mayonnaise

In honor of me being sick, today’s list is the top 5 things that make me sick.  Well, besides germs and hookers, of course.

5. The term “West Coast Offense”: Why does this make me sick?  Because it’s so incredibly stupid and shortsighted.  There’s no such thing as the “West Coast Offense.”  It doesn’t exist.  And yet, if you surf around the blogosphere or read anything Scouts Inc. does at espn.com, you’ll see this being referred to as an offensive scheme like the Wildcat or along the lines of something like a zone blocking scheme.

It’s a philosophy, not a scheme.  There are no purely West Coast plays, just a set of plays that every team runs that are designed to exploit inefficiencies in a defense and get players in space.  Just because a team runs a lot of slants and screens doesn’t mean they’re running a “West Coast Offense,” and I wish I didn’t have to hear this kind of crap so often because it makes me want to vomit.

4. McDonalds fries: Don’t get me wrong, McDonalds fries are the absolute tits.  They’re golden and delicious, and if you get a good batch, the minute it touches your tongue, the experience is something special.  The problem is, 20 minutes after eating a handful of them, your insides feel like they’re rotting and you’d rather poop the rest of the afternoon than sit around feeling like your guts are trying to repel an advanced strain of cancer that set in immediately. 

3. Kobe Bryant: Much like McDonalds fries, Kobe Bryant is awesome.  The problem is, he’s probably the world’s biggest asshole and, something that seems to be forgotten, HE RAPED A CHICK AND PAID HER TO GO AWAY.  I don’t understand how people could voluntarily root for someone like this, and it’d be one thing if he were doing his thing in relative douche anonymity, much like Paul Pierce, but instead, he’s hailed as some sort of God, even though he’s merely extremely good.

LeBron > Kobe.

/truth

2. Jim Tressel’s patented offensive asshole pucker ups: These make me sick to my stomach and you can see ‘em coming from a mile away.  This year’s most notable example?  Ohio State’s loss to Purdue.  It was textbook Tressel, calling plays to get his team in a hole and then desperately wishing that Craig Krenzel was still QB so he could pull the team’s collective ass out of the fire, which, unfortunately enough, isn’t happening any time soon.

Every time you see the telltale signs, I know it’s going to be a rough afternoon, but it’s like quicksand.  You just can’t escape once you get in, and the more you fight, the more painful it gets.  It’d be nice if Tressel acknowledged 20th century football schematic trends, but we both know that kind of progress doesn’t happen overnight.  The good news is, once next decade’s offensive scheme du jour emerges, Tressel will have the zone-read down pat.

1. Mayo and Peaches/Mangos/Raw Tomatoes: Obviously not together as that’d make anyone puke.

Mayo is disgusting and should be banned.  The mere sight of the nastiness makes me want to vomit into the nearest recepticle, but when do you just get a little bit of mayo?  It’s always slathered on in copious amounts, just a dripping malfeasence of concentrated evil.  And as bad as it is on a sandwich, there are some people who take it to another level entirely and dip their fries or chicken tenders in it.  I’m sorry, this isn’t Europe…we use ketchup here.

As for peaches/mangos/raw tomatoes?  I just don’t dig the texture.  The minute I ingest one of the above, I want to puke.  Both of these are more literal than the others as I truly feel physically ill when coming in contact with any of the substances listed above.

Have a nice night everyone.

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