I give up. Really, if there was anyone more medicore and inept at picking the winners of professional football contests with a point spread I would love to know who it is. Considering I am now fully committed to filling this space every Friday I have decided to go the route of other great bloggers and have others pick my games for me. No, I am not in with Margaret Cho or Dave Coulier or Happy’s friend Brian so I had to go in house for my new prognosticator. This person is so pure that prejudice and bias have not played a part in these picks. This person is my 22 month old daughter, RamonaWarHelmet.
Little RWH is no supergenius. She can’t read, or write or really say much but she watches football and I think she understands we like the Giants. I certainly do dress her in enough Giant gear so she better like them. Anywho, I put the paper in front of my sweet princess fairytale and told her to pick Daddy a winner. She then stared at me Flacco style. The I talked like Elmo and she laughed. Now that we had that settle I decided to take an Elmo doll and have it dance with the pick sheet. This livened things up, yet she didn’t pick any games. Now I was getting pissed off. I was 5 beers deep and had no patience. I yelled at her. She cried. My wife threw stuff at me. Really, just another day at the WarHelmet house.
So after all the loudness went away, I had to change her diaper. Normally I would pawn this off on my wife but she was disgusted with me. I also remembered from one of the other two times I had changed her diaper that she pays attention when she is getting a changing so I took the sheet over to the changing table with me. So, during a diaper change I bring you Little RamonaWarHelmet’s NFL Picks to wipe your ass too.
CAROLINA (-3) over Miami: We can see the kid is off to a blazing start. Stupid baby.
Miami won last night 24-17
DETROIT (-2.5) over Cleveland: Da Da Da Da Da DA da da DA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Lions 17 Browns 10
JACKSONVILLE (-8) over Buffalo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Hahahahahah [spits]
Jaguars 21 Bills 10
Pittsburgh (-10) over KANSAS CITY: GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Dada
Steelers 25 Chiefs 12
Indianapolis (+1) over BALTIMORE: Ga Gagagaga gooo How the fuck is Indy a dog? DADAADADADADA
GIANTS (-6) over Atlanta: DADADADADADADDADADADADAADAA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DADADADADADADADADADADAADADADADADADADADADADADADADA HA
Giants 96 Falcons 9
San Francisco (+6.5) over GREEN BAY: LALALALALALALALLALAALAAAAAAA [SLAPS PAPER]
Niners 19 Packers 17
MINNESOTA (-11) over Seattle: [points at MINNESOTA] [pees on me]
Vikings 35 Seahawks 10
DALLAS (-11) over Washington: [vomits]
Cowfags 21 Racists 3
New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY: lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
Saints 48 Bucs 7
Arizona (-9) over ST. LOUIS: [scratches at paper]
Cardinals 27 Rams 7
NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Jets: [starts crying]
Patriots 30 Jets 17
Cincinnati (-9.5) over OAKLAND: Da da. No No. Hahaha
Bengals 24 Raiders 10
DENVER (+3) over San Diego: lalalalalal I’m a baby this pick is terrible.
Broncos 17 Chargers 16
Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO: [sticks middle finger at paper]
Iggles 21 Bears 13
Tennessee (+5) over HOUSTON: Shoe?
Titans 22 Texans 20
It was unwise of you to involve your daughter in this because if that little [redacted] feeds me bad information I’m gonna send my goons to teach her a lesson.
my dog is named Indy.
/true story
Calls Roman’s dumb bookie, puts mortgage payment on Shitsburgh
Now our kids are making picks for us? I guess it’s only a matter of time before we scrap this whole writing thing for good and resort to 2 or 3 podcasts a week.
God Damnit..it’s -10 on the Pittsburgh game..will fix
So you’re both ruh-tards?
/laughs with everyone as roman misses the joke.