Let’s just break the ice by saying up front that I’m happy to see you too. I know all of you look forward to Thursday mornings because you get an early dose of Hef and I’m happy because I get to see how happy you are at being around my greatness. You’re welcome.
It hasn’t been the greatest couple of weeks for your old buddy Hef. I quit smoking for good on my birthday 3 weeks ago (I’ll go ahead and assume your gift has been delayed by the post office) and I’ve been going through withdrawal like a sumbitch. The first week was a mental head fuck as many of you may know what with the cravings and adjusting to a new routine. But since then I’ve been feeling like shit physically. Apparently when your lungs heal it doesn’t feel good. It feels like you have the flu or something because you’re always coughing and you have a sore throat from the post nasal drip. Also, you have a headache, you wake up in the middle of the night, your metabolism slows down and you want to eat more. Basically I’ve felt like shit for the whole of November so far. But supposedly I should be in the clear in a week or so. At this point I don’t really want a cigarette but I don’t want to feel like shit either. Maybe I should just end my life. Thoughts?
You know what though, since I typed that comment, I suddenly want a cigarette. Someone talk me down.
There was sports on last night. And I will tell you about them. Because of that lawsuit.
Wizards 109, Cavs 91: At one point the Cavs were up by 15 and ended up losing by 18. If I go much further without using the word “flukefraud” I would be performing a disservice to our loyal readership. LeFraud didn’t even rack up a double double as he played selfishly in the loss. There are few players in the league as focused on stats as he is. I also heard a rumor that in addition to giving up MJ’s number (to honor him, of course), he thinks that everyone should stop wearing shoes because no one wore shoes like MJ. What a student of the game.
Bucks 99, Nets 85: Jesus the Nets are an abortion. They only made 30 shots in 48 minutes of basketball. That’s like one every 1.5 minutes. How awful must it be to live in New York/New Jersey if you’re a basketball fan? No wonder they keep pushing the Lebron to NY rumors. It’s the only thing that keeps them from driving their cars off of bridges or flying planes into commercial buildings.
Celtics 109, Warriors 85: Unlike the Cavs, the Celtics know how to dominate a weaker team without playing down to their opponents level of competition. Rajon Rondo once again proved that despite the fact that he’s a miserable asshole, he’s a damn good PG. Last night he produced a line of 18 points, 12 assists, and 7 rebounds while producing the highest +/- on the court.
Knicks 110, Pacers 103: How embarrassing is it to lose to the Knicks for one, but at home? That’s a kick in the gonads. Quick aside: besides David Lee, is there a guy on the Knicks who wasn’t considered a malcontent/pain in the ass on the team he played on before joining NY? The entire roster seems like a list of guys who fans of basketball are grateful aren’t on their team. Oh yeah, the worst part of the loss was that the Pacers held a 10 point lead heading into the final quarter.
Mavericks XX, Spurs XX-1: When I turned off the game it was a back and forth nail biter between two teams with a history of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Suns 140, Day off 0: The Suns owned their day off yesterday. I’m told there was a lot of sleeping, exercising and hanging with the brosephs. Oh, and at least six of them played air guitar while listening to Journey.
i’ll ignore your lebron bullshit because you have an agenda, AN AGENDA but have you considered working out to replace the smoking shit?
you haven’t?
god you’re dumb.
I have not only considered it, I’m actually doing it.
Wii Fit doesnt count
you’re the fuckin’ american dream, you sandbaggin’ son of a bitch.
but the power pad from track and field does
Knick fans are grateful to have each and everyone of their expiring contracts. Once the Eddy Curry makeover is complete, and they can fool some stupid ass that he will be useful for them, the Knicks will have room for two max contracts.
/looking forward to the Chris Bosh/Joe Johnson era
Wait! Your birthday was 3 weeks ago? MY birthday was 3 weeks ago.
Triston’s just saying that to get out of buying me anything.
/cheapass
He’s still upset that he got left out of the gift exchange.
There should be a gift exchange for the commenters.
Bingo. Rex built up the gift exchange, just to tear me down.
So how much does Curves charge per month?
Triston, stop trying to jew Hef and get him a birthday present.
Who do you think paid his initial Curves fee?
Keep up the good work Hef, quitting tobacco is a tough task.
oh come on quitting tobbacco isn’t that hard. i quit dipping all the time for like 6 months at a time, but then i randomly start back up because i think i was good for not doing it that long. its all mental tho. just gotta get past the first 3 days.
i can’t tell if this is sarcastic or just plain stupid
i can’t tell if this is sarcastic or just plain stupid
i was just trying to be a dick. if it was that easy, i wouldn’t start back up every time i “quit”.
/quitting is for losers
Did you just compare quitting dip to quitting cigarettes?
dip is stronger than cigs
/
science
Oh, Clarence, since you’re here. Here ya go.
just had to make sure. stupid internet.
Did you just compare quitting dip to quitting cigarettes?
indeed. i was just tryin to bust chops.
/puts in a dipper
It’s Hef’s oral fixation that makes his quitting so difficult.
First, Hef is a smoker? Hef is weak!
/Ukraine’d
the Ukraine is weak!
/senifeld’d