What another exciting and wonderful year at the fifth greatest internet website ever invented.  Can any other website in the world claim to have delivered as many lukewarm chuckles as we have this year?  I mean, there are sites out there that made you laugh, some made you cry, and some made you turn away in disgust but how many can claim that they made you shrug your shoulders and think, “I guess that’s kind of funny without necessarily making me actually laugh out loud” as often as Major League Jerk?  And let me also ask you this: if a site is so mediocre that is mediocre every day for nearly two years doesn’t that take it to a whole other level?  Perhaps you could even say that we’re the best mediocre site of all time?  Perhaps?

I know a lot of other places are trying to tease you into thinking that next year is going to be even better and more exciting.  I’m pretty sure I already promised you more of the same but in fact we’re only going to get worse.  Let’s be realistic, we’re really not all that funny.  And another thing, our in-jokes are only going to drive off new readers so it’s just going to continue to be the 10 writers, 8 regular commenters, occasional troll who doesn’t realize we’re joking, and Intern Jace.  And god forbid one of us die, we’d be even more shorthanded than we normally are.  It’s hard enough pushing forward with the knowledge that we’ll never get to see how 50 States in 50 days ended.  Our masterpiece was shot down before it even really got rolling.  Isn’t fate a bitch that way?

What I’m saying is this:  one of you is going to die tonight.  And not because of drinking, but because you forgot to lock your back door and in the middle of the night an illegal immigrant with AIDS is going to sneak into your house and slit your throat before sodomizing all of your loved ones.  Thanks, Obama!

So don’t worry about being safe out there tonight because it could be you who dies.  You might as well get into a fight with a bouncer at a strip club for grabbing some naked woman’s ass because there might not be a tomorrow for you [points menacingly].

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM MLJ!

Finally, this shit show is coming to an end. Last week, I won 10 games but some asshole won the week with 11. I would have won but I, along with everyone else, picked Brett Fucking Favre in the cold. Fuck that old attention whore. Anywho, this week the guy who makes the sheets came into my office and had this conversation.

Guy who Makes the Sheets: Hey Roman!

RomanWarHelmet: Hey.

GWMTS: Ummm. Most of the games this week don’t have a line from Vegas and since we are off Thursday and Friday I am just going to make up the spreads.

RWH: OK. [glares]

GWMTS: Please don’t fire me.

RWH: I make no promises.

So as you can see, all the spreads I have this week are shit. They are made up of fake spreads. So I know the questions will all be where I got them. I got them from a Jet fan who works in my warehouse. As we all know, Jet fans suck. Enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »

33-0 = Lollerskates

This is in response to bbryan’s well thought out post.  However, this time, it’ll be written by someone who knows what the fuck is going on and not some mouth breathing, limp wristed Oregon ass spelunker.  Onward.

1. The Running Game: Oh, you mean I’m starting with the exact same point that bbryan did?  HOW FUN!

See, here’s the biggest difference between the two running games.  Oregon’s is all about speed and flash, but unfortunately they’re facing a defense that has more than enough speed, a great scheme and depth at every position, but more on that later.  It’s an important point though, even when looking at Ohio State’s running game and here’s why…while OSU has a fantastic defense that won’t be pushed around, Oregon’s front seven is at a MASSIVE size disadvantage. Oregon’s DT’s have some decent size, but where Ohio State makes it’s hay is running off tackle, conveniently matching up three 300+ lb. behemoths against ends that max out at 250 lbs. and linebackers that are even smaller.

May I remind you that Ohio State, against fantastic run defenses in Penn State and Iowa, closed out the year with four straight games of 200 yards rushing.  Hate to break it to Oregon, but while their defense was OK against the run, they still managed to give up 223 yards to Toby Gerhart’s Stanford rushing attack that’s quite similar to Ohio State’s.  Terrelle Pryor has had some shortcomings this year, well documented ones in fact, but the one thing that was never in question was his ability to run the football, and when the attack gelled, the rushing attack was very similar to Oregon’s, only with an element of power involved.  This is the first movement in a classic Tresselballian opera. Read the rest of this entry »

LeBron won? On his birthday and due to some shady offcianeering? Miracles really do happen, I guess.

I’m guessing that there won’t be many of you people at work today because I think it’s a holiday.  I know tomorrow is but I’m pretty sure today is too.  Right?  I mean I’m on vacation and have been on vacation since the 18th and will continue to be on vacation till Monday.  Then again, I’m pretty great.  Pretty fucking great.

Let me level with you: I’m not making any New Years Resolutions; I have no grand plans involving self improvement; and I have no intentions of making any changes to the site next year.  If you’re simply hanging around MLJ thinking it might someday get better you might as well leave now and save yourself further frustration.

If anything we’re going to do everything in our power to stay exactly the same as this year.  We’re going to reuse the same jokes over and over and over and over again.  This way you won’t have to think about too much anymore and we’ll seem even more hilarious.  You lucky sumbitch.

There were many games played last night but you know what, only one of them mattered to me. Read the rest of this entry »

Good evening, ladies and germs (HA! I kill me). Today was a good day on the internets, especially here at MLJ. I mean, aside from the vicious malware destroying every computer in sight. Hopefully Rex has time to sort it out by tomorrow, or else he’ll be taking it in the stern twice later on. Did you read Hef’s recap of his entertainment life in 2009? GO READ IT NOW. Well, I hope you were able to catch Clown’s super awesome gift he sent me for Christmas. Did you happen to see bbryan’s debut in the form of a guest post? You did? Well, READ IT AGAIN. Too bad Spencer shafted him with a title that suggests his favorite college football team, the Oregon Ducks, likes to touch pee pees. Shame on you, Spencer. I hope you swallow a seed and a tree grows in your lung. Read the rest of this entry »

Remember our first encounter with MLJ nemesis Jim Trotter in which he made a bunch of silly predictions using ambiguous language?  Well I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna let those predictions slide, especially since every single one of his “real” predictions is dead wrong.

1. The Broncos are not going to crash land.

Since starting the season 6-0, the Broncos have gone 2-7.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the very definition of crash landing.

4. New Orleans won’t go undefeated.

Hey, he got one right!  Too bad he changed his mind two weeks later and decided that the Saints would go undefeated.  Is that worth half credit?

6. The Steelers will not lose another regular-season game.

Lollerskates.  After he wrote this, the Steelers went on to lose their next 5 games in a row.  Against weak opponents.

9. Brett Favre will make a run at the MVP award.

Ha.  Since this was written, Favre has become his good old fashioned December self and has lost 3 out of 4 games in December.  If he finishes in the top 5 in MVP voting I will be stunned.

10. Pittsburgh will win the Super Bowl.

Well, they gotta make the playoffs first and right now they need some help.  They need to win Sunday and pray for the Jets to lose against a Cincy team that already has a playoff spot locked up.

Just insert nuts in his mouth.

Sheesh, it’s still early in the day and I’ve already run out of material. I created that pic a few weeks ago and just totally, yanno, forgot aboot it. It woulda been totally funny if it was posted on Christmas day. Too bad I have terrible timing. (In case you’re wondering, that’s our fearlesss leader, Andy. Everyone say hai to Andy. HAI ANDY!).

Now for the money shot. I got a package 2 days before Christmas from Clowndrigo Gutierrez in Texas. The box was addressed to Gonzo Bruzzese. Luckily, my terrible mailman didn’t return it, because he can be a dick sometimes. Onto the gifts!!! (I just wish Kevin Duckworth was around to see this)

WOOOO!!!!!!

Double WOOO!!! Thanks Clownie.

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

This guy just got done banging a chick from Craig’s list. (Barstool Sports)

Further proof that Ice-T is black. He married a white chick (Bikini pics WWTDD)

I hope CRM didn’t quit his day job. (Comment of the day, The Big Lead)

Snooki Punch: The Dog Version. (Warming Glow)

An oldie, but goodie: Powerthirst. (Picnicface)

Waiting for Godunk: ‘Tis the Season. (HHR)

Tyrus Thomas Filthy Putback Dunk. (NQTC)

The MLJ video of the Day brought to you by LittleBuddha is of a Subway that is 100 stories above the ground for people working at a construction site. /makes wanking motion

After the jump, Japan perfects the Snuggie!
Read the rest of this entry »