
Browns 19 Raiders 7
Kansas City (+14) over CINCINNATI: I am once again picking the underdog here based on point spread. I have picked the favorite on all of these big point spreads and have gotten slaughtered. It will be cold and the game will be within reason.
Bengals 21 Chiefs 13
ATLANTA (-9) over Buffalo: Brian Brohm makes his NFL Debut!
Falcons 31 Bills 3
MIAMI (-3) over Houston: A battle of 7-7 teams. The winner moves on to the final round. The loser can make golf plans. I just like Miami better here. They are home and more complete and the Texans are the biggest group of chokers this side of Dallas (Arlington) Texas.
Dolphins 27 Texans 20
GIANTS (-5.5) over Carolina: LT is going to be in the house. This is the last ever game at Giants Stadium. The emotions are high. This game means something. Every Giants legend except Strahan and Simms (both working) will be there. The Panthers beat the Vikings last week. They are dangerous but it was a fluke. Win the game. Win the FUCKING GAME.
Giants 780 Panthers 1
Tampa Bay (+14.5) over NEW ORLEANS: Double digit point spread + a Saints team that has nothing to play for = Bucs with the backdoor cover.
Saints 25 Buccaneers 17
NEW ENGLAND (-7.5) over Jacksonville: I know the Jaguars desperately need this game at 7-7. They hold all the tie breakers if the Broncos and the Ravens fall to 9-7. But the Panthers went and pissed off Randy Moss. Sorry Jaguars, blame a backup DB for your ticket home.
Patriots 28 Jaguars 17
Baltimore (+2.5) over PITTSBURGH:
Ravens 21 Steelers 19
Denver (+7) over PHILADELPHIA: I want the world to understand something, things are going the Eagles way right now. The offense is clicking. They have rolled off huge victories and put themselves in position to win the NFC East AND get a first round bye. Having watched the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb Eagles I am telling you right now, this team is ripe for a stink bomb. They love doing things like losing to Oakland or tying a shitty Bengal team or whatever. Nothing is ever allowed to go to smoothly. So here it is. A reeling Broncos team is going into the Stink in what should be a slam dunk. They will blow this thing. Just watch.
Broncos 24 Eagles 20
ARIZONA (-14) over St. Louis: Wait a second Roman! What? I mean you said? Come on!!?? NO PICKING THE FAVORITES OF A DOUBLE DIGIT SPREAD!!??!!??! I know but St. Louis is a special type of hideous and thier pass defense is horrendous.
Cardinals 31 Rams 7
SAN FRANCISCO (-11.5) over Detroit: I know, I did it again. But Drew Stanton is starting! Come On!
Niners 26 Lions 10
Jets (+5.5) over INDIANAPOLIS: This pick is for total and absolute jinx purposes. Well, not really. If the Colts decide not to give a shit, the Jet defense can make this a close game and possibly win. Then Rex Ryan can amble his fat gut up to the podium and gloat about it.
Jets 14 Colts 13
WASHINGTON (+4) over Dallas: The Racists were embarrassed last week by an overbearing superpower that has had their number for years. I am sure they are embarrassed. I feel that may make them play harder. The other factor is that they ALWAYS play Dallas tough. ALWAYS. These two teams fucking hate each other. Anything can happen. I feel the same way when I see the Jaguars matched up with the Colts. No matter what the record, the game will be tougher than expected. That and Dallas is a bunch of choking chokers who will need their pussy quarterback to show up in a cold weather game.
Racists 14 Cowfags 10
Minnesota (-7) over CHICAGO: This game will prove if Brett Favre and Brad Childress actually made up. I bet if they didn’t Brett will throw a bunch of interceptions and sabotage the game. I love the fact that they will show more of Favre and Chilly’s interactions. I got my popcorn ready.
/Intern Jace
Vikings 31 Bears 6
Part of your problem is that you were picking heavily favored road teams. More often than not, a double-digit home dog will cover the spread.
This week, all the double-digit favorites are at home so you wouldn’t have had to worry. Instead, you’re picking the heavily dogged road teams.
Are you seeing the pattern?
So your saying there’s a chance?
Having watched the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb Eagles I am telling you right now, this team is ripe for a stink bomb. They love doing things like losing to Oakland or tying a shitty Bengal team or whatever. Nothing is ever allowed to go to smoothly.
You’re pretty smart for a Giants fan.